I fucked up. I know this is my fault that Ichigo's mad and doesn't want to see me.
The questions that Ichigo asked me at his beach house comes back to me and I realise that Ichigo and I have a lot of talking to do. The reason why I deleted the other two explicit photos of him is because I want him to be able to trust me.
Keeping the last original photo means he doesn't pull away from the deal. I think about this almost the whole day. I realise that I don't want to keep blackmailing him. Fuck the deal. This isn't a deal for me anymore. I actually really like him and he needs to know the truth. I don't want to rely on a picture to know if he really wants to be with me or not. I don't want to lose him, but I don't know what else to do.
As I expected from Ichigo, the calls I make go unanswered. I know he's busy with his celebrity life, but not having spoken to him for a while now is really bothering me. I miss him too fucking much.
Seeing him from afar doesn't help much either. I feel like I'm becoming like everyone else that idolises him, except I had a chance with him and went ahead and blew it. Even though he's avoiding me, ignoring me, and acting like everything's okay for the media makes me wonder if he's ever felt anything for me. A strong part of me feels like he does, but I want to hear it from him.
I step into a club with word that celebrities are going to be present. Starrk gave me the heads up and as usual, it's not even a surprise that I'm inside, close to these stars with my camera. I go mostly because I want to see Ichigo, and I still got to do my job after all.
Work is not as fun as it was anymore and it feels kind of bland. I don't know if I'm brooding, but I make it my focus to find Ichigo. Amongst the crowds and blaring music, it's a lot tougher than I thought to spot him. It seems like I've walked all over the club, but I know he's here somewhere.
I see Ichigo and he sees me at the same time. He stares at me before averting his gaze and turning his face away from me with a frown. Shit. I stand there wondering if I should go up to him but at the same time I'm stuck. For sure he's going to give me attitude. He's going to give me a hard time and probably piss me off too. I want him to approach me instead, but I know that's not really going to happen, since he is stubborn. Fuck it. I'm going to see him. Talk to him even if he doesn't want to right now. I take a step forward than freeze. What the fuck is going on. It's like he's got something over me, and I'm not complaining. I got to get more alcohol into me.
Ichigo looks back at me again. I give him a small smile and head to the bar, deciding that I'll approach him after another drink. We keep watching each other, even from a distance. I briefly wonder if he'll actually approach me first, but he's with people. That means I need to pull him aside.
After finishing off my drink I get up and start heading his way. Ichigo says something to one of the people he's with and moves to the side. Alright. So he's going to talk with me, but I can literally sense his attitude from here.
"Hey, I wanna talk." I cut straight to the chase.
Ichigo arches his brow.
"Here?" He asks with a snide scowl. "So you don't care if people see us together huh?"
"No I don't."
Ichigo is silent, watching me. I can tell he's still upset.
"I don't care what anyone thinks, because I only care about you." I admit.
Ichigo looks away. He starts to ignore me, even when I attempt to make him look at me. I know he doesn't want to believe anything I say and I find myself at a loss for what to say or do next.
"Look, I don't want to threaten you." I say after his lack of response makes me irritated. I don't mean it, but if that's the only way I can get him to just talk with me then I'll use it.
"That even sounds like one," Ichigo crosses his arms. "You're just saying that to fuck with my head, right?"
I place both hands on either side of him and lean in, face to face. He stares back at me defiantly.
"No," I say simply.
"You smell like you're drunk." Ichigo states bluntly. "Do you even mean what you're saying, Grimmjow?"
"Yeah I've been drinking," I sigh. "I don't want to threaten you. Just talk with me."
He wants to. I can see it all over his face. Ichigo doesn't speak, like he's just going to push me away.
I let out a breath, the bass thumping loudly around me. I want to tell him to just stop being so fucking stubborn but I keep my mouth shut. I know this isn't exactly going to fix shit between us. Not like this. Not when I'm mildly tipsy and he's been drinking too but I can't fucking stand it when he's like this with me. I grab Ichigo's arm and lead him out the back door into the brick alley even though he resists.
"Grimmjow…" Ichigo starts, his eyes darting from left to right.
I know no one is out here. Even if someone is, I wouldn't mind telling them to fuck off anyway. I push him to walk until his back is against the wall. I stand in front of him to block his way and stop him from walking away from me.
"No one's gonna see us here," I grumble.
"No that's not…" He pauses. Looks at me. "Grimmjow. We…we can't be together. It's never going to work." He swallows and shifts his eyes away from me and frowns at the ground, voice quiet.
"You said you wanted to be with me," I remind him.
Ichigo still isn't looking at me. He crosses his arms over his chest.
"I know." His voice is soft but I'm relentless.
"Then why do you keep pushing me away? Do you actually want to be with me?"
"You already know that I want to be with you, Grimmjow," he says. "But you tricked me. I thought… I don't even know if you like me back. And now you're just going to fuck me over."
"What the fuck has gotten into you?" I growl. "If I wanted to I would have ended you by now. But clearly I don't want to do that, Ichi. I meant it when I deleted those pictures and I sure as fucking hell mean it when I say I want to be with you."
Ichigo raises his voice too.
"How can I believe you? You blackmailed me into this. You're still blackmailing me."
"So is that what this is about, that picture?" I ask.
"Yeah. But I know you're not going to tell me why." Ichigo pulls away from me. "Go ahead and sell me out Grimmjow. You already hurt me enough."
Ichigo starts to walk away but I'm not going to let him get away from me. Not this time. I go after him and pull his arm back towards me.
"Ichigo."
He glares at me, trying to pull his arm away but I'm not letting him go.
"I'm sorry."
He just looks at me, still angry, trying to free himself from my grip. I decide that if I'm going to tell him the truth it should be right now.
"You want to know why I'm keeping that photo, Ichi?"
He stops struggling.
"You know, I thought that if I keep that photo, then you won't leave me."
Ichigo's glare dissipates. He's listening to me intently now. My grip on his arm lightens.
"What do you mean by that?" he asks. It looks like he's starting to calm down but that scowl remains.
"It means exactly what it sounds like. I kept the original picture because I thought doing that would stop you from leaving me. I know that's fucked up. But I don't want to keep blackmailing you. I don't want to lose you."
"And if I leave you anyway?" He dares to ask.
I hope he doesn't really want to do that. He can say it but his voice tells me otherwise. He looks more worried now. I need to stop and actually take a breath.
"I really don't want you to do that," I say honestly. "I can't even think about that."
"If I don't you'll get rid of me anyway."
"You're delusional." I state. "Everything I'm telling you is the truth."
Ichigo doesn't resist or try to fight me when I reach for his waist. "I don't want to get rid of you. I need you. I don't care if you believe me or not but you're not getting away from me that easy."
I catch him smile before his expression goes flat again.
I gently pull him closer to me. Ichigo runs a hand through my hair and his eyes are slightly lidded, wet lips parted staring at my lips. I know he wants me to kiss him even though he's still mad at me. I'll have to give him time to let all this sink in. He pulls away from my arms before I even fathom kissing him.
"Grimmjow I need to go back." Ichigo presses his palm to my chest. "Before they come looking for me."
I get it. If his friends see him they're going to start asking questions and obviously Ichigo isn't ready to start explaining our relationship.
Ichigo walks away from me. I hear the door swing open and close. My head drops. I need to see him again after tonight. I need to talk to him because we still have shit we need to discuss. I don't know how I'm going to get Ichigo to come back to me. If he even wants to anymore. At least I've told him the truth. But I still get the feeling that all isn't lost, and I won't have to threaten him just to bring him back to me.
All is revealed now. Thanks for reviewing!