A Promise Kept

Chapter 14

Exhaustion was taking its merciless toll on Steve and as the darkness started to pull him under he heard Mike's voice softly reassuring him that everything was going to be ok and felt a gentle hand stroking his forehead. The touch was soothing but the voice sounded a little off and then followed a faint, annoying sensation of the bed shaking under him, that wouldn't allow him to surrender fully to the sleep that he desperately craved. Steve wondered if it was his own body shaking from the awful ordeal he had just suffered that was causing it. He tried to focus on his own body but couldn't feel any shivers or tremors. Yet the bed was definitely moving ever so slightly.

It took Steve several seconds to garner enough energy to simply force his eyes open just a crack and when he finally did, he saw Mike through a blurry haze sitting next to his bed. The older man had one hand resting on Steve's upper left arm and the other seemed to be covering his eyes. He blinked to try and clear his vision and following the hand that covered the older man's face down to his elbow which rested on the bed, he saw that it was most definitely shaking. That revelation panicked the younger man and again he had to muster enough energy to make his voice work, which caused his words to come out slurring badly.

"Mi ... ke? Are ... you ... ok?"

Mike almost jumped on hearing Steve's voice. He saw Steve's eyes barely open and could see him trying to focus better on him and he wiped at his face in a panicked gesture. He had thought the young man was asleep and now realizing that he wasn't, he cursed his momentary weakness and tried to regain his composure. His voice was still thick with emotion, so he cleared his throat and spoke as normally as his voice would allow.

"Sure ... Sure I'm ok. I thought you were asleep."

Steve could tell he was lying. His voice sounded strange and he was avoiding catching his eye.

"Bed was ... shaking. You ... sure you're ok? You look ... upset."

"No, no ... it's just these Hospital lights. I don't know why they have to make them so bright. They really irritate your eyes you know? ..."

Mike was rubbing at his eyes as he spoke and Steve remained staring at him weakly as guilt rose inside him for having caused Mike to be upset. He had rarely seen him like that over the course of their partnership. Sure he had seen him upset plenty of times but like himself, Mike was always an expert at keeping his emotions strictly under control. While Steve had seen grief and upset in the older man's clear blue eyes on several occasions over the years, he had never witnessed a single tear being shed. He began to realize the depth of the sadness and guilt that Mike had been carrying around since his shooting. He once more forced his tired and fevered brain to think about how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak and if he were in Mike's place right now. Having witnessed such a violent and uncontrollable episode of retching and not being able to help, he would feel as hopeless and miserable as Mike was right now and again guilt for having caused Iron Mike to implode, added to his own misery. He had to make it right, if he was going to be able to sleep peacefully at all.

He forced his hand to reach over and he found Mike's jacket lapel. Tugging weakly at it , he spoke emotionally.

"I'm sorry Mike ... I guess this whole mess ... has been just as tough for you too, huh?"

Mike dropped his hand from his eyes and grabbed Steve's instead. He couldn't have the young man feeling bad for his own foolishness so with his other hand he picked up the damp cloth off the bedside locker and started mopping Steve's brow as he spoke, still way more unsteadily than he would have preferred to.

"Hey now ... None of this is your fault. I just ... I just wish I could do more to help you that's all ... I've really let you down these past four weeks Buddy boy and ... I'm not proud of that fact. I just wish my head had been in a better place these last four weeks ..."

Steve heard more breaks in the older man's voice and remained staring at him as he clearly saw moisture in Mike's eyes. He felt his own emotions starting to build as a result and knew he had to pull them both back from the brink and fast. He remembered earlier and spoke purposefully.

"Hey Mike ... I think you're going to have to ... ring and update Dispatch."

Mike stopped mopping Steve's brow and looked at him curiously.

"Why?"

"Because now ... There's TWO officers down." he stated, as a mischievous grin formed on his face.

It was Mike's turn to smile and then chuckle at the young man's humor.

"Oh, Wiseguy huh? Stealing my humor now. Is that it?" Mike said dropping the cloth and ruffling Steve's hair instead but he couldn't help laughing even more as he saw Steve's weak smile widen and heard a faint laugh follow.

Just then the door opened and Rita returned into the room carrying another small tray with a syringe on it. She heard the giggling and smiled as she did. It was the first time she had heard laughter from her patient since his arrival up to CCU and it confirmed her thoughts that Mike would be a welcome tonic for the young man. Coming closer towards the bed, she noted Steve's more relaxed demeanor and the two hands held together in a strong bond of friendship.

"Well you seem cheerier than the last time I was in here, I must say." she uttered in a warm tone.

"Me and Mike ... were just discussing emergency protocol ... " Steve replied, chuckling again as Mike joined in.

"Well there will be plenty of time to discuss emergency protocol later you two. Right now young man, you are under strict orders to get some sleep. I HAD thought you already were."

Steve closed his eyes wearily, the act of keeping his eyes open was using energy he just didn't have any more, but feeling very giddy still, he couldn't resist adding for fun.

"It's all his fault ... He was shaking the bed ..."

He giggled again as Mike answered humorously, ruffling Steve's hair playfully a second time

"Oh, telling on me now too huh?"

Then looking contritely back at the nurse, Mike added seriously in his defense.

"It won't happen again. "

That serious second remark only served to make Steve giggle even more and Mike could see Rita looking bemused at her patient's new found joviality. Once more he remarked to the nurse.

"I think it must be the drugs ... "

Rita smiled, knowing full well that while the drugs could be contributing to the giddiness, Mike was more than likely the main reason for it, but she didn't mind. It was good to hear it and she felt it would ultimately do Steve more good than harm.

"Steve, Dr. Lowell has instructed me to give you something for the nausea. I'm just going to put it into your IV on slow release so it should help you sleep without feeling sick for a while. How is the nausea now?"

Feeling a little giddy himself after the recent humor, Mike added mischievously.

"Oh, he's sick of it ..."

Again Steve's body shook with a fit of the giggles at Mike's remark but seeing the stern look Rita sent in his direction as the arm that held the cannula shook as well and made it impossible to inject the syringe, he quickly sobered and held Steve's arm steady for her to continue instead.

"Ok Smiley ... We better get serious now ... Too much laughter turns to tears as my old man used to say ..."

It took Steve several more seconds to stop the giggles from erupting again but when he did, he answered Rita's earlier question as she injected the syringe expertly and without any discomfort whatsoever.

"It's ok as long as I stay still ..."

"What about your stomach? Is it still cramping?"

Steve shook his head slightly.

"No ... It feels better now ..."

"Ok ... That's in ... Now you have to sleep young man. No more talking ok? Or else I'll have to get Mike to come back later when you're more rested. "

Rita smiled as she saw Steve's face turn instantly serious. She had a feeling that remark would quell his giddiness and hopefully get him to do as he was told. Mike too looked suitably admonished and as she pulled the sheet back over him and left the room , Mike leaned in again and spoke seriously.

"Ok hotshot. You heard the lady? Time to sleep. Ok?"

Steve nodded and smiled and with closed eyes, he settled the side of his face deeper into the soft pillow. But then as if he had a sudden dark thought, his eyes snapped open and he stared unnervingly back at Mike.

"Steve? What's the matter ? Are you feeling sick again?" he asked unable to keep the concern out of his voice as he reached for the bell in case he needed Rita back in there fast.

Steve's face softened however and he stopped Mike's hand from reaching for it and shook his head.

"No ... No I'm ok ... But ... are you going to be ok this time ... if I go to sleep?"

Mike smiled at Steve, and nodded his head reassuringly.

"Yes ... I'll be just fine ... No more bed shaking ... I promise."

Steve wasn't convinced and still studied Mike closely.

"You have my word Steve ... Now go on ... SLEEP! Nurse's orders, remember?"

Steve felt easier after Mike gave his word and he closed his eyes and settled better. Still, he listened carefully just in case as he lay there. The sound of the heart monitor was the only sound that broke the silence and within minutes he felt the long day catching up on him and he drifted off to sleep.

Mike sat watching him closely as he finally gave in to the rest he so badly needed. Steve's grip loosened and his breathing slowed and Mike placed Steve's hand back onto the bed and covered him with the sheet up to his shoulders. He leaned back in his chair and began his vigil as the room clock showed just after seven pm.

Several hours passed as Steve slept soundly. Rita had been in and out, checking on him and on her second visit at around nine pm, Steve's temperature had finally come down. While Mike was delighted at the development, Rita warned him that the worst was not over yet. The strong drugs were bringing it down but when they wore off there was always the possibility that it would go back up again. With all her years of experience, Rita felt that realistically it would be mid afternoon to early evening the following day before any real improvement in Steve's temperature would be seen. After all while he had been put on strong antibiotics, they had only been started early that afternoon and it would take at least twenty four hours for them to start being effective.

And so the rest of the night followed Rita's prediction. While Steve slept for most of it, there were times where he had woken up sweating, his head on fire and then times after the drugs were given, when it had come down and he had settled. Mike had slept on and off in the bedside chair beside him and witnessed the intense highs and lows of the long and tough night in Room five. The humor that had been there prior to his sleeping had long since been eroded as the sweats drained him and the fever tortured him.

On one occasion Mike had woken with a fright to Steve yelling. He had felt the young man's forehead and had become alarmed at the heat that had been emanating from it. Rita had arrived and confirmed that the fever had returned and had shot dangerously high. Steve was not very lucid that time, and his words were slurred and incoherent. All Mike could make out was the odd word that broke through Steve's feverish rant with any remnant of clarity. "No ... Stop ... Please ... " and the extra heart wrenching call of Mike's name and at another part Jeannie's. Mike wondered if he was reliving the night of the shooting and it had shook the older man to the core. With Rita's help that time they had had to sponge him down to try and relieve the fever but thankfully Steve was too far under to even know what was happening. More drugs and several spongings later and Steve's fever had finally come down and stayed down for a while. By the time dawn broke, both Mike and Rita looked fit to drop and while Steve was finally sleeping more peacefully, Rita had brought them both a cup of coffee to help them stay awake a little longer. Rita's shift finished at eight am and now at six am she sat and chatted with the man who she could tell in the short time she had known him was an important presence in Steve's life.

When Mike saw her enter with the two steaming cups of coffee he rubbed his hands together and spoke gratefully.

"Rita ... You're an angel. Do you know that? Coffee is just what I need right now ..."

Rita smiled and responded lightheartedly.

"I would imagine that sleep is probably more what you need right now but I have a feeling that's not going to happen until his temperature is down and stays down. Am I right?"

Mike chuckled at her perception.

"Something like that, yes. Mmm ... That tastes good ... Thank you. So Rita, tell me. How long have you been a cardiac nurse?"

"Oh about thirty one years this year. I've spent the last eighteen of them here in Franklin CCU. "

Mike whistled quietly.

"That's a long time. I've been a cop for just over twenty five now."

"Mike, how long have you known Steve?"

Mike smiled as her question brought the first day they had met back into his mind as if it were only yesterday. The first thing he had remembered noticing was the young man's taste in fancy jackets and ties. He had been fairly quiet and VERY polite. Not as rough and ready as some of the detectives he had ever worked with and smart! Too smart for his own good sometimes. He had quickly been labeled "the boy wonder" among the guys at Homicide and he frowned as he remembered the many teasings and pranks he had been subjected to in his first few months as the new boy in the bullpen.

Mike had been unsure of him at first when Olsen had given him his personnel file and he had seen how quickly he had risen through the ranks to finally make Assistant Inspector. The last thing he needed was a know it all college boy as a partner but Olsen had insisted that Mike was the right man for the job and what the boy needed to ground him a little and acclimatize him to life in Homicide. With little choice at first he had taken on the job and in spite of himself over the course of only a few days the boy had earned Mike's respect and admiration and over their partnership together had quickly become the son he had never been blessed with. Along with his precious Jeannie, Steve had become like family and now lay the task of letting his "son" pursue a different career, one where he could longer keep a close eye on him but also one that was not as dangerous and life threatening as the one he had just quit from and for that fact alone he was grateful.

He sipped at his coffee, lost in his memories and thoughts as Rita cleared her throat and tapped his shoulder gently, bringing him back to the present. He startled as he realized that he had been miles away and had rudely not answered Rita's question.

"Oh I'm sorry. I was miles away for a minute there. I guess ... I must be more tired than I thought. Oh yes, you asked me how long I've known Steve. Oh just over four years now. Doesn't sound very long when you say it like that, does it? But well ... when you work in SFPD every year feels a lot longer I can tell you. Irregular hours, few days off and watching each other's backs for a living, well you get to know your partner pretty well."

Mike seemed to drift a little again as he mentioned "watching each other's backs." Nobody was watching Steve's back that night ... He had been sitting at the Hospital desk waiting for Barbara Ross to call instead of being in the car with his partner looking out for him. That memory brought another lump to his throat and he shuddered subconsciously. Rita noticed it and saw the emotion in Mike's eyes.

"It must have been an awful shock for you when you heard he'd been shot and so seriously."

Mike snapped back again to reality at her remark and cleared his throat before answering .

"Yes ... It was touch and go for a while. You know ... I held him in the back of an unmarked squad car all the way here to Franklin. He was bleeding very badly and he felt so cold. I thought ... I mean I really thought for a few horrifying seconds that ... that he was going to die in my arms ... before we even got there ..."

A tear suddenly dropped from Mike's left eye and trailed down his cheek unchecked and Rita set down her coffee and placed a soothing hand on his shoulder.

"But he didn't Mike ... You kept him with you and he survived ... There's no way he'd ever quit on you. I can even see that and I've barely known you both any time at all. "

Mike finally sat up straighter and wiped at his cheek and forced a grateful smile at the kindly nurse.

"That's right ... He did ... But I failed him Rita. I couldn't handle it ... I didn't know what to say to him ... I didn't know how to tell him how sorry I was for not being there for him. For letting him down. I almost lost him and it chilled me to the bone. I focused on work and told myself I was getting justice for him. I told myself that was the best thing I could do. I left all the care and the comforting to my daughter Jeannie and I sent phone messages telling him I was asking for him. Can you believe that? DAMN PHONE MESSAGES! ..."

Mike fisted the arm of the chair in anger and the coffee swilled from side to side in his polystyrene cup and a small amount splashed out onto the front of his shirt. Feeling the hot liquid against his skin he quickly put down the cup and pulled out his handkerchief and started dabbing at it in frustration. Rita jumped up and fetched a wet cloth from the locker and handed it to Mike who graciously accepted it. As he sat trying to remove the coffee stain, a silence fell between them and Rita could tell that he was wallowing in guilt and regret. Mike eventually abandoned the task and scowled at the stubborn stain and spoke first.

"I guess it serves me right, huh? "

Rita placed a hand on his arm.

"No ... You have nothing to feel guilty about Mike. We all react differently to traumatic circumstances in this life and at those times we don't always make the right decisions but in this case you have a second chance to make it right. Steve needs you more than ever now and you can make a huge difference in getting him through the next crucial few weeks until he's back on his feet and he starts to see improvements. As my late husband used to say " You'll never see what's on the road up ahead of you if you spend your life looking behind you. "

Mike smiled and gratefully patted Rita's hand that still lay on his arm.

"Your late husband sounds like he was a very wise man. I'm ... sorry for your loss. "

"He was and thank you. He died three years ago now. It's funny how you tend to remember things they said after they're gone, isn't it?"

"Yes, yes I know what you mean. My wife died ... oh over nine years ago now and I still find myself quoting her all the time."

Rita smiled sympathetically.

"I'm sorry Mike. I didn't realize ..."

"Oh that's alright. I have a daughter Jeannie. She's studying in college in Arizona. And Steve there well ... He's kind of like the son I never had and between the two of them, let's just say my life is never dull ... "

Rita chuckled.

"Do you have any children Rita? "

Rita shook her head but yet didn't seem outwardly sad.

"No, Bob and I never had any. We were too career minded. I worked long hours as a nurse and Bob ... well he was a Doctor and a very fine one too if I do say so myself. We met here in Franklin, would you believe that? There really is such a thing as love at first sight, you know? We were very happy but never blessed. Now the patients are mostly my children. I watch them come in here sick and at their lowest point and I watch them recover and restart their lives stronger than ever. Most of them still keep in touch you know? I get Christmas cards from all over the States. It more than makes up for what me and Bob never had ... Oh listen to me rambling on ... Boring you to tears ... " she flustered as she picked up her coffee and went to stand up and go to do some more work but Mike stopped her.

"No ... Please, don't go yet. You're not boring me at all and anyway there were a few tears there before you even started talking. " he added lightheartedly.

Rita sat back down and smiled. There was something very special about this man that made her feel at ease with him.

"Do you mind me asking what happened to your husband?"

"A car crash ... He went out on an emergency call from the clinic and never came home ... He died instantly they said ... On impact ... A drunk driver ..." Rita spoke sadly and it was the first time Mike had heard any hint of melancholy in her usual upbeat tone since he had arrived into CCU earlier.

"I'm so sorry. My wife Helen ... She had breast cancer ... She only lasted just over a year from her initial diagnosis. It had spread too much ... At least that's what they told me. She was brave though. She fought it as best she could. Two surgeries and sickening bouts of chemotherapy but ... but it won in the end ..."

Rita and Mike sat forlornly together for several minutes, both caught up in the memories of their respective lost loved ones before Rita spoke up again, attempting to shift the mood back on a positive track.

"Oh dear! We have become morbid haven't we? I'm quite sure Bob NOR Helen would want us sitting here moping around, especially not when that young man over there is due to wake up soon needing our utmost attention. "

Again Mike smiled warmly. Rita's tone was back cheerful and positive and he found himself admiring her spirit and dedication to her patients.

"Yes, yes you're right. Listen about Steve ... You said he was prone to depression during his recovery. What exactly did you mean by that? Should we be watching out for signs of that?"

Rita's smile faded and she leaned closer to Mike, keeping her voice low in case Steve could hear.

"Mike ... He's ... already displaying all the signs of it."

Mike's face fell, as those words struck him like a brick.

"What?"

"Mike, he's been through quite a cataclysmic ordeal and it's changed his life drastically. He has already confided in me that he hasn't been able to even speak about the shooting to anyone yet. He's storing up all the pain, his uncertainty of what the future holds, the fear and the upset inside him. He hasn't accepted it yet Mike and until he does and until he releases all the hurt he's keeping to himself he isn't going to start moving forward."

Mike swallowed hard and sunk back further against the back of his chair and turned his face to stare at the motionless young man in the bed. He seemed to be carefully taking in what Rita had just said but ... Steve had always bottled things up, all the time he'd known him. Sure, it wasn't healthy but that was how Steve had always coped with difficult things that had happened in his life. In his own way ... This time would be no different. He would come out the other side and talk about it when he was ready to ... Wouldn't he? ... Or could Rita be right? Was this time too much for Steve to handle alone?

Mike was tossing ideas around his head as he studied Steve closely. Sure he had seemed very upset earlier, more so than Mike had ever witnessed but throughout the day he'd also laughed as always at Mike's bad jokes. If he was THAT depressed he wouldn't have laughed. Would he?

Finally deciding he needed to voice his doubts he spoke.

"I'm not so sure Rita ... I mean sure he seemed a bit down earlier when I got here but ... well that was probably mostly my fault for going missing without telling him and the result of the fever and he's laughed at some of my jokes today ... AND what about before he went to sleep last night ... I mean you saw him didn't you? He was in good spirits then wasn't he? Steve has always kept things bottled up. That's just how he deals with things. He never gets depressed ... just thoughtful. He likes to work things out in his own head and in his own way and time. That's all ..."

"Mike I want you to seriously think about it. All the times he laughed today and was giddy ... Had he been given drugs just before hand? ... And did you instigate the humor or did he?"

Mike frowned as he thought back. Steve had been fairly high on medication most of the times he had been in high spirits. He couldn't deny that. And most of the time he had been the one to instill the humor into their conversations ... But ... the last time ... Steve had joked himself!

"Ok, ok Rita, I'll grant you that yes, most of the times he was giddy did coincide with recently given medication and yes I mostly instigated the humor HOWEVER, last night he was the one who joked, not me. Maybe he turned a corner last night."

Rita didn't want to take away Mike's hope but she didn't want him fooling himself either. It was important that he understood how serious the situation could potentially be. Having worked in CCU for so long she had seen many patient's meltdowns as the stress and upset became too much for them to bear alone. She hoped that wouldn't be the case with Steve but she honestly felt that Steve was close to breaking point and if it came to that, the young man was going to need Mike's support more than ever. She wanted him to be prepared for that possibility should it arise.

"Mike, I hope you're right. I really do ... but experience and gut instinct tells me he hasn't and you need to be prepared for the fact that he mightn't be as upbeat today when he wakes up as he was when he fell asleep last night. He's had a bad night and things are starting to get him down. Personally I think he's close to breaking point Mike and if that happens, he's going to need you more than ever. You also have to ask yourself was he making jokes last night for his benefit ... or yours?"

Mike glanced back at Steve and then looked back at Rita. He HAD been upset at the time. Maybe she WAS right. Maybe Steve had been trying to cheer him up and wasn't actually feeling better at all. But if she was right ... and Steve WAS on the edge of some sort of emotional breakdown then the thought scared him to death .

Looking desperately at Rita, Mike spoke with a definite tone of uncertainty in his voice.

"How can I help him?"

"Just be there for him Mike. If you can get him to talk about things all the better. You could help avert a major emotional crisis but at the end of the day nobody can force him to talk about it so when things get too much and they will I'm afraid. It's just a matter of time. Then just be there and help him through it. It won't necessarily be a bad thing Mike. I think if it happens it will be a blessing in disguise and he can then finally start to put things behind him and move forward without all the emotional baggage he's been dragging around with him. Next we'll have to get him to accept his scar but I already have a plan in place to help him with that."

Rita winked at Mike and smiled warmly just as the door opened and another nurse popped her head around the door.

"Rita, Dr. Kramer is on the phone for you at the nurse's station. He wants an update on Steve's condition."

"Duty calls ..." Rita chimed as she patted Mike's shoulder and left the room.

"Sure ...thanks for the coffee!" he called out after her, as she left.

Mike then pulled his chair back closer to Steve's bed and watched the young man sleep. Still lying mostly on his stomach, he seemed restful but there was still a thin sheen of perspiration on his brow. Mike reached over and laid the back of his hand gently against his forehead and felt a slight warmth returning and frowned. Stroking the young man's brow gently, he whispered.

"Oh Buddy boy ... What am I gonna do with you, huh? I guess I haven't really practiced what I've preached these last four years have I? I've never really opened up about anything that's bothered me and so I never really showed you a good example for that have I? But you're going to have to talk this all out Steve, no matter how hard it proves to be. Rita's right. It will eat you alive if you don't and I don't want to see that happen to you. You and I are going to have to talk it out Steve ... and the sooner the better."

Mike sat back again in his chair and rubbed a hand across his tired eyes. It was almost six forty and the sun was beginning to rise fully. It's tentative first rays were creeping through the blinds and casting their stripes of light across Steve's room. At least it looked like it was going to be a nicer day weather-wise than yesterday. Mike found himself hoping that in every other way this day would prove to be a brighter one for the young man in the bed, who couldn't seem to catch a break at all.