Chapter Fourteen: When You Break

May Twenty-Sixth.

It's the first day of summer vacation. After a week of exams and endless studying I find myself yearning for days of sunshine. More days where I can work at Newton's meaning more money I can put toward college and a life far away from Fork's.

The Sunlight filters through my curtains, a pale pink laying over the room, and it's easy to remember what else today is.

Six years. Six years since my mother promised her heart to the man I love. Six years of Edward Cullen.

Their wedding anniversary has always been bittersweet but especially this year.

Since prom night, Edward's been relatively scarce. I'm not sure if he's doing it consciously but I think he's avoiding me. After weeks of quick hellos in the kitchen and missed dinners I'm almost positive that he is. He's working more and smiling less. He's not shutting me out, he's not like Renee, but he certainly isn't the Edward I've grown accustomed to.

I hear noise floating up from the kitchen as my feet hit the cool floor and think that just maybe I can catch him before he leaves this morning. I'm quick to brush my teeth and hair and striding down the stairs in record time. I turn the corner to find him dressed in uniform and pouring coffee into a thermos.

"Good Morning." I speak soft but it doesn't stop him from startling just slightly, obviously unaware of my quiet approach.

"Good Morning Bella." His voice sounds warm but his eyes don't find mine like usual.

I let my gaze sweep the room, looking for the customary vase of anniversary roses on the table, but I find that they're missing. It's no secret that there's trouble in paradise but I didn't expect this.

"You're working today?" The answer to my question is obvious but I have to talk to him. I need to hear his voice.

"Yeah." Those green irises finally find mine and it's easy to see how tired he is. His eyes are so empty and underlined with dark bags. Has he been sleeping?

"Will you be home tonight? Are you guys going to dinner?" I see it in his eyes, a flash of something. He's surprised that I remembered. But how could I not?

"I'll be home but I'm not sure what the plan is." Apathy, it's written all over his face like permanent marker. Who is this man? What has changed him so much in the last few weeks?

I think back to that night. Back to my suggestive tone, back to his response that I think I must have imagined. Alice never elaborated on what they spoke of regarding Renee, never revealed even the slightest regarding Edward's thoughts on the situation. I wish I knew more. It's strangling to feel so in the dark.

"I better go." His tone is much the same, dripping in quiet indifference.

"Have a good day." I force a smile while I lean against the counter but I'm not the actress that his sister seems to be. He's just across the room but he feels miles away.

And then he's gone, out the door with a quiet 'thanks' and the house feels abundantly emptier.

I'm on autopilot as I prepare, dress, and drive to work. My hands move on their own accord, placing cans of beans and sausage on pale gray shelves. My mind is swimming in a lake of murky thoughts, half developed theories and ideas of what this change in him could mean.

I'm in the stock room, loading another cart with fishing supplies and thinking of only Edward when Mike approaches.

"Good morning beautiful Bella. You're looking extra delectable-"

"Jesus Mike, can you ever just turn the bullshit off?" My tone is harsh and biting and when I steer my steely gaze towards him, his easy smile is falling into a look of shock.

"I…I'm sorry." He holds his hands up in surrender like he did months ago at the New Years party. "I'm really sorry Bella, I was only joking."

His blue eyes are wide and remorseful and I feel the sting of guilt in my chest. Sure, Mike can be an asshole at times but after months of working with him, I know he's harmless.

"No…I know. I'm sorry Mike. It's just been…." I think for the words to describe it. "It's been a rough morning. I shouldn't take it out on you."

He lowers his arms and his expression softens slightly.

"If you want to talk about it…" He doesn't finish his sentence but the sentiment is obvious. I appreciate the offer but Mike is the last person I'd ever spill my heart to.

"Thanks Mike. I think it's best if I just keep working. It helps." He smiles small and nods in understanding.

"I'll be at the register if you need anything." I nod in response, honestly surprised at this version of the boy I thought I knew.

The rest of the day is slow. Mike wears a closed mouth smile every time I look at him, seemingly waiting for me to bite his head off again. When my shift is over I take a detour to the local used bookshop to kill the time and avoid going home to what's sure to be an empty house.

When I finally pull up to my home, the stars are just starting to appear in the dusky sky and both of their cars are waiting in the driveway. It's far from what I expected and the sight is a rock in the pit of my stomach. My feet move slowly over the concrete and up the steps and when I open the door at last, the scene I find only serves to shock me more.

Both of them are here.

They're in the living room with the television on. It's some news segment about foreign affairs, a smiling anchor talking about the possibility of war. Renee is sitting in a chair with a glass of wine and Edward is on the couch with his head in his hands. His gaze snaps to me when the door closes and he looks almost frightened.

"Hi sweetie." Renee's smooth voice floats through the air. The television snaps off, the background noise gone, and I watch as my mother places the remote on an oak side table. "Come in here for a minute please."

Is this a nightmare? I pinch my palm with my nails and swallow hard at the very real pain it causes.

My sneakers squeak over the hardwood and I stop In front of the black TV screen.

I think they may want me to sit but I don't. I stand instead, my arms crossed in hopes of protecting myself from what I fear they'll say. I expect them to talk, to break the news to me, but the silence expands, tense and heavy.

Edward clears his throat and stands. My mother is still sitting, sipping her wine and looking towards her husband expectantly.

"We…we wanted to talk to you Bella. " Another pregnant pause that seems to last forever in the small space that's feeling tighter by the minute. I look down to the floor, to the scratch in the polished wood where I dropped a plate two years ago. It was full of spaghetti and Renee had pitched a dramatic fit. I'd rather be in that moment than this one.

He clears his throat again. "Your mom and I have talked…a lot…and we think it's best if we separate." It's that cold murky water filling my lungs all over again.

"We're divorcing." Her tone is curt and firm and when I find the courage to look at him, he's glaring daggers in her direction. Her lack of tact has always been a pain point between them.

"What…" I don't know what I planned to say. My mind is void of anything coherent.

"I know you probably don't understand sweetie but sometimes, with adults, things just don't work out-"

"Don't condescend to me mother." I don't know where I find the gall to grind the words out but it feels like a small relief. She looks stunned. Perhaps she expected me to lie back and take her false words of concern.

"Bella-" Edwards voice. My eyes fly to his and he still looks too scared, so unlike the strong man I've grown to love.

"Honey, I know you're probably shocked but you don't have to take that tone-" I can't stand to listen to her any longer, to her grating voice, her delusional ideas that her words mean anything to me anymore.

"Shocked? I'm hardly shocked honey." I repeat her endearment the way it sounds in my ears, sickeningly sweet. She takes a literal step back and places a manicured hand to her chest. Don't act so surprised to find that your little girl has a backbone mother. I wish I had the strength to say that as well. Regardless of her mock astonishment, everyone here knew this was a long time coming.

"I can't-" My feet are moving and I'm out the door and ignoring him calling my name.

"Let her go." Renee's voice cuts through the air like ice but I hear the door open behind me and I know he's on my heels.

"Bella where are you going?" His hand grabs my arm but I yank away from his grasp quickly, spinning to face him and his sad green eyes.

"Anywhere but here." I can hear the tears in my voice before I feel them sliding down my cheeks.

"Jesus, Bella, I'm…I'm so sorry." His arm is extended like he's aching to grab me again but I won't let him, not now, not when I'm so close to falling apart.

"You're leaving aren't you?" That's the real reason for my mourning.

He doesn't need to answer. I know that it's the truth. You don't get divorced and stay under the same roof. It doesn't work that way. My brain is wracked with unanswered questions. Why now? Why today of all days?

"I'm staying in the guest room for a few days until I figure some things out."

I breathe deep and try to hold back the sob pressing against my chest. It's final. After everything, he's leaving me. Gone will be his quiet smiles, his gentle touch, his nighttime rescues. I've been trying to push him away for months and now he's leaving for good. I'm a selfish delusional girl to ever think for a second that he would stay for me.

"I'll still be in town, just a phone call away." He sighs and shakes his head before taking another anxious step. "I'll always be here if you need me Bella."

I don't know if I believe him. Even if I do, it won't be the same. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing but I've hardly had the chance to think about it.

"I just need some time." I take another step back, towards my truck, towards my escape, but he stops me again. His hand burns hot against my arm and I want to pull away but I don't immediately. I may never feel this again.

"You shouldn't drive when you're upset." His voice is softer now. He's so close and even under the dark navy sky I can see how worried he is. How does he feel about all of this? Between them, who made the decision to wreck our dysfunctional lives? The questions continue like the never-ending cars of a slow moving train.

I look to his hand on my arm before I respond, to the bloom of warmth where we connect. "I'll be careful. I promise."

He takes a step closer. "Is there anything I can say to make you stay?"

Yes.

"No." I lie to him. Now is certainly not the time for more confessions of earth-shattering magnitude.

I hear him sigh before he speaks. I imagine his warm breath on my face. "Call me if you need me and please …please don't disappear." My eyes find his and they're swirling with more than I can understand.

"Okay." I nod and finally find the nerve to shake out of his clutches.

Everything moves in slow motion -My feet carrying me forward, the old engine groaning to life, Edward's hunched figure fading away as I back out of the driveway.

I drive with no destination in mind. The radio plays a static piano and violin duet and I let if sit in the forefront of my mind, holding back the stampede of thoughts and questions. After half an hour of mindlessness I hit the breaks and park over the rocky gravel. I hadn't consciously thought about it but I knew I'd end up here somehow. The engine cuts and the door squeaks open and slams back closed with an echoing bang. And then its just silence, all encompassing silence.

Here again.

My sneakers crunch over the pebbled rocks but I don't go to the usual perch. Instead, my legs lead my down a small footpath off to the side, a worn dirt trail lined with knee high grass and weeds. I've been there before but I don't remember it. When I reach the bottom, the sight of the glittering black water stops me in my tracks.

If I need somewhere to think about him and her and the thoughts shattering my mind this feels like the best place. The place where the old me died and my heart became forever tied to his.

My shoes slide forward a few more steps, almost to the edge, and then I sit. The damp earth soaks into my jeans immediately but I don't care. I welcome the sensation. It means I'm really here. I'm awake. I'm alive.

Dark eyes stare over dark water and everything comes rushing back, the memories and nightmares and the images in my mind that border reality and dreams so closely. I remember every feeling, every sting and gasping breath. I remember him.

I knew him before that night but not the way I do now. I never saw him clearly until he saved me. Now, after the bomb they've dropped, I'm unsure whether I knew him at all.

Why now? What changed so much to make him leave? I'd always thought he would. A part of me, the selfish part, had hoped I'd be long gone before it happened. Instead he's jumping ship and leaving me with her. My stomach sinks at that dark reality. My home will be an empty shell without him in it.

My lungs inhale the crisp night air and I lean back, lying in the grass and admiring groups of stars between clouds. They're so impossibly far away but shining so bright. It's beautiful and daunting to think about. My problems and worries, which seem so consuming, dwarfed beneath the wide expanse. Hot salty tears leak from the sides of my eyes and into my hair and the grass but I don't attempt to stop them. Everything is damp and soaked with dew and wet earth.

It's over. I might as well accept it. I've always known nothing would happen between us, always known how he must see me. I understand, always have, but I accepted it knowing that I could still have him close. Now he's leaving and I can easily enough predict how the future will play out. Like earlier, he'll vow to be there for me but after weeks and months and years I'll fade into a distant memory. I'll be nothing more that his ex wife's daughter. More tears and I grip the grass with my hands and pull out bunches at a time.

Maybe he will be there if I need him? Maybe he is the man I know, the man I've fallen in love with? Maybe he'll move away? Why has my mother transformed into such a wretch? How can I go on living with her and the person she's become? Why is he leaving me? What now? It's question after question and crying until I can't anymore. When the clouds have submerged the glittering starlight, I finally sit up. I'm cold, my body and mind sore as I stand and carefully make my way back up the dark path, slipping only once.

When I arrive back home her car is gone, the living room lights are on, and I know he's waiting for me. I take a deep breath before I walk inside but no amount of preparation will suffice. He's my strength and my weakness.

He pushes himself up from the couch as soon as I'm through the door. And then he's striding toward me with ruffled hair and purpose in his eyes. It's thrilling and scary and takes my breath away. "Bella, where were you? You've been gone for hours." He reaches out for me again but I sidestep his touch and head toward the stairs. I'm not ready for this, not ready to face him.

"You're covered in dirt." With my back to him he's seen the evidence of my time in the woods. Then is hand is on my arm, gripping tight and spinning me around to face him. I know he'll see them too, the trails my tears left behind. He'll see the confusion in my eyes, the questions unanswered. Will he see how much I love him?

"I needed to think." I'm quiet and then swallowing sharply at the look in his eyes. It's almost as If he's as desperate for answers from me and I am from him.

"You could have answered your phone at least." His free hand is running through his hair, his anxious habit.

"I left it in the truck." His eyes snap back to mine, his hand freezing and then falling from his head, and I see the question there. He wants to know where I was but deep down he knows. He has to know.

"Bella…"

"I'm tired." It's true. It's not sleep I seek but clarity and rest from my own thoughts.

He's nodding and I'm surprised it was so easy. "You're right. Lets sleep on it and we can talk more tomorrow." It's not exactly what I want but I'll take it.

I think he'll let me go, that we'll go to sleep like he suggested but his hand still clutches at my arm so tight. His worried eyes are still searching and I wonder what he's looking for. After a moment too long I look down to his hand and he must notice the movement. He lets me go. The warmth is gone and even though it's May, I'm cold again.

He doesn't say goodnight and neither do I. No matter what either of us says it's not a good night.

It's a living nightmare.

Author's Note: Surprise! Another update! I've had some extra free time this weekend to write and I thought you all deserved to see the next chapter in Bella's life. This one was a bit of an emotional roller coaster (forgive me) but I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and reviewing! I appreciate all of your support.