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Repairing what's lost

After feeding Julian and finally managing to stop the boy from clinging to him, Logan now sat on his bed and watched him sleeping next to him. He really began to ask himself which higher being was so pissed off at him that he was stuck with that kid. He never wanted kids, he didn't even like them and he especially couldn't imagine taking care of the child next to him for years. "Damn it…," he cursed and looked at his bedside table. But it only helped to worsen his mood. On it laid the book Ororo had bought and he instantly narrowed his eyes. He began to ask himself if it hadn't been a mistake to come back. Of course he had missed what he had begun to call a home, but right now he wished he was in his cabin in Canada; far away from any trouble and especially far away from the kid. Logan turned his head when Julian turned and watched how the boy cuddled up to the wolf next to him. He began to ask himself what a father would do now. Would a good father reach out and tuck the boy back in? Would he stare at the sleeping boy and not getting enough of it? Was he supposed to be proud and happy? Supposed to feel love or affection? All Logan knew was that he felt nothing when he looked at the child. For him it was just another kid and he just couldn't feel related to it.

About to snap when his door was pushed open he noticed the scared look on Rogue's face. "What?!" Logan asked concerned and got up a bit. The girl was panting and he guessed that she must have been running to his room. "What happened?"

"Jean…," Rogue said and pressed a hand against her chest to catch her breath.

"What about her?" he asked and cocked an eyebrow. The redhead hadn't seemed odd to him the last time he'd seen her. To him she had acted as usual and he really hoped that the woman wasn't lying in a room again with blood around her. He had experienced the shock once and to him it was enough for his liking.

"She…," Rogue began and now he noticed the tears in her eyes. "She's on the roof…"

"What's she doin' on the roof?!" Logan asked and furrowed his brows.

"The Professor thinks she wants to jump," Marie told him and began to sob. "She's crying but she doesn't want to see anyone. Ms. Munroe already tried…"

"Stay here," he said and was out of the door in the next second. While Logan ran towards the staircase he began to ask himself what could have upset Jean so much that she wanted to kill herself again. Only few days earlier she had told him she wouldn't do it again and now that. Nearly bumping into two students, Logan made a sharp turn and ran up the stairs; taking three at once. It was easy for him to track her down. Of course she had picked the highest point of the mansion's roof and he found her standing at the banister. Stopping at the door, unseen from her, he thought about what to do. "Jean…," Logan said calmly and the redhead's head turned instantly around. He could see the fear and despair in her eyes and wondered what had happened.

"Go away!" Jean said and made a step back, which made him raise both hands instantly to show her that he meant not to harm her.

"What are ya doin', Jean?" he asked and his heart beat rapidly against his chest.

"I said go away!" she yelled at him in panic and held onto the banister. Her tears blurred her vision while she was shaking heavily. "Leave me alone!" she added sobbing and turned away from him.

"No, I won't!" Logan said and heard the others on the mansion's grounds. The cool air of night already made him shiver and he was usually used to cold weather. He could tell that Jean was freezing heavily in her shirt. "Jean, what happened?"

"Go away!" she said even louder and made another step back.

"Just tell me what happened!" he begged and felt how his heart made a jump when her foot reached the edge of the roof. "I won't do anythin', I swear. Just stop movin'!"

Bending over the banister, Jean sobbed and stared down where the others were. She didn't care about their scared looks or that the Professor was constantly begging her to go back inside and that they could talk about everything. She had enough of it, enough of people telling her what to do, enough of the fear and guilt within her that kept her awake at night. She couldn't take it anymore. "I'm done…," she whispered unconsciously and Logan cocked an eyebrow.

"Done with what?" he asked her and came a bit closer but stopped when she gave him a warning look. "Done with what, Jean?" he asked once more to distract her.

"Everything…," she mumbled and ran a hand through her face.

"So…," he shrugged and made one more step into her direction. "Ya think that jumpin' will solve your problems, eh?"

"What do you know, Logan?!" Jean yelled at him and shook her head with a desperate look. "You know nothing!"

"How if ya not talkin' to us?!" Logan asked her and furrowed his brows. "Tell me what happened…," he added in his softest voice and heard her sobbing again. "Somethin' must have happened…"

"Why is he not pulling her away?!" Ororo asked crying and felt how Hank pulled her close. "He could just leap at her…"

"He's too heavy," the furry mutant assumed and was sure he had never been that scared and nervous in his entire life. Seeing one of his oldest friends being so desperate and lost… He didn't know what to do. "If Logan moves too far to the edge it'll break and both of the will fall down."

"But what if she jumps?!" Ororo cried and looked at him.

"He's making her too angry…," Moira said more to herself when they heard Jean yelling at Logan again.

"No…," the Professor disagreed and was unable to tear his eyes away from the roof. "He tries to make her talk…"

"He'll find me…," Jean sobbed and turned away from Logan again. She shook her head and cried heartrendingly.

Logan gave the edge where she stood a worried look. He couldn't risk go further. "What makes ya think that, Jean?" he asked her again to distract her.

"Because he knows where I am!" she snapped and glared at him.

"We'll protect ya," he tried to soothe her and held out his hand to her. "Take it and come here, Jean."

"Stay away from me!" she said almost hysterically and he quickly withdrew his hand when she made another step backwards.

"I'm only tryin' to help ya…"

"You can't help me!" Jean gave back and held onto the banister for dear life. "No one of you can!" Quivering in fear she looked down once more and lowered her head in defeat. "He'll kill me…," she whispered and was about to climb over the banister when he spoke up.

"So ya just give in?" Logan asked her and she froze. "Ya let him win and give in without fightin' back? Well, go ahead!" He shrugged and tilted his head a bit to give her a provocative look. "You've become weak, Jean," he remarked in faked disappointment. "The Jean I know would fight back no matter what. She would never give in and let this son if a bitch win!"

"Don't you think I tried?!" she said aloud and sobbed. "You don't know what he did to me when I fought back…"

"Then tell me!" he said and looked at her but she shook her head. "Why not?!" he asked impatiently and looked up when it began to rain.

"It's my fault…," he heard her mumbling and heaved a deep breath. "It's all my fault…"

"What is your fault?" Logan asked. "That he raped ya? That he beat ya up?" He shook his head. "Do ya think ya deserved it?" He cocked an eyebrow at her when she nodded. "Why?!"

"I made him angry… I should have listened to what he said," she replied and lowered her head. Suddenly she gave him an odd smile and nodded. "You're right… I'm weak…," she said and Logan cocked an eyebrow at her. "I'm only bothering you and the others…"

"No, you're not," he quickly said to prevent her from moving. "Jean, what this bastard did t'ya was wrong! Nothin' of what has happened has been your fault, he is the one t'blame!" he went on and she looked at him through empty eyes. "I promise ya he won't get ya! He will never do anythin' t'ya again, but please… Step away from that edge."

"I can't take this anymore, Logan!" Jean sobbed and her face was a mask of despair. "I'm done…"

"What about Julian?" Logan tried and held her gaze. "What about your kid? Do ya want us t'tell him that his mother killed herself? What do ya think will it do t'him? Or your friends?" he asked and she lowered her head crying. "If ya jump, Jean, it'll be over for ya, but not for us! We'll be left t'grief and blame ourselves for your death. And then it's really your fault and you'll be a fuckin' coward!" For a moment they only looked at each other. Logan could tell that she was thinking about it and really hoped she would step away from that edge. "Julian needs his mother, Jean and your friends need ya. We'll help ya. That bastard won't touch ya ever again, I promise!"

"But…," she began in barely more than a whisper. "He knows I'm here… He'll find me…"

"How come he knows you're here?" he asked but she shook her head.

"I don't know," Jean replied and bit her lip hard while tears still ran down her cheeks. "He was on the phone… He said he'd get me and then I know what would happen. He was so angry…" She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head. "He'll kill me…"

"He won't!" Logan said and held out his hand to her again. "Please, come here…"

Raising her head, she gave him an insecure look. Her fear of facing Richard again or even thinking about what he would do to her made her want to jump. If she was dead it was over. She wouldn't have to relive everything again and again, wouldn't have to live with the fear within her, the pain… Looking up she noticed the fear in his eyes and remembered what he'd told her. It wasn't a secret to her that Ororo was still crying. She heard her perfectly, so could he. She knew if she jumped her friends would grief for her. "I don't know what to do…," Jean admitted and looked at him through her blurred vision. "I don't want this anymore, Logan… I don't want this…"

"I know," he said and shook his head. "When I've woken up in that wood without any memories and those claws… I felt the same way ya do now. I wanted t'end it, even more so when I noticed that I couldn't. But it's not worth it, Jean!" Logan told her and shook his head again. "Take my hand and come here…"

Still not sure what to do Jean looked at his hand. She felt torn between giving in to her overwhelming death wish and his words. "I don't know…," she whispered and looked up.

"Take it," he said once more. "I promise he won't touch ya, Jeannie." He watched how she looked down and finally reached out. Again Logan noticed how the edge she stood on moved. "Come slowly over t'me, okay?" he said and made a step forward. "Slowly!" He looked at their hands that nearly touched as Jean shrieked. All Logan saw was that the edge she was standing on loosened and she nearly lost her halt. He couldn't risk making another step forward. "Come over here!"

"No…," she said, afraid to make another move. "I'll fall…"

"No, ya won't!" Logan replied. "Just jump into my direction, I'll catch ya!"

Heaving deep breaths, Jean looked down to the ground that was meters away. She was paralyzed in fear. "I can't…"

"Yes, ya can!" he said aloud. "Ya have t'jump!"

Looking at him with tears in her eyes, she heaved another deep breath and nodded. Swallowing, Jean shifted her weight to jump as she suddenly fell backwards. With a loud shriek that was accompanied by her friends in the garden, she fell and reached out for Logan, who could only stare at her in shock. Not thinking about it, he jumped off of the roof, too, and buried his claws in the wall after grabbing her wrist. "Gotcha," he said through clenched teeth and felt how she held onto his arm for dear life. Looking down, he figured that she would probably break all her bones if not even got herself killed, if he jumped. Looking up, he asked himself how he was supposed to reach the roof. It wouldn't be able to handle his weight. "Damn…," he cursed and looked down on the sobbing redhead. "I pull ya up, okay?" Logan said after giving his friends in the garden who were frozen in shock a brief look. "Hold onto me," he added and pulled Jean up with his left arm, while the claws on his right hand were still buried in the wall. As soon as she had wrapped her arms around his neck and was sobbing into it in fear, he looked for a way out. "Don't let go," he warned her and extracted the claws on his other hand, too. He didn't care if the wall would have some marks, he just wanted to get down. Doing one step after the next, he slowly climbed down until he reached the safe grass underneath them. As soon as he had retracted his claws and had lowered himself onto his knees, Jean pulled him even closer and cried heartrendingly into his neck. Logan only pulled her close and began to rock her slowly back and forth, as Ororo ran over to hug the redhead.

"God, what were you thinking?" she sobbed and stroked over Jean's hair. "Don't you ever do this again!"

"'Ro," he grunted and shook his head. "Leave her alone." He pulled the redhead up and ignored the questions of the others on his way back inside. Logan didn't stop until he had reached his own rooms. After locking the door behind him, he placed Jean on the bed and gave her dry clothes to wear before he, too, changed and sat down next to her on the bed. "And now…," he said and made her look up. "You'll talk!"

Two chapters on one day. I call that something. LOL I did the beta on the last chapter before typing this one and now it is midnight. So, I will post this chapter tomorrow and start typing on Changes then. ; ) See ya!