CHAPTER FOURTEEN

It'd be nice if that wrapped everything up in a neat bow. But nah. We didn't get our Happily Ever After that easily.

Let's cut to the chase and do some more summary. For the next couple of days, things were more or less about where they were before. We would make out a little, and game, and she'd babble and I'd listen with varying levels of interest. The only real difference was, every now and then I'd ask some question about the whole trans thing and she'd try to answer as best she could. Most of the time she was patient, but once in awhile… yeah, it clearly got on her nerves. Still, it was Knives and she liked me, so she didn't yell at me as much as I thought she should.

Also… kissing was weirder. It was all me, worrying about how I was kissing a trans girl instead of a "normal" girl. My own ignorance making me anxious, I guess. She would notice sometimes and ask if I was okay, and I'd tell her everything was fine and try to get past it. Most of the time, I succeeded. Because I knew, I knew deep down that she was the same person, same bubble of sugary sweetness that I both found annoying and endearing. I was just being weird because…

Knives was the first person like that I'd ever met. It's not much of an excuse, I know. This just wasn't something I'd ever thought about before for more than five seconds. Don't judge me too badly, but most of what I'd thought about was drag queens. When she told me there were guys like that, too — y'know, men who were born women, I was like, what does that even mean?! I'd never even heard of that! But it made sense once it sank in. Just… all new information, crazy to me but old news to her. She was pretty quick to correct me when I said something that made it sound like she was still a guy, or the one time I said "tranny" without even meaning for it to be an insult. Literally had never stopped to think that it was basically a slur, since it almost always gets used to say some chick looks "too manly", or some guy is "too girly". Like… sure, it's easy to see how it could be harmful when you've thought about it, or when you see your girlfriend flinch as if she'd been stabbed, but I hadn't yet. I was in a totally new world and old rules didn't apply.

No sex. You were probably wondering about that, but literally the most we did was make out, maybe squeeze a buttcheek once or twice. If things started to get past that point, one of us would pull back. Just weren't there yet.

Although… we did have a hard conversation one night. We had been bingewatching some anime that Knives had on DVD, I didn't care much but I was starting to get into it toward the end. Bunch of ninjas or whatever. At some point, we got distracted from the TV by each other's faces. Sucking on them, to be exact…

~ o ~

"Hey," I breathed pulling back with a slight smile, gazing into her eyes the moment the opened again. "There she is."

Swallowing hard, Knives glanced down between our bodies, then up again with a slight nervousness. It hurt to see that there, but it hurt because I was such a douchecanoe once upon a time to her. If I wasn't so dumb when I was drunk, maybe she could have been less uncomfortable.

"Sorry," I breathed, my smile gone like the wind. "Just… haven't felt that yet. While sober, I mean."

"Y-yeah," she whispered before clearing her throat. "I try not to let it… pop up, but… you just feel so good sometimes."

My hips shifted a little, and I felt the firm little presence grinding into my hip. She was basically straddling my thigh again, only we were seated on a couch this time. "Mmm, you don't have to hide that now. Let it pop up."

"But I'm still so weird about… you know…"

"Sex?" A small nod, and I kissed her chin. "Shhh. If you're ready, then you're ready. Why hold back?"

"But I'm not ready."

"Then why are you hard as a rock down there?" Right after that, she rolled away and sat down next to me. "What? Knives…"

"Just because I'm hard doesn't mean I want to do anything with it. You do get that, right? Like… I might kind of want to, but that's not the same as being ready for that."

A guilty thrill shot through me, and I pushed a hand into my mouth for a second. This was the same thing that happened when I was drunk, except I hadn't been listening then. "Sorry." That was all I could get out.

Her hand reached down and grasped mine. "I do want to, though. Like… just…"

"Yeah. Like you said, it's a weird thing for you because of… that word. Dis-something."

"Dysphoria."

"That's the one. Makes you feel funny about your body matching your brain."

Her voice really was apologetic as she went on, "I don't want to be the man, banging you like a woman. I'm in lesbians with you, and have no interest in trying to be your boyfriend. And… I don't know, it's stupid."

"Not stupid if it's how you feel. I'm just trying to get this. You have a raging boner that I'm very ready to help you out with. And… I know I fuck up my words sometimes, but I really don't think you're a guy. Promise. So just… what's the problem? Is it me? Because like, I know this is only the second time I've felt-"

"It's not you," she cut me off urgently. "Come on! You rock, Kim, you're so hot! Like, my issues have nothing to do with how attractive you are, okay?"

Going for broke, I whispered, "Let me go down on you. Or jerk you off, maybe. We can try it and see how it goes. And if I do or say something off the mark, you can tell me. Now or later. Feedback helps. And you don't have to do anything for me if you're not ready for it, either."

"What if I'm not ready for anything at all? Is that okay? Or do you really need to do something every time you feel my dick get hard?"

There was a slight accusation in that tone. I felt anger pulse behind my temples. "Excuse me?"

"Well, you did the same thing last time," she sighed, clearly annoyed. "I thought you would be different now that you aren't drunk."

"No, I'm asking, not just doing it and then asking you afterward," I shot back. "And I apologised for that; I still feel like shit, but hey, thanks for the reminder."

"You're kind of doing it again, though. I just… want to make out with you, and if I get hard for it not be an issue, because all it means is that I'm enjoying myself. Not that I'm ready to 'take it to the next level'. If you make out with a guy and your nipples get hard, does that mean you definitely want them to fuck you?"

Running my hands through my hair, I turned away from her. "Fine. Nevermind."

"Answer me."

"No."

"Okay. Sorry for not being ready when you are."

I didn't reply. What was there to say? We had been doing so well up until that point, I was blindsided that it suddenly blew up in my face. And I wanted to tell her that I was okay with this, but it also felt like an insult. My stupid brain was used to a guy getting hard, and right away wanting to have sex. And I know, I know, everybody's different, and she wasn't a guy… I just needed to adjust my thinking. In case you couldn't tell, it was going pretty slow.

"Kim, I'm not a dildo. Like… to be honest, I kind of wish I was. For you. But I don't feel ready, and I think if I push myself to do it before I'm ready, then… neither of us are going to be very happy with the result."

Still no reply. Now I was hurting her. Could I be any more of a fuckup?

"Kim? Oh no… oh God, don't turn to stone again!"

That snapped me out of my daze. She was right; I could feel my limbs and muscles freezing up, getting more solid. "Nhh? Hhh nhh!" My mouth was sealed shut, too.

"Crap… where's that bottle of Soft? What did you do with-"

"Wait… okay… I…" Somehow, little by little, I was able to move again. A few very pale flakes of weird material shattered from my joints, and off my eyelids when I blinked, but it wasn't an actual full layer of rock like the last time. "Ooh… shit, that was close."

Arms looped around me, and Knives pushed her damp eyes into my neck. "I'm so sorry, I- you can touch me, I don't care. I don't care! Just please don't turn to stone, I really can't handle that, okay?"

Every word was like a blade piercing my heart. This wasn't her responsibility. Sure, it made me happy that she cared so much, but it frightened me a little that she was willing to sacrifice her own comfort for me that easily. Since two seconds ago, she had been telling me how important it was that she have the time she needed to get comfortable with the idea of me poking around downstairs.

"Knives…" That was all I could say for now. My hands gripped at the back of her shirt as I hugged her. "I'm sorry…"

"No, really, y-you can go down on me! Do you want to now? I mean… I'm not hard anymore, but I think if you-"

"Please stop," I begged her, the tears in her voice about to make mine start up again. "Just shut up."

But she wasn't having it. Pushing me away to look into my face, which I hated because I didn't like people seeing me without my shields in place, she shouted, "I can't let you be a statue just because I'm…"

Neither of us spoke for a second. Trying to figure out this situation. I wanted to leave, I wanted to run out the door and away from this annoying intensity, because I didn't fucking sign up for it. I didn't even want her as a friend in the beginning, let alone this! But she was also really important to me now. Like, crucial even. Seeing her upset purely because I couldn't figure out my shit made me feel so broken…

"Don't ever do that again," I finally managed to sob. "Don't ever say that y-you'll… that you would force yourself to do something you're not ready for just b-because I'm… a weird gargoyle thing! GOD! Please don't!"

Her lip quivered, but she threw her arms around me again, whispering, "Okay! Okay, I won't, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Kim, I just don't want to lose you!"

My lips found her neck over and over, and she began to cry more now that the initial panic was gone. We both needed a release, so we let that happen for a little while until the sniffles were outnumbering the sobs. We pulled back and kissed, and then both of us started saying a bunch of sappy shit like "you're so good to me" and "I don't deserve you," blah blah blah.

Not blah blah to me, though. I was falling hard for Knives Chau. Just didn't know how to handle that yet.

~ o ~

"That makes more sense," she said a while later as we snuggled in my bed. Mostly clothed, sharing a bottle of water. "But we still need to figure out what's causing you to turn."

Sighing, I pushed my face up against her shoulder. "Yeah. Probably because I'm a chickenshit."

"Don't say that. You are not, you're just… bad… at feelings? I hope that's not offensive."

"It's accurate. I don't like feelings. They suck."

"Yeah, you do. What you don't like is that they leave you open and vulnerable. But… I'm not going to hurt you, Kim. You know that!"

Nodding, I pet over her stomach as I smirked very slightly. "You're pretty badass, though. Helped take down Gideon. What if I turned into an evil ex? You'd have to defeat me, and I wouldn't stand a chance."

"You won't turn 'evil'. You're such a good, sweet, pure-"

"Lies."

"You ARE. Under all that grumpiness." That made me snort, and she grinned, leaning down to nuzzle my nose. "Didn't say you were a perfect ray of sunshine, just… such an awesome girl! I can see it, even if you can't."

"Should have your eyes checked," I deflected, trying to ignore the pounding of my heart. Like I said, cavity-inducing.

"Maybe. They only seem to see you."

How did she actually top herself that quickly? I already was reeling from how much affection she could show, and then she shows even more without giving me a chance to recover first. So again, I did the thing. I tried to rise to her level of flirting-ness, to not just be the useless lump in the relationship. Here's what I came up with:

"Fuck. I can't believe you like me. You're too cool to date such an asshole."

Points for effort?

"Aww," she cooed as if I had recited some touching sonnet. My cheeks were burning, I could tell when she kissed them and her lips were like ice against the skin. "I think we're both pretty cool."

"Sleep here?" I urged, needing it. Not wanting to show how much, but hoping she would spot it anyway. "Set an alarm, and just… use today's uniform again tomorrow?"

Nodding, she snuggled in close. "As long as you promise not to pounce on my morning wood. Just making sure," she rushed ahead when I winced. "And if you do, it's only gonna mean another talk. Not that I hate you or want to leave you. Right?"

"Right," I groaned, flopping onto my back. She only moved in closer. This time, I felt the warm squish of her soft junk against my thigh; it was kind of nice. I'd never felt that before with a dude, because I never had a relationship with one long enough to include much cuddling. "I promise."

"And we're not done trying to figure out why the statue-thing happens. I… I want you to be safe, and not have to worry that I'll come home and find…"

The ominousness of that idea hung over both of our heads for a moment. I whispered to her, "We will. I don't want it, and you don't want it; pretty unanimous. Not that I have any clue where to start."

"Tomorrow," she yawned as she nuzzled in, already drifting off.

"Knives?" A little hum was her only response. "I'm… glad you're back in my life. Fucking crazy as it's been. Just didn't want you to…"

By that point, I could feel her deeper breathing, and knew I was trying to talk to a snoozing woman. Shaking my head very gently, I settled in to drift off with her.

To Be Continued…