Part Two

Blair walks over to him and pushes the door closed. Wrapping one arm around his neck, she presses close to him then whispers into his ear "You need me tonight and you know it."

The smooth skin of her cheek brushes over the coarser skin on his as she pulls back to look into his eyes.

"I'll be fine," he lied. And she knew it was a lie. He always said he would be fine but all that meant is he would shut down his heart for years at a time. He would feel nothing: not love or hate, not joy or pain. Blair couldn't stand the idea of that happening again. To watch him be a shadow of his self would break her heart. She knew if he could hold on to someone who was still full of life and hope and vitality then he just might escape another descent into a black walking grief- with only room for bitterness and silent rage as his companions instead of her, or his brother, or Marty's son Cole. All the people who needed John more than John even could understand.

Blair kisses him again, immediately opening her mouth and not holding back her desire for him as she lets her body press against John. A voice in the back of her mind whispers You've always wanted this. You've always wanted this. You've always wanted him...to be yours.

And maybe she has. But she can't admit that. She will always say they shared this night because he needed it. Because if she lets herself go there in her mind and heart...if she lets herself really contemplate just how long she has wanted more than simple friendship with her best friend Blair will have to stop playing games with other men and finally grow up completely. She will have to step into the love she has been skirting the edges of for well over a decade.

But in this moment, when she leads John over to the bed and then steps out of her dress, she isn't about to work through all that in her brain. She thinks of this as a way to keep John focused on life instead of death. She knows he would not let anyone see him right now while he is at his worst. She is the only one he will let this close right now and so she has to do all she can for him.

He bends to kiss her neck. His lips move to her collarbone and then her shoulder. When he straightens, Blair sees a single tear slide from his eye. She kisses it away. He breathes out her name, and its filled with warnings about how she should run away from him. He's only a magnet for misery, he's sure.

But Blair would never run from him. She's running right toward John in this moment. She will follow him into Hell if that is what she has to do in order to bring him back to her side. Blair unties his tie, tosses it aside, and then slides his suit jacket off.

As much as he tries to stay unattached, devoid of feeling anything for anyone ever again let alone for Blair who has meant so much to him for so long, John can not keep his eyes from moving over her lingerie clad body. She's snuck into more fantasies than he would ever admit to over the years. He just never thought they would end up together. If he was thinking straight he would never risk losing her friendship over one night of sex, but it isn't even sex that he needs right now. Its just feeling something other than his gut wrenching loss that has been squeezing at his heart and lungs for days.

He grabs Blair and kisses her. They move as one backwards until his legs hit the bed and John sits down. He breaks their kiss. Gently he pulls down the straps on her bra, while kissing the swell of her breast. Her hands run through his hair. Blair let out a soft sigh that turns into a moan as his tongue darts out and licks her nipple. He lets his mind go blank then, not allowing himself to see Marty's face in his mind's eye where she has stayed for so many months now and not allowing himself to think about how jealous he has been in the past of all the men Blair let be with her like this.

He can't think about why he's doing this. That would be more than his torn up heart can bear to decipher tonight. All John can do is kiss Blair over and over, and let that be his reality for now: her love, this gift.

Maybe tomorrow he will feel worse, and wonder if he has lost his best friend just as much as he has lost Marty, but that will be tomorrow. Tonight he doesn't have to fall into despair and think about how empty he feels. Tonight Blair is by his side, saving him from himself, and John thanks God for that, for her, for their friendship. She's always said she couldn't get through this life without him. But he couldn't get through this second or the next or the next without her. He figures he will just keep going this way, for as long as he can manage, living by the second, lost in her, and hope that when she finally lets go of him he doesn't crumple.

When he stands up, her hands move to his belt and she slowly undoes it, while her eyes stay locked on him. John realizes that Blair isn't about to walk out of his apartment until she is sure he's through the worse of his pain, and sure he won't shut down on her. She will let him use her, love her, hate her, yell at her, anything and everything, just not push her away.

But he doesn't have the willpower to push her anyway. Not anymore.

His walls crumbled somewhere between their first and second kiss tonight and the last thing John would do now is tell her to go. His body is hard and ready for her when she slides her hand around him. Every caress takes him closer to the point of being able to think of nothing but the moment he can finally slide into her body. And soon that is all that is on his mind, not the past and not the future, not anything but that this woman loves him, that she is his best friend and the only one who would give him so much of herself knowing that he didn't have anything to offer her back.

She lays on the bed and John looks down at her. Her eyes are filled with need. He's always protected her and in this moment he wonders if he should be protecting her from himself. He's never been a greedy man but he lets himself be greedy tonight.

He takes the comfort she offers as he brings his lips to hers once more. Now that they are both naked, their bodies move against each other sending erotic jolts through him. Never taking his lips off hers, he reaches into his bedside drawer for a condom and places it on the bed. His fingers slide into her, her wet heat surrounds him. She's filling up his senses. He's breathing and tasting and touching her all at once, hearing her moans filling his ears, and watching the expression on her face as she eyes close and she throws her head back on the pillow.

Later, she is fitted close into his arms. The room is dark and still cold. A comforter is pulled tight around them both. For a long time they don't say anything, but they don't fall asleep either. She runs her fingers up and down his arm, soothingly. As if she must keep doing whatever she can to let him know that he is not alone, and that he will never be alone as long as she is alive.

Finally he asks the only question that matters. Though he knows the answer, he still can't stop himself from asking. "Why'd you do this?"

"Because I love you."

He places a kiss on the base of her neck. "Mmmm. Figured you'd say that."

She turned over. Smiling, Blair asked "Of you did, huh? Have anything to say about it?"

"You know...this...you being here...I appreciate it. No one else could have gotten me through this night. Guess I made a good choice when I picked you as my best friend."

"Guess you did, John."

After a long minute of looking in her eyes, with the moonlight streaming over them, he said "I love you too. And tomorrow...don't you dare worry about anything changing between us, all right?"

"I know it won't. We're gonna always be best friends." She snuggled closer to him. "And anytime we need each other...we'll be there for each other. Now sleep, John. It's okay. I'm here with you."

He would have hated if anyone else had said that to him. But he didn't mind it coming from her. She knew him well enough to know just what he feeling, and just what he needed. John fell asleep with a his best friends in his arms.

Tomorrow he would mourn the woman he had lost. Tonight he would hold the woman he could never lose...no matter what happened. Blair belonged to him, more than any other man on earth, and because John belonged to her just as much she had been the only one he would let get this close. Close enough to hear his heartbeat and feel his tears. Close enough to love.

THE END