What I Want
A/N: I'm sorry about the longer than usual delay between chapter. I didn't get as much writing done as usual what with the holidays. Although, I actually did write two new one shots which you guys should check out if you get the chance. Anyway, on to chapter 14.
Chapter 14 – Offerings
**Then**
Jeff Sterling was standing with his back to the bar in Scandals trying to act casual as he slowly nursed his drink and scanned the dimly lit room for Sebastian. It was Jeff's first time at a gay bar and also his first time drinking this much alcohol. This overwhelming combination of firsts wasn't one Jeff had particularly wanted to try, but his roommate, Sebastian Smythe, had insisted that Jeff join him for the evening and had set him up with a fake ID. He had also gently coerced Jeff into using that new ID for several adult beverages, several more than the inexperienced drinker was able to handle. Jeff felt nauseated and he caught his hand shaking slightly as he raised the glass to his lips for another sip. He had wanted to stop drinking two rounds ago, but Sebastian wasn't exactly a person to whom it was easy to say no. Jeff found himself chortling at the absurd notion.
Saying 'no' to Sebastian, as if!
Sebastian had transferred to Dalton at the beginning of the school year. When Jeff had walked into his dorm room that first day his heart had all but stopped at the sight of him. He had been casually lying across one of the two beds, the one he had already taken the liberty of claiming for himself, and wearing nothing but a tight pair of designer black briefs and a confident smile. Sebastian had every reason to be confident about his body as far as Jeff was concerned. If he had even an ounce of extra fat on him Jeff certainly couldn't see it. Instead the tall, lean singer was all hard muscle and well-proportioned lines. Thanks to his snug, and limited, choice of clothing, Jeff also had a good idea that his new roommate wasn't lacking in any other physical capacity either. Thus, thirty seconds after meeting him, Sebastian had already become emblazoned on Jeff's mind and destined to star in countless future fantasies. Jeff had been under his spell ever since. It wasn't just his body that Jeff was interested in though; he also found his self-assured, albeit somewhat cocky, personality very compelling. Add to that the fact that Sebastian was endlessly witty and flirted almost incessantly with Jeff and it was little wonder that he was so firmly entrenched in the blond's head. Unfortunately for Jeff, despite Sebastian's flirting, he had yet to actually make a move. Worse, he had even gently rejected Jeff's advances, leaving the other boy completely at a loss for how to interpret the mixed signals he was receiving.
"Hey there," Sebastian greeted in a low voice as he suddenly appeared directly in front of Jeff and gave him the full impact of his most roguish smile. An instant later Sebastian's arms had slid around either side of Jeff's waist, and were gently gripping the bar behind him. He leaned his face in close, still waiting for Jeff to respond to his earlier greeting as he continued regarding the blond with an intense interest. Drunk or not, Jeff certainly didn't have any trouble interpreting these signals.
"Hi theeer," Jeff drawled back before a look of confusion contorted his face and he found himself wondering why he was speaking that way. A second later he attempted to shift his weight to his other foot and almost fell over on top of Sebastian in the process.
"Whoa, who's a wobbly warbler?" Sebastian asked with a smirk and a cock of his eyebrows. His hands had already darted to Jeff's sides, steadying him. When he was certain the inebriated boy wouldn't try to topple them over again his hands languidly slid from Jeff's sides down to his compact rear. After giving his backside a couple of firm squeezes he hooked his thumbs into Jeff's back pockets.
"I'm sowwy...uh Sorrrrry Sebasssian...God, theeer's alota S's in that," Jeff remarked as his face scrunched up and he tried to mentally count them.
Sebastian snickered and then slowly eased forward, closing the small distance between their faces and gently brushing his lips over Jeff's for the first time. He tasted like raspberries and just a hint of something bitter, remnants of his drink. Though the blond had had ample time to process the situation it still seemed to catch him off guard and Sebastian watched in amusement as his eyes widened in surprise, then lit up with delight before finally closing altogether.
Jeff felt a completely different sense of intoxication as their kiss heated up. He couldn't believe this was happening with Sebastian, the guy he had been pining over for months, the guy he stole longing glances at when they were alone in their dorm room, the guy who could have had - and indeed did have - any guy he wanted. Warmth flooded over Jeff as he wrapped his arms around Sebastian's back. Sebastian wanted him. The dark-haired teen's hands were kneading his ass, his tongue invading Jeff's mouth. It was even better and more intense than Jeff had dreamed of. Through his drunken and lust-filled haze Jeff vaguely caught himself wishing he were sober enough to properly enjoy this long-awaited moment; however, it didn't matter. He had never felt so happy or desired in all his life.
"I think it's time to go," Sebastian whispered as he broke the kiss, but squeezed forward on Jeff's ass, grinding the slender blond's pelvis against his own, their aroused bodies pressing together in a way that caused Jeff's head to spin all over again and left no doubt as to what Sebastian had in mind.
"Oh-Ok," Jeff answered nervously. Unbidden thoughts swept into his head as he felt Sebastian's hardness pressing against his own - the number of times Sebastian had locked him out of their room because he had 'company' over, the way Sebastian had pointedly ignored so many people at the bar tonight who seemed angry at him, most compellingly the way Jeff's best friend Nick had warned him away from Sebastian, insisting that their new captain wasn't the kind of person Jeff should get involved with. Jeff frowned.
"What?" Sebastian inquired in a smooth voice as one hand moved to sweep the blond bangs from Jeff's face so that he could regard him more carefully. As he did so, his other hand moved up to the middle of Jeff's back, tenderly pulling him closer, and using his caresses to completely soothe away the fears and doubts that Jeff had briefly begun to entertain.
"Nothing," Jeff insisted defiantly as he pushed away the intrusive thoughts and allowed himself to melt against Sebastian's fingers. This was different he told himself. Sebastian could have slept with him months ago if that had been all he was after, but instead he had taken the time to get to know him. He had gone to the trouble of taking Jeff out to his first gay bar. He had bought him drinks. Even now he was affectionately taking care of Jeff in his impaired state.
A wide grin broke out over the inebriated Warbler's face. This could only mean one thing: Sebastian must have viewed him as different from his casual hook-ups, as more important or special. Jeff's stomach somersaulted as he considered the possibility that maybe Sebastian truly did like him. Maybe he felt the same way that Jeff did. Jeff leaned his head down against Sebastian's shoulder, a feeling of relief and trust washing over him as his eyes fluttered shut.
It seemed as though Jeff had barely raised his head and blinked before they were suddenly in their dorm room. He looked around in confusion. Sebastian's shirt was now missing and he was tugging Jeff's own button-down out of his pants and teasingly undoing each clasp in slow succession. Jeff shook his head, trying to remember how he had gotten here. He had vague images of standing next to Sebastian in the parking lot of Scandals, remembered a brief moment of clarity when they seemed to be climbing into the backseat of a car – a cab? An instant later he flashed on the memory of a physical sensation that promptly caused a look of surprise and discomfort to grip his face.
"What's wrong, Jeff?" Sebastian inquired gently as he undid the last button and flung his teammate's shirt wide open, raking his eyes, as well as his fingers, slowly down Jeff's lean, lightly-tanned torso. It was by no means the first time he had seen Jeff without his shirt on, the boy often ran laps around the Dalton track shirtless. He also wasn't shy about being in their dorm room before or after a shower without his shirt on. However, this was different; this was the first time Sebastian had gotten to do what he really wanted to do. Sebastian reconsidered that conclusion as he gave his hands free reign to explore Jeff's body. That wasn't quite right. He could have had Jeff anytime he wanted to and he knew it. This was simply the first time he had let himself do what he really wanted to do to his roommate.
"You touched me," Jeff whispered, a blush deepening on his already flushed cheeks. One of Sebastian's hands had moved down to grip Jeff's hip, thumb pressing firmly against his hipbone as he held Jeff's waist close. His other hand was on Jeff's chest, thumb and finger rolling over one of Jeff's dark nipples. Despite his discomfiture, Jeff felt the soft nub hardening beneath Sebastian's expert fingers, until it had become a firm bead which seemed to lustfully press back against Sebastian's hand of its own volition.
"You noticed that, huh?" Sebastian teased as he flicked the now fully erect bud a few times, sending sharp jolts of sensation throughout Jeff's chest before he once again soothed his target with harder rubs.
"Uh, I-I meant...there," Jeff lowered his eyes to his crotch, once again feeling uncomfortable about how fuzzy his memory was, but certain that Sebastian's hand had been in his underwear, stroking his erection as they made out earlier in the backseat of the cab.
"Oh here," Sebastian said with a smug smirk as he pointedly lowered his hand from Jeff's hip and slid it into the front of Jeff's pants without any hesitation, proving to them both that Jeff was his for the night and could be touched whenever and wherever suited Sebastian. He gave his soon-to-be-lover's engorged shaft a few experimental strokes before wrapping his fingers around the end and firmly brushing his thumb back and forth across the swollen head, rapidly reducing Jeff to whimpers.
Part of Jeff still wanted to protest. He felt like they were going too quickly, like Sebastian shouldn't be touching him this way in his barely coherent, drunken state. However, Jeff had longed for Sebastian's touch for quite some time and the way the other boy was exploring his body felt so good and so right. It was just what Jeff had wanted from Sebastian all along. Perhaps he had even given his consent at some point and forgotten. Either way it felt blissfully good and this was Sebastian doing it. Jeff's head was spinning and it was difficult to focus, much less express verbal sentences. He felt himself once again relinquishing complete control of himself to Sebastian.
Jeff wasn't sure what happened next but when he slipped into awareness again, both he and Sebastian were naked on his bed, him on his back and Sebastian kneeling between his thighs. He felt a cold, wet sensation brush between his legs and realized that it had been this rush of feeling that had snapped him back to a state of semi-clarity.
Jeff gasped as he looked up and took in the sight of Sebastian's beautiful, aroused body. Sebastian always looked good, but right then he looked unspeakably delicious. Desire coursed through Jeff's veins and he once again cursed himself for having so many drinks. He would have given anything to remember the intervening moments, but they were a hazy blur. Abruptly one of Sebastian's slick fingers penetrated Jeff and he once again refocused on the reality of the situation, fear gripping him.
"Wha...What's happppening?" Jeff asked in a panicked voice, or at least it was meant to be panicked. It came out more casually slurred.
"We're about to have sex," Sebastian purred as he leaned forward and started nibbling at Jeff's ear. "You want that don't you?"
Jeff's eyes widened and he once again became aware of Sebastian's slippery finger sliding inside of him. He felt terrified. This was something he had never done before and he couldn't understand how things had already progressed to this point. They hadn't even started the night as a couple and only a short time ago they had shared their first kiss. Jeff was frustrated that he could barely remembered everything that had led up to this moment. Shouldn't this experience be something he could easily and vividly recall for the rest of his life? As it was he felt like he would be lucky if he didn't pass out during it.
"I-I dunno know...I've never..."
"Really? Not even with Nick?" Sebastian asked, somewhat surprised, though also enjoying the fact that he was about to deflower a virgin.
"Nicksss straigh," Jeff slurred as he thought about his best friend and once again remembered his warnings about Sebastian. He awkwardly tried to sit up, Sebastian's finger still inside of him.
"But you suck each other off right?" Sebastian inquired as he continued prodding Jeff with his digits.
"Yeah but...I dunno...But weee havn't," Jeff mumbled, not quite sure himself why they hadn't taken that final step given how many other sexual things they had experimented with together. He had to admit this felt way too soon to be doing with Sebastian, but doing it with Nick would have felt a lot more natural.
"Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, Jeff," Sebastian said as he pushed the blond back down onto his back and leaned over him. "Because I can do things with you Nick can't."
"You want me?" Jeff asked furrowing his brow and clinging feebly to the wrist of Sebastian's free hand, the one that wasn't still working him over.
"Yes, I do," Sebastian confirmed as he pulled his hand free of Jeff's clumsy grasp and reached for the condom he had already lain out. Seconds later his other hand also ceased its preparations of Jeff's body. It was time.
"Okay," Jeff said with a shrug, at a loss for what else to do.
Jeff started to drift out of awareness again, but then an instant later he felt a sharp stab of pain that had his eyes shooting wide open and a yelp escaping his throat.
"It hurts!" Jeff cried out, as he tried to scramble higher on the bed in a desperate effort to get away from Sebastian's cock. To his dismay the much more nimble, alert teen simply repositioned with him, staying firmly in place.
"Sshhh," Sebastian soothed, leaning down to press a kiss to his lips. A few moments later he shifted back up to his knees, pushing in deeper in the process and eliciting another pained whimper from Jeff. "It's going to be okay, Jeff. Just breathe and relax. It gets better."
"But it really hurts," Jeff whined again, feeling himself starting to break out into a sweat, his eyes still wide and frantic.
"That's normal, but I promise you're going to like it in a little while. Then you're going to be begging for it."
"Can we just stop?" Jeff asked, gritting his teeth and starting to wish the whole night had never happened. It was all he could do to keep a fragile grasp on his composure. He was on the edge of dissolving into tears and outright pleading for Sebastian to stop, but a firmer, more insistent side of his brain was still winning out, reminding him that this was basically the night he had been fantasying about since he had met Sebastian. The last thing he wanted to do was embarrass himself even more and make Sebastian completely lose interest in him.
"Of course we can stop," Sebastian answered, making no move to withdraw. "I'd never force you, Jeff. But it would be a shame to stop now. You're in for a world of pleasure if you just hang on a little longer."
"O-okay," Jeff answered in a shaky voice, still reluctant to disappoint the other guy. He tried to focus on the fact that this was Sebastian here with him like this. Inside of him. That had to mean something really significant, and anyway the pain was starting to become more manageable now.
"Better?" Sebastian asked, a little while later, noting the way Jeff's face had relaxed slightly. Jeff nodded so Sebastian began rolling his hips, gradually increasing his speed.
Soon Jeff was crying out again, groaning and panting with every move Sebastian made. It still hurt, but he was also starting to feel hints of what Sebastian had promised. Mostly it was just intense. He was flooded with sensation and feelings and he barely had the capacity to put a label on any of them. Good, bad, pleasure, pain, fear, trust, arousal - all he knew was that he was utterly swept up in Sebastian. He forced himself to spread his legs further apart and relax against the bed, feeling a growing desire to simply give himself to Sebastian completely, to let him do and take whatever he wanted.
And Sebastian did take it. He bucked into Jeff hard and fast, his fingers digging into Jeff's hips, as he held him place. He watched with satisfaction as Jeff's head rolled back and his groans and whimpers became moans and pleas. All at once Jeff's hand traveled to his dick and he began jerking himself off with quick, frenetic strokes.
"Jeff, if you do that you're going to-"
Sebastian didn't get a chance to finish his statement - or his fuck - as Jeff gasped and he felt the lanky blond's ass clench around his cock. Moments later he was crying out his release and shooting all over his chest and flat stomach, the cum pooling in rivulets around the subtle groves of his abs.
Sebastian continued plowing into him, searching in vain for his own release, until Jeff was once again pleading with Sebastian to stop, his body too sensitive and exhausted to take the flood of sensations any longer. Sebastian cursed and pulled out, ripping the condom off, and glaring at Jeff. "You came too soon. I wasn't ready."
"I-I'm sorry," Jeff apologized in a sad, shaky voice. He was ashamed that he had disappointed Sebastian, and mortified by his lack of control. Suddenly he felt like crying all over again for messing up his first time.
"Show me what Nick taught you," Sebastian demanded as he laid down next to Jeff on the bed and looked at his cock pointedly.
Jeff nodded and rolled over onto his hands and knees, trying to ignore the sore throb he still felt in his ass, and the rising nausea in his stomach. He sealed his mouth around Sebastian's erection, pleased to be sucking on the beautiful organ despite the lingering, unpleasant taste of latex. Jeff was alarmed a little while later when Sebastian's hands gripped the back of his head and he began thrusting into his mouth hard and fast, quickly causing the drunk blond to begin gagging.
Oh god, please no. Don't throw up. Don't throw up, Jeff pleaded with himself as he began to panic. Soon Sebastian was erupting down his throat, making Jeff focus with every fiber of his consciousness on swallowing. He swallowed and swallowed, and at some point he was pretty sure he did start to vomit but managed to choke it back down.
"I'm done," Sebastian said simply as he pushed Jeff's head away and wasted no time in rolling off the bed and beginning to clean up.
"Was it okay?" Jeff asked anxiously as he watched Sebastian with a reverent awe. He was still beautifully naked and only barely softening as he gathered up his discarded clothes.
"I guess," Sebastian answered with a shrug as he tossed the clothes into his hamper and sat down on his own bed.
Jeff awkwardly stood and crossed the small room taking a seat next to Sebastian on his bed and leaning against him. Nick was the only person he had ever been sexual with before, but they always cuddled and relaxed after their releases, and Jeff's body was practically aching to be held, especially after the experience he had just had for the first time.
"What are you doing?" Sebastian demanded, scooting away from Jeff and giving him a hard look.
"Um...I thought we could...uh..." Jeff blushed as he trailed off. He felt more vulnerable than ever and Sebastian's reaction felt like a comment on his sexual performance.
"I don't like to touch after sex," Sebastian stated, not exactly in a hostile voice, but in a tone that left no room for argument. "You're drunk and tired. Just go back to your own bed and go to sleep."
Jeff nodded and clenched his jaw, refusing to let any tears fall until the lights were out and he had buried himself under his covers. He wished he still felt as drunk and disoriented as he had been earlier. Slipping out of consciousness again and into a numb, drunken haze sounded like an excellent idea.
-000-
**Now**
"I'm broken," Sebastian announced dramatically as he walked into Dr. Johnson's office first thing Monday morning. His normal session was scheduled before the start of the school day, already the first appointment in her day, but he had called her the night before, insisting that he had an emergency and needed to get started an hour earlier for a double-long session. Dr. Johnson had readily agreed. After all Sebastian was hardly the first patient she ever had who needed a special session.
"I'm sorry to hear that, Sebastian," Dr. Johnson answered sympathetically before a sarcastic smile pulled at the corner of her mouth and she continued. "Would you like me to have you fixed?"
Sebastian rolled his eyes at her, but took a seat. He took his time filling her in on the events that had happened with Sam since the week before, as well as the drama at school, and the pair of unsettling conversations he'd had with his father and brother. She didn't interrupt, merely nodded and listened carefully, taking it all in. When he was finally finished he sighed and looked over at her expectantly. This was the part where she was supposed to offer him some genius insight into his problems that he could use to solve the whole thing.
"Well?" he demanded impatiently when she continued regarding him quietly, saying nothing.
Dr. Johnson took another thoughtful deep breath before settling on her approach. "When you came in this morning, you said you were broken."
"Yeah," Sebastian nodded, obviously annoyed at what felt like a delay. "I just finished telling you how fucking broken everything is. I might get expelled, my brother and father are planning God knows what, and Sam won't even take my calls."
"Yes, but you didn't say your school life was broken, or your relationships were broken. You didn't even say your life in general was broken. You said you were broken. What did you mean by that?"
Sebastian glared and shrugged. "I don't know. I wasn't really thinking about it when I said it."
"Well think about it now, Sebastian," Dr. Johnson urged patiently. "In what way do you feel broken?"
"I'm not broken!" Sebastian snapped folding his arms over his chest and resisting the impulse to just get up and walk out. "Quit putting words in my mouth."
"But those exact words did come out of your mouth," Dr. Johnson pointed out.
"Fine. I'm broken because I'm so messed up that I'm sitting here listening to my overpaid therapist quibble about semantics instead of trying to do damage control on my horrifically fucked up life."
"How did your life get fucked up?" Dr. Johnson inquired, perfectly comfortable using his own words.
"I just told you how it's fucked up."
"But how did it get fucked up to begin with?" She pressed.
"Are you saying this is my fault?" Sebastian asked, narrowing his eyes on her as he saw where she was going.
"No, you're saying it's your fault, and I want to find out why."
"Fine!" Sebastian shouted, before taking a few calming breaths and regaining control of his temper. "Fine. I guess I feel guilty about what happened with Sam because I know it was my fault. I'm broken and that's why we didn't work out."
"Do you think Sam is the kind of person who would forgive you for making some mistakes?"
"For making some mistakes sure, but I built our whole relationship on lies. But that wasn't really my fault. I didn't know we were even going to have a relationship so I didn't know it would be a problem. Nevertheless, why should he forgive me for everything?"
"Why should he?" Dr. Johnson asked back.
"He shouldn't," Sebastian answered with a frown. "I'm just not boyfriend material. He's better off."
"But if you were boyfriend material then he would have a reason to forgive you?" Dr. Johnson inquired.
"I guess. Maybe. But I'm not, so what does it matter?"
"Sebastian?" Dr. Johnson prompted gently.
"Yeah?"
"Do you want to be with Sam?"
Sebastian closed his eyes and sighed, trying to resist the roil of pain that washed over him as he got his answer. It was all wrong. It was something he should have never wanted, something that should have never interested him in the first place.
"Yes, I do," he admitted, clenching his teeth slightly and reopening his eyes but refusing to look at her.
"Then, become boyfriend material," Dr. Johnson stated as if it were the simplest thing in the world.
"And just how am I supposed to do that?" Sebastian demanded, glaring at her again. "Besides, yes, I admit that I do want to be with Sam, but should I really change for one person? Wouldn't it make more sense, be healthier even, for me to just get over him and go on with my life?"
"Do you regret what happened with the Warblers?" Dr. Johnson asked, changing tack.
"What?...I don't want to talk about the Warblers right now. I want to finish talking about Sam."
"Just answer me, Sebastian. Do you regret yelling at Dave, Trent, and the others?"
Sebastian thought it over for a few seconds. "No, not really. I regret going too far and getting into trouble, but I don't think that's what you mean."
"Well what if Sam had flipped out on them and said those things? Do you think he would he regret it?"
"Sam doesn't even have the vocabulary to say most of the things I said," Sebastian answered with a smirk and a dismissive shrug before continuing. "Hypothetically he would regret it, but he wouldn't have done it in the first place."
"Well what if you had said all of that to Sam instead of to your teammates? Would you have regretted that?"
A shocked look crossed Sebastian's face. "I know I'm an ass, but I would never have said anything like that to Sam. Of course I'd feel awful if I had."
"So why is it okay to say it to the Warblers but not to Sam?"
"Because I actually give a fuck about Sam...that's kinda the reason I was upset about the break up in the first place. Where is this even going?"
Dr. Johnson smiled and decided to express her theory; she knew her patient wouldn't indulge her much longer.
"Your problem isn't how you feel about Sam. It's how you feel about other people, and if you fixed that, then you'd probably be 'boyfriend material' in general, just like were you discussing."
"So because I...sort of like Sam now, I'm supposed to magically give a shit about everyone else too?"
"It's not magic, Sebastian. It's really quite straightforward. You like Sam. He likes you. This mutual liking gives you each the power to hurt the other, but because you do care about each other, you try not to do it, and when it does happen you feel bad about it. You understand that right?"
"Of course I understand that," Sebastian snapped, not appreciating what he interpreted as a condescending tone.
"Well it works that way with everyone else too, even if you like each other in different ways, or only have a more casual, social relationship with each other. Think about your roommate Jeff."
"Eww! Do I have to?" Sebastian asked with an exaggerated shudder.
"He basically feels, or at least felt, the same way about you that you and Sam feel about each other. Imagine how hurt you would be if Sam had treated you the way you treated Jeff. Imagine how guilty you would feel if you had treated Sam that way," She gave him a hard, expectant look, waiting for a response.
"It would suck," he conceded.
"Then why is it okay to treat Jeff that way?" Dr. Johnson asked.
"But I-"
"No, listen," Dr. Johnson cut him off, set on finishing her point. "Now think about Dave Karofsky. What if instead of Dave, Sam had been outed, bullied, and then tried to commit suicide instead? How would you feel about that?" She took the pained expression that formed on his face in response as answer enough and continued. "Or try this, imagine yourself in your most vulnerable state, maybe after your first time with Sean when he blew you off."
"Hey!" Sebastian barked, angry that she was bringing up his past so flippantly.
"Well think about the way you felt then, but what happened when your brother found out?"
"Felony assault?" Sebastian quipped, glad for a chance to lighten the mood.
Dr. Johnson snickered and smiled. "Yes, because you were hurting and in his own way Michael was trying to make you feel better. He was looking out for you."
"I know," Sebastian answered simply. "We talk shit and give each other a hard time, but we basically do look out for each other."
"Well now imagine if instead of offering support he had used your vulnerability against you to make fun of you and hurt you even more...kind of like what you did to Dave Karofsky?"
"Well I'm not Dave Karofsky's fucking brother, and Jeff isn't my boyfriend. I don't owe them anything. I wouldn't treat Michael and Sam that way. Isn't that enough?"
"No Sebastian, it isn't. And we may be discussing these hypothetical situations, but you're still not really empathizing with the people involved. Actually take some time and try to feel how they must have felt. Then tell me why it was okay for you to hurt them like you did."
-000-
Sam checked his phone as he walked out of his American History class and headed down the hallway for lunch. Predictably he had a couple of missed calls and a text messages from Sebastian. The Warbler had been calling and texting him all weekend and by the looks of things he wasn't stopping as the school week started. Sam felt his resolve wavering and barely managed to resist responding. Instead he read the two texts that Blaine had sent him, and focused on their positive, supportive words. He was grateful to his friend for all the encouragement he had given him, and he couldn't get over how amazing Blaine was being about the whole thing. The black-haired crooner had actually provided him with more support over his break up with Sebastian than Sam had gotten from all his other friends over his ex-girlfriends. Sam's parents had really been the only ones to give him extra support when he'd broken up with the girls.
Sam stopped walking and shook his head in confusion as he looked at his missed call list, wondering if he was seeing things correctly. Just as he had been thinking about his parents he noticed a missed call from his mother. It certainly did seem real enough, though oddly timed. Sam found himself reconsidering his decision not to talk to his parents about his break up with Sebastian. He felt like it would be way too embarrassing, but on the other hand Sam was close with his parents and as great as Blaine had been, Sam felt like there was no one quite like his mom or dad when it came to soothing his hurt feelings.
Still unsure whether or not he would follow through on actually confiding in her, Sam dialed his mother back.
"Hi baby!" Mary greeted fondly as she answered the phone.
"Hey mom," Sam answered as he stepped into an alcove so that he could hear better and have more privacy. "You called?"
"Yep, Stacey accidentally left her latest art project at home so I went back to pick it up for her on my lunch break."
"Oh that's nice. What did she make?" Sam asked conversationally, deciding his mother must have just called him to chat.
"A Play-Doh sculpture of her school playground," Mary answered before shifting topics. "But guess what I found when I got home."
"Uh, a Play-Doh sculpture?" Sam guessed, wondering if this was some kind of trick question to see if he was paying attention.
"Well yes," Mary conceded. "But also a package to you from Sebastian."
Sam's eyes widened and he felt like his heart had just jumped into his mouth. This was certainly a surprise to say the least and he had no idea why Sebastian would have been sending packages to his home in Kentucky instead of to the Hudson-Hummel residence.
"Did you open it?" Sam asked in a tight voice, still unsure how to interpret the situation.
"Of course not, dear!" Mary declared emphatically. "You know I wouldn't violate your privacy like that! ...but, I did bring it back to work with me. You know, in case you wanted me to open it for you or send it to you or something. Would you like me to check and see what it is?
Sam could hear the excitement and enthusiasm in her voice, and he knew it had probably been difficult for her to contain her curiosity this long. He decided that whatever was in the box, if Sebastian was sending it to his parents' address it must be something acceptable for a parent to see, so he decided to let his own curiosity get the better of him. "Sure mom, go ahead please."
He heard the sound of his mother putting down the phone and rustling around with something in the background. A little while later she squealed with delight and came back on the phone.
"You'll never guess what it is, Sammy!" she exclaimed.
Sam resisted the urge to guess 'Play-Doh sculpture?' and instead merely inquired, "what?"
"A brand new iPad!" she announced happily. "That was certainly sweet of him! I wonder why he sent it here though? Doesn't he have your current address?"
Sam's head was spinning at the news and before he could stop himself he started thinking about how much fun he would have playing with the new gadget. As soon as he caught himself he promptly shoved those thoughts aside, however, and began to reflect more on the obvious implication. Clearly Sebastian was trying to gift his way out of trouble, and the realization only served to piss Sam off even more.
"I'm not sure, mom," Sam answered noncommittally.
"There's a card here too. Would you like me to read it?" Mary asked, still eager for more information and already trying to guess at the likely thoughtful contents of the message.
"...I guess," Sam answered, completely unsure.
"Dearest Sam," Mary read aloud. "Aww, isn't that sweet?!" she declared once again living vicariously through their relationship. "Anyway, 'Dearest Sam, please accept this gift as a small token of my affection. It tears me up to know that I hurt you,'" Mary paused again, frowning. "Hurt you? What happened Sam? - uh anyway, 'tears me up to know that I hurt you. I'm deeply sorry. Please forgive me. Yours, Sebastian.'"
Sam sighed and scowled at the wall he was facing. He half-wished he hadn't told him mom to open the present. He wanted it, but he knew he couldn't accept it. Not when Sebastian had obviously only sent it in an attempt to buy him off, and especially not considering the fact that he still had no intention of forgiving Sebastian and resuming their relationship.
"Sam, what happened?" Mary repeated when her son didn't speak for a little while.
"We had a fight," Sam stated simply, hoping she would let him get by with the vague answer.
"I gathered that," Mary said in a tone that was both sarcastic and consoling in only the way that a mother can manage.
"I don't really want to talk about it," Sam said awkwardly. "But we're not together anymore, and I can't keep it."
"Aww sweetie, listen, I'm not trying to make you talk about it, that's your prerogative, but I remember how serious you were about this boy. Hell, so serious you were willing to be with him even though he is a boy. Now maybe you have every right to be mad at him and not forgive him, and of course I'm completely on your side, but take it from someone who has quite a few fights and make ups under her belt: don't let your pride get in the way of something special. And goodness, you could certainly do worse when it comes to apology gifts. Most people are lucky to get a box of chocolates or a handful of flowers."
"I don't want him to think he can just whip out his credit card and make everything alright," Sam answered sharply, wondering what his mother would think if she actually knew the full story.
Mary smiled into her phone, proud of her son's integrity. "That's certainly a valid point, dear. Maybe he really is sorry though. Just consider that too, okay? Anyway, would you like me to send the iPad to you so that you can decide what to do with it?"
"Is that okay? I know it'll probably be kinda expensive to send."
"It's fine. I'll send it on my way home from work," Mary answered. "And Sam?"
"Yeah mom?"
"You know you can always come to me or your father if you need to talk."
"I know, and thanks. I'm just not ready to right now."
-000-
Sebastian was lying on his bed, the light in his dorm room off and the curtains drawn. He hadn't gone to any of his morning classes. Instead he kept replaying various conversations and experiences over and over in his head as he thought about what Dr. Johnson had told him. It was a strange experience for him, intentionally trying to make himself feel guilty. Guilt and remorse weren't a typical part of his psychological profile and he wanted nothing more than to just ignore his therapist's words and go on about his day.
He couldn't. She had made the exercise irresistibly tempting by implying that if he succeeded he would have a chance of getting Sam back. Although, he wasn't even sure what exactly he was supposed to do if it worked. Take his heavy conscience and lay it before Sam's feet like some kind of emotional offering? It didn't entirely make sense, but he also found that now that the seeds had been planted in his head they were difficult to resist in their own right. Sebastian was nothing if not intellectually curious, and if someone told him to think about something, or explicitly told him not to think about something for that matter, if the topic was sufficiently complex and involved it always yielded the same result: he thought about it.
And so it was that he continued reflecting. He had already gone through everything that happened with Sam – several times. He had also replayed the way he had verbally attacked Dave and the insults he had spewed at Trent that morning. However, what he was currently thinking about was Jeff. It intrigued him that Dr. Johnson thought there was some kind of connection, or at least some similar set of circumstances, between his relationship with Sam and his past hook up with Jeff. His feelings about the two guys were utterly and completely different. He really didn't give a damn about Jeff, whereas his feelings for Sam had been strong enough to initiate this whole damn introspective mess. Still, he tried to focus on what Dr. Johnson had said, more on how Jeff must have felt about him, and their hook up, than on how he himself felt about Jeff.
To Sebastian's surprise he found himself deciding that the situation really had sucked for Jeff. If Jeff had truly wanted him and cared about him in a way similar to how Sebastian felt for Sam, then it really must have been agonizing. He also had to concede the point that he hadn't exactly made Jeff's first time having sex a completely good experience. He hadn't felt like he was doing anything wrong at the time, but in retrospect he probably could have been more sensitive.
Suddenly there was a noise at the door as a key slipped into the lock and before Sebastian fully had time to even process what was happening the object of his contemplation was entering the room. Naturally Jeff's first action was to flip on the light switch. Sebastian watched him comically jump back and raise his hand to his chest as he realized he wasn't alone after all.
"Whoa, you scared me," Jeff exclaimed as he tried to slow his racing heart. "I just came by to get my trig book, then I'll be on my way," Jeff said a little coolly, not wanting to stick around or bother to ask why Sebastian was lying alone in a darkened room in the middle of the day, fully dressed and apparently not asleep.
"Uh...I'm sorry," Sebastian muttered, glad that his statement could be interpreted to apply to the startle he had given Jeff, and hoping it would be enough to alleviate his new sense of guilt where the other boy was concerned.
Jeff shrugged and strolled over to his desk, gathering up his book and binder and stuffing them into his bag. As Sebastian watched him he realized to his disappointment that the casual apology hadn't actually done much to change his mood or take away his guilt. Dammit, maybe he would have to actually tell Jeff what he was apologizing for.
"Jeff, you have a few minutes? I want to talk," Sebastian said as decisively as he could. Uncomfortable or not, he was never one to feel awkward or uncertain.
"I'm on my way to meet Nick for lunch," Jeff offered as an excuse.
"Just for a little while?" Sebastian pressed, sitting up on his bed and patting the space next to him.
Jeff frowned but reluctantly sat down, at his desk instead, pulling the chair out to face Sebastian but staying well back. He was already dreading whatever Sebastian had to say, and no way did he want to be within arms reach of him when he said it.
"Sam and I broke up Friday. That's why I was in such a bad mood Saturday morning," Sebastian stated, watching Jeff carefully for a reaction. He was angry to see a hint of a smile cross Jeff's face before the blond schooled his countenance into a more neutral mask.
"Sorry to hear that. I liked Sam," Jeff answered with forced sympathy in his voice. It was true that he did find Sam pleasant and likable, but he still couldn't work up much disappointment for their failed relationship. His main concern was what any of it had to do with him and why Sebastian was bothering to talk to him about it.
"Yeah well, my therapist pointed out something that put things into perspective."
"What's that?" Jeff asked dutifully.
Sebastian sighed and gritted his teeth, hating how difficult this was. "That my feelings about Sam were probably similar to your feelings about me."
Jeff's mouth dropped open slightly in surprise, but he promptly shut it and stiffened in his chair, subconsciously folding his arms over his chest in a gesture of self-protection.
"So, I...Well I..." Sebastian trailed off, looking at Jeff and praying he would just get where he was going with this and save him from the discomfort of having to spell things out and apologize properly. To his chagrin the backup Warbler remained silent, forcing Sebastian to continue. "So I know that must have been very unpleasant for you."
"Then why are you bringing it up?" Jeff asked defensively, arms still crossed over his chest as he pushed his chair further back, away from Sebastian.
Sebastian took a deep breath and made himself meet Jeff's eyes. "Because I'm sorry I hurt you."
Jeff's eyes widened at the unexpected words, and the even more unexpected sincerity that seemed to underlie them. He fought a dozen different emotional reactions – confusion, sadness, relief, vindication, joy, anger, suspicion, hope, ambivalence – eventually he settled on anger.
"You didn't hurt me, Sebastian," Jeff said in a cheerful voice.
"Oh good," Sebastian exclaimed in genuine relief.
"You ripped my heart out and flushed it down the toilet," Jeff finished, glowering at his roommate. He didn't like how vulnerable the declaration made him feel, but the shocked and then guilty look on Sebastian's face made it worth it.
Sebastian was at a loss for what else to say. He had already apologized. What was he supposed to do now? "Sorry," he repeated, hoping a second apology might do the trick.
"You're not sorry," Jeff sneered. "You don't give a crap about me. You never did. I know what you're trying to do here, and it's really messed up and wrong."
"What? No, that's...well okay yeah, I never did care before, but seriously, I'm sorry...What do you think I'm trying to do?"
"Get me to make Nick and the others drop their complaints so you don't get in trouble," Jeff answered, still locking a cold glare on Sebastian and pleased with himself for spotting his roommate's manipulations for what they were.
"That's not it at all!" Sebastian exclaimed standing up. "Honestly, that never even crossed my mind. I'm really just trying to apologize here."
"Fuck you, Sebastian," Jeff snapped as he got up from his own seat and glared back at the other singer.
"Jeff, I mean it," Sebastian insisted desperately as he reached out and placed a hand on Jeff's shoulder, before continuing in a softer voice. "Really, I'm sorry I hurt you."
"Don't touch me!" Jeff yelled, flinching away from the contact. "You can't just fucking touch me, you asshole!"
"Jeff, please just listen-"
"Fuck off!" Jeff shouted as he yanked his book-bag off the desk and stormed out of the room.
Sebastian stared after him at the closed door, utterly confused about what had just happened. He had basically just been genuinely nice to Jeff for the first time ever, and somehow that had been what made him flip out and actually tell Sebastian off when every time in the past he had always been friendly and nice, or at least pleasant and complacent. If that was the type of response he got from being nice to people, Sebastian was beginning to think he was better off sticking with his evil bastard routine.
-000-
End Note: Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I feel like it wasn't one of the more exciting ones. It's mostly transitional I guess you could say. Although, I do see it as a turning point for Sebastian. Anyway, feedback is welcome. Next chapter should be more action and drama packed. Among other (hopefully) interesting developments, Sam and Michael meet for the first time, and Sebastian faces a roomful of angry Warblers.
On another note, after last chapter I received several comments about the sexual tension between Sam and Blaine. I felt it too actually. They were just squirming to get all over each other, so what could I do but let them? LOL, not in the What I Want plot though. Check out "Afternoon Delight" which is an AU smut piece that directly spins off from the scene last chapter.
I also felt like doing a Christmas story, and I wanted to write a lighter, fluffier Sam/Sebastian piece, so I hope you guys will check that out too. It's called "Sebastian's Christmas Gift." It was fun to write because I finally got to write them as an actual established couple rather than the prolonged angsty pairing I've been doing, lol.
Thanks so much to everyone who read, reviewed, followed, or favorited since last chapter! Happy early New Year (/Silvester Simon :-D)! Be safe and have fun everyone!