I pirouette in the dark

I see the stars through me

Tired mechanical heart

Beats till the song disappears

Somebody shine a light

I'm frozen by the fear in me

Somebody make me feel alive

And shatter me

So cut me from the line

Dizzy, spinning endlessly

Somebody make me feel alive

And shatter me!

Shatter Me – Lindsey Stirling ft Lzzy Hale

My eyes open and I bring my hands up to rub them but stop as I see my hand is bandaged, I sit up and look to see my other one is bandaged too. My eyes look around to see I'm laid on the couch in my front room and all the mess I'd created earlier has been cleaned.

"Dad" I call

I turn to the doorway as I hear footsteps and smile lightly as I see my dad come to a stop in the doorway, his wise eyes staring at me in worry.

"You scared me baby" He sighs and I nod

"I'm sorry"

I stand up and walk past him into the kitchen trying to get my breathing under control as I know he will want answers. And I will give him them, I have to give him them as I can no longer carry on this way.

"Coffee" I ask as I walk towards the pot and begin putting a fresh load on.

"Baby" he starts and I turn to look at him holding up a hand.

"Just wait" I sigh "I will tell you everything but please let me get my head sorted"

I turn back to the coffee pot and hear my dad walk over to the fridge and pull out a few beers before walking over to the table and sitting down. As I wait for the coffee I reach for the smokes on the side and light one up before pouring myself a black coffee, knowing I'll need something strong to help me through the next few hours. Once I've got my coffee I grab my smokes and head to the table sitting in the chair next to my dad.

"Do you want to tell me why I just witnessed you trying to break your own hands and then had to hold you as you went through a god damn breakdown?"

"I will" I nod "But you need to promise me something"

"Nikki"

"No daddy, you need to promise me that even with everything I am going to tell you that you will not hate me" I state staring him deep in the eyes "I can live with you being disappointed but I can live with you hating me so please daddy promise you will not hate me"

"I promise" He says seriously whilst staring me in the eyes and I nod before taking a drag of my cig.

"I was always the lost little girl" I start "I was easily manipulated into doing what everyone asked of me. But I always had this itch, this itch to get out of Charming and find myself in a place I didn't know and start over, maybe ride a Harley just for kicks. But I kept it at bay; I kept that shit buried deep because I didn't want to leave you"

"Baby"

"No dad, I need to say all this so please try not to interrupt" I sigh looking at him quickly before averting my eyes back to the cup in my hands "I kept it at bay and I just went through the motions. Until the day the Hell's reapers rolled into the lot and I saw those female bikers, all of them looking like they belong and it became harder for me to keep that itch from surfacing"

I take a deep breath as I feel the tears start to build and reach for a new smoke lighting it before carrying on with my tale "Two days before I left Clay came to me, he asked me to do something. He said I was the only one that could do it and all of you guys had voted it in and wanted me to do it. He asked me to leave Charming, ride to Vegas and try my hardest to join the Hell's Reapers. And that's exactly what I did two days later when I left in the middle of the night"

"I rode and carried on riding until I collapsed in a motel on Vegas' strip. I slept for three days and when I woke up the next day I began looking for jobs everywhere, I didn't want to listen to Clay but in the end I found myself at the Hell's Reapers garage, they told me to come back in two days which I did and it was there I met the president Bumble. He asked me to fix his bike, no problem as you'd been teaching me that from the minute I could walk. When I left that second day I had a job"

"I worked in the garage for six months before I was approached about prospecting, I thought all my Christmas' had come at once and immediately jumped on it, forgetting what Clay asked of me because I finally felt at home. I did my full year and was patched in."

"What's your name" My dad asks and I chuckle

"Chaos" I reply and my dad curses loudly but I ignore him and continue

"I was given the name because I'd kicked the asses of a lot of whores who hung around the club and I'd started more than enough fights" I chuckle "I was a normal member up until just after my twenty second birthday, the guys realised I was the quietest member when it came to sneaking up on someone and putting them to ground so my role was changed to enforcer"

"For five years I was the one who took out who killed those who had either hurt my club or acted as a threat to my club. My first kill nearly broke me but I soon got used to it. I also learnt I was a masochist and started recording my kills by getting a black bird tattooed on my side"

"How many" My dad whispers "How many kills"

"I'm two birds short of thirty"

"Jesus Nikki" He shouts

"The whole time I worked and killed someone Clay would keep ringing me for information about the Reapers but I wouldn't give him it, I wasn't a god damn Rat and I was no longer his god damn play thing" I growl "But he carried on, the threats kept changing but every time he threatened me I made a move which stopped that threat in its tracks"

"Clay wanted you to rat on the reapers" My dad asks

"Yeah" I nod "He wanted me to give him information on how to bring them down. He even said he didn't give two shits if I was there when it happened. I would be a casualty of war"

"Anyway about Six months ago we found two of our guys dead beside two Sons" I say carrying on "We didn't know what happened so Bumble asked me to come here to Charming and be a Rat on you guys" I laugh darkly

"You what"

"I didn't rat dad, it's not who I am and who I never will be" I sigh "That attack where you found me with the Reapers, that was them trying to get me to give information but I wouldn't. Hell they had Ripper rape me but I still wouldn't say a thing"

"You killed Ripper"

"Course I did. That fucker was not going to be breathing after doing that to me" I sigh "But I still didn't Rat and Clay hated that fact so he came to me in the hospital and tried to get me to remember my promise. I remembered it but it didn't mean shit, I wasn't going to do it"

"So the attack that landed you in hospital today?" He asks

"Clay" I whisper "Bumble phoned him and told him I wasn't doing as I was told"

"Clay and Bumble are working together"

"It would appear so" I sigh "But daddy I swear down on yours and Happy's lives I did not rat. I haven't said a god damn thing about either club to anyone."

I light up another smoke as my dad stands up and begins pacing around my kitchen, his hands running through his hair over and over, a failsafe tick for my dad. I drink my now cold coffee as I await the questions.

"Your tattoos, Happy would have said something if he saw your birds" he asks turning to me "Everyone knows Chaos, well you, had the birds"

"One of my club sisters Disney helps keep a track on the porn business the club owns, she gave me some stuff that can cover tattoos"

He nods "Did any of them come near the clubhouse"

"No" I say exhaling smoke and looking up at the ceiling "Not when they were meeting me, I usually got a call to meet that at the Diner just outside of Charming. And it was only ever Disney I met the most. Bumble once"

"How could you Nikki"

"I was lost daddy" I cry "I just wanted somewhere to belong"

"You belonged here" He shouts making me jump

"No I didn't" I reply "I couldn't live being just a princess, yeah these six months were awesome but that's because I'd already done what I wanted to do since I was little which Is wear a Kutte and ride a Harley. But you know me daddy; I couldn't have lived with being looked after"

"Jesus Nikki, you really have made a mess this time"

"What happens now" I ask timidly

"I've got to take it to the table, it has to be a club decision" He sighs "Do you have any proof"

"Not on me"

"Jesus"

I shake my head as I return my gaze to the ceiling feeling quite proud that I'd called Disney to bring my proof down. I know Clay will lie and get all this pinned on me, he'll make up some bullshit story that will make me the bad one and all them idiots will lap it up because he's the President and they have to listen to him.

"Wait here"

I nod absently as I begin thinking on what my next move should be, I pray they don't order me killed as god knows that will make Disney start shooting people as that woman loves me like her own child but also it would kill my dad. If I'm banished then at least I can raise my baby somewhere, yeah the baby will never know it's dad but I can live with that, I think.

I stand up from my chair and grab my keys before heading up to my room and over to my drawers, I grab the smallest key on my set and unlock the top one. I reach in and pull out a letter, a letter I had written when I realised I loved Happy and when I knew I was going to be breaking his heart. I turn as I hear my dad and relock the draw before walking over to him.

"Can you give that to Happy" I ask "But wait a while, wait until some of this shit has blown over and things are quieter"

"Baby this shit won't blow over for a while" he sighs "I know but please daddy, give it to him"

He nods and places it inside his Kutte before steeling his eyes on me "We need to go to the clubhouse their calling church"

I nod and walk into my bathroom quickly grabbing a syringe and my hoody.

"What's that?"

"A sedative, I want you to give it to me before you go into church. It's the only way I'll be calm enough whilst you do what's needed"

"Okay"

He takes it from my hand and then leads the both of us down the stairs and out the door, I lock it behind me and hand him the keys before following him to his bike. He hands me his helmet and I place it on and climb on behind him, wrapping my arms around his middle I can't help but wonder when I'll be able to do it again.

If ever.

END NOTE – ONE more chapter after this.

PLEASE REVIEW, THE REVIEWS ARE DWINDLING AGAIN AND I DON'T LIKE IT AS AGAIN I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS LIKE WHAT I'M WRITING. Thank you