In the end the way I tell him is all wrong.
I have no finese, it is like taking a hammer to his hopes. My brain freezes and words tumble out on their own accord.
"I cannot go with you."
It is cruel and blunt and hurtful, and it does hurt him. He drops my hands as if they burn him.
"What do you mean?"
There is a coolness to his voice that makes me uneasy.
"I cannot sail with you Legolas. It is not the right choice for you, not now."
"What makes you think you know what is right for me?" He is angry now, so angry and his words slam into me.
"Because I know you." I have to make him understand this. If I know anything it is that I know he cannot go.
"What of Gimli and Elessar Legolas? You would leave them behind forever. You are not ready to do that."
"Do not tell me what I am or am not ready for!" He leaps to his feet and strides away from me before turning in the middle of the glade to shout out his rage.
"You have encouraged me before to sail. You have said you would come. Why now do you care about my friends? Why now do you abandon me?"
"I do not abandon you." I stand and follow him, attempting to grasp hold of his hands, but he will not let me.
"I was wrong before. I have seen your friendship with Elessar. I know what it means to you. You have opened my eyes to the truth. You can not leave him behind and be happy Legolas."
"These are excuses," he cries, "You do not care about my friendship with Aragorn. You never have. You do not want to come with me. That is the truth of it, is it not Maewen? Be honest."
He is right, I do not want to go with him, but it is not for the reasons he thinks. I am not ready to leave. I love the land, it is a part of me, I am entwined with it. I cannot bear the thought of leaving. I simply cannot do it. Even for him.
I used to dream of sailing away together, away from the difficulties which dog us since the war, away from the differences in him. But now I see we would only be running away and the problems we have would follow us. It would solve nothing. With the promise of a new happier relationship with Legolas gone, my love for the land overwhelms me.
"I cannot leave Legolas! I am not ready to go. It is not to do with you, I promise. It is me, it is all me."
He does not listen. He will not listen. Instead he storms away from me, away from our glade.
"I will go on my own then!" He yells as he departs. "I do not need you. My mother will be there, my brother may be there. I do not need you!"
But he is wrong and I know it. He does need me and I have failed him, but I will not change my mind.
For the first time I do not return to our rooms to sleep. Always we do, no matter what hurtful words we may have thrown at each other during the day, always we return to each other at night. But not this night. I do not have the energy and so I find somewhere else to go instead.
It is cold and lonely without him but I do not have the inclination to argue further. I spend the night wondering if he will do what he says. Will he truly sail without me and leave me here?
What will I do without him?
In the morning I do not want to go to breakfast but I do. I will not hide. Legolas is there before me and he sits with Erynion. They talk together at the head of the long table and normally I would join them. Not today. Instead I sit at the far end on my own but I feel Legolas' eyes upon me although I do not look at him. His gaze burns into me as I eat, burning, burning, always watching.
I do not look. I will not look.
In the end it is he who gives in and he comes to me. He slips into the seat beside me and although I do not look up, his voice when he speaks is soft and gentle.
"You did not sleep last night." He sounds as if he cares.
The words that come out of my mouth are harsh and bitter. I am not even sure why. I did not think I was feeling anger towards him but perhaps I am?
"I did sleep," I say, "Just not with you."
I look up in time to see him flinch.
"Well that hurt." He replies and ducks his head, not quickly enough to stop me seeing the pain in his eyes and feel guilty for it.
"You have not changed your mind then?" He is still in control, still reasonable but I do not think it will last.
"I will not sail with you Legolas. I cannot." And a part of me is foolish enough to think he might actually listen to me today. I could not have been more wrong.
"So you would leave me." He is so bitter and he has not heard a word I said. I have had enough.
"It is you leaving me, Legolas. I have told you I am not ready. You should not be asking this of me. You are not ready either."
"How would you know anything about my readiness to sail?" He snaps, "You never talk to me about the sea. You wish to bury your head in the sand and ignore it. You resent the fact I have the sealonging. You blame me for it."
"You were warned!" I cry, "You did not have to follow Elessar. You had other options. Did you even think of me once before you did that?" And I realise as I speak that he is right, I do resent him for that and I always have. He made decisions which changed my life and a part of me wonders if he spent even a moment considering me before he did so.
"I did what was right for my people," he hisses back at me, "Aragorn had to succeed or we would all fall! It was not about me and it was not about you."
"But it should have been," I argue although a part of me knows that he is right, it was bigger than us, "You should have thought of us. Instead the only one you cared about was Elessar, the King of Men."
"I do not recognise you anymore Maewen. You know I have responsibilities beyond just you and I. You have always known that, right from the beginning, and now you throw it in my face?"
"Responsibilities for our people. But now you take on responsibilty for all Mortals as well!" I do not even know how we have started arguing about this. Obviously neither does he and he drags the conversation back to the beginning.
"The fact remains," he says, "That if you do not come with me it may end us."
For a moment I simply stare at him and I do not know what to say for he is right. Is this what I want?
"Legolas," I am careful with my words now, "I love you, I do, but I also love the land. It is a part of me. I know you understand this. You cannot ask this of me, it is too much. Your mother did not ask it of your father when she left. She knew he could not go with her. You told me this yourself."
"He was King. It was different, he had our people to consider."
In the end there is only one thing I can say.
"If you loved me, Legolas, you would not ask this."
He explodes then. It doesn't matter we are seated in front of the majority of our people.
"Damn you Maewen!"
It takes me by surprise as he angrily sweeps his arm across the table sending crockery and cutlery spilling to the floor.
"Damn you!" He is on his feet then and a silent hush falls across the hall at the crash of the crockery shattering. It means they all hear the next words he shouts at me.
"Then I obviously do not love you!"
It echoes around the hall as it echoes around my brain and he is gone, stalking away, and I am left sitting alone surronded by the broken detritus of our love. The eyes of everyone there upon me.
After that argument Legolas disappears.
He does this sometimes, when the sea accosts him. He takes himself to the trees, the forest. He has told me he goes to anchor himself. He loses himself in the sea and the trees protect him. Eventually then he remembers who he is and why he is here. I do not understand it and I do not pretend to.
Always, always, he tells me where he goes and when and why.
But not this time.
Usually we send patrols to follow him, the sector he wanders in we fill with elves to ensure he is safe. They never see him, the trees help him hide, but they keep enemy numbers low or non existant so his wandering in the sea longing will not put him at risk.
How can we do that when we do not know where he is?
It is Erynion that alerts me to his disappearance.
"Have you seen Legolas?" He asks me in the middle of the afternoon, and I laugh. It is not a happy laugh because why does he imagine I would have seen him after the morning altercation.
"No. Erynion, are you mad. You saw us this morning, everyone did. I have not been near him."
"He has gone." he says bluntly, "I think he has taken to the trees. He always tells you where he goes then."
I am alarmed at that. How can I not be?
"Are you sure? Perhaps he has joined a patrol?"
"Well that would be foolish in the extreme given his health." He is right about that.
"But no, he has not. Do you not think I have checked?"
A thrill of horror runs through me then.
"The sea is bad." I tell him, "He told me last night he wishes to sail. It was that we argued about."
"And you did not tell me?"
"It was our private business Erynion. I know you are his friend and his second but that does not give you the right to know what happens inside our relationship!" I am angry he accuses me so.
"This goes beyond the two of you." He bites back angrily, "It does Maewen and you know it. He is irrational, not himself. His decision making process is not reliable. I should have known he was talking like that. What if he has taken himself to the sea itself?"
He leaves me guilty and ashamed. I should have done something more. I should have gone to him the previous evening. I needed help with Legolas. I should have asked for that help long ago. Why did I not listen to the voice inside me that told me to call for outside help, to call Thranduil? Why did I let my worries about what Legolas would think of me get in the way of my common sense?
I will not do that again. We are not important. Keeping him safe is.
And so I go to our rooms and do what I should have done days ago.
I call for help.