It's an affair. Santana knows that. It's not cheating. Cheating is when you kiss someone because you're too in the moment. Cheating is when you drink too much and go home with a random stranger for the night and never see them again. What Rachel and she are doing? It's an affair. It's not a one time thing. There are no excuses like being caught up in a moment, or having too much to drink. No, she is having an affair with the Broadway singer. Santana is going behind Brittany's back, her wife of three years, and best friend since forever, to be with Rachel. There is just no other way to explain it.
She didn't mean for it to happen. And god knows that she and Rachel tried their hardest to avoid it. No one can say they didn't try. But they failed to stop it. Rachel and her, their relationship, had always been an unstoppable force meeting an unmovable object. She supposes now that she should have seen it coming. They had always been drawn to each other in one way or another. They had danced around for years. Enemies, teammates, roommates, friends, best friends. It had always felt like it had been leading up to something and it did.
She had fallen in love with Rachel like it was an inevitability of life. The very second they had finally gotten over themselves, and put their past aside they had started to fall in love. But she had had Brittany. Still did have her. And god she loved Brittany. But in falling in love with Rachel she had realized that she wasn't in love with Brittany; hadn't been in love with Brittany for a long, long time.
Santana looked at the clock. It was nearing eight am and her wife would be waking up soon. She was going to hurt her so bad and she hated herself for it.
She had to tell her. She couldn't not anymore. She had carried on like this for months avoiding just this moment. She might have been able to carry on longer if it wasn't for last night.
She had wanted Rachel. Wanted to hold her and make love to her. The woman had been gone for weeks and Santana needed to be with her. She craved her like oxygen. She had called Rachel and flirted shamelessly and boldly with her, telling her, in intimate detail, all the dirty things she wanted to do to her, and Rachel had whimpered into the phone, telling Santana to come over.
A natural disaster couldn't have stopped the Latina, but Brittany coming home early from work sure did. The blonde had tried to seduce her and Santana had shut her down, her brain ironically screaming that she couldn't…wouldn't be unfaithful to Rachel like that. They had fought and by the time Santana had gotten out of the apartment she was already two hours late to Rachel's place.
She had fished the woman's apartment key out of its hiding place in her purse and walked in to find it dark already. The hairs on the back of Santana's neck had stood up and her pulse had begun to race in anticipation of what she knew she was going to find. She was well to be prepared. The sight of Rachel curled up in her bed, eyes red and face wet from crying had hurt Santana's heart. But Rachel whimpering that she couldn't go on being not good enough for Santana had broken it. She had gathered the singer up in her arms and they had cried together for hours and then made gentle, reaffirming love until the sun peaked in through the windows and Rachel couldn't keep her eyes open any more.
Santana had watched her sleep for an hour before writing her a quick note and going back to her and Brittany's home one last time. With a peaceful sort of resignation in her heart she had removed all of her clothing from the guest bedroom she had been staying in for the last six months, and packed them away neatly in two suitcases. That was all she would take. Brittany could have everything else, deserved everything else, even if Santana knew it wouldn't make the pain any less. She would give the blonde anything in the world, she just couldn't give her heart any more.
Brittany's alarm went off and a tear slipped down Santana's cheek as she heard the sounds of her wife getting out of bed.
Closing her eyes, the Latina took a deep breath and steeled her nerves. Being with Rachel was right, it was what she needed and wanted to live. Being with Brittany was the actual affair at the end of the day.