I own nothing.

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way – Henry David Thoreau

Chapter Fourteen – Show and Tell

No matter how many times I told this story it never got easier. It never became just a memory. If I was human my heart would be thumping, my palms sweating, and my breath hitched but I wasn't so there were no visible signs that I was fucking freaking out.

For whatever reason telling Bella all the gore details of my past was harder than ever before. Maybe it was because when I saw the disgust and revulsion on her face I would know the true extent of my existence.

Fuck when did I become such an emotional pansy? Man up, Whitlock.

"I joined the army when I was seventeen. It was an honor in my day to fight for your country. Boys lied just like I did to be able to join. I was a natural. It was my calling. People naturally gravitated towards me looking to me for leadership. I rose quickly through the ranks becoming a Major in the Confederate Army. I enjoyed my job and I was damn good at it. If things had turned out differently I believe I would have been a career military man."

"I bet you looked good in your uniform," she just blurted out. I did not bother to respond as I felt her embarrassment spike. I just smirked and continued.

"I don't want you thinking that this war was all fun and games. I watched men die in front of me. Some would say that they were the lucky ones. War is hell. There was never enough of anything, food, clothes, etc. from the simplest things like men sleeping on the ground out in the rain with no blankets. Wounds were bandaged up half assed and they were sent back out to fight. A man might have to walk miles with no shoes but you did not complain because just about the time you did you would come upon a man with no feet or even a leg. I could not have imagined anything worse but you know what they say, things can always be worse."

I took unnecessary settling breaths and let my mind slide back to memories that I only wished I could forget but they were forever a part of me. I once thought that they were the only part of me that remained. That I had lost anything that resembled my former self becoming nothing more than a weapon of war. I still was not sure that was not all I would ever be.

"It was late one night. There were rumbles of an imminent attack from the enemy. I was out patrolling. That was when I came upon them. They seemed to come out of nowhere almost floating through the night. I proclaimed them angels sent from the heaven. I never saw such beauty. I was in awe, completely stunned speechless."

"They were dazzling you," she told me.

"What?"

"They were dazzling you. That is what I use to call it when Edward would look at me and everything else faded away as if his eyes were hypnotizing me. He was dazzling me," she explained to me.

"Yeah that sounds like Edward… fucking dazzling," I laughed shaking my head at the thought of Edward going around dazzling people. I had to tell Emmett that one. At the thought of my absent brother I stopped laughing.

"They were talking but I could not understand. Then she smiled at me. 'What is your name?' Major Jasper Whitlock.' 'A major are you? I think that you are going to be just what I was looking for.' Every sane part of my brain told me to run but I was unable. The thing was before she ever touched me she already owned me. I had been right, she was an angel. She was the angel of death and for three days I burned in the depths of hell," I choked out feeling the inferno as if it was happening all over again in that moment.

"Jasper I don't have to hear this. It is not important. It is the past and what does the past matter?" she told me not having to be an empathy to know that revisiting my history was causing me an excess amount of pain.

"No you wanted to know and I am going to tell you. For both our sakes I will leave out the haunting details and just give you an overview," I told her knowing neither of us needed that. The quicker we got pass this the better, "Maria was her name. She changed me in more than one way. She made me a monster and I am not talking about becoming a vampire. Just like the rest of the country the vampires were at war. Unlike the humans who fought for grand ideas such as freedom, justice, and patriotism the vampires fought for something a little more selfish. The more land they controlled the bigger the source of food they had. And Maria she wanted it all. I was the first step in getting it. After she changed me she taught me to fight. I was a natural just as I had in my human life. She also discovered my gift and trained me how to use it to her full advantage. Once I was ready we started building an army. Just like me she hand picked the members. When all was said and done we plowed through covens. It was nothing but a blood bath. Humans and vampires alike. Nothing had a value. That went on for decades. Changing humans to vampires to kill vampires, then killing those vampires when they no longer were useful. It just became too much for me. The blood, the fighting, the greed, and gluttony. Not only did I see it all, I felt every single emotion. Can you imagine feeling the agony of someone as you drain the last drop of blood out of them? Or the torture of changing, burning from the inside? I can imagine no worse hell."

I could feel myself shaking as images I did not want to see flashed rapidly through my damaged mind. Not able to take it anymore I turned down an old deserted road. The truck had no more than stopped and I was out, running into the small thicket of woods.

"I'm okay," I whispered as I heard her coming up behind me. I could feel her worry and concern. I could also feel her guilt.

"You are okay Jasper? You are a wreck. I don't think you ever dealt with this. I know you have never let it go," she accused and I wanted to laugh at her.

"It is not something that you just let go of. Even if I wanted to I carry hundreds of little reminders that I can never escape. I am covered in scars, battle wounds to forever remind me of all the vampires I killed before they could kill me," I reminded her not bothering to try and hide them anymore. I wanted her to see and know.

"I know you look at your scars as something horrible and ugly but I think they are something to be proud of."

I raised a questioning 'are you fucking nuts' eyebrow at her.

"No hear me out. Scars are like a badge of honor. A road map of all the places you have been and all the things you have seen. Each one a story and a visual reminder that yes you have been through some shit but you made it out. Whatever happened you survived and you are stronger for it. You think you are weak Jasper but you are not. If you ever doubt that all you need to do is look at yourself. Do you think a weak man could have made it out of hell? And even if he did do you think that he would be anything other than a monster? And you are not a monster. Like you said it was war and war is not pretty. You did what you had to do to survive. Not only did you survive but you made it out the other side. You are an amazing strong man. Your scars don't change that, they are proof of that."

I looked at her for the catch, the but…yet all I felt was concern, understanding, awe, and love. For a moment I let it all melt away filling myself with how she felt. It warmed me and made me smile. Then I felt electricity. I scanned my arm for the source coming upon Bella's finger tracing the crescent bites.

"Bella?" I whispered as she continued to trace my scars one after the other sending lighting bolts through me as she did.

"Why do you hide them? Are you ashamed of them?" she questioned still not looking at me as I stared dumbfounded at her.

"I never can really hide them completely. Humans never really see them but as you can see there is no hiding them from us. But no I am not ashamed of them. I may never get over what I did, what I was but I did accept it. Others well…" I trailed off wishing that she would stop touching them. It was unnerving to have her doing it.

"Are you talking about your family or just vampires in general?"

"I don't have to say or do a thing and other vampires know not to mess with me. I would not call them a badge of honor but they are a neon blinking sign that announces 'don't fuck with him' and no one does. As for The Cullen's they know me and so it does not bother them, well except Alice," I told her thinking in all the time that we were together she had never touched me once like this treating my scars as a disease that she was afraid to caught if she did.

"Why?"

"You know how Alice is. She likes everything perfect and they are reminders that I am not."

"That is such a load of bullshit and you know what if she was here I would tell her that. No one is perfect. We are not dolls to be dressed and posed to suit Alice. If I want to wear sweatpants and a tee-shirt every day if the week that is okay. Just as okay as if you want to wear a short sleeved shirt or no shirt at all. We are not perfect; we will never be perfect, none of us even as vampires and that is okay. When you love someone you have to love the scars and all," she explained to me her anger subsiding as the rant ended.

"And when you love someone you make sacrifices."

"Yes but it should not be your happiness."

"Is that right? Well then how about we talk about your happiness and how about we start with your own scars."

Bella's POV

I was hoping that he would forget about that but stupid vampire brains never forget anything. As much as I did not want to divulge into my story I knew he was not going to let it go. And besides he had told me all his dirty little secrets and it was only fair that I did the same.

"It is strange not to have my scars anymore, well except the one," I said rubbing the one that matched Jasper's. It use to feel cold but now it was the same temperature as the rest of my body.

"You were covered in them," Jasper announced.

"Yeah well you know clumsy Bella was not a short term thing. I was born that way. I was always my own worse enemy. If there was something I could fall off of, trip over well I did it. Some times there was nothing there at all, just my two feet to cause me damage. I don't remember how old I was but social services were called after I ended up in the ER one too many times. They thought that Renee was abusing me based on how many bruises and injuries I had. But I know those are not the scars that you were referring to," I told him just buying time telling him the other stuff. He already knew that I was accident prone, "I don't have to tell you how I was after you all left. You could see that for yourself when you found me. I was even worse in the beginning. I was catatonic for awhile. Charlie was beside himself. He tried everything. It was not until he threaten to send me away that I showed any emotions. I freaked out. Told him there was no way that I was going anywhere. I couldn't leave."

"Because what happened if they decided to come back and you were not there," Jasper explained. Of course he understood we had been through the same experience. He understood my reasoning.

"Charlie agreed to let me stay only if I made an effort. I agreed and started living two different lives. There was the pretend Bella where everything was okay and the real one where nothing was. I lived on automatic most of the time. I tried not to feel anything because all I could feel was pain," I tried to explain. It was easier than I thought. It seemed I had lost some of the raw anguish with the change. I still felt the pain but it was duller now letting me finally see beyond the hole he left in my heart.

"I was cooking Charlie dinner one night. I was not paying attention lost in my own wallowing thoughts. The knife sliced into my finger spilling my blood. Do you want to know how sick I am? My first thought was vampires. I was totally and completely freaked out about vampires and their bloodlust. You have to understand that had been my main thought since I met you and your family," I told him waiting for him to comment but he just stared ahead looking out into nothing so I continued, "As I stood there watching the water turn red as I washed my finger I was overwhelmed with the thought that I did not have to worry about it because you were all gone. I did not come out of my room for three days. I really feel like something snapped in me during those days. It was like I lost all hope that he was ever coming back and without that hope there was no reason to go on."

I got up to pace now. I was embarrassed, ashamed by what I had done and not something I wanted to share with anyone. It was hard to go back to lowest point of my life. I was worried what he would think of me?

"I tried to kill myself…more than once," I just blurted out. He still did not look at me but I saw his whole body tense.

"Bella…"

"I know it was wrong, stupid and a multitude of other words but as I said I had lost my mind. We all have a breaking point and that was mine. Still I could not go through with it. I was worried about Charlie finding me. That being said I went from trying to kill myself to courting death. I knew what was out there. I knew what liked to hide in the woods. So I hiked through them going deeper and deeper each time hoping that my blood would tempt someone to come and end it all for me," I said hearing a low growl from Jasper, "You wanted to know. Just like you said it is not a nice little goodnight story. I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to end. So I hiked into the woods and pulled out a pocket knife and cut myself. The first time it was a small barely there cut. Blood and I don't go well together so I was not sure how I was going to handle it but I had no problem. I was proud of myself for that. That I was taking control of my life, my future. It was the only thing I felt I had control of. So each time the cut got bigger, deeper. I knew it was wrong but I could not stop myself. It is hard to explain but each time I cut myself there was no pain just this feeling of achievement. I know I turned into the movie of the week but you have to admit that in the end things turned out the way I wanted them to…mostly."

"Yes Bella there was a psycho vampire lurking around in the woods. I had been out hunting when I smelled the blood. I recognized it instantly. I went running not to hurt you but fearing that you were hurt. As you know that did not turn out too well."

"My first instinct was no it hadn't. I wanted death. I wanted a one way ticket out of this life. Instead you gave me a new life. I don't think that I got to thank you for it. I thought I wanted to die but all I really wanted was a new start," I told him walking up towards him.

His body was still tense as he sat perched on an old tree stump. I stopped in front of him as close as I could get without touching him. I waited for him to look up at me but he kept his head low staring at the ground.

"Jasper look at me," I demanded but still he remained still as a statue. I wanted to scream at him to stop being so ridiculous. But if I knew nothing else about Jasper it was that he was a man of action not words.

I reached out and grabbed his chin forcing him head up to look at me. I forgot all about my new strength and pulled with a little too force. It was good I could not blush any longer because I knew I would be seven different shades of red.

"Sorry, forgot my own strength," I smiled and amazingly enough the man of stone did too, "You really should smile more you are breathtaking when you do," I blurted out receiving that raised eyebrow from him again. How can a man say so many different things with just the raise of his eyebrow? It was like it spoke a secret language of its own.

"What? You really are Jasper. You have to believe me when I tell you that," I tried to tell him wishing he could see what I saw, "I know you have been through and seen enough pain and sorrow to last a thousand life times but you have to let it go. Just like I have to let go of my baggage. Yes it will always be a part of us but the load is getting too heavy to carry. We both deserve a fresh start. We both deserve to be happy. From this moment on both of us are going to move forward not looking back, agreed?"

"Do I have a choice?" he smirked at me.

"No so let's get out of here and start our future, wherever it may lead."