Omg, I actually managed to write out this chapter! I've suddenly got the inspiration to do this; I wanna make people laugh until their voices are hoarse with laughter, until their sides crack, until their stomach hurts like hell, and god knows what else! …Well, that's if they find it funny in the first place though. –sweatdrops- Anyways, I'm really, really, really, really sorry for the damn long update; don't bazooka me! XD
Chapter 14: Day 3, Afternoon Time Part 2!
"Hey Florina? Where you goin'?"
"Oh! M… Matthew!"
Florina gave a start when bald-headed Matthew with his big chunk of rusty armor almost practically scared her out of her wits from behind; she almost lost her balance on her feet, but luckily she didn't fall. But then again, it's not like it doesn't happen when each and every one of the male species confronts her anyway, so maybe you'd like to make a mental note that she probably wouldn't be able to live long with light heart attacks coming so very often. But then again, who cares about that…
"Wu did you pink it kwas? Of cos ish me lar, de wone n onwy shuper-dupa kewl Mattay-chan wif da wewy irrijistable shiny bowd 'air!"
Again, Florina got another shock when the thief in front of her suddenly changed into the 'Mattay-chan' that we all know. She frowned slightly in her efforts to understand what in the world he was saying. "What… oh, I… I think I understand. I just…"
"Of cos you wandastend! I walways and walways spik da simplash language, rite Plowina!" he beamed.
"Uh… well, it's Flo…"
"And you still haven't answered my first question." Turning back into the 'real' Matthew in a split second, he grinned at her as he stood mockingly, speaking loudly so that her tiny ears could hear him among the noisy crowd of the Eliwood Elite's members. Most of them were lazying around in the big, airy common room in the huge Ositia Castle since there wasn't anything much to do; some of them were chatting non-stop about the huge 'CRASH' (still remember about that?) a few hours ago around the big table laid there, while others were practically gloating over each other, making bets, being romantic… well, you know the trend.
"Uh… um… well, I'm… uh…"
"Yeah?"
"I'm… going to… to…"
"Oh, come on! Just spit it out, girl!"
"To… to the… um, well… the in…"
"Yes?"
Suddenly, Florina screamed, attracting everyone's attention in the room. "Ahhhh, I'm going to the infirmary, damn it! That's it! I'm tired of playing this stupid role as the quiet girl; I wanted a good and popular role in the first place, and yet Nintendo had the guts to force me to act like this! The so quiet, timid and shy little girl from Ilia, scared to the extreme by the male species! Pah, nonsense! I bet I'd be able to kick all of you men's asses just as easy as anyone of you if only Nintendo didn't mess with me! Ohhhhhh, they are so going to get it when I find the portal to go to the real world, I tell you! So yeah, I'm going to the infirmary, got a problem with that, huh?"
Everyone in the room stared at her. Wide-eyed, the thief carefully backed away from the fuming lavender-haired girl, suddenly feeling scared of her sudden change in demeanor. "Uh… no, no problem with that, Florina."
Looking puzzled by Florina's sudden attitude problem, a pink-haired cleric given the name of Serra and label of 'the pink-haired she-devil' rose from her chair. "Florina? Are you okay?"
A devilish smile formed on the girl's face, something that creeped everyone out. Seeing that kind of smile was like waiting for the rain to come in a desert, literally. "Oh, of course, dear Serra! Thanks for asking; in fact, I've never felt better before! All those tension and stress trying to fit into the character I was given to be is gone! Gone, gone, GONE, I tell you! HELL YES!" She shook a fist into the air.
By now, everyone in the room was out of their chairs (if they were sitting before she blew off) and crowding at the corners of the room, kinda fearing this new Florina. Yes, even people like Bartre, Karel and Vaida. "She's scaring the hell out of me…" Vaida whispered, and her statement was rewarded many shaky nods by everyone else except Florina herself.
"Is she mad?" Harken whispered.
"No, maybe she's just too worried about Lord Hector." Heath joked lamely, trying to regain his own stoic composure.
"I seriously doubt that; she's insane. I think we'll need to call emergency…" said Wil as he clutched a scared Rebecca, who was clinging to his shirt like she wanted to yank and tear it off, if you know what I mean.
"And don't forget that we're 'emergency', Wil. No psychiatrist here, you know." Lucius slowly declined his idea as he shielded a terrified Nino behind him.
"Maybe this child just needs some rest." Louise offered a suggestion as she stared at the brazen girl, looking malicious and loud all of a sudden.
"Impossible… the girl that I met in Scenario I-forgot-which-one-but-I-think-it-was-7 wasn't like that!" Wallace exclaimed heavily. "Why, she screamed like the sky was falling down when I was only a mile away from her!"
"By lord… what happened to Florina?" Eliwood asked, trying his best to shield a shocked Ninian. Yes, you heard it; Eliwood was back in the group with Ninian; well, more rather he forced himself way back into the group like nothing happened, which of course made everyone smirked at the recent event during breakfast. If there was one thing that Eliwood was good at, it was having extremely thick skin. VERY thick skin.
"I can't believe it… I—I—Florina wasn't like this!" Ninian stammered out.
"Bartre head hurts many…"
"Hey, Fiora, don't you have a comment about your sister?"
"…" One look at Fiora and everyone understood that no words were needed to describe how she felt.
"Can this be a side-effect of the potion that Sain administered to her?" Canas wondered.
"No, I… I don't think so." Nino declined the idea carefully, drawing everyone's attention to her. "You see, Florina and I talked about the drink on that night, and she said that she didn't dare to drink it when Sain offered it to her. She thought that it was an alcoholic drink."
"No, that's not right. That's not what she told me." Fiora cut in. "Two days ago, I had a talk with Florina about the party too, and how fun it was. And… if I'm not mistaken, she did mention something about taking a sip from some drink and that she liked it." She paused, frowning. "But could it be that certain drink mixed with the potion?"
"Well, why don't we just ask old lady Hannah about it later on? It might have side-effects…" Matthew offered helpfully.
"No go for that, buddy. I already tried looking for her earlier on, but she seems to have disappeared out of thin air. Don't ask me. Maybe she forgot about her 'date' with Lord Hector that Sain promised," Legault smirked.
Suddenly Florina lowered her fist and grinned at them, making all of them shudder again. "What's that you say? You talkin' about the drink on the party night? If yes, then hell yeah, I did take a sip of it. It rocked, man! Didn't you girls think so too?"
"Perhaps it does create a side-effect on that girl." Pent concluded.
"That girl is utterly mad…" Karla whispered.
"Asking for a death challenge, I think," Karel smirked confidently, his hand itching to reach for his sword sheathed in the scabbard.
"Now what's that again? Oh come on, I really can't hear you, ya know. Can't you guys speak louder? You know, something like—" Florina paused and took a deep, deep breath. Those who realized what amazing catastrophe was coming quickly shut their ears with their fingers, while some smarter ones quickly put cotton wool to use (which the author conveniently provided with an evil grin).
"'HEY THERE YOU EVIL-LOOKIN BADASS, I'M FEELIN DAMN GOOD TODAY, OH HELL YEAH BABY!'"
For those that didn't try to cover their ears, the author expresses her deepest sympathy at once. She conveys her extreme regrets, but says that if any of them want to resign their job and leave the fic before they suffer anymore further, they will first have to go through fifty ordeals of Florina's new 'style' for 24 hours straight. Of course, nobody responded after hearing that.
Well anyways, due to the EXTREMELY loud and shrill sound waves, one whole part of the wall that Florina was facing suddenly crashed down and crumbled into pieces as the cement cracked. Of course, if such a strong thing as a cement wall could fall down under a girl's voice, you don't really expect everyone not to get blown off and fly out from the castle through the 'newly-done exit', do you? So of course everyone went screaming like hell, and all of them plummeted onto bushes and beds of flowers as they landed on the garden heavily. Nope, they sure don't get any peace.
Crumble, crumble, went the old wall,
Bang, boom, ping, pang, whatever you call;
Too bad it couldn't sustain the big toll,
Maybe it shouldn't have underestimated the meek doll.
"Hee hee hee, I never knew my voice was so strong! Yeah, DON'T MESS WITH ME, YA HEAR ME, NINTENDO? You –beep!-, -beep!-, organization!"
Suddenly, a gust of wind blew, and yes, the author materializes after so long, with a positively death glare. "Hey Florina, that's enough with your words! You're just lucky that the beeper was switched on in time, you know? You trying to make my fic rating higher thanks to your coarse language or what? Cursing Nintendo, too!"
"Hey, no one orders me like that anymore! I quit being that kind of meek Florina!" The former PegKnight glared back. "Besides, I'm not a DOLL! How dare you refer to me as a 'meek doll' in that stupid verse? I saw it!"
"Oh, of course I dare! And how dare you insult my creation!" A laptop suddenly appeared on her hands. "Haven't I taught all of you enough? Guess I'll have to do it again… alrighty, lesson number one: BEWARE of the author's powers; you never know when you'll get blasted off into pieces just by typing 'Florina was killed' into the laptop! Next, lesson number two: just accept your role quietly, or you might find yourself in a deep, deep pit. Aha, that sounds very nice, don't you think so?"
"Uh…"
"So, still wanna try me?"
"…No, ma'am!"
"Good. Now, stop that kind of coarse language."
"Roger that, ma'am!"
"Oh, and Florina?"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"For your information, Hector isn't at the infirmary, he's back in his bedroom."
"Thank you—hey wait! What—"
"Heh, you think I wouldn't know?"
"Hee hee… I'm dead… do I have the angel circle above my head? Or nice, white wings?"
"Hey… are we in Heaven or Hell?"
"Neither, I think! Maybe we're in Fantasyland, or maybe Wonderland!"
"Oh, you mean like Alice in Wonderland, Matthew?"
"Hmm… perhaps, but no Alice here though… the FE in Horrorland! Hey, sounds cool!"
"No, you're all terribly wrong! This could only be the one and only… greatest Disneyland! With those Disney characters and games to play!"
"…"
"…"
"…Are you alright, Lucius? Got a mental blow or something? How old are you?"
"Um… eheheh… er, five years old? …No, maybe two?"
"I think we've all gone crazy…"
"Maybe we should stay here until tomorrow… then everything will become normal again. Thank god only less than 24 hours to go."
"Wrong; nothing's ever normal with us, don't you think so? We're all abnormal… hee hee hee!"
"…You mean YOU are."
To continue the story…
"Alright, since there are quite some punishments that we can think of for our victim, let's hear all of it first and then decide, okay?"
Yes, once again to the famous Sain-hunters! Where were they, you ask? Well, to answer that question, all seven hunters and their 'victim' also included were in a secluded spot, in the middle of a small clearing between tall, gloomy trees, making the surroundings quite dark. So secluded that they weren't bothered by the crash that Florina caused earlier on as we know. Naturally, as the seven of them (namely Lyn, Rath, Kent, Raven, Jaffar, Erk, and Guy) were discussing the whole troublesome matter in a circle, they had secured our dear infamous star, Sain, around a large tree in a standing position, hands, legs and all to the tree, with an extremely long rope so tightly that the poor guy could almost feel the rope biting into his skin. No doubt Lyn had taken every single measure to make sure he didn't leave her eye for a second. Mwahaha.
Of course, the desolated guy was pretty out of his wits; he couldn't talk since Erk had nicely stuffed a hanky (fortunately clean enough) into his mouth, he couldn't even move his big thumb toes 'cause they actually got bunions, he could hardly feel his fingers as they felt so numb, and hell, his skin ached so badly that for one moment he almost felt that fighting against the three-headed Cerberus in Hades wasn't as hard as to what he was experiencing right now. Not to say he could hear every single word of the punishments that the group was talking about… goosebumps were almost every second there.
As the unofficial head, Lyn looked around and saw nods of agreement to her previous suggestion. "Okay then, so let's start with… Rath! What's your ideal punishment?"
Rath looked at everyone in the group carefully, then he spoke quietly. "Roast him over a fire until his body cannot take it anymore. It is our traditional punishment in our tribe of Kutolah to such a kind of impure man." (1)
Sain's eyebrow twitched. Me over the hottest fire… He pictured a bloody, gruesome image of himself being tied up and curled around a large stick, held over the biggest pots of fire as he got roasted like a piece of barbecue meat, ready to be sliced and eaten after he was fully roasted and dead. He cringed immediately.
"Wow…" Guy mused with wonder, half-amused by the suggestion.
"Not too bad, not too bad…" Lyn remarked with a cackle, making everyone stare at her warily.
"And I suppose he'll be eaten after roasted?" Kent inquired.
Everyone in the group (yes, including Lyn herself) shuddered. Rath, on the other hand, shook his head vigorously, apparently horrified with the idea. "No, of course not! We do not believe in death by 'roasting'; we believe in proud and dangerous real-time combat deaths, arrows through the heart."
"Er… anyway, next! Guy?"
"Uh… er, how about exposing him to thousands of bees for three days?"
"Well well… where did you get that idea from?" Erk inquired.
Here Guy scratched his head absently, then he half-grinned while pointing a finger to a big beehive hanging on the very same tree that Sain was tied to. Immediately Sain tensed as he realized that he was actually so near those killer bees.
"Hey, I didn't know there was a beehive there!" Lyn exclaimed innocently, but with a glint in her eyes as she smirked evilly. "Sooo sorry, Sain."
"Let's get on with it." Raven interrupted impatiently, obviously eager to discuss his own idea. "I say we cut that damn tongue of his, so that he'll forever shut up."
"…But that is maybe a tad too hurtful, Raven. Losing one's tongue is what we, knights, call a disaster, an act of not appreciating what we have been granted with!" Kent declined almost reproachfully, only to be rewarded a deathly glare by the former. A few nods followed.
"Fine, I'll change; then I say we let him surrounded by a hundred of wild chickens naked!"
Everyone's jaw immediately dropped open, and if Sain's jaw could do the same, it would probably reach the floor in the most unrealistic way you could ever imagine. Me? Surrounded by wild chickens? NAKED! Blasphemy! No way would I be able to face the world with my withered pride!
"Uh… okaaayy…" Guy stuttered.
"Hey guys, you know, I think it's not a bad idea. I once knew this foreign guy who had a phobia of chickens because he got bitten by so many of them until his skin went all black, if you know what I mean. Anyone could just threaten him with a chicken and he'd bow down." Lyn smirked evilly.
"Lady Lyndis!" Kent reprimanded the Sacaen severely.
"Oh pleaseee… don't say any more, I'm getting all freaked out." Erk shuddered.
"Fine. Well then, what do you suggest, Kent?" Lyn asked.
Suddenly Kent grinned evilly, transforming his usually 'angelic' face. "I say we send him to Master Wallace for one full year of training."
Sain gulped, sweat trickling down his head. Five hundred push-ups per morning nonstop, five hundred sit-ups per afternoon nonstop, fifty complete rounds of running around the whole Caelin castle per evening nonstop, and sparring with Master Wallace three times per night, AND not to say that every single exercise had time limits and heavy punishments if exceeding the time limit! His training with that bald-headed podgy guy was only a month, and he already felt like dying after a week! What more to say for ONE YEAR? "Ogggp!" he tried screaming with the hanky still in his mouth. Unfortunately, no one paid attention to him, so it really was too bad.
"Hey, pretty good idea, Kent! Now, let's see… Jaffar?"
The assassin who was silent the whole time finally spoke, his voice low and raspy. "Stick a hundred knives into his body and pin him to a wall with shackled chains forever until his body rots into dust."
Everyone's mouth dropped open. The creative imaginary of assassins who see so much. After thinking deeply, Kent reprimanded reproachfully again. "As much as Sain deserves punishments, there isn't any need to go that far, Jaffar."
"Ugh, that sounds so gruesome and sick!" Erk exclaimed, his face showing a 'Yuck!' expression. "Even the author wouldn't allow that!"
My god… thank Kent and Erk for that! At least Erk is kinder than those barbaric assassins… Sain sighed in relief, making a mental note to 'thank' Kent and Erk after he was free from those bonds and punishment, if he ever survived them.
"You know, I don't find anything wrong with that…" Lyn looked around innocently. Everyone except Jaffar just sighed.
"Anyway, what's your suggestion, Erk?"
Erk grinned. "I think I've got the perfect idea. How 'bout dumping him in the biggest sumo house to stay with those Sumo men for three months? You know, those huge people that we once saw in the author's TV?"
Sain's eye pupils went big, big, big. What… no way! I wouldn't be able to stand being there even a day, looking at those ugly-looking, detestable men! Why, they don't even have any shapes, lest their huge stomachs and big feeding! And I hear that there aren't any women there… Ugh! How my eyes shall be dilated, destroyed and impure by the sight of those people! It's even worse than taking Jaffar's punishment! I take back about what I say about Erk… he's the worst thinker alive, taking away my life! At least give me some pity! What I did wasn't a crime! …Well, maybe it is in a way… but it isn't really! …Well, yes, as you see, Sain is getting rather hyper. Too bad he won't see men dressing like pretty women at the sumo ranges though. Nyak nyak nyak.
Lyn immediately pounced on Erk's words. "Hey, that's a damn great idea, Erk! It's the most suitable punishment to give, considering how much he loves seeing women!" She laughed hysterically. "God, how I'd love to see him among those people!"
"Wow… I never thought of that idea…" Guy wondered. Everyone else (yes, including Raven and stoic Jaffar) nodded his heads in pleasure.
"But what is your idea, Lady Lyndis?" Kent asked with a chuckle.
"Well, you know, on a mad impulse I was thinking along the same line as Jaffar…" Everyone in the group looked at her scarily.
"But I guess that's way off the line. So how about… er, the Chinese Water Torture?" Lyn continued. (2)
Chinese Water Torture? Sounds like Chinese Water Culture… right, it ain't funny. Sain mused dryly.
"What Chinese Water Torture?" Raven and Jaffar demanded incredulously at the same time.
"I dunno!" Lyn countered confusedly. "Something about a single drop at a time, and each drop more menacing than the last—"
Before she could say anything more, another interruption followed. And lo and behold, the author suddenly materialized again in front of Lyn with a paper fan! "Hey! Don't copy what other people say! You're just saying out the same lines as Draknal did! Can't you at least be more original?" And with that, she disappeared again. Touch and go.
"What…" Rath asked bewildered.
"Who's Draknal? And what do you mean by a single drop at a time? You mean dripping water at Sain? What's so special with that?" Guy asked.
"I tell you, I don't know! I just heard about it from this person with the name Draknal who reviewed for this fic! You know, in this frowned in his tied-up position. Fanfiction? Now where did I hear that before… did it have something to do with girls?
A group of girls behind the scenes jumped excitedly while carrying a large banner with the words 'WE (insert heart shape) SAIN-SAMA' in crayon. Lol, crayon… and you'd think it would at least be a marker or something.
"Fic? What's all that crap?" Erk prodded further, his eyebrow cocked.
"That's not crap! In fact, though we don't realize it, we're actually being… how do I explain it? We're actually being… er, sort of 'publicized' for everyone all over the net to read and laugh on in the author's world! And this place that we're in now is called don't talk nonsense. You're wasting everyone's time." Raven snorted.
"Lady Lyndis, are you all right?" Kent asked concernedly.
Yeah, maybe she's already psycho…
"Yes, I'm fine, Kent," Lyn snapped, feeling irritated. "Don't you guys see?"
Erk coughed politely. "I'm afraid I don't see whatever you want us to see, Lady Lyndis. After all, we're not in this Finfaction—"
"Ahem, Fanfaction, not Finfaction, Erk." Rath intervened politely, modestly correcting Erk's mistake.
"No, Rath; it's Fanfiction!" THIS time, Lyn corrected Rath's mistake gruffly, tapping her foot in an angry manner.
But unfortunately, the red-haired mercenary didn't share their views on the insistency of the spelling and pronunciation. "Bah, who cares about this Finfiction damn thing? Can't we just get it going?" he snapped angrily, his eyes blazing. Jaffar who was sitting beside him only gave an impatient nod with a glare at the other five.
Sain almost laughed. Impatient, aren't those two? No governess would have wanted to nurse them.
Lyn stamped her foot impatiently with anger. "Oh, for the last time, you are all WRONG! It isn't Finfaction, Fanfaction, and neither is it Finfiction or whatever other stupid name, but FANFICTION, dammit! FAN and FICTION!"
Aha! At least I got it right; I thought it was Fanfiction the whole way long! …Wait a minute, why am I joining them? I'm supposed to be struggling to free myself of these bonds and try to yell out to attract attention! …Eww… reminds me too much of those damsels-in-distress; it should be the other way around, and not me being the pitiful 'damsel'. I'm a guy!
Erk rolled his eyes; everyone seemed to be quite on edge, he thought. Especially that fuming Sacae woman… calling her the she-demon when he first joined Lyndis' Legion in their travels to defeat that old bald Lundgren was not THAT far from the truth really, he mused dryly. "Oh fine, then! Anyway, as I was saying, we're not in that place; we're in the world of Elibe! Is that not true?"
"Yeah, as much as I know that you won't ever lie, Lady Lyndis, I find it hard to believe too…" Guy scratched his forehead again, feeling puzzled at the female's raging behavior.
"Is it a touch of the sun on you, Lady Lyndis?" Kent asked again.
"Argghh! For the last time, I'm FINE, Kent! For your information, I'm not crazy, nor am I lunatic or out of my mind!" Lyn almost screamed out loud as she ferociously scratched her long teal hair. "Why don't you guys ask the author yourself then if you don't believe what I'm saying?"
The author in the background looked around innocently. "Hmm? What's that you say, Lyn? I can't hear you… la la la la… heheheh."
Heh, heh. Watching these comrades of mine is like watching a parodied movie, way better than a cinema since it's a live show! …Hey wait, do we have any cinemas in Elibe? Nope, don't think so… must be the infection of the author's mind getting to me. Sigh…
Lyn shook her head exasperatedly. "Ah, forget it! I meant nothing, okay? Nothing at all! Geez, you guys are all, like, so persistent!"
"Fine… whatever. We'll drop that subject then." The anima mage gave up, shrugging his shoulders.
"So back to the topic; what punishment will we deal Sain?" Kent asked after a short silence.
Ah, finally… the verdict. The verdict that will announce the upcoming arrival of my suffering. …Lol, I sound so gothic and all that… hey! Where did the word 'lol' come from? …Must be from the author again. Sigh…
"It's kinda hard to choose I guess…"
"Well, let's see…" Erk piped up, taking charge of the situation. "We have the options of cutting his tongue, roasting him over a fire, exposing him to killer bees, torturing him with Wallace's training, killing him slowly, the 'Chinese Water Torture' whatever-it-is, and exposing him to sumo guys." He paused for a breath. "So which one do we take?"
Hmm… gross, all of them are terrible beyond words! How can a man like I, the so gentleman Sain, be able to sustain the fears worse than death? I wonder…
"Bah! Why are you dolts making a mountain out of a molehill? We could have just resolved all this rigmarole a long time ago! Just kill him or something if it's so hard to come to a decision then!" Raven burst out, no longer able to sustain the wait anymore, as such was his nature.
And then, to everyone's astonishment, the black-clad assassin suddenly spoke quietly but eerily, demanding attention. "Why don't we give him a dose of everything except that water torture thing?"
A deep silence. Only Raven's loud and deep voice penetrated that eerie silence. "See! What did I tell you? So easy to come to a conclusion!"
Another silence.
"…You know, Jaffar's idea does sound quite good."
"Yeah, not bad. I mean, everyone's suggestion will be in, right? All's fair."
"Very well, as long as he is punished by the order of the Kutolah."
Well, you know, I never did believe in cursing as how Lord Hector did, but I think I do now. At least, at this moment...
"Perhaps a little too much torture, but a man has to face up his own wrongdoings, I gather. Lady Lyndis?"
"Well, I don't know about you people, but I say YES!"
Holy shit! I'm gonna get blasted into pits worse than those of Hell!
"So what do you people say? In this order: first, a week with the biggest beehive ever in store in Elibe, then a whole year of training with Master Wallace, followed by 48 hours of chicken feeding bonded with shackles, a lovely time with sumo for another three months, and finally roasting him!"
"YEAH!" All seven agreed in unison evilly.
Oh god… Saint Elimine, or Roland, or even Bramimond or anyone, if you have even the slightest sympathy for this human, help me!
X x -Meanwhile, a short time in Heaven…- x X
"Hey Elimine, did you hear that?"
"Wow, these magazines about those guy models are so damn hot! Look at those six-pack bodies and muscles, man! Maybe I should really consider stealing more from the shops—what?" Lying on a comfortable clump of clouds with November 2005's monthly magazine, Elimine looked suspiciously at her companion beside her.
Roland smirked as he stretched out his body in his own gathering of clouds. "Heh, I didn't know you were interested in guys… didn't you learn to be pure and all that stuff as a Saint?"
"Hey, I need to get a life too, you know! It was so damn boring! Ah yes, anyway, back to your question. You asked me whether I heard something, right? You mean a chicken quacking, Roland? I thought I did hear a faint sound…"
"Excuse me Elimine, but chickens don't quack. Ducks quack, chickens don't quack."
"Ah, who cares about that, Bramimond? …But wait a minute, was it a chicken, or a humanly squeak?"
"I dunno either… maybe it was that Sain guy pleading us for help, you know."
"Who on earth's Sain? Some hot dude?"
"Elimine, Elimine…" Both Roland and Bramimond burst into peals of laughter. "Well, I dunno about hot, but I peeped down yesterday into Elibe, and I found that this Sain guy was going to get punished for trying to do something with the females in their group!"
"W… WHAAAAT!"
"Uh oh, calm down, Elimine… it's not like he molested them or something!"
"WHO CARES whether he did or not? What if he did!" Elimine paused, taking a deep breath to calm herself down. "WELL, if that WAS him asking for help, you tell him, he'd have a better chance asking the devil himself for help rather than referring to ME! And you both are NOT to help him either, get it, Roland, Bramimond? I forbid you to! And if he did molest them or do something terrible, mark my words, I'm going to make it more than sure that he dies the most horrible and terrible way ever known in history!"
"Uh… yes, ma'am." Both males chorused.
"Good. Let him suffer for all he's worth!"
"…And you were considered the purest of all women, a Saint…?"
"…Oh shut yer trap, Bramimond."
"Fine."
"…Elimine?"
"…Yeah, Roland?"
"Speaking of that magazine you're reading, aren't I hot enough for you to look at rather than those fake modeling guys?"
"…Screw you, Roland."
"Hey, go ahead. My utmost pleasure."
"…Ugh, you and your sick mind. Go and screw some other girl; I'm off."
"Hey, wait, don't go away yet, Elimine! …Damn."
"Why damn? Because she turned you down?"
"Nope, Bramimond. Damn because at least she could have told me where I can get those type of sister magazines to look for girl hotties…"
"…Same thought here, actually."
Some interruption that was… anyways, back to the story!
"Heheh, how does that sound to you, huh Sain?" Lyn asked evilly, her mouth in a large grin as she faced the cavalier.
"Oooggllppp!" Sain protested as much as he could muster.
"Poor fool… can't even talk reasonably," Raven mocked. "Don't worry, we'll quickly roast you off and feed you to those vultures. Gwahahaha."
Gasping sharply, Lyn stepped forward and interrupted. "Raven! As much as I would like to kill him too, we can't do that," she said while groaning. "We've been through this a few times already in just one day, and you're still harping on it?"
"Yes, I am, and I still don't get what the hell is preventing us from killing him!"
Lyn sighed; Erk sighed; Guy sighed; in fact, EVERYONE sighed, well, except for Sain and Jaffar. "We can't do that! For one thing, it's a hundred percent chance that we'll get slaughtered by the author herself personally, and we don't even know what kind of methods can she torture us with! Don't forget; the deal was that we finish this so-called 'fic' with good cooperation without killing anybody!"
"But—"
"No buts, you listen to me first!" Lyn interrupted heavily. "Since Sain will be dead, the author won't be able to this fic, and then we'll be forever trapped in this pathetic story! We--"
Before Lyn could say further, the author suddenly materialized again (what a pattern of events, eh?) and whacked Lyn hard on the head with the paper fan held on her hand. "Hey! What do you mean by 'pathetic story'! Didn't you read the readers' reviews, man?"
To everyone's amazement, matured Lyn tried her best to appear meek in front of the thirteen-year-old author. "Ahh, uh… I'm sorry?"
"You better be. Now, why am I making so many appearances here anyway? First with Florina, then minutes ago, and now again! And you'd better not kill Sain, or I'd get sued and killed by those Sain fanatics out there in the net, you know! I wouldn't care to trifle with those fans, and I'm sure neither of you would!"
Sain's group of fangirls suddenly screamed and cheered behind the scenes. "SAIN-SAMA! WE LOVE YOU!" Sain, on the other hand, tried to feebly wave with his tied hand, which of course failed.
"See? You guys wouldn't want to get killed either, do you?"
"So what? I have my own fans too!" Raven counterattacked. "And I bet they more than outnumber Sain's idiotic fangirls!"
Another cheering followed. "YEAH! RAVEN ROCKS MY SOCKS!"
"NO! SAIN-SAMA IS THE BEST!" Hearing that statement, the cavalier in question tried to look as modest as he could with his awkward position. Raven in turn scowled and glared back, making Sain squirm about his position.
The author sighed. "Look, I'm not here to talk about who's fangirls win who's. Whatever it is, you're not allowed to kill Sain, get it?"
Thank god… I'd hate to die at the end… at least kill me before the whole punishment starts so that I'd miss everything! …Wishful thinking, Sain. How nice if that would just happen.
"Besides, wouldn't it be better to watch him suffer the whole time, and not yet die? Think of it! It's so much better than just killing him; you get to torture him out of his life! But anyways, I gotta go; and remember, no killing, or you all get killed as signed in the contract!" And yes, you've guessed it; she went off in a puff of smoke again, as usual. Sooo convenient, yes.
…God, how conniving these people are. Sain shivered again. The author smirked from the backstage. "Thank you, Sain. That's my job, don't you remember? Making them evil and pick on a prey. And don't ask how I know what you're thinking, I'm the author, right? I control everything! Nyak nyak nyak. Why do I always feel so evil?"
Back at the scene, everyone was silent.
"Um… can someone tell me what just happened?" Guy asked with a confused face.
"No, figure it out yourself, Guy. It's quite simple." Erk shrugged off.
"Oh."
Raven coughed, but immediately turned it into a snort. "…Gah, whatever then!"
"So the majority has spoken, and it's finally decided! My dear Sain, get ready to face your punishment; we'll begin immediately starting tomorrow morning, after informing the rest of the crew. My, aren't you just simply glad to hear that? I am, for a fact!" Lyn chuckled devilishly.
Sain shuddered. No way by hell…
"Lord Hector, your tea!" A feminine voice sounded along with a light metal noise.
Hector, the big-sized clumsy person, was lying down on his fully furnished, comfortable bed, his head still in a swirl from the past events that happened earlier in the afternoon. "Wh… what happened? Why am I here—" he suddenly remembered the dear, quaint little episode with the lovestruck Farina where he had to unwillingly jump out of the bedroom window, and he immediately bolted out of bed in an instant. He looked around him wildly, but only to be rewarded by a searing ache and pain all over his body. Once more he plopped down back into the bed under the warm sheets of blanket and groaned heavily. He noticed that he wasn't in his armor, thank god for that (he didn't think he would be able to stand wearing them), and that bandages covered all over his exposed masculine abdomen.
"Ack… so sore…" For some reason, he felt so groggy; a veil of haze seemed to cover his sight, his ears couldn't seem to function well… God, what the hell…? Sure, I landed down from a big height, but I can't seem to see and hear properly… what the heck?
"Lord Hector! You haven't recovered fully; you mustn't get out of bed yet! Just sit back and lie down, okay?"
Hmm? Who… that voice sounds familiar… not Farina at least, thank god. But where… The blue-haired marquess tried to squint his eyes to adjust his sight more carefully, but all he could see was that he was in his room (due to his room the only room in the castle with blue, blue and blue walls all over and blue furniture), and that there was someone standing at the end of his large bed; female, he gathered from the blurry voice. Must be one of the castle maids bringing something, tea perhaps. He did hear a word that sounded like it after all… Was she holding a dangerously looking big butcher knife in her hand? Or was it just a simple butter knife? He couldn't tell. Was I half-blinded from the damage or something? Crap. "My eyes… so blurry, can't see… body ache…"
"Ache? Your body muscles ache, Lord Hector?" That familiar feminine voice rang again, making Hector frown in his bed. Again, so familiar… God, I can't even think properly! That damn Farina, making me jump the whole way down, as if I wanted suicide on my own will… now what was it that that girl said? Without thinking, aloud he said impatiently, "What are you talking about? My muscles can't say 'ack'! They don't talk in the first place! Do yours?"
"What—oh no, you heard me wrongly, I'm afraid. I just asked whether your body muscles ache or not, Lord Hector."
"Nonsense. You think I can't hear you perfectly, girl? I heard every single word you said. And again I say that only my mouth says 'ack', and not my body muscles!"
"No, no, no, it's isn't that... Are you all right, Lord Hector? You—"
"Of course I'm right. I'm always correct!" Hector interrupted even more impatiently.
The female person whoever it was seemed to get a little flustered too, or so Hector noticed with his blur eyes as she fidgeted around a little nervously. "No! No, I mean I didn't say that. …Is there maybe something wrong with your ear?"
Hector slowly rose up in his bed in a sitting position, leaned on the pillows and frowned angrily at the female. "What do you mean there's something wrong with me being here, huh? This is my bedroom, and I've every privilege and right to be here! Have you gone crazy, woman?"
"I—ah, forget it!" The unknown female burst out. Some manners she got for a maid, Hector thought. Just how did she get qualified to become one with those outspoken bursts in and out… make a note to expel her from her job as soon as I get up properly. But that voice is still nagging me. Someone with that voice… ah, I still can't focus properly!
Dismissing it from his mind with just a shrug like he always did, Hector looked out from the nearby window and noticed the sun beginning to set, making him frown again. "What time is it now?"
"A quarter past four, Lord Hector. You've been out cold for some hours. And speaking of the time, I've brought up your afternoon tea, in case you've forgotten about it."
"Tea?" Hector tried to look for something shiny, and finally he spotted something set down on a table that he assumed was a silver tray that contained his tea meal. He winced as he tried shifting his position, his hand touching the white bandages. "Sounds great and all, but I can't get up properly. Can you help me to tear off these bandages? I can't do them on my own." A thought suddenly struck him. "Who are you anyway? Sorry if it sounds improper, but I can't see too well for now; my sight keeps swirling around. One of the castle maids, I suppose? Katlyn? Or is it Brieanne?"
The female jumped in surprise. "Oh no, no, I'm not a maid. Can't you recognize my voice, Lord Hector? I'm Florina."
Hector almost jumped out of his bed in his eagerness to see the female's face so that he could confirm that unbelievable statement for himself, but unfortunately his beaten condition prevented that. He stared VERY hard at the girl who claimed to be Florina. Hmm… well, now that she said it, she does have purplish hair… but FLORINA? The girl that would run away from me every time I went near her? Gosh, Florina would never speak so naturally with me like this! Am I hallucinating or is she lying? "Is it really you, Florina? You playing a joke or something?"
"Of course not, Lord Hector. Why shouldn't it be me?"
That's it. It MUST be her. I mean, who else has purple locks that knows me and I recognize other than her? "Well…" Hector hesitated. "I dunno, but you don't seem… shy anymore, like how you were last time, you know?" By now, his eyesight was clearing, and true enough, it was the timid lavender-haired girl. I don't think she would change so suddenly overnight… hey wait a minute, not overnight; in fact, less than 24 hours!
Florina smirked, her finger playing with a strand of her hair. "Oh, I understand. You see, Lord Hector, the timid personality that you knew so well was just a fake personality I was forced to adopt when that cursed Nintendo gave me the role of THIS type of Florina to play in the game, that's why I had to change for their sake." Her voice was starting to get louder and faster as more and more built up in her. "And I can't tell you how damn GLAD I am now to be myself again, Lord Hector! It was sooo tiring to let Lyn to kill the bad guys off and protect me when I could just as easily shove my precious lance into their asses and finish them off, but no, I had to stay behind and cower behind her back to play my useless role! SO stupid, don't you think so?" She flung her hands out in a dramatic gesture.
Hector watched the girl with sudden fear at her weird demeanor. "What the hell…? I… I really don't get this Florina… does it have any connections with the potion that Sain concocted?" he muttered under his breath.
"Hmm? Did you say something?"
"Ah no, no, no, nothing. So… " I'm definitely gonna need a lot of time to get used to this Florina… dash it all, man! "Er… oh yeah, so where's that damn she-devil sister of yours?"
"She-devil sister of mine… oh, you mean Farina? My sister is out of the way for the mean time, don't worry, Lord Hector. She's having her own nice time right now in the stables," Florina explained, a grin on her face.
Hector frowned. "…Did you just say stables? Why in Elibe would she be in the stables of all places? Didn't she get hurt when she jumped down along after me? I saw her jumping along from the window just before I blacked out!"
The female giggled. "Well… um, you see, Farina was still in the infirmary an hour ago asleep, but she recovered consciousness pretty fast. So in order to keep her busy and not disturb your rest, Lord Eliwood went to the infirmary to see her on a pretext, and… well, he, um… he…" Surprisingly she seemed reluctant to speak despite her new 'behavior', or so Hector mused wryly.
"What? What did Eliwood do? Come on, I'm waiting! Speak up!" Hector urged on impatiently. Now what did that boy do this time?
Florina took a large breath before sputtering out in one whole sentence, "Well, he found a few 12-pack condoms in your drawer and gave it to Farina, saying that it was yours and that you gave it to her as a precious 'get-well-quickly' present, and then he said that there were more waiting for her in the stables, so off she went, faster than any pegasus you could ever see."
Time seemed to freeze. Well, at least, Hector froze in his sitting position. His hand that was on his chest froze, and his eyes almost bulged out of their sockets. His jaw dropped open, and his legs seemed stuck to the bed.
"…W—WH—WHAT! He… he gave her condoms? My CONDOMS as a goddamn PRESENT? Oh god, you're so damn screwed, ELIWOOD!" He burst out madly, and out of the corner of his eye he noticed the girl had maintained an amused grin on her face due to his reaction, but he didn't care anyway. This was absolutely the last and final straw!
"HOW on earth did he know that I had condoms in the first place! I hid them so well for the past two months! He must have poked through my stuff on one of those days… and I CAN'T BELIEVE he actually GAVE ALL of them away to THAT she-demon! Fine, maybe it does keep her occupied, but why my CONDOMS? Can't Eliwood think of a better option than using my expensive condoms as bait? God! The damn nerve of that nincompoop of a guy! When I'm back to my feet, I'm gonna…" He ranted angrily, but suddenly stopped and turned to the amused girl. "And what next? What else did dear Eliwood do? Gave her a sample of my urine, I suppose?" he mocked.
Florina almost burst out laughing at his idea of a badly attempted humored joke. "Uh… nothing, Lord Hector. That was all. Farina was so happy that she immediately leapt up from her bed and rushed to pick on suitable clothes while singing very gaily. She'll be spending lots of time in the stables, since Lord Eliwood told me that he hid them in very concealed places."
Hector covered his face with his big hands and he moaned and groaned, moaned and groaned, whatever you say. "Oh dear god, what in the world will she be thinking now! She must be thinking that I'm so damn eager to go and make out whatever crap with her and that I'm so damn desperate to have her until I just had to send CONDOMS, of all things, to her as a stupid 'get-well' present, and to hide some more in the stables of all goddamn places for her to dig and find! Gah, I don't even dare to imagine what's going on in her mind right now! AHHHHHHHHH!"
"Um… Lord Hector?"
"What! Can't you see I'm now almost cowering under my feet in fear and anger?" Hector snapped back.
"Well, you wouldn't want the whole castle inhabitants to hear that you've been keeping expensive condoms for two months in hiding and giving them as a present to my sister, do you?" The girl smirked devilishly.
Hector looked at her expressionless for a while, then he threw his hands up in the air exasperatedly. "AHHHHH! That's it! I'm positively DOOMED!"
"I'm sure they've already heard everything they want to know."
"…You don't need to tell me that."
"Just wanted to add more to the fire, that's all, Lord Hector. Didn't you like it?"
"…I definitely liked the old Florina better…"
Wow… it's really been a long, tedious afternoon… just give me three seconds on those comfortable beds in the guestrooms and I bet I can already sleep like a pig. Gosh, I hope Serra won't come and nag at me.
"Erk."
The mage in question jumped in surprise. Looking back, he saw none other than his fellow assassin friend, clamping a hand on his shoulder. The seven Sain-hunters were walking back slowly to the castle (but not after inspecting the crushed wall that Florina broke down and their comrades who were out cold with mystification) to enjoy a cup of coffee and tea after their long discussion. Yes, of course, bringing their lovely prey along. And unfortunately enough, he and Jaffar had the job of carrying their dear Sain who was unconscious, so they were left behind, as the others were longing to have a rest.
"Oh, it's you, Jaffar." He spoke neutrally, but with a slight annoyance in his tone. He still hadn't forgotten that time where Jaffar had tackled him and tied him naked to a tree (refer to chapter 3 if you forgot)… he still remembered the stares and screams from the girls that saw him. And it was so humiliating when a dog actually urinated on his feet! God, he didn't even dare to recall back… he had to say goodbye to his pride on that day. "If it's about settling the score between you and me for Nino, then forget it. I didn't ask the child to be interested in me."
"I know." To Erk's surprise, he seemed quite unsure of his words. Funny. At least he sounds quite ready to talk... "I… I'm asking you to do me a favor."
Erk's reaction was immediate. He almost released his hold on Sain's left arm in his surprise. "What?" He couldn't believe his ears. An assassin like him, asking a favor, from a simple guy like me? What's the world coming to? Avalanche is coming, I think… "A favor, hm? That's very unusual coming from you…"
Jaffar clenched his teeth. Apparently he was having a hard time to bow down and ask politely for once. "Are you going to help me or not?" he asked angrily.
"Hey, I'm just surprised, that's all. What's the big deal? I'm not really good at any stuff other than magic, you know. What kind of favor can I do for you anyway? I'm not your type. But I warn you beforehand, if it's about how to win Nino over back to you, you're just wasting your time. I can't help you on that really."
His stoic companion seemed to have a little difficulty choosing the proper words. Finally he cleared his throat and spoke hesitatingly.
"Teach me… how to be 'cute'."
Author's Notes: Lol, Jaffar's wanting to learn how to be 'cute'! Credit for that idea all goes to K-Gforever for suggesting that idea months ago; thanks a lot for it! Other than that, I haven't lost my touch of humour over the past few months, and hopefully you guys are still on with this fic, and haven't forgotten it. Thanks a bunch to enigma4ever for beta-reading this chapter!
References in the chapter:
(1) Thank you to Nightmare3 for the suggestion of roasting Sain over a fire!
(2) Thanks a bunch to Draknal for the Chinese Water Torture! If you're reading this, Draknal, I hope you don't mind your light 'involvement' in this chapter; I couldn't help it really. XD