Mea Culpa
Written by Darkneko06
AN: I do not own Harry Potter or the characters. The book and its ideas and characters are property of JK Rowling and the movie s are property of Warner Brothers. No profit is made from this fan fiction and no infringement intended.
Also the rating has now gone up! Not advised for children. New warnings and please do not flame me for I have warned you – will contain heterosexual sex, gay sex, mentions of rape, implied rape scenes among the usual mentions and scenes of abuse, depression, thoughts of suicide and self-harm.
If this makes you uneasy and sick or triggers you then do not proceed. By proceeding you are now accepting I have warned you.
Please note: I do not support abuse, rape, self-harm or suicide. I write on the subject and that is all. Now that the kids are off to bed, please read on. I do not believe I have to even state this to be honest.
Pairings: I have decided Harry will be courted by Ginny, Blaise and Gorge/Fred. I think Harry sees Snape as too much of mentor and parent and Draco as a big brother so I am keeping the relationships non romantic. It would uncomfortable to write as it seems wrong given they are his family now. Also side plot pairings are Lupin/Black and Narcissa/Minerva and Narcissa/Lucius but are not central to plot.
Thanks to the reviewers of my last chapter – mandancie, Silvermane1, Kitty202 and anyone who I may have missed or left guest reviews.
Start
The school year came too soon. Harry was unsure how to deal with his newly awakened emotions. He did not know whether he was ready to face other people. If he was worthy or if he was even stable enough. He felt like every emotion was amplified – his anger at the adults tasked to protect him, his joy at having Snape as his ally and friend when he would need it, his surprise at Lupin and Blacks instinctive protection of his 'pup' or his burning shame at being gay. How could he begin to process such things? How could he understand? Did you not have to understand to process these things?
Could he be strong when facing a crowded hallway? Surely bursting into tears was a weakness and would not help. Could he face the natural violence – hallway fights and anti gay retaliation?
Why me? Well that was something that had been on his mind so long. Was he a victim? No he would not be seen as one. He was not dead. He had survived and the evil uncle had failed. Harry would always be Harry. It did not matter what others did – he would love guys and be a fighter. That fighting spirit had kept him alive from the Dark Lord. He was a fighter. He had to fight to survive. Did this make him a survivor? He could not say with any certainty, but could not disagree either. Maybe he agreed with both.
So what was the path now? Was he still Harry Potter, boy who lived and parents of two great fighters for the light side? Was he just Harry, the kid without a childhood in a world that did not want him? Or was he who he was, what ever that was? He laughed at how little sense that last question made.
Who was he? Well he was the boy who lived according to Dumbledore. He was the last of the Potter family who had died to protect him and served the light side with as much loyalty as ever. To his 'family' he was an unwanted burden and a punching bag.
The real question was who did he think he was? Among the annual battles with The Dark Lord and the pressures of his seeker abilities, he had not thought about it much. I guess it hardly mattered then.
Well he supposed he was brave and he did like helping others even at his own cost. He knew how to survive and what to do when in trouble. The darker part also learned how to manipulate when it was needed. He wanted to be good but knew his darkness was real and true. Could it be beaten or moulded to his use? Too deep, Harry felt a headache come on.
What did he want? Was saving the wizarding world his goal? Would he care if that meant his own demise? Maybe he just wanted a quiet year. Maybe he wanted something to happen. To prove if he was really a saviour and they had not messed up. Maybe he did not need to prove anything. His natural stubbornness flared up and insisted he had nothing to prove. Maybe this was right.
He nearly jumped when he heard Draco enter. Draco smiled at him and took a seat. "How is everything Harry? You looked like you were thinking. You know what Uncle Sev says about holding you feeling in.
"I know. I will write tonight in my journal okay? I was just nervous about returning."
"I know. Don't worry, Sev and I have you r back, the slytherins too"
Harry smiled back warming and Draco knew it was not fake. "I know, I will talk if I need to. You don't need to worry so much"
Draco felt a warm feeling and watched Harry's green eyes sparkles with his laughter. Harry was his little brother, no one would mess with him.
"Good, well better get ready for the feast"
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The feast was another challenge for Harry but with all his support, he felt stronger. He smiled and laughed with his friends and did his best to get over his fear.
Maybe he could face this? Alone, this had seemed an impossible task yet as a group he had more power. With all his help, could this nightmare be over? Maybe Harry could do this?
Harry was burst from his thoughts by an owl. The own dropped a letter and left in a hurry. Harry took notethat the owl seemed wild and was very exotic and rare. Who had an owl like that?
He opened the letter and was surprised.
Dear Mr Potter
I hope I reach you well. I have seen from afar how beautiful you are and I wish to state my intentions. I wish to court you. Should you accept just reply and send your own. Hedwig will know the way.
Forge
Harry quickly stowed away the letter but could stop thinking about it. He would consider in private what his next action might be.
His thoughts were broken again by an owl. This one was a common brown owl that seemed scruffy. This one also left.
Dear Harry
Remember me? You saved me 2nd year! My hero! I would love to honour you and show you all I can be. Would you consider a marriage to me? Please say yes! I would love to be your wife!
GW
Harry pulled a face like he had smelt vomit. From the curvy writing and initials he knew this was Ginny. Yuck! He quickly stowed this one too and decided to reply later on tonight. Even if he was into girls, Ginny was NOT his type.
He noticed a 3rd letter sitting on the table. When did he get so popular? This one was elegant and carried by a hawk. The impressive bird seemed well trained and did not stray or react to the sounds of the hall or the stares of the students. With a cry he too left and as elegant as ever.
To Mr Potter
I, Blaise Zambini wish to inform you of my intention to court you. Please reply with haste.
Till later Emerald Angel
BZ
Harry was quite taken by this one. "What's wrong?" Hermione asked noticing his blush and lack of attention. "Nothing" Harry easily smiled back at her.
She thankfully dropped the topic. He knew it was not the last he had heard of her.
Meanwhile 2 plans were in action concerning Harry, unknown to him of course.
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Harry had waited till night to reply. He was so unsure about this. Who would want him? He was the weak worthless runt. He was no better than the dirt. Even if the liked him now what would they say when they found out his issues? They would laugh at him. He would be disgraced. Oh what would he do? Did he want to be courted?
Focusing his thoughts, he started writing.
Dear Draco,
Did you notice all my morning owls? They were suitors! I got an owl from Ginny (YUCK!) as well as from your friend Blaise and Fred and Gorge( they call them selves Forge).
Who would want me and all my baggage? Maybe this is a bad joke?
Harry
Dear Ginny
I must decline. I will never see you as anything but a sister. I am sure you can understand.
Harry
Dear Forge
Thanks. If this is not a joke, I will allow you to court me. I don't understand why.
Harry
Dear Blaise
If this is not a slytherin joke, I will accept your intentions to court me. I don't understand why.
Harry
With a yawn Harry left the parchment for Hedwig to deliver in the morning.
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That morning at breakfast the owls were delivered. Harry was too tired to notice the suitors reactions though.
Draco happily opened Harry's letter. What? Harry has suitors? Well I suppose he is old enough but is that really safe?
Draco felt a surge of over protectiveness to his adoptive brother. If anyone harms him, they will answer to me. Maybe he deserves happiness after what has happened to him. Love will hurt him though...but maybe thats what he needs. Maybe I should discuss this with him and uncle Sev...I doubt Harry even knows about courting rituals.
Once Draco had processed the shock of anyone being in a relationship with his brother in all but blood, he focussed on who was after Harry. Ginny? Yuck! Forge? Wait Fred and Gorge...how could that work? Aren't they older? Well could be worse Grifindorrs.
Isn't Harry straight? Well maybe not if he is trying this out?
Blaise? That player! He better not hurt Harry by cheating or breaking Harry's heart...Harry is not a conquest! Maybe I should let Blaise know that...
Draco must have looked quite murderous. He heard a laugh and distractedly looked around.
"Who is getting killed Draci?" Pansy asked laughing still.
Draco glared back "You know I hate that name! Its Draco NOT Draci in that silly girlly voice!"
His glare softened "besides I will tell you later on"
Pansy grinned back and let Draco reply in peace.
Dear Harry
I am very surprised! I hope they treat you well or they will answer to me and all the influence of the Malfoy name. You should be more confident. There is much to be loved no matter what the dumb muggles said about you. That is history now!
You are certainly a catch even to the pure blooded of this world. I advise we meet with Sev and he can teach you about proper courting etiquette. I doubt that old fool taught you anything!
I have to agree with you about Ginny. I only hope she will accept your rejection.
I am not sure how Fred and Gorge will work out but I hold no grudges against them. I hope they are serious about this.
Blaise surprises me. He had not told me of his intentions. He does have a bit of a reputation as a player but of he is willing to settle with you, he should make a good partner. His family is neutral so he doesn't seem to have an agenda.
PS. I support you just as much as when I though you were straight. Write back fast.
Draco
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Fred and Gorge were working on a way of making an alliance with Harry. They did not want to see him harmed and manipulated by the old headmaster. I f they could get enough people then maybe it could work.
Maybe they could use the Room of Requirement again...and those coins Harry had given them when they had formed Dumbledores Army? They could write of this to Harry and start a list of potential members.
They knew a few who could help but going against the most powerful wizard of this age was going to be tough.
AN: Been out doing myself to get this story out. Hopefully an improvement on my usual . Some of my plans came to be, some have evolved.
Read and review as usual and next chapter soon. More content soon, this chapter is more of a set up for the rest of his Hogwarts adventures.