XIII

"And then they all died."

"Shut up! That's not what happened!"

"Yeah! That ain't nice!"

"Steve, who's the DM?"

"The dice."

"Ha. Ha."

"Don't be a jerkface! Be nice to Immy!"

"'S what every DM's notes say."

"Have you been looking over my board again?"

"Hah."

"But – no! You can't say that! What'd poor Immy ever do to deserve that?"

"Shouldn't have taken the torches scouting, kids."

"Why didn't you say something!"

"Eh. Didn't think of it."

"But Immy's dying!"

"'For Tempest's Shield!'"

"Vhalyn sneak attacks them. In the eye."

"What about my potions?!"

"In your pocket, or belt."

"Immy can still reach it?"

"Roll a d4."

"Huh?"

"This is 3.5, stupid. ADnD's poison deals damage. 3.5 just hurts your attributes. Can't you read?"

"Oh. So Immy's not dying?"

"No. She's just down by 7HP."

"…It still isn't nice!"

"And down 3 Str."

"Poor Immy. I feel so bad for her now."

"Heh."

"Stupid, 'Mutton mongering…'"

"Happens."

"And shut up Jamie!"

"What'd I do?!"

"I can too read!"

–

"So as Immy lies bleeding out on the floor–"

"No! She reaches for her potion, see. It's right there. Healing potion!"

"Bet she crushed it when she fell."

"Shut up, Jamie!"

"She didn't."

"Aw. Ow–!"

"Yeah, you'd better run! Stupid no good jerkface…"

"Heh."

"Roll please."

"There. Sneak attack."

"Okay, Vhalyn stabs – how many? One. Kobold in the eye. It dies screaming."

"It sprays everywhere, right? Koboldy chunks?"

"Ew! You're gross."

"Stop hitting me!"

"Stop being horrid!"

"Dynaheir casts Flame Blade."

"That's a cleric spell."

"Yeah. Dynaheir is a Witch. That's like a mage-druid. So she studied how to make a fire sword. See, it's on her sheet. You okayed it."

"Was I in the kitchen at the time?"

"Might've been. Don't remember."

"You called and I said 'okay, just a minute', didn't I?"

"Eh."

"Fine."

"And cure light wounds."

"What? No!"

"She's a witch. Envo-necro and planty-stuff. Fireball, Flame Blade, Cure Light Wounds, Entangle. See? Druid and arcane list, Sorc spells known plus int mod. No familiar. It's on her sheet. You put down 'delay poison', remember?"

"Huh."

"Lemme see. Hey, why'd you get a custom class?"

"'Cause Dyna's a know-it-all, Rach. 'Sides, don't you want to learn Dyna's spells?"

"Oooh. Didn't think of that."

"Great…"

"Vhalyn attacks."

"It's not your turn, dumbnuts."

"Hey, enough arguing. Okay, six kobolds–"

"Six? There were only four!"

"Two more appear from behind a rock."

"See what you did? Can't keep your mouth shut!"

"Heh."

"Hey, how come you're casting 'Flame Blade'? Won't that light up like a torch?"

"Branwen's moving in front of her, and she's got a shield, Rach. Trust me."

"Make her heal Immy?"

"You already used your potion, Rachel. Immy's stabilised and – roll – okay, full health. But you're on 6 str, for now."

"Aw."

"You get to make a fort check next turn."

"C'mon! I want to kill kobolds!"

"All right. Ah."

"Ah? What happened?"

"Vhalyn loses 12 HP."

"What?! No way!"

"Sorry Jamie. Three kobold arrows strike Vhalyn in succession."

"This blows."

"Suck it up kid; you're still got… heh. A bit of health left."

"Stupid kobold archers…"

"Least they've not got crossbows. Hey, can Immy shoot the nasty stinky lizards?"

"Next turn. Okay, let's see. What does Branwen–"

"For Tempest's Shield!"

"Right. Should've known. Was that even IC, Steve?"

"Did it need to be?"

"Hush, Rachel. Steve?"

"Branwen needs a throwing hammer. She charges the kobolds."

"Okay. Round 2. Jamie?"

"Die motherfu–"

"Sneak attack then?"

"Yeah, that. In the face!"

"If they see it coming, does it still count?"

"Huh. Hadn't thought of that. Shut up Rachel, you're ruining everything!"

"If Immy slips, will it hit Vhalyn?"

"You're supposed to be friends."

"Oh. Yeah. I mean, she wouldn't do it on purpose, but if it did?"

"I hate you! Vhalyn's too cool to be shot by stupid Imoen!"

"Immy's too nice to hurt Vhalyn, even if he is a stupid–"

"Branwen smites with righteous steel!"

"Right. Okay, three kobolds dead, and Immy shoots another one."

"She didn't mean to kill it!"

"Oh for–"

"Chill dude."

"But it's a f'ing kobold!"

"Eh. We need one alive to question."

"Oh. Yeah. Good thinking, Rach. Hey, aren't you gonna tell us how they died?"

"In agony."

"Suck it up, bit–"

"Jamie!"

"Lizards! Suck it up, lizards."

"I can hear you muttering!"

"You're not my mo–"

"Ain't it adorable?"

"Steve…"

"The hammer of smite crushes kobold skull with righteous fury in glorious battle! Another scalekin falls to the might of Tempst! His shield smashes kobold scum into goo! Branwen stamps on green-puss blood face-throat 'til battle is won! For Tempest's–"

"Why, Steve?"

"Roleplay."

"Stop grinning, Jamie! It's disgusting! Green-puss? You're horrid!"

"Branwen will wipe it off her boot later, Rach."

"Stop grinning! It's gross!"

"Any other scouts, DM?"

"…No."

"Sure, could've sworn you had five ambushes–"

"Steve."

"You didn't just get 5?"

"…That was for – you're not meant to be looking!"

"Eh, you're the one sat behind the mirror."

"Sh–"

"Immy goes to the poor, hurt kobold and ties it up and feeds it a potion."

"What the–"

"It's arm's hurt, see? It landed on it when it fell, when Immy's arrow grazed its shoulder. Poor thing. Immy bandages up its mouth so it can't bite when she pulls the arrow free."

"Heh."

"How can an arrow graze and be stuck? Shut up and let me kill it!"

"No! It's Immy's kobold! She found it! Its hers. See, it's all young and lost and hurt? It's his first trip–"

"You can't do this!"

"Who's gonna stop me? Vhalyn? Vhalyn isn't real! Anyway, poor kobold is an orphan now–"

"Vhalyn made him an orphan."

"Shut up. Immy's going to look after him; see, he's barely a um… hatchling? Lizardling. Yeah. He's real young, and is hurt, and now his friends are dead."

"Heh."

"You're crazy! He'll kills us in our sleep!"

"No he won't. Immy can make him her familiar. Then you can't hurt him, and he can carry her books."

"What about your stupid cat?"

"Immy realises that a cat would just get hurt."

"You can't make a kobold your familiar!"

"Says who? Ravens talk. It says so in the book."

"Can she?"

"Up to you, DM."

"I–"

"Please? He's all hurt and lost and alone."

"Fine."

"What?! This is stupid!"

"Heh."

"But. You have to take a feat next turn."

"Okay! Thank you!"

"I'm gonna kill it."

"Then Immy'll kill you."

"No, she won't. Neither of you are killing the other."

"Railroading!"

"Shut up, Jamie. He's right; Vhalyn loves Immy, and Vhalyn wouldn't hurt her. If you hurt Colb, you'll hurt Immy."

"Kolb?"

"Cobalt. Colb. See, his eyes are blue, and his scales have a pretty tint to them. And his claws."

"No way! Kobolds are green, and blue eyes? What the–"

"Well, he's blue, like a duck. And why can't he have blue eyes? At least they're not purple, unlike Vhalyn's."

"Vhalyn has red eyes! Red!"

"Nup. They're purple. See, 'wine'."

"No! That's what Vhalyn drinks! And beer. And whiskey. Vhalyn's eyes are crimson."

"Uh huh."

"Make her stop!"

"You guys did want to finish exploring the mine, right?"

"Oh, yeah. Um, Sendai and Delgod should go on ahead. Immy needs to uh, make sure no more nasty kobolds can come and hurt Colb."

"Oh for–"

"The cave branches off into two. Three. You see the bridge leading to the main isle; it's just above the surface of the water. The other way leads around the edge of the lake, and the final way leads deeper into the caves."

"What's the isle look like?"

"There's a big dome. You can't see into it."

"Huh. That's weird."

"Yeah. Um, think Colb'd be okay if Immy left him there? She'll tie him up so he can't escape. Can, make him sleep? Oh wait, Immy can do that. Sleeeeeep, little Colb. Sweet dreams! There! Immy casts Sleep."

"Do you even have sleep?"

"Yup."

"Well, okay."

"Yeah, her voice is so boring – ow!"

"Branwen readies hammer of smite for Temepst's glory. Dynaheir fireballs the entrance."

"What?! But–"

"Cool!"

"Roll please. Damn. Okay. You uh."

"Got you, you ba– jerks. How much'd I get?"

"…All of them."

"Hah!"

"Go Steve! Go Steve!"

"Stupid Dynaheir…"

"S'how many?"

"Fifteen."

"Let's go inside, kids."