"I Want to be near you. Always."
-Jewel (Near You Always)
They left the loft early the next morning, both silent as they played out their own scenarios of how breakfast was going to go. When Kate made the arrangements she only informed her father that she had plans to go to the cabin, and that there was something that she needed to tell him. No discussion of Castle had come up. As a result, the writer now sat in the passenger seat, anxious with the knowledge that Jim Beckett didn't even know he would be there.
Jim likes me, Castle reasoned with himself. Doesn't he? He began to second-guess himself. Afterall, he'd only ever interacted with the man under stressful or life-threatening circumstances. Still, Beckett's father had sought him out originally, told him that he'd heard great things. Surely that bodes well for me, the writer reasoned as they made their way through traffic towards the diner.
Kate was lost in similar thoughts of trepidation. How would she break such news to her dad? What about Castle's involvement? She reasoned through potential scenarios.
A mad scientist stole my ova and fertilized my eggs for some mysterious purpose that I don't completely understand and now I'm pregnant. Also, Castle is the father. Kate shook her head, dismissing the direct approach.
Hey dad! Guess what, Castle and I are going to have a baby. We've never had sex. Surprise! She nearly laughed at the thought, striking it from her mind.
Kate knew that her father was unaware of her infertility. He also didn't know about the intimate details of her and Castle's relationship. The man had no reason to believe that they were together, but he also knew that Kate was single. Kate reasoned that it wouldn't be beyond the realm of possibility if she were to allow her dad to think they were a couple. Yeah Kate, more lies is exactly what you need in your life right now.
"Castle, I'm not sure how to do this." She admitted. He could easily hear the distress in her voice, but could offer little to appease her. Afterall, how does one explain all of this.
"Does he know about your infertility?" Castle questioned in attempt to get a true picture of her dilemma.
"No." She answered. He wasn't surprised. If nothing else it provided some solace to know that he wasn't the only one that Kate shut out when things got tough. Then again, the part of him that truly loved her wanted to know there was someone that she would tell her secrets to. He only guessed that Lanie was that person.
"At least he knows I'm not dating anyone." She stated.
Castle stared ahead in confusion. He couldn't quite identify how her statement made him feel. On one hand, it was good that there were no other men important enough in her life to meet her dad since Josh. At the same time, it seemed clear to him that Kate had no intention of communicating even the possibility that she might be with him. She's not with me, Castle sardonically reflected. He wasn't sure what he expected.
"I don't even know where to start." Kate sighed heavily.
"We can go into as much detail as you feel comfortable with." Castle offered. "If you want to just tell him that we're having a baby together and leave it at that, it's ok with me."
Kate smiled, "You'd be ok if people believed that we were…" She hesitated.
"Together?" He completed her sentence. Kate was silent.
"Most people will assume that you got pregnant the old-fashioned way, Kate. When I agreed to do this with you I knew that. I don't expect you to explain the odd and incredibly private nature of how this child came to be." Castle assured her.
"What about your public image?" Kate offered. They parked the car and made their way into the diner. Once it was clear that they'd arrived before Jim, the partners took a seat towards the back.
She thought on Castle's words, his offer to be in this completely, reputation be damned. Kate knew that Castle was committed to having this child because it was his. However, he was also a man in the public spotlight and when people started to take notice, they would assume. They would assume things about him, and it would alter his playboy image. Has he really been that playboy though? She reflected. Castle really wasn't that person, aside from the recent turn of events with his flight attendant. Her mood soured.
"What about Jacinda?" The name felt like acid on Kate's tongue, but she had to ask. Afterall, having a baby did not change the fact that Kate had no romantic claim to the writer. The thought of the blonde being involved in his life, in their lives, made her nauseous.
"I'm in this with you, Kate. Not Jacinda…or anyone else for that matter." Castle reassured her. Kate sighed, grateful for his dedication yet concerned for his own image.
This news would fuel rumors that they were a couple, that the writer had finally bedded his muse. Would it leave room for other women? Do I want to leave room for other women? Kate smiled at the thought. She felt odd that the notion of being publicly linked to him thrilled her, even if the details were wrong. Even if they really weren't lovers, it didn't hurt to hope.
"Tell your dad whatever you're comfortable with, Kate. I've got your back no matter what." His words warmed her.
"So," Kate smiled, "I'll just tell him that you got me liquored up and now I'm pregnant." She eyed him seriously before sighing, "So much for an honorable woman." The shocked and somewhat nervous expression on his face nearly undid her. It was made all the better by the fact that in the same moment her father walked in. Soon Kate's own humor was forgotten, as reality once again caught up with her.
"Katie." Jim Beckett smiled as he wrapped his only daughter in his arms. He smiled with surprise in the next moment when Castle rose to greet the man.
"Hello Rick." The men shook hands. "How nice to see you. How have things been?"
They hadn't seen one another since the day Kate was shot, and Jim was pleased to see the writer in a less stressful scenario. He noted by the looks on their faces that this meeting was not completely stress free for them. The more he watched his daughter, the more his own concern grew. What is this about? He wondered as a waitress took their orders.
Kate stirred her coffee, unable to maintain eye contact with her dad for any period of time. She was aware that he was already suspicious of her. Afterall, few people knew Kate as well as her father did.
"Katie. What's going on?" He was calm, hoping that she was there with personal news, with happy news. He wanted her to tell him about her personal life and more so, that she'd finally allowed Castle to be a part of it. The partners reminded him so much of himself and Johanna that it took his breath away from time to time.
Above all else, Jim Beckett hoped that his daughter had not brought him to breakfast this morning to talk about her mother's case. He wanted nothing more than to know that she was living her life instead of chasing her mom's death. Judging from the look on her face, the older man ventured a guess that this was much bigger than any case.
Kate took a deep breath, smiling at the feel of Castle's supportive squeeze to her thigh. You've got this. He seemed to tell her wordlessly. She smiled then, incredibly grateful that Castle was by her side. Truth conquers all, her mother's words seemed to echo through her mind. It provided her with direction as she began to speak.
"Dad, I've got something to tell you."
Jim set his coffee mug down and placed his hands on the table. He looked from his daughter to her partner and noticed that both were incredibly tense. Whatever this was, it was big.
"Talk to me, Katie." He instructed.
"Dad, do you remember that strange case I told you about a year ago- the one where Castle was convinced UFOs and aliens were involved?" She began.
"Yeah." Her father smiled, "I remember it leading to a long conversation about The X-Files." He laughed, hoping that he could somehow put his daughter at ease.
"Yeah." Kate remembered somewhat sadly, "Dad, shortly after that case, after we were taken and interrogated, I found out that I couldn't have children." She could see that the information took her dad's breath away. Another squeeze to her thigh from Castle gave her the strength to continue.
"Dad, several weeks ago we came into contact with those responsible for my infertility and we learned that they'd done some experimental work." Her dad's eyebrows rose in surprise and trepidation. It seemed unreal.
"They took two of my eggs and fertilized them, creating embryos." Kate took a deep breath and a sip of her tea to give herself a moment to gather her thoughts. Her dad tried to speak several times, but fell short when he attempted. The man simply couldn't find words.
Instead he remained silent, waiting for her to continue. Kate looked to her partner, willing him to help her in that moment. He understood and began to speak for the first time.
"We quickly learned that the eggs were fertilized with my… that I…That I'm the biological father."
Castle supplied. Again, Jim looked shocked. It seemed that the older man expected them to burst out laughing, to tell him it was all a joke. Only, they were completely serious.
"Katie, I'm not sure I understand… What is it you're telling me?" It seemed incredulous.
"Dad, I'm going to have a baby." She finally stated.
"We're going to have a baby." Castle corrected, placing his hand over hers in a sign of unity.
Her partner was supportive. Castle was supportive during Kate's conversation with her father and to reward him she allowed him to drive. She did not tell him that, of course. Instead she cited that she was slightly light-headed and accepted his subsequent offer to drive. Truth be told she was fine. In fact, she felt better than fine now that her father was aware of the baby.
To say that he was shocked was an understatement. From his devastation to learn of what had been taken from his daughter and the hurt that she never told him; to the utter shock when he was told about the embryos and the IVF. Above all else, Jim Beckett was happy to know his daughter was pregnant, hopeful that things would continue to progress and relieved that Castle was the father. Yes, relieved.
She blushed furiously at the table when her father told Castle that there wasn't a better man to be the father of his grandchildren. He'd never given such respect and support to the previous men in her life. Yet with Castle he seemed eager.
"I think my dad might have a man-crush on you, Castle." Kate teased her partner as they made their way back to the car. She placed the cabin key in her pocket as they walked. The writer smiled, cocking his head back and walking a bit taller.
Jim was overjoyed to learn that there would be a baby, and they'd agreed to spend more time together when she returned to the city. Her father also shook Castle's hand, thanking him for taking care of his daughter. It was a moment that made Kate feel more than a little flustered.
"I am pretty irresistible." Castle retorted. He placed his hand at the small of her back as they crossed the parking lot and it seemed so natural that neither of them noticed.
They drove to the cabin, a calm and amicable air between them. Kate was so relieved to have the conversation with her father out of the way that she was slightly giddy. He wasn't only supportive of the pregnancy, he was happy about it. My dad wants Castle and I to have a family. She was awed by the fact. It also made her wonder what her mom would have thought. She would have loved him, Kate reflected as she watched Castle.
They listened to the radio as they drove, reminiscing over old cases and the antics of their team. When a good song would play they sang along. Kate would laugh as Castle would intentionally sing loudly and off-key. It was so incredibly refreshing for both of them.
For the first time in a long time, they spoke freely and openly about things that had nothing to do with mad-scientists, hormone treatments or the pregnancy. There was no anger or tension between them. There seemed to be no unspoken resentment and no flight attendants in their way. Kate felt more sure of her standing with Castle than she had in a long time.
Yet, she found herself struggling with the same insecurity that hounded her for months. I'm not ready. I'm not where I need to be to have this relationship. Castle deserves for me to be ready, to be whole again. She thought back to the bombing case, back to before Castle had iced her out. She thought she was ready then. She wanted to be ready then.
Kate let out a sigh of frustration, so lost in her own thoughts that she'd forgotten for a moment that the center of her struggles was sitting in the drivers' seat right next to her. What happens if I tell him and he's not in the same place? What if he really did move on? Maybe he's just doing this out of pity or obligation. As if on some ironic cue, the radio began to play a soft tune as Kate grappled with her insecurities. It was a song that Kate recognized.
In fact, she remembered listening to in high school, but she had long since forgotten as the years passed. Then, on a rainy afternoon last July, just months after her shooting, Kate sat at her father's cabin and sorted through memories from her youth. She'd come across the CD and listened once again. Only now Kate found that the old song took new life, speaking like no other to her feelings for her partner.
She listened to it at the very same cabin they were traveling to; as she came to the acknowledgement his love for her, of how it terrified her. Later, it saw her admit the love she had for him, guided her through the acceptance that she wanted to heal for him. Now it was playing for Castle, the object of her desire, frustration, fear and love. Kate felt she couldn't breathe as the words she knew would come began to sound.
Please don't say I love you.
Those words touch me much too deeply.
They make my core tremble.
I don't think you realize the effect you have over me.
Please don't look at me like that.
It just makes me want to make you near me.
Always.
Although it made no rational sense, Kate was terrified that Castle would somehow know that they were listening to her song for him. She rested her head against the glass of the car window and guarded her breathing as much as possible. Kate felt completely transparent, as if Castle somehow knew that the song filled her with thoughts of only him. Did he know that the words were a verbalization of everything she felt for him? Did he understand that he was listening to all those things that were left unsaid? The detective felt as if she were an open book, one that she was terrified he would read.
Please don't kiss me so sweetly.
It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow.
And please don't touch me like that,
it makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow.
And please don't come so close.
It just makes me want to make you near me.
Always.
Even now, the song conjured memories of Castle's lips against her own. Kate was flooded with the sensation of how it felt to be in his arms, even if it was just a ruse to rescue the boys. She remembered the taste of him and the way his fingers glided through her hair. He was her drug and she knew there would be no getting him out of her system. Even before she'd admitted that she was in love, Kate couldn't deny that no other man, not Demming nor Josh, ever made her feel the way he did. They really did pale in comparison to him.
Please don't bring me flowers.
They only whisper the sweet things you'd say.
Don't try to understand me,
your hands already know too much anyway.
It just makes me want to make you near me.
Always.
They drove in silence as Kate lost herself in thoughts of him, of how he knew her better than anyone else. His presence disarmed her like no other. Kate wanted to turn to face him, to see if he knew how the music was affecting her. Would he see the transparency on her face? Usually she was on her own when her mind wandered to these thoughts. However, in that moment she was captive his presence and the music persisted. Did he know that she felt she couldn't breathe? Could he tell that she was drowning in all the things she'd never told him? If he did the writer gave no indication. Instead he drove in silence, the music unrelenting in its onslaught.
And when you look in my eyes,
please know my heart is in your hands.
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me.
So be gentle if you please.
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth.
It makes me want to make you near me.
Always.
Soon she thought back on the previous months, on how it felt to nearly lose him. She'd never been so lost, so devastated as she was during those months when he no longer wanted her. Uncomplicated, he'd told her. Kate would never forget how he'd crushed her then. Yet in the end, it was that time more than any other that drove home her feelings. She'd dated Josh for nearly a year, had been living with Will before he'd left her, and neither effected her the way Castle had with one word; Uncomplicated.
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth.
It makes me want to make you near me.
Always.
The song's words of love and yearning continued as Kate grappled with herself. She didn't know how much longer she could go on without coming clean to Castle. Only now there was a baby. Did he still want uncomplicated? Would he stay with her out of obligation now that she was pregnant? How would he respond when he learned that his partner, damaged and complicated like no other, was irrevocably in love with him?
I want to be near you.
Always.
As the tears threatened and burned at her eyes, Kate knew that she would find out sooner rather than later. She didn't know how much longer she could hold back without telling him. There was no choice but to risk that he'd moved on. While the pregnancy brought her time, it brought him back to her as a partner for the moment, it was no guarantee. She had to push away the anguish that came with thoughts of him wanting the baby but not her. Kate swallowed the lump in her throat as she considered sharing a baby on the weekends while he moved on with another woman.
I want to be near you.
Always.
As the song slowly came to its end, Kate forced herself to keep her eyes closed. Is she opened them the moisture would be there and he would know. She concentrated on keeping her breathing steady in the hope that he would believe she fell asleep. Soon they would be at the cabin and there would be no more hiding, there would be no boundaries of professionalism, no badge to hide behind. It would only be them and somehow Kate knew that the next several days would make or break them.
I want to be near you.
Always.
AN: Expect another update this week and yes, we're setting up for something pretty big.
Near You Always is from Jewel's Album "Pieces of You," Which was very popular when I was in high school (and thus when Kate was). You can find the link on my twitter account or look it up on youtube. If the song "If it Kills Me" was Castle's song, this would be Kate's rebuttal during that time ;) Enjoy!