A/N: Happy Halloween, everyone! Sir Reginald Pantaloons 3rd gave me the plot outline for this chapter as well! :)

Enjoy! The Skyward Sword chapter is coming up next! (And sorry about the lateness!)

~:~ Chapter Fourteen – Ocarina of Toots (OoT-verse) ~:~

Finally, after three minutes of painful work, Zelda's lifelong dream was complete. She had toiled over a hot stove just to get where she was now. Her perfect creation. Her one most important thing in the world.

It was so great that whenever she thought about it, Death Mountain would erupt and kill three Gorons.

It was so awesome that whenever she looked at it, Zora's Domain would freeze over (and would also sometimes make King Zora to move an inch to the side).

It was so amazing that whenever she touched it, Navi would shut up for a whole five minutes.

This thing was…

HERSELF.

(Everyone's reaction: O_O)

Four days after Zelda had created herself, Link walked up to her and asked for a bowl of chili powder.

"Chili powder. I need it," he said. Unfortunately, as he said this, he looked into Zelda's eyes, which caused Zora's Domain to freeze.

Zelda breathed in so that she could answer Link's request. In a tropical island far away, a hurricane wiped out an entire village.

"There…" she said, and a dolphin fell out of a sky, killing an innocent man in Kakariko Village, "…is…" A monkey ate a woman's leg right outside the castle. "…chili…" Every tree in Hyrule Field withered and died. "…powder…" Snow started falling in the Haunted Wasteland. "…in…" A Deku Scrub exploded, and the Kokiri hurriedly ate its remains. "…the…" A Dodongo mated with a zebra. "…kitchen." Link's hat fell off.

Link was so angry that he ran outside and kissed a tree.

"ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!"

Then we went back in time by stabbing the Master Sword into its pedestal. However, he accidentally put the sword in upside-down, so it messed up a bit.

Navi turned into a portable waffle iron. Link found himself as a child again, standing right outside Castle Town.

"Oh no! What did I not do?" he wailed. He turned around to see Impa's white horse riding off with Zelda. "Not this again! NOOOOO!"

"Shut up and take this magical musical instrument!" yelled Zelda, tossing him what he knew to be the Ocarina of Time. Link knew by now how bad Zelda's football skills were, so he jumped into the moat before it could land in it. This also kept him out of Ganondorf's way since he was riding a black Gerudo stallion, which meant that he wanted pancakes. Since Navi was a waffle iron, the Vaseline truck could not withstand the pressure of the atomic bomb, which caused Morpha to evolve into Queen Gohma, thus producing a horde of baby adult men who liked to eat planets.

THERE IS NO ICE CREAM! EVERYthing YOU KNOW is a not lie NOT!

"THERE IS ICE CREAM!" yelled Link, grabbing the Ocarina. "THERE MUST BE!"

I'M SORRY, Link. THERE IS NO ICE CREAM!1!1

"YES, THERE IS!"

I HAVE TO ORDER PIZZA OH NO NO NO DOUBLE RAINBOW! WHAT DOES IT MEAN? *cries*

Link decided not to argue anymore, since arguing was pointless and would only make whipped cream taste better. Link took the Ocarina from the moat and held it up in the air like he always does because the Goddesses cursed him that way.

(DA-NA-NA-NAAAAA!)

You got the Ocarina of Toots! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR. Good luck trying to save Hyrule with THAT!

"Gasp!" said Link. "There really is no ice cream!"

And he cried.

"Wait, I know!" Link exclaimed. "I'll play the Bolero of Fire to make ice cream! DUH!"

He tried playing the Bolero of Fire.

You played the Song of Flatulence!

Would you like to crave beans and/or burritos?

Yes

No

Link pressed "Yes."

"DARN IT! I pressed the wrong button! STUPID CONTROLLER!" Link yelled in anger. He ragequitted, which caused Japan to explode.

"I guess we're not getting Skyward Sword, then," sighed Navi.

"— WAIT! I want some beans and burritos. Mmm…"

Link rushed back to Castle Town, where he saw a guy eating pi tacos.

"Give me your taco or else!" threatened Link.

"Ohohohoho. NO," said the man.

"I can fly by carrying [insert something here]!" boasted Link. "Watch!"

But he couldn't. So he ragequitted again, which made Termina blow up. He trashed the Ocarina of Toots in a recycle bin full of toxic waste.

"Navi!" called Link. "Make me a bowl of Communist Soup! QUICK!"

"YES, MASTER!" Navi said, obeying his every command. However, since Navi was a waffle iron, she tripped over water and ate bird poop. Eventually, though, she managed to make Communist Soup for Link by sacrificing the innocent souls of Castle Town to the Fierce Deity, who in turn used the souls to call his sickly grandmother who was living with her alligator in New Mexico. During the call, the alligator ate her leg, and she died of diarrhea.

Link sipped some of the soup.

"…"

"Do you like it?" asked Navi.

"Ah's a redneck hillbilly hobo!" exclaimed Link happily. "Ah's hankerin' t'become a millionaire one day. When ah was in skoo, ah was bullied by mah mom, dawgone it. She was so mean! An' then mah Paw came in an' beat her up. She went t'jail on account o' it was aginst th' law t'git beat up by a guy. So when ah got older, ah ate a cat, an' th' cat's name was Hairball, but it warn't pow'ful a hairball on account o' it warn't a hairball, but then ah bought a bed wif some of mah Rupees an' drowned in th' puddle outside mah house, which made me wonner how trimenjus mah fish was on account o' ah like trimenjus thin's. Speakin' of trimenjus thin's, doesn't yo' reckon th' sun is WAY too cold?"

Link bought a space tuna with a spare beetle he found crawling around in his tunic and used it to launch himself into the sun.

"Yessuh! Now ah can start a bran'-noo life on th' sun!"

Link took a moment to look at his surroundings. It was beautiful; the buttery color of the sun's flares was enough to blind him. The way the surface he was standing on illuminated the night sky was breathtaking. It was all so delicately ethereal.

3 nanoseconds later, he died of frostbite.

~x~X~x~

-Eternal Nocturne-

Chapter Fourteen – Completed October 23, 2011

Uploaded on October 31, 2011