Author's Note - I know I said before Christmas, I'm really sorry; everything has been a little bit crazy. I hope you all had a lovely holiday season and that you are all well. I finished writing this in the early hours of the morning yesterday, so sorry for any typos I've made. The ending to the chapter took me so freaking long though, I kept putting it off which is one of the many reasons that it took me a while to post this up. I hope you enjoy it though.

A Better Woman

Lunchtime was always one of the busiest and most manic times of the day in the hospital. It was a battleground, a daily fight against the other doctors and the nurses and hospital visitors who were all struggling for a place in the canteen queue. It always seemed like a miracle whenever I managed to grab some food during the lunch rush hour.

It felt so strange to walk straight past the bustling cafeteria with absolutely no intention of fighting for my lunch – figuratively that is. Instead, I made a sharp left turn at the end of the hallway and hurried down the stairs, skipping a few steps as I quickened my pace. Being late was one of my own personal pet peeves and I was in danger of falling foul of it.
The further I descended into the hospital, the more alien and foreign it became – first the patients disappeared and then the hospital staff, until it felt like there was nobody on the entire floor. I let out a big breath and carried on walking down the corridor, striding past a dozen windows. I glanced into each one as I marched along, relieved at the sight of empty rooms. That's what I loved so much about the teaching labs. As soon as it hit noon, they were deserted – eerily so. It was as if there was not a single soul on the planet other than myself but I was thankful for the quiet sanctuary and privacy it offered.

The door at the end of the hallway was propped open with a box and I edged inside. I looked at the whiteboards on the walls as I wondered towards one of the tables – seemed like there had been an orthopaedic teach or something in here earlier – and took a seat.

"Hang on. Just… One… Second…"
I folded my arms almost instantaneously when I realised exactly what was going on.
"There we go – look at that! Perfect."

Mark pushed the skin model to my face, expecting me to join him in marvelling his handiwork. I let out a disapproving huff.
"Yes Mark, we get it. Everybody knows that you're a renowned plastic surgeon and yes, your stitches are perfect."
With one swift swipe of my hand I shoved the model away, keen to get down to business.

"Well, all the work I've been doing for the burns squad hasn't been the same. It's nowhere near as delicate as plastics. I just like to know that I've still got it. It seems like nobody in England cares about their looks like we do – plastics is dead here."

I frowned.
"Careful Mark, don't offend the country," I looked over my shoulders to see if anyone else was around to hear the insults, "we are guests."

"But guests have the intention of going back home though, don't they?" Mark muttered.
He was right and I certainly had no desire in returning back to the States any time soon, not when I had so much here. We sat for a moment, both contemplating our own separate thoughts.

"So where were we? I think you last talked about the…" Mark raised his fingers to air-quote, "awkwardness?"

"What was all that for – the air quotes?"

"Well… to be honest with you, it didn't sound all that awkward to me."

"You weren't there though. It was definitely, definitely awkward."

"How so? What do you even mean by that?"

"I don't know." I shrugged, "I just go some… vibes from the way they were acting."
Mark narrowed his eyes.
"It was like they knew." I said, lowering my voice into a soft but hesitant whisper.

He took a second to ponder over his thoughts.
"Knew what?"

I tilted my head to the side and raised an eyebrow as if to say really?, but Mark continued to stare blankly at me. I sighed at his blatant ignorance – had he been listening to me at all?
"Knew that me and Arizona are… dating – that we are together."

"Oh shit, yeah." He laughed off his mistake casually, "You guys are always so open about it here that I forgot that she was in the closet."

"I know." I sighed, "But there's so much going around in my head now – so many questions. Like, since they know, then surely they're ok with it? They wouldn't have visited otherwise… Shouldn't I tell Arizona that it's al –"

"If."

"If what?"

"If they know, not since they know. Besides, what makes you think that they're ok with it? Maybe they're in denial or something, or… what if they came to confront her about it but you were there so they couldn't?"

"But I'm just so sure Mark, I have a feeling."

"Callie," Mark placed his hand affectionately on mine, "you're always so sure of everything. Like how you were so sure that George was the one, or that your parents would eventually come around to everything – look how well that all that went."

"What is this? Point-out-all-of-Callie's-mistakes-day? You know – you're not perfect either."

"No, I know, but I am damn close," he said with a playful smile and a wink, trying to lighten the mood, "and besides, I never said I was. I'm just trying to stop you from screwing up what you have."

"Well it doesn't seem like it." I murmured under my breath, loud enough for him to just about hear. I had expected him to respond with a bitter comment but he didn't which made me wonder whether I had said it a little too quietly.

"Listen." Mark breathed a heavy sigh through his nostrils and sharply inhaled a deep breath. "You would be the first to admit how lost you were when it came to being with Arizona – it was like you didn't have a clue about how to function around her. Boy – you were such a doofus."

"Where is this going exactly, Mark?" I hissed through my teeth as I tried to think of some comebacks.

"She must really make you happy, because I've never seen you quite like the way you are with her, Callie. So happy. So hopeful. So in love. You know, I forget about the fact that you…" he cleared his voice abruptly, "kicked me out of my own house when I see you guys together. You two make me optimistic about love."
I nodded hesitantly, still unsure of what to make of his somewhat sudden and impromptu speech. It felt like he was giving me his blessing on my relationship with Arizona – which to me made him seem like the biggest jerk. Why would I even need his blessing? I didn't care what anyone thought of us.
"And I get that you're frustrated, but now you know exactly how Hahn felt. Don't get me wrong, I did not like that bitch one bit, but now you understand how difficult it is to be with someone who isn't quite ready to face the world yet. Coming out is a big deal – don't you remember the hundreds of conversations we had about it when you were in the closet? The number of sleepless nights you had just thinking about it?"
I lowered my head and fiddled around with the hem of my scrub top.
"Don't make the same mistake Hahn made, ok? Don't fuck this up."

I held back a grin that I could feel aching to form on my face. I had to hand it to him – he always knew how to pull things out of the bag, but at that moment, there was no way I was going to show him how grateful I was for his little pep talk. His ego did not need any more boosting.

"This is why you're a surgeon and not a motivational speaker, Mark." I said, pushing myself off the stool.

"You know I'm goddamn right Torres! Don't fuck it up!" He called, as I turned my back to him and walked out the door, liberating the smile that I had been suppressing.
Who knew Mark Sloan could be my voice of reason?

Home

I found it so hard to concentrate for the rest of the day after having that talk with Mark. I kept replaying the conversation over and over in my head, trying to find new perspectives and new ways to handle the situation, but the same things kept coming back to me – was I really at risk of becoming Erica? Of making the same mistakes she did? Was I in danger of losing Arizona?
I shook my head and shuddered. No – I was not like Erica at all. I had left her and all her crap back in Seattle; it was all behind me. What I should have been focusing on was what was in front of me, which at that very moment, was Arizona.

She was bare faced and dressed in her sloppy tracksuit bottoms with her tresses tied up a wild untamed mess. I sat absolutely still as I watched her take another bite of dinner, utterly mesmerised by the sight. The perfection of her flawless skin; the big cerulean blue eyes that I got completely lost in each time I looked into them; the sunshine coloured curls that I just loved to run my fingers through. How could someone be so beautiful?

"Why are you looking at me like that?"
Arizona didn't even need to look up from her plate at me to notice that I had been staring, captivated, at her – it was if she could just feel me looking at her.

"Like what?" I said, my eyes still gazing at her.

"Like that."
She waved her fork at me from across the dining table.
"What are you thinking about? Is there something you want to say to me?"

Don't fuck this up. Don't. Fuck. This. Up. Mark's words rang in my ears as my brain scrambled for a response. Arizona's piercing eyes looked into mine and suddenly there was no hope of getting a single word out. We just continued looking at each other – no words were needed.
But she finally broke eye contact, forcing me to reply.

"Well?"

"I can't – I can't stop looking at you - I can't stop. My body aches, but I just can't stop."
Arizona crinkled her nose at my response.

"Your body aches? Callie that's not normal."

"For you – it aches for you. I don't even know what's normal anymore when I'm with you. You make me feel things that I've never felt before."
The faint appearance of her heart-melting dimples ghosting on her cheeks made my heart skip a beat or two.

"I love you Calliope."
She reached out for my hand, giving it a small squeeze. I loved the way her alabaster skin looked against my tanned, olive complexion as she began to entwine her fingers around mine. She lowered her voice into a soft purr.
"I feel like I've known you for a thousand years but at the same time, I feel like I hardly know you."

"What? What do you mean?"
I tried to retract my hand away but she held on tight.

"No. No." She rubbed her thumb along my knuckles, "Don't be alarmed. I just want to know you. Tell me everything."

I raised my eyebrows, a little uncertain of how to respond.
"I-I- What do you want to know?"

"Anything."

"Oh God."
I could feel my palms becoming clammier and clammier and the temptation to pull away from Arizona's hands to wipe them on my shirt was strong, but there was no way I could let go under her firm grip.
"Pressure – I feel like I'm on a first date."
Arizona flashed a smile.
"I… I was born and raised in and around Florida. I have an older sister."

"I already know all that, Calliope."

"Ah but did you know that I once a pet tortoise when I was a kid."

"No." She laughed, letting go of my hand so that she could clear away the empty plates, "What about your parents?"

"As narrow minded and homophobic as you can get. That's all you really need to know about them." I muttered.

"So are mine." She murmured.

"No they're not, don't be stupid. They're some of the nicest people I've ever met."

"That's because they think we're straight." She whispered, running the hot water into the sink.
I got up off my chair and walked over to her, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind and resting my head on the shoulder.

"Do they?" I felt her muscles move underneath her skin as she slowly nodded, "What makes you think they're like my parents?"

It took a few seconds for her to respond.
"Because… I don't know. It's the way they acted when I tried before."

"Tried to do what?"

"When I tried to tell them that I'm a lesbian."

"Are you sure? It seems ridiculous."

"Well, why don't you try coming out to them then?" she snapped, but she quickly apologised.

"It's ok," I soothed, rubbing her arm reassuringly as she rested her head on mine.

"After that… I felt no desire to ever tell them again. I felt like I didn't need to and that they didn't want to hear it. But that's changed. I've changed."

"What do you mean?"
Arizona lifted her head and stopped leaning against me. She shrugged my head off her shoulders and turned around, back resting against the sink as she faced me. Arizona took my hands in hers and met my eyes with a look of adoration and of vulnerability.

"I've changed because I've met you. You've changed me. And it's so obvious that they love you Calliope – I sometimes wonder whether they would approve of us being together."

"But we don't need their approval."

"I know. Is it bad that I want it though?"

I hesitated. Yes, it was bad. No, it wasn't bad – I didn't know. I enveloped Arizona into my arms, buying myself a little time.

"No." I finally whispered, "It's not bad at all."