A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns, I just play.
This was an opportunity, and there was no way I was going to miss it.
Tonight, Ali and I were finally going to talk.
The day dragged on like the rain in Forks filters through pine trees – way too slowly. At least in History I had the tangles of Jasper's dirty-blond tendrilly hair to distract me, but in English it was only the haphazard doodles someone had left in my copy of Julius Caesar. By Physics it was only the bouncing of my knee, even though Mike had told me to cut it out more than once. When nothing else could distract me, I stared at the tick of the big hand on each of the Quileute Country School District standard-issue clocks. I'm sure they slowed down whenever I was looking, but that didn't help me find something else to focus on.
Lunch was actually vaguely interesting, and by that I mean distracting. Tyler was spazzing out over an upcoming biology project, while simultaneously trying to complete the homework he had due after lunch. He had spread his papers out across the table, insinuating them between everyone's sandwiches and apples and drinks and crackers.
"Jasper, man, what's the answer to number four?"
"The square root of pi," he replied casually, not even bothering to check which class the homework was for.
I chuckled, but Tyler huffed. "No, seriously. Please? I just don't get it. Do you think genetics will be part of the project?"
"Fine." Setting his sandwich down on the brown paper bag Esme had packed it in, Jas reached across the table for the list of questions I knew he had already finished. "Oh yeah, that one was tricky. It's a female to male backcross."
"Great, man. Thanks. Do you have a partner for the Final Project yet?"
"Nope," he said, picking up his sandwich again.
Tyler seemed genuinely relieved by this news. "Thank god. I was afraid I'd end up with Lauren or something, and she really sucks at bio."
Wow, talk about a pot and kettle situation. Since I was sitting directly across from Tyler I couldn't roll my eyes like I wanted to but Mike did it for me. From his spot beside Tyler, he was free to make whatever disparaging expressions he wanted, and I flashed a grin back.
Tyler was going on about how great it would be when they worked together, and it didn't escape my notice that he hadn't actually asked Jas to be his partner. Jas noticed too, I was sure, but he just munched on his sandwich and nodded along.
He would probably be fine working with Tyler – the project wasn't that hard. Besides, if Tyler really couldn't pull his weight, Jasper could look at my notes from last year since I was a year ahead in science.
I gave his knee an encouraging pat under the table, only moving from the wrist down so that no one would notice.
At one point I saw Ali and Bella without Seth hovering around, but they were heading away from our table and I didn't want to approach Ali until we had more time.
I was planning on turning in my college stuff to Mrs. Cope, since she only had walk-in hours during lunch. I had it out on the table, to remind me, but Mike and I were having too much fun silently making fun of Tyler that I lost track of time until the bell rang. I knew if I ran I could probably still make it to her office and back in the passing period, but Jasper suggested somewhat gruffly that I wait until tomorrow, so I let it go for today.
After school I threw myself into training, which pleased the coach. I didn't see Leah around anywhere, and it occurred to me that maybe all the Clearwaters were MIA today. I shook that thought off and focused on my sprints to keep myself distracted but, as always, running only provided a better opportunity for obsessive thoughts and self reflection. There were so many things I wanted to talk to Alice about, but my conversation with Charlie had bumped new priorities to the top of the list.
Alice might be pissed at me, but if I had any hope of winning custody I figured she would have to testify to what a capable and attentive caretaker I was. She needed to be prepared for whatever was about to happen. Plus, other than the logistical errors in Charlie and I planning this alone, Alice would be pissed if she knew we were deciding her future without her.
Dad's whereabouts and how we should proceed was now number one on my list of Things to Discuss with Ali.
When we all piled into my car, though, Alice was quieter than usual. I mean, she usually ignored me these days, but she had hardly said two words to Bella either, who was equally somber, and I began to wonder if there was something going on with Seth. I couldn't imagine he would willfully give up the opportunity to keep Alice from me.
"How come Seth's mom can't take you home today?" I asked of Ali's reflection in the rearview mirror, as diplomatically as I could.
Without looking up she mumbled, "Visiting their dad."
That was odd. I had never heard anything about Mr. Clearwater, but it was still a shock to learn he didn't live with his wife and kids. Or was it ex-wife and kids? "Where does he live?"
Ali's face shifted into something pained, and reminiscent of when we'd moved here, but said nothing. After a long beat of silence, Bella finally spoke for her.
"Harry Clearwater died of a heart attack last year," she said softly.
…Holy crap. I'd had no idea.
Jasper turned around in his seat and voiced what we were both thinking. "That's awful."
Bella nodded, while Ali did nothing.
It was awful. Losing a parent was the most devastating, hopeless feeling I knew of, and I wouldn't wish that kind of anguish on anyone, not even that dickwad, Seth. Ali looked up and I caught her eye in the mirror.
"I'm really sorry," I said earnestly. "What an awful day." The first anniversary of Mom's death had been the hardest for me, and I figured it would be equally difficult for the Clearwaters. My heart went out to Seth, for just a moment, as I thought about how glad I was he had someone like Ali in his life, someone who understood. Then I realized that Ali was equally lucky, even though it had been almost four years since our mom had died.
But then I realized that since he had Ali in his life, I no longer did, and he was back on my shit list again.
When I pulled up to the Swan house Alice slid out of the car without a word, and Bella followed close behind. I jumped out of the driver's seat quickly, but left the keys in the ignition.
Jasper, being his usual quick-on-the-uptake self, opened his door and called out, "Hey Bella, how do you feel about ice cream?"
She looked confused as she glanced warily from Jas to me to Alice, who had also turned around to watch us, but Bella eventually decided to get back in the car with Jasper. He held the passenger door open for her like a gentlemen and she thanked him, even though her eyes were on me, probably wondering what I was up to.
Alice, of course, realized this was a set up and was already in a foul mood over being trapped in a house with me. And we weren't even in the damn house yet.
"Leave me alone," she yelled, sounding like a looping tape of herself, and every other pissed off teenage girl I'd seen in movies. She slammed the front door behind her, but didn't lock it, so I followed her in.
"Ali," I said quietly, beseechingly, and maybe even a little patronizingly. "Just ten minutes."
She spun on her heel at the bottom of the stairs, arms instantly crossed. "Two."
"Five," I bargained. She rolled her eyes but didn't argue, so I took that as a concession. "Can we sit?"
"I'd rather stand."
Obviously, I was going to have to fight her every step of the way. "Ali, I just want five minutes of real conversation, okay? You owe me at least that."
She abandoned the conversation in an instant, stomping up the stairs and only pausing as an afterthought to throw me a glare. I guess that was the wrong thing to say.
Determined and, if I'm honest, a little sick of her bullshit, I followed her up.
Bella's room wasn't nearly as big as Jasper's, and they didn't have a guest room, but Charlie had wheeled in a sturdy looking cot with enough thick padding and blankets to look reasonably comfortable. Last time I'd checked Alice slept in a sleeping bag – she'd said it made staying at Bella's feel like a perpetual sleepover – but I guess that had changed.
She was sitting at Bella's desk, trying to pretend she gave a shit about anything other than ignoring me just for the sake of it. I pulled the second chair up to the desk, trying to formulate some words that would get her to talk back. As much as I wanted to combat her angry demeanor, I knew that the Masen temper in her genes was an even match for mine. And that wasn't why I came over, anyway. I wanted to talk, to understand… once we understood each other, we wouldn't have to fight or avoid each other anymore... I hoped.
The longer I sat there, trying curb my anger at being treated so disposably and unable to think of the right thing to say, the more uncomfortably warm I got. I watched Ali's argumentative profile, devising and discarding possible ice-breakers in my mind until I was starting to sweat under my collar and pulled at it.
Alice glanced at the motion when I did, and ground out, "I don't owe you anything."
This time, I was eager to agree. "No, Ali, I know. You don't. I just… I really need to talk some stuff over with you." I saw her grind her teeth more forcefully so I amended, "About next year."
She finally made eye contact. "What about it?"
"Well, I'm graduating."
"Yeah? So?"
"Well," I stalled, not knowing how to say it. "Look, don't get mad, but did Charlie tell you about Dad?"
"He'll come back eventually," she whispered to where she was picking at her hands in her lap. Her tone was clipped, but hard to decipher. Even though it seemed like it should be obvious, I couldn't tell if she welcomed or rued his return. She didn't say anything else, though.
This quiet version of Alice was a different kind of opponent, and I decided on a new approach. "Ali," I said softly, leaning my elbows on my knees to whisper in closer to her. "What do you want to happen now?"
She didn't say anything, or even look up, but she began slowly shaking her head. I waited out her silence and eventually she said, "I don't want anything to happen. I don't want anything to change."
I sighed. I would move the earth for her – or spend my life trying, anyway. I was willing to give up college for her. Anything she wanted, I would gladly give her, if I could hold on to what was left of my family. But she had to go and ask for the impossible.
Things were going to change, and neither of us had a choice.
"Ali, you're still a minor. The judge will have to appoint a legal guardian for you—"
Her head snapped up, and I could see the infamous Masen temper back in the line of her brow and her artificially-amber eyes. "Judge? Who called a damn judge?"
Damnit. I thought Charlie would have told her the whole story. Now she was going to be pissy and on edge while I had to explain everything. Then again, it's not like she wasn't already a nightmare to talk to before. If she stormed away at the mere mention of Dad, like she usually did with me, I could see how Charlie wouldn't have a chance to break all the news to her.
Still, that left it up to me. And that sucked. I opened my mouth to explain, but she was already out of her chair, flailing and ranting.
"Why couldn't you just leave things the way they are, Edward?" She was eyeing me like someone eyes a corner that they just stubbed their toe on – like even though it wouldn't do any good, they might want to kick back at it, just for closure. "You always have to meddle!"
Alice was quickly in full-on tantrum mode, calling out demands for me to 'stop ruining things' and stomping her foot. Her too-long sleeves had slipped over her hands, even as she fisted them against her hips, but I could see her forefinger picking at the cuticles of the same hand in a blatantly nervous gesture. If anything, her little fit reminded me how young she was, and I suddenly felt like an aged, overburdened old man.
My back felt stiff and my head felt heavy as I called out her name to get her attention. "I didn't do anything, okay?" The last thing I needed was for her to hate me for things I didn't even do. "Charlie's a cop," I pointed out, hoping to impart some kind of reality check. "Now that Dad's officially gone, he has to be reported."
"For what?" she bit out, acting like parents left their children behind all the time and there was no point to lift a finger about it.
I couldn't believe she was serious – that she really wanted to go there. "Abandonment." For starters.
She rolled her eyes. "We both know he'll be back."
Jesus, she really was ready to go there. "How about neglect?"
She didn't waver at all. Apparently, that was still what she'd call a 'no biggy' so I had no choice but to pull out my trump card, the lowest blow of them all. I squeezed my eyes shut briefly, prepping myself for the turn this conversation was about to take.
Though Ali's testimony would probably simplify and expedite the hearing, a charge of neglect would probably be enough to revoke my dad's custody. Or, even if it wasn't, all I had to do was testify to all the drunken rages and glass-flinging I'd witnessed when I was younger and the judge would get Alice as far away from Dad as he could.
But Ali had to know it would come up.
When I opened my eyes, I fixed them directly on hers and, in the clearest voice I could muster, suggested, "Abuse."
Her eyes narrowed and her fists tightened and I knew she was about to blow up. Just like she always did.
"Damnit, Edward!" She turned away from me, pacing across an arbitrarily small patch of floor. "Why can't you just shut up about it already?"
I stepped back from her, huffing a little and narrowing my eyes right back, because I really kind of resented that. "I'm not trying to talk about it!" I hadn't said a word in fucking weeks.
She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms like a bratty teenager. "Oh, please. You've been waiting to get me alone for weeks just so I would admit he hit me."
Her words were like a physical illness that flashed over me. My chest clenched and my stomach dropped. Any trace of anger evaporated, like water off a hot sidewalk, leaving not a trace. I knew he had hit her – I was pretty sure – but that was the closest she had ever come to admitting it.
"So he did?" I asked in strained whisper.
"No! I never said that." she yelled from mere feet away, still balling her fists at her sides. Her eyes got shiny and I could see her contacts slipping across her irises more than they were supposed to, so I knew she was genuinely upset. I knew she was lying.
I wanted to say so many things in that moment. I wanted to beg her to tell me truth, and let her know it was okay to cry. I wanted to promise I would never let that asshole near her again. I wanted to defend myself and tell her the real reason I'd been aching for a chance to talk with her.
I didn't say any of that though. I didn't want to talk about Dad and risk making her any more combatant or avoidant than she already was. And I really didn't want to tell her about me and Jasper while she was still pissed. Instead, I tried to focus on the issues at hand, so that we could smooth this over and get back to the not-yelling-at-me portion of the evening as fast as we could.
"You need a new guardian," I reiterated. "And I'm supposed to apply to colleges soon."
She was wiping a tear away with the back of one knuckle, but leaning away like I wouldn't notice what she was doing. When she turned back to me, she asked, "What does that have to do with anything? I thought you were set on Princeton."
I shook my head, shoving my bangs from my face when they fell into my vision. "No. I don't have to go," I said, eagerly trying to make my point. To make my offer. "I'll stay here, Ali, with you."
"Didn't you already apply?"
She was getting all my car-ride conversations with Jasper mixed up, and I wanted to make it clear for her. "No, only Jasper's applying early. He's leaving, but I'm not."
As she paused a moment to think over that, I did too.
He's leaving, but I'm not.
I don't know why it never clicked before but, in that moment, I realized exactly what I was saying. Jas was leaving. His early application to Cornell was contractual, and he would definitely get in. He would be leaving for college next fall. But I'm not…
Holy shit.
I felt like I had been juggling a separate life on each hand, but when I tried to hold them in the same space they clashed in mid-air and came crashing to the ground. My daily life was a mess. It focused on a father who left me and a sister who refused to talk to me and the countless responsibilities that fell on my shoulders because of all that. It was upsetting and discouraging and anxiety-provoking. But my nightly life was… Jasper. It was heated kisses and soft caresses and whispered laughter. Sure, I talked to him about all my worries and concerns, but they were still external to our time together. It was idyllic, and I never let any of the anxious clutter from the rest of my life in, because being with Jasper was a safe haven, not to be sullied.
He was the one constant thing in my life, from even before we were dating. When I talked to him about getting custody of Ali, it had never really clicked that staying behind meant losing him in return.
I was willing to do whatever it took to help Ali but, with that revelation, it became clear that I hadn't really looked at the reality of the situation. What else had I overlooked? And had Jas already thought of this – if so, why hadn't he said anything?
Several instances came to mind – not in which he'd said something, but in which he'd specifically not said anything, like when he refused to make eye contact the last time Esme asked me about my college choices.
Until today, that is, when we were nearly to the first deadline… and he asked me to wait.
This reality crept thickly through my limbs as the anxiety I always carried but tried to subdue overwhelmed me. What if Jas thought I wanted to leave him next year? Worse, I actually was planning on leaving him next year. But… inadvertently!
I felt frazzled and incompetent and like a shitty boyfriend or, hell, even a shitty best friend. I wanted to call him, I wanted to go to him and ask him how to make this all work, because I wanted to make this work. I was so completely in over my head here, and for the first time I started to think that maybe I couldn't do this all on my own.
My panic was starting to feel constricting, and tugging on my collar was no longer enough. I quickly unzipped my thick jacket and flung it across the chair behind me.
I didn't want Jas to go without me, but I couldn't just leave Ali behind. I couldn't abandon her, like Dad did. I hated the thought that I might have to choose between them, but I knew that my obligation to Alice came first. Even if I had to ask for help to do it, I should be here for her, if she wanted me to.
It occurred to me, belatedly, that Alice was watching me with an annoyed and expectant look.
"Huh?" I asked, still sort of unfocused.
"Why are you even thinking of staying here?"
"To get custody of you," I answered, sort of on auto-pilot.
That was apparently another wrong-thing-to-say.
"What? Why can't I stay here with Charlie and Bella?"
I didn't know if Charlie would be a suitable guardian, seeing as how he was a single father with a dangerous profession. But, then again, I guess an inexperienced eighteen year old brother didn't sound much better. I still felt like I had to try, though.
"You can still see them," I promised. "I know you're mad at me for… stuff, but can't we try to keep the Masen family together?" What's left of it, anyway.
She dropped her arms and quickly focused her eyes on her fidgeting hands as she shook her head. "I don't want to be a Masen."
I was slightly taken aback, and hurt and shocked, but I knew that wasn't a real answer. Maybe I shouldn't have used Dad's family name, maybe trying to hold on to the image we had before was a mistake. I understood the complicated push and pull of family loyalty, I really did. I just had to get her to believe that.
"What about the Baileys?" I tried, feeling like I was grasping at straws. Mom's side of the family didn't carry all the vile aggression that Dad's did. We could forget he existed, entirely. "We could be the Bailey kids."
She wrapped her arms around herself, closing herself off from that suggestion too. "Not a Bailey…"
Fuck, we could rename ourselves the Cleavers if it would make any difference.
But Ali's eyes were starting to water again, and the tears fell haphazardly as she shook her head.
I could practically feel the sister I once had slipping from my grip, and my mind filled with desperation. I wanted it to be like it used to be. I reached for her, wanting to soothe and comfort her turmoil like I always had. "Ali," I cooed, trying to appeal to her. "Teeny…"
She stepped backwards, though, away from me and the hug I was waiting to give her, and held up one palm to stop me. The distance between us felt immeasurable.
I wasn't sure I had made any progress by talking to her today, but I wasn't above begging. "Please, Ali, just tell me what you want me to do. I just want to be a family again."
I reached for her again, moving closer, but she still shied away. I could see her composure degenerating before me. These weren't the scared, frenzied sobs I'd witnessed on our old front lawn, though, but quiet, resigned tears.
Standing there, all folded in on herself, she was still the petite sister I'd always had… but the similarities ended there. Taking in her cropped black hair, her alarming honey eye color and the way she refused to open up to me at all, she seemed so foreign to me.
I didn't know how to get through to her, or what else to say.
Pressing a hand to her mouth, she slipped past me and into the narrow hallway. By the time I turned after her, she had shut herself into the hallway bathroom.
The door had an anthropomorphized purple butterfly with a smiley face painted on it, no doubt a remnant from when Bella was a kid. It seemed terribly at odds with the lives we were living now.
I checked, and the handle was locked.
I pressed my hand against the door, trying to get as close to her as possible, and I could hear her quiet sniffles.
"Ali?" I called through the door.
"Your five minutes are up."
Hell, my five minutes were long over. I knew that. She knew that.
And I knew that this conversation was officially a disaster. I'd taken my fragile baby sister, and made her a crying, baby sister.
But she'd made it clear that she didn't want me to have custody, she didn't even want to be part of our family, and I had no idea how to argue with that. There was nothing left to say, except…
"I love you," I said, leaning my clammy forehead against that damned happy butterfly.
If she heard me, she didn't let me know.
It took several minutes for me to actually turn away from the door, and it wasn't until I promised myself this wasn't over that I actually moved myself down the scuffed, wooden hallway to the stairs. She may not want me to have custody, but she was still my sister, and I would fight for that. Later. Right now, I didn't think any good would come from forcing my company on her.
Jas and Bella were at the kitchen table, no ice cream in sight. I must have looked pretty distressed, because they both jumped up the second they saw me. Jasper's expression was laced heavily with concern, but he didn't speak up just yet.
"Still won't talk about it?" Bella asked with a sigh, and I shook my head.
"You should probably go check on her."
She nodded and headed for the stairs directly behind me, looking compassionate but determined. She surprised me, though, by stopping in front of me and patting her slender hand on my arm. It was a sweet gesture, but not the consolation I was looking for. I did my best to smile down at her – though she was taller than Alice, she still only came to my collarbones.
Once she was gone, Jas moved to stand right in front of me, not touching me except for grazing the tips of his fingers against mine.
It was enough.
"It went shitty," I said, before he even had to ask. "Really, really shitty. She's crying in the bathroom right now."
He nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I kinda figured. Did you, did you tell her? About us?"
"No," I muttered, a little petulantly. Instead of telling her everything I'd wanted her to know for the past month, I'd just driven us further apart. "We didn't get that far," I explained.
He slid his fingers a little farther between mine, but his lips were pressed into a tight line and the way his expressive eyes searched my face made him look concerned, but also a little disappointed. When I raised an eyebrow questioningly, he admitted, "I was kind of looking forward to holding your hand in the car. You know, once she knew."
Ugh. Just one more goal I didn't accomplish tonight. We still would have had to tell Bella, but that was pretty much dependent on how Ali took it.
At this point, I wondered if I'd ever be able to tell her. Despite everything, all the anger and avoidance and attitude, I still wanted her to know – still wanted her excitement and approval, the way Jas had with his parents.
"So," he said, shifting his weight but still tracing his fingers along my hand in a small, but soothing gesture. "Did you talk about what Charlie said?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
"She wants to stay with Charlie. She…" I swallowed uncomfortably; this was hard to admit. "She said she doesn't want to be part of my family anymore."
"What?" Jas's voice was louder and sharper than I'd expected.
"I tried, Jas, I really did."
He shuffled closer to me, slipping his hand into mine to hold it properly. It was a welcome sensation – the more skin we had touching the calmer I felt, and I gave his palm a squeeze. I felt weird holding his hand in Charlie Swan's kitchen, though, so I pulled him over to the front door, and we let ourselves out.
It took me a couple tries to get the key in the ignition, but I finally jammed it in with a grunt, feeling useless and incompetent once again. My temper was flaring back up, and I think it was pretty obvious.
"Hey. Hold up," Jas said softly, putting his hand over mine.
He shifted in his seat, pulling up one foot and twisting to face me.
I mirrored him, feeling too wound up to drive.
He propped his elbows up on the center console and grabbed my hand, holding it up between us. "What exactly did she say?"
"She wants to stay with Charlie," I said bitterly. I knew my moods were especially mercurial tonight; I was wavering between absolutely forlorn and overwhelmingly annoyed, and now the frustration I'd felt earlier was taking a second go-around. "She doesn't want to be a Masen, or a Bailey or anything else that has to do with me or our family."
I was getting angrier just talking about it.
"Hey," he said again. "This is not your fault."
I rolled my eyes in disbelief. If it wasn't my fault, she'd still be fucking talking to me, wouldn't she?
He slid his right hand up my arm until his warm palm cupped my cheek, where he swept this thumb across my skin. It was a welcome contrast to my mood, and I enjoyed his touch until I heard a car pass by and took notice of all the ambient noise around us. That's when I remembered we were parked in a car in public where anyone could see us.
I leaned away from him, shaking my head. "Not here."
He dropped his hand compliantly, moving it back to our hands between us, but looked a little put out. His face looked grim, with his jaw clenched, and his lips were twitching like he had something to say that he wasn't.
And I was in no mood for beating around the bush. "What?"
He pursed his lips for a few moments before answering, like he was decided what to say, but finally did. "I'm pretty mad at your sister. That's a really shitty thing to say."
"Don't be mad at her," I sighed, roughly shoving a few locks of hair out of my face. "She's got her own shit going on."
Jasper didn't look appeased at all, though. Looking directly into my eyes he said, very matter-of-factly, "You are the best big brother she could ever have. No, really. You are so much better with her than I ever was with Rose. And just like you hate my sister—"
I tried to interrupt him to tell him I didn't hate Rosalie, even though sometimes I just wished she didn't exist the way she wished that I didn't, but he shook his head and pressed on.
"I get to be mad at yours for treating you like crap sometimes, okay?"
I sighed, unable to argue with that. I wished she'd be easier to talk to too, but she was my sister and I didn't have the luxury of being mad at her.
"Thanks, Jas," I said softly, leaning in towards him and resting my head on the very edge of my seat. Not for being mad at Ali, but just for caring enough to be angry on my behalf.
He just nodded back, but I knew he understood where I was coming from.
Keeping his bright eyes trained on mine, he leaned against the edge of his own seat, bringing our faces very close together. His thumbs were running over the backs of my hands, and he pushed off the center console with his elbows to place a soft, open-mouth kiss on my forehead. It was tender, and just a little wet, and I could feel the tension ebbing from my stiff shoulders as he held his mouth there for a few seconds. It felt fantastic to finally relax.
…Which is probably why it took me a couple seconds to recognize the figure in my peripheral vision, in the doorway of the Swan's house.
Bella.
One hand hung limply at her side, clutching the thick grey jacket I'd left upstairs, and the other was pressed against her chest as if she'd just gasped.
Crap. What had she seen?
I sat up straighter, instinctually pulling my hands out of Jasper's grip, and took in her bewildered expression. From the bob of her pony tail I could tell she was moving her head slightly, looking back and forth between me and Jasper.
She looked stricken. Maybe it was just the shock, but her eyes were wide and her forehead was creased with some strong emotion I couldn't place. I froze in place like a thief caught in floodlights, thinking, Crap, couldn't this day just be over?
When Bella finally looked back to me and we made eye contact, her chin crinkled up and I knew she was about to cry. Obviously, she'd seen something. Dropping my jacket on the landing, she hurled herself back into the house, not even bothering to pull the door closed behind her.
The shock of being seen, being… caught, was only secondary to the panic that rose up when I realized she was about to tell Alice what she'd witnessed.
"Fuck," I cursed, throwing open the car door and climbing out hastily. I was halfway to the front door when I glanced back to Jas, who was still sitting in the car, staring out the windshield. It irked me that he was so damn slow when there was damage control to be done.
This was exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid when I wouldn't let Jas be affectionate in public.
When I was already inside and approaching the stairs, I finally knew he'd gotten out of the car because I heard his door slam loudly.
I reached Bella just as Alice was opening the bathroom door, and her face was puffy and splotchy from crying.
She saw Bella first and asked, alarmed, "What happened?"
Bella's voice was far more distraught than I would have expected as she said, "They were holding hands," she sniffled. "It looked like they were kissing."
Alice's confused eyes traveled to me, then, and Bella followed her gaze. I guess she didn't know I was there, because as soon as she saw me she cried harder. Tears were openly streaming down her cheeks, and she wiped one away with her palm as she turned to shutherself in her bedroom.
Apparently, making girls run away crying was my specialty today, but this time I didn't know why. Was Bella so against same-sex couples? I hadn't pegged her for such a homophobe.
"Who were you kissing?" Ali demanded, coming out of the bathroom, clearly trying to get to Bella.
"No one," I swore, vehemently, because it was the truth. As I said it though, Ali's eyes shifted from my face to directly over my shoulder, and I heard the creak of footsteps at the top of the stairs. Jasper's footsteps.
Ali's eyes widened in understanding because, really, who else was here?
I heard Jasper step up behind me.
Alice had one hand on Bella's doorknob, but was frozen in place, gaping at us.
"You were kissing him? You're… gay now?"
I shook my head, unready to label myself like that. Her eyes narrowed though, and I could tell she thought I was lying, so I said, "But I'm… with Jasper." It was both a relief and a ridiculously nerve-wracking thing to say.
She didn't answer, but just stood there, staring at me like she just found out I brought all the rain to Forks or something.
The silence stretched on for too long as she looked from me to Jas and back, looking incredulous and slightly appalled.
With a slight rustle behind me, Jas moved one hand up to place it on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if it was intended to comfort or to claim me but, as always, his touch was soothing part of me as I revealed myself to the only family I had left.
Another part of me, though – the wound up, aggravated, anxious part of me – was annoyed that we got caught and that he was rubbing this in Ali's face before she'd really had a chance to process it.
I just wanted her acceptance. I thought back to that morning at the Cullen's kitchen table when Jasper had come out to them. He had been so frank, so candid about asking for what he needed.
"It's okay, isn't it?" I asked in a small and nervous voice.
She gawked. "Okay? Are you kidding? Did you see Bella?"
Obviously I had, but it wasn't her opinion I was worried about. "But what do you think?" I pleaded.
She pursed her lips, looking less blotchy and more aggressive than she had earlier. "I think you're an asshole, Edward."
With that she pushed open Bella's door and slammed it behind her.
I was left, standing in the hallway with Jasper, stunned. This day just kept getting worse and worse. I'd finally told Alice the truth; she knew everything, from my plans to get custody of her to my secret life with Jasper… and she thought I was an asshole.
"Fuck!" I growled, whipping around to storm down the hallway. I needed to get out of this house. Obviously, staying here wasn't doing me any good.
Jasper kept his grip on my shoulder, trying to maintain contact with me.
"I said not here," I reminded him with an angry tone and shaking him off.
He leaned away from me, dropping his hand, looking offended and a little hurt. I couldn't deal with that at the moment, though.
I got to the car first, and slammed my palm against the steering wheel while wondering how everything got so fucked up. The sting of the plastic was sharp against my hand, and it helped channel some of my aggression.
I was mad – mad that we'd gotten caught, and that Jas had been so free with his affection even after I told him not to. If he'd only kept his hands to himself…
He finally joined me, but told me to get out of the car. Apparently, he didn't want me to drive, so I got out and moved to the passenger's side. We passed the ride in silence, and even though it was seriously uncomfortable I kept my eyes trained out the window and never said a word.
When we pulled up to his house, he took the keys out of the ignition and laid them on the dashboard between us.
Without even turning to me he said, quietly, "I wasn't holding my own hand, Edward. And it's not my fault your sister got mad." Then he stepped out of the car and went into the house without bothering to wait.
It took me a moment to figure out what the hell that even meant. Holding his own hand? Of course he wasn't holding his own hand, we were holding each other's… oh.
I struggled against the feeling of shame that rose up – it was almost more comfortable just to be angry – but he was right. It wasn't his fault much more than it was mine. I wished he hadn't initiated anything like that in public, but I could have pulled away much sooner. Hell, I could have just told Ali when she'd pointed out how I'd been itching to talk to her, or even made more of an effort to tell her before today.
I guess… I could have done a lot of things differently. And now, instead of just Ali, I had alienated both of the most important people in my life in the span of just two hours. I slammed my hand against the dashboard again, as a distraction from the anger and blame I now directed at myself.
I grabbed the keys and locked the car behind me, intent on apologizing to Jasper and moving past this as quickly as possible. I couldn't let my relationship with Jas deteriorate like what I had with Ali, especially not if it was my fault.
Apparently dinner was ready, though, and they had been waiting on us, so Esme told me to wash my hands and come to dinner immediately. Jasper picked at his plate, but wouldn't make eye contact with me. His shoulders were slumped and his head was bowed, and seeing him like that just made me feel even guiltier.
He had been trying to help me, to comfort me, and I'd lashed out at him. I shouldn't let my frustration over things with Alice spill over into my time with Jasper.
Of course, remembering the division between my life with Alice and Jasper only reminded me of the whole college situation, and I had to suppress a groan at the dinner table.
Jas cleared his place and was excused from dinner in record time, and when I went to find him his bedroom door was pushed mostly shut. I knocked, out of courtesy, but he didn't say anything so I pushed my way in.
He was sitting at his desk, listening to his iPod and staring at some homework assignment I didn't really think he was focusing on. I called his name a couple times but he couldn't hear me, so I had to stand by the edge of his desk to get his attention. He looked up, startled, but with a whole slew of emotions on his face: hurt, anger, disappointment, suspicion and probably some others I couldn't read.
"I'm sorry," I said, cutting to the chase and hoping to diffuse his tension. He couldn't hear me through his earbuds, though, and pulled them out. "I'm sorry," I repeated. "I don't want to fight."
He gave me an appraising look, and I knew I must be confusing the hell out of him since my emotions had been ping-ponging all over the place today. I really was sorry, though, and that was the emotion I was sticking with.
"Her reaction wasn't my fault," he answered cautiously.
"I know, I… I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you."
He nodded, accepting my apology, but didn't say anything more.
I didn't think I could take any more charged silences today, though, so I soldiered on with everything I wanted to tell him. "I'm not trying to leave you."
"Leave me?" He instantly looked alarmed.
I realized that maybe I should have led into that a little better, but I didn't want him to worry so I grabbed both his hands and sat myself on his desk. "I wasn't thinking straight, Jas. I have to be here for Ali, you know?" But the remaining apprehension on his face told me that no, he didn't know. "I know you're going to Cornell, and I wanted to stay here for her, but it never really clicked."
"College?" he choked out. "You're talking about college?"
I nodded, and he nodded back, solemnly.
"So you really hadn't thought about it?"
"No," I groaned. "I'm such a dumbass."
"I thought," he murmured quietly, "that you'd already made a decision."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Well," he looked away, embarrassed or ashamed or something. "I figured if it was still up for debate, you'd have said something. And I know she's your sister, but I really didn't want to hear you choose her."
Several of his dirty-blond waves were covering his face but, since I held his hands, he couldn't brush them away. I freed one hand and did it for him, revealing those blue eyes I loved so much.
"I don't want to have to choose. I can't choose between you two."
"Do you still want to go to Princeton?"
"If Ali were okay," I said honestly, "yes."
He shook his soft curls out of his face again, but kept his eyes downcast. "What about, if Alice was okay… what about Cornell?"
Cornell. School with Jasper. Wow. Could I really follow my boyfriend to college? Wasn't that supposed to be a big no-no? Besides, could I justify leaving my sister behind if I wasn't attending the school I'd always dreamed of?
In a perfect world, yes.
Or what if she never let me back in? What if another year passed and she was still shutting me out of her life completely? Would I really give up Jasper just to be shunned here in Forks? No, I didn't think I could do that.
If it were up to me, I would follow Jasper anywhere.
I didn't want to go making any promises I couldn't keep, though, so I did my best to lighten things up with a teasing smile. "Wouldn't that kind of be stealing your thunder, though?"
He grinned back – the first actual smile of the night – and looked directly into my eyes. "You're part of my thunder, Edward."
And I sure as hell wanted to be. God, it sounded so good. Being with him, staying with him, having everything I wanted and not having to worry about Ali.
But that scenario was dependent on so many 'if's. How was I supposed to plan so far in advance?
"I don't know," I said, and his smile fell. "How will I know she'll be okay?"
"Charlie would take good care of her. He already does. Or," he added, probably sensing my hesitation, "Mom and Dad could… adopt her."
The Cullens? Would Alice want to be a Cullen? Probably not, I decided, but if the state rejected both me and Charlie, surely they wouldn't turn down the Cullens. They were perfect parents. Plus, weren't judges supposed to try to keep families together? And I was already part of the Cullen family, kind of.
Sliding my hands up his arms, I pulled myself down to Jasper and hugged him tightly, pressing my face into the crook of his neck. "I thought I could do it alone, but…"
"I know," he said, "it's been a tough month for you. Things are starting to slip through the cracks."
I leaned back so I could just barely see his face, curious.
"I think there's a lot of details to this Alice situation you haven't really considered, yet. Plus, it's November and you haven't even decided where you're applying to college," he explained. "You haven't started a single application, which is entirely unlike you. I know you haven't gotten your two hundred dash time back yet, and you've forgotten your homework on my desk at least five times."
I pulled back farther, confused. All of those things were true, except the last one. "I always have my homework at school."
He smiled sweetly, in an accepting way. "I know," he said softly.
When I realized what he'd been doing for me, I pulled myself against him and whispered, "Thanks."
In response, he shifted his hands to my hips and gently slid me off his desk, directly into his lap. He kicked his feet against the ground and pushed his rolly-chair out of the view from the partially open door.
I held on to his shoulders lap while we moved. Even though I wanted to bask in this tender moment with Jas, it was now abundantly clear that my life was too interwoven with his to let him slip away next year.
The anxiety of losing him quickly returned, which just encouraged the anxiety over having potentially already lost Ali, especially now that she seemed to hate the idea of my being with Jasper.
I'd thought I was done with this emotional rollercoaster for the night but, apparently, I was wrong.
In was somewhere in the middle of those musings that I felt the brief vibration of my phone in my pocket, which nearly startled me off Jasper's lap. Placing a foot on the floor, I fished it from my pocket awkwardly to find a text from Alice.
Sue will take us to school, don't bother coming by.
I sighed and turned the phone so Jas could read it. He nodded, sighing along with me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he whispered into my ear
But I didn't. I felt like I had talked myself into exhaustion, and now I just wanted to rest, so I shook my head and rested it on his shoulder.
He moved one hand up to the back of my neck, stroking his thumb along my hairline in a gesture that worked wonders against my nerves.
It seemed a little ridiculous that I had come in here to apologize to Jasper and he had ended up comforting me but, still, I was grateful.
After a few moments of comfortable silence, Jas huffed aloud. "What an awful day."
I groaned, pressing my chest tighter against his. "No kidding."
"How 'bout tomorrow after track," he said, in a lighter and suggestive tone, "we get out of here. Go to Port Angeles, and forget all about Forks. We can be together, alone."
"The guys will want to do pizza after the meet," I said, knowing we had already skipped out on that particular ritual too many times. "How 'bout Saturday? We can go all day"
"Sure," he said lazily. "Hey, Edward?"
"Yeah?"
"Let me take you on a date." It was obvious from his voice that he was smiling.
A real date, a first date. It sounded exciting, more so because it would be with Jas. I guess it was a little ridiculous that I had already felt him naked but we hadn't been on a date, but I was still excited at the prospect of going out like any other couple would. It made me feel lucky and, well, mature.
Deciding that I felt a little too much like a child curled up on his lap, I sat up and resituated myself so I was straddling him. Our faces were so close they were nearly touching, as were… other parts of our bodies. Raising one eyebrow at him, I asked, "And how are you going to take me on a date, mister, if I'm the one driving?"
"Oh, please," he scoffed playfully. "Your clunker barely makes it to school. I'll get Mom to let me borrow the Mercedes." Then he kissed me, a quick peck on the lips that I insisted on lengthening into full-on tongue massage. Finally, he pulled away and added, a little breathless, "Maybe we can dress up a little. Like, good jeans and a nice shirt."
"Yeah?" I asked, not entirely opposed to this idea. "Will you wear the blue sweater?" Not only did it cling to him in ways that reminded me how nice it would be to take that sweater off, but it made his eyes just… frickin… pop. I could spend hours upon hours in a car with those eyes.
He chuckled at me and, even though I think he was laughing to hide a smirk, I laughed along. I pressed myself against him, reveling in the feel of all the body parts we had touching. I was eager to begin my favorite part of the night and forget about the emotional disaster that was our evening. After that whole mess, I was especially thankful to have him happily in my arms, and kissed him senseless to tell him so.
Somewhere in the middle of the kissing I moved my mouth to his ear, apologizing again for being such an asshole today, but he just nodded and continued kissing me.
Eventually he claimed that we had homework to do, which was true. I finished it diligently, working away the hours until we could climb into bed together and continue where we'd left off.
Happy New Year to everyone - I hope the holiday season treated you all well.
A very loud thank you to Elvelethril, my wonderful beta.
And more thanks to all you reviewers - you brighten my day immeasurably.