"Hyuu, you look lovely, Sotiri-chan!"
"Do you really think so, Fai-sama?"
The girl spun around, showing off the pretty blue kimono that had been made for her to wear when they arrived in Nihon.
"Of course I do! You look absolutely beautiful. But stop calling me Fai-sama. Just call me Fai, or Fai-san if you must. We're equals, so you don't need to be so formal."
She blinked, still unused to the feeling of being equal.
"Fai-san...I..."
Fai hugged her tightly.
"In three days, we'll be getting on the ship to Nihon. A whole new beginning for you, little one."
Kurogane watched them over the bottle as he drank. Fai had certainly jumped happily into the role of mothering Sotiri (who seemed to accept Fai's change of gender with absurd ease). Maybe the blonde had missed this, missed being around kids? Suddenly he found himself wondering if Fai wanted children of his...her...own. He had a mental image of Fai pregnant and thought his eye may have twitched. He took a long drink and tossed the thought away before the trauma could become permanent...or before he could start thinking he'd very much like to see Fai carrying his child...He shook his head fiercely and suddenly realized the others were giving him strange looks.
"What are you looking at?!"
Fai rapped him on the head with a book he was holding for some reason.
"Kuro-sama, whatever weird things you're thinking, quit thinking them around poor sweet Sotiri."
"Idiot! What are you doing with that book? And I'm not thinking anything weird!"
"Don't think I can't tell when you're thinking something strange, Kuro-puu. And as for the book, I'm teaching Sotiri good posture."
Kurogane watched with amusement as the wizard carefully balanced the book atop Sotiri's head and began making her walk around, with many a stumble and crash as the book repeatedly fell.
"What's the point of that?"
"Well, she's going to be one of Tomoyo's handmaidens, so she needs to practise walking straight and tall."
"What nonsense are you talking now, witch?"
"Witch? Really, Kuro-tan, you say that so meanly. Don't worry, Tomoyo will accept her right away, if I ask."
Kurogane didn't even argue; he knew perfectly well Fai was right. All of a sudden he remembered that Tomoyo didn't know what had happened to Fai. He cringed. He could just imagine the delight with which the princess would take in the new information. She'd probably make it her life's goal to see them married within a couple of months, knowing her. Privately, Kurogane was not entirely opposed to the thought...but he was nowhere near ready to admit that, or seriously contemplate the prospect. He had a feeling he was going to have to go into hiding when they got back to Nihon.
"I don't know why we've had to stay here so long anyway...the Empress signed the treaty on the third day, so what's the point of staying a whole month?"
"It's fun, Kuro-tan, to explore new places. We can tell Syaoran-kun all about it next time we see him, he's just like his father; always likes hearing about different countries."
Kurogane almost groaned. Another thing he'd forgotten about...the kids and the cream puff. How would they react to Fai's new form? Syaoran would probably be surprised but accepting, Sakura would probably be delighted, and the white thing...he nearly shuddered at the thought. The white thing would be worse than Tomoyo, if that was possible.
Suddenly Fai sat down in his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him thoroughly. He responded readily, despite being surprised...until he suddenly remembered that Sotiri was still in the room. Shoving Fai slightly backwards to break the kiss (though the mage clung persistently and stayed on his lap, smirking), Kurogane looked over Fai and saw Sotiri staring at them with a puzzled and slightly shocked expression. Great. Kurogane must have blushed more since Fai changed than he had in all the rest of his life before that.
Fai shifted around to face Sotiri, making Kurogane grit his teeth slightly at the movement. She smiled brightly.
"What's the matter, Sotiri-chan? Have we shocked you?"
The girl tilted her head questioningly.
"Fai-san, you like to kiss Kurogane-san? Why?"
Kurogane wondered if he should be offended by that. Fai snickered quietly, but then sobered and, without removing herself from Kurogane's lap, reached out her hands to the girl, who stepped forward and took them.
"I like to kiss Kurogane because I like Kurogane. Because, among other things, he's my friend, and he's handsome, and it's fun to watch him blush." Kurogane growled slightly and Fai giggled. "I like to kiss him just because I want to. And I'll bet that someday Sotiri-chan will find somebody who she wants to kiss too."
"Do you like it when he takes you too?"
Kurogane nearly choked and he could have sworn that even Fai blushed just slightly.
"We haven't gotten quite that far yet, Sotiri-chan. But I'm sure I'll love it when he does." The ninja spluttered angry denials and shoved Fai forcefully off his lap, making the blonde laugh. Fai sat back down next to Kurogane and pulled the girl into her arms. "You know, little one, the way you've experienced these things isn't the right way. It's not the way it always is. These things can give pleasure too. Someday you'll know for yourself."
Something about the mage's tone and her eyes made Kurogane suspect she was speaking for herself too. He found himself wondering again about the blonde. Had Ashura been the only one Fai had ever been with? And had it truly been as lacking in pleasure as Fai seemed to imply it had been? Had Fai ever even really known pleasure any more than this unfortunate girl had?
"Kuro-sama's thinking weird things again!"
"Idiot! Are you reading my thoughts?"
"Oh-ho, so you're admitting to thinking weird things?"
"Gah! Shut your trap, idiot!"
.........
"Poor Sotiri-chan. She doesn't even know what romance is, or what it's like to want someone."
"Do you?"
Fai started slightly, and then thoughtfully stared down at her hands.
"Well...more than she does, at least; though I know better how to give pleasure than how to receive it."
Kurogane tried not to think too hard about that.
"Was..." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Was Ashura the only one?"
"No. I...well you know how I was...I hated myself above all else. I got into the habit of...Never mind. You don't want to know, Kuro-sama."
"Tell me."
"Don't say I didn't warn you" She hesitated, twining her long fingers together and then untangling them to run them through her hair, which was still worn in the same short tail she'd worn it in as a man. "...I...During our journey...in different worlds...I started seeking out men who...who would hurt me."
A sickening chill washed through Kurogane's blood. He remembered Fai disappearing some nights, coming back with vague excuses of having gone for a walk or gone drinking or shopping. Remembered Fai starting and wincing sometimes when Sakura hugged him, as though his body ached. Remembered long sleeves, gloves, high-necked clothes...had he been hiding marks? Feeling nearly nauseous, he set down the bottle he'd been holding and stared at Fai, who gave a sad little smile.
"Fai..."
"Not anymore, Kurogane. Not for a long time. Not since Infinity."
"But why...?"
"Because, I was convinced I was horrible person, not worthy of living. I killed my own brother for selfish gain, I thought. But I couldn't die...not until I'd done what Fei Wong said and revived Fai. Yet...I could not let myself live without pain...it would be like forgiving myself. For a long time, I had Ashura. He was always kind to me, but he wasn't gentle, in that. Still, he never really hurt me, so I hurt myself. I'd take knives...always little cuts so that he wouldn't notice and be displeased..."
Kurogane grit his teeth, fighting the urge to shout at the mage, feeling as if he must either shout or cry, and determined not to do either.
"When I sealed Ashura and went to the witch...I already knew about you...and I wondered if you would be willing to...to...But the first time I saw you I knew you weren't like that. And...I didn't want you to hate me. So I kept quiet and tried to live without the pain...but whenever I felt happy, I just hated myself more. I needed to hurt, so I wouldn't be too happy, so I wouldn't be more of a horrible person than I already was. And I discovered that it was easy to find men who would hurt me in exchange for what I could do for them."
Kurogane clenched his hands tightly into fists and closed his eyes, fighting back the feeling of fury that had no specific target, except himself; for never knowing, never noticing.
"Fai..."
He hadn't cried since his mother died...and he wouldn't now...but if ever it had been hard to control the tears, since his mother's blood stained the floor and his hands and he was helpless to stop it, it was now. Instead of crying, he kissed Fai, more softly than he'd ever kissed anyone before, determined despite his rough nature to be the opposite of every man before him.
"Kurogane." Fai pulled away slightly and smiled at him. There were tears in her eyes, but the smile was real and happy. "It's okay to be yourself. I don't want to be hurt anymore, haven't for a long time. But there's a big difference between you being yourself, a little rough though you may be, and actually causing pain. I don't mind if you squeeze me a little too hard or something." She hugged him tightly. "And this form is all new...all my scars, from myself and others, they all disappeared when I changed...so this form is a virgin, too. I'm brand new again. It's a whole new beginning, Kurogane. With you."
He pulled her to him tightly, kissed her hard, and, as he had so often encouraged Fai to do, he tried to set aside the past.