My infuriating shallow jerk
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my OC characters and that's debatable
Pairing: James/Logan
Rating: M (I promise sexy times later)
Warnings: Smut language
Dedicated to BtrCutie for making me flail
A/N: I know this chapter is unusually late, I got a summer job guys, so I can't dedicate the same time as I did on my writing. But I WON'T STOP EITHER! Promise! This chapter maybe a little confusing...AGAIN...probably because I can't stop writing the characters like total whack jobs! I expect someone to call me on this! If you are still reading I need your advice! I am trying to clean the mess and it gets messier! You are all welcome to review your opinions as always! It's direly important because we're reaching the end! Two or three chapters to go people!
When James got up in the middle of the night after having passed out for God knows how many hours he wasn't surprised to see that the light in his mother's office was on. He walked past it and was heading for the kitchen for a probably futile attempt for a late snack, having eaten absolutely nothing for a day knowing that Brooke's fridge only carried the absolutely essentials, in other words mineral water. He didn't bother to hide his presence, it wasn't like his mom would take notice that he was awake or give him the time of day when she had immersed herself in work; he had reached the wooden staircase to go down a floor when her voice pierced his ears.
"Get in here young man!" His right foot slipped a few steps ahead, twisting slightly and shooting pain in his body but he grabbed the banister and prevented an overall fall. He balanced himself and turned back to enter her office and face her.
"Hi mom..." She was going through some photos and designs for an ad campaign and didn't look at him at all when he walked in her study and if James hadn't experienced a worse and more serious heartache just the other day or if he was a few years younger he would start screaming at her for how much of a bitch she is.
"I believe I took time from my overbooked schedule to teach you proper manners James David. You do not walk around a stranger's house like a thief in the middle of the night when you're a guest."
"Seriously mom? Stranger's house? What am I even doing here?" He was so mad at her for her snobbish welcome that he even forgot the reason, his empty stomach, and all the pain and guilt he carried.
"Running away from your new roommate, from what I heard, and once again not from your mouth, mind you." His mouth twisted in anger. He didn't expect Brianna to have the gull to call Brooke again after they had that huge blow out fight when she did it the first time a few years back. And it had to be Brianna; Derek feared Brooke and avoided her like the plague.
"What did she say...?" Brooke shook her head in frustration and disapproval.
"Mr. Tarling dear, not that charming lady friend of his and he didn't call me, I called him." James remembered he had forgotten his cell in his coat that for some reason now hung behind Brooke's leather armchair.
"Did you steal my phone!?" She actually looked up towards him and gave him a stern reminder who taught him the smug smile in the first place.
"No James I didn't. You come uninvited at six o' clock in the morning, spend a few hours locked in the guest room crying like a girl, then sleep for more than twelve hours, and I am supposed to do what? Nothing and leave you alone? Good to know your acting lessons are paying out; your comedy skills are top notch!" She laughed a little and James thought of the hyenas back in the Lion King.
"Are you done busting my balls or can I leave now?"
There you go, pretense of dutiful son dropped and shattered.
"Language James, I am and always be your mother." They rolled their eyes at the same time and both growled at each other.
"Can you decide if we're strangers or not Brooke this is getting on my nerves?"
"Damn it James, we're both! We hardly speak on the phone, I respect the life you build by yourself and never bother you even though I don't support your career choices, I patiently wait for you to wake up from your little comma and this is the attitude I get! Apples and trees James David, you are an adult now legally at least, stop and consider the other person for a moment." There was too much to take in simple sentence that James felt a dizziness take over his head, he stumbled on an armchair and fell opposite her.
"Are you trying to say you care mom?" There was a lot of sarcasm in his tone, a little bit of hope hidden somewhere in there too.
"Do you want to talk about our problems James or about this Logan that has you running up the walls?" She gave out a puff.
"Can't we do both?"
"You had your beauty sleep, I have a meeting at noon tomorrow, choose James." Brooke was a big fan of ultimatums.
"Us mother I want to know if we're fixable..." She looked into his eyes and curled her lips into a sad smile.
"You are such a disappointment James..." She said under her breath and James eyes shot out.
"...you and me both..." He was about to scream at her when she came around the desk and sat on the front side of it, positioning herself above him.
"Did you ever wonder why I kept the name Diamond after me and your dad divorced?" James didn't answer he was still stuck on being called a disappointment, Brooke saw it and hit him on the head with one of her folder cases.
"I am talking to you James!"
"I changed my mind..." He tried standing up; the second hit was even stronger.
"Still talking! Diamonds are made of coal!" James let out a grunt, she hit him lightly a third time just for the heck of it, she was actually amused, like James was now six again and she was trying to make him sit with his back straight.
"Diamonds start off as coal, and then they change, evolve, they become beautiful everlasting, they reflect the light and catch your breath." James focused on the menacing envelope ignoring his mother's platitudes.
"When I decided to start my business with the money your grandfather David left me and your father's support I choose to use the name Diamond instead of my own maiden name, part because it was beautiful and a stroke of marketing ingenuity part because I wanted your father to feel involved..." Her tone had the same arrogant detached shade but the things she said made James to actually pay attention now.
"...and then we had a little piece of coal of our very own..." James tried to remember when was the last time his mother touched his cheek with such love, ten or twelve years ago maybe, Brooke saw his hazel eyes looking at her with adoration so she changed her caress into a pinch snapping him back.
"I was so happy back then everything was too good to be true, the dream just had to go on, I had to make a diamond out of you too. So I pressured you like Hell!" She giggled James thought what the paper headlines would write on his trial for matricide.
"It worked, I obsessed on making you and the business into the most beautiful things the world had ever seen." James gulped then this train of disturbing thought started to sound all too familiar.
"Your father though reminded me that diamonds were hard not unbreakable. I had my own flaw and I think you inherited it from me James." She gave him the most apologetic look he had ever seen in his life, in any silver screen, theater class, not even in those orbs that had sucked him in like they were a dark hole.
"Love my boy, we both break with love." James felt the words echo in his mind.
"It took me a while to see it after your father left, I got stubborn, and refused to wallow in self-pity and misery I still had you, the company. But unfortunately I build both of you too good. The company boomed almost at the same time you begun to shine on your own. So I had to let one go and out of fear of eventually getting hurt again, I chose the one I cared for the most, hoping that away from me you would eventually be happier. I let you go before you let go off me..." One single tear that was all she would allow herself. James tried to make sense, was his mother the one insane or was it him because he was able to understand her way of thinking. She wanted him to grow and stand on his own two feet, and so she pulled away.
"Are you done...?" He killed any emotion in his voice; yes he understood what she was saying that didn't mean he liked it. He pushed his body up took a long breath in, and let all the anger out.
"What you're saying is you didn't want to screw me... WELL NEWSFLASH MOM I ENDED UP SCREWED ANYWAY! God how can you be so thoughtless? So what? I was making money and I saw the world and did things most kids my age never even dreamed off! I still wanted you and dad around! And what if it was my choice to model! I was thirteen! What did I know? I... I've never been happy in my life! My entire life! I thought I was when I modeled! No, I was just pleasing my shallowness and ego, which were both created by your actions. I wasn't happy with Kyle! He just fucked my brains over! Even my friends make me feel like I lack something mom, Derek and Brianna are the closest thing to a real family I have and some part of me is jealous of them both. When Derek wants to tell something exciting about his life he starts bragging about me, you can't begin to phantom how unworthy I feel about that and Brianna's like the wisest most mature person I know. I've never been happy and I'll never be happy! And...I...was stupid enough to think for a moment...that I could be...with...Lo..." James started to cry then, his mother wrapped her arms around him for the first time in years and held him close, she was crying too.
"Let go James, let yourself break..." Because in the end the Diamond name was just that, a name, in reality they were just a family doing what most families do, take each other for granted and hurt each other only to realize it far later, only now they were ready to face that and if they were allowed time maybe they were indeed fixable.
Hours later Brooke woke up, canceled any plans she had for the day and she and James tried frivolously to replace them with new ones, together. Maybe not as a mother and son but two people trying to get to know each other from point zero.
"Broadway!" James whined but it didn't work when he was three and wanted ice cream and it wouldn't work now.
"I have to go to enough shows to make a social appearance as it is James, have a care." She tried to rein her snobby attitude and failed miserably at it, James was still thankful that she tried.
"Okay, it's actually better now that I think about it, If I see an actual professional act on stage I may end up ditching school entirely and not just for a week." Brooke rolled her eyes.
"You are not staying here for a week young man."
"Maybe not here, but I am not going home until he's out..." They didn't talk much about Logan, small things here and there, Brooke sipped any info she could get like old wine, trying to make a strategy and see which side of the war she should be on.
"How are you so certain he's going to leave?" She asked with her detached familiar business tone in order to not scare him.
"He's probably already out, went back to his hometown or Brianna's place. I know him he's a coward." She scoffed at that.
"You're one to talk...So no theater... How about we max the old platinum card?" James made a face.
"I don't want to set foot in a store for at least a year..." She smiled; really reading the business paper would be more challenging.
"How many things did you buy this boy James?"
"Didn't buy him anything really, I gave him a lot of free clothes, he has cousin's Ben's build, and I did try to buy him one expensive outfit but that didn't exactly go as planned. And you can drop the third degree I see what you're doing." He said the last part menacing, like that would ever work on his lioness of a mother.
"Fine, I'm stopping ...But next time, get the boy something he actually likes, and try to do it in your anniversary or someday special..." James's lid blew open.
"Let it go okay! It's over you don't need to rub it in!" Brooke took his flustered expression as proof of how far from over it really was.
"How about the gym?" James would have killed himself, but then Brooke would just bitch about the blood stains on the carpet.
They went to the gym and after a long work out returned home to eat, James was reminded how it is to live constantly being served but unlike his childhood he found it completely bitter and overbearing now. The limo's leather seats were too hot and the fact that the maid had cooked for them not giving him the chance to do it himself annoyed him to no end, also Brooke's phone was constantly buzzing, if it wasn't her assistant, it would be her lawyer, or the chief of the marketing team, they would pressure and bug her about this or that and even she had enough at some point.
"Have I ever talked to you about my son Mr. Marson? Yes that young man in the photos on my desk. Yes, well he's here today and I haven't spend any real time with him in years, so if you would be so kind...SHUT YOUR TRAP AND SELL! SELL! SELL!" Her poor broke stoker paid the price and James started laughing uncontrollably. Brooke looked up at him with nostalgic fondness.
"I missed that sound. You haven't laughed all day did you notice that?" James nodded his laughter slowly died because even though he was exhilarated that he and his mom were trying to start anew his mind still ran back to Logan.
"If you talk to me James I will reconsider theater." She said in the most enticing tone she had in her armory.
"All right I'll talk but no bribes please?" He imagined he was eating a bagel instead of his fish and he just couldn't chew it down.
What do you want to know?"
"Let's cut to the chase. Why did you two fight?" James gave a lovelorn sigh, an echo of the one Logan gave him a while back and the memories of what happened in the car flooded his mind.
"He wanted sex, and I didn't..." One of the great things about this tangled relationship with his mother was that there hadn't been any shame in it for years.
"That's a first..." There has been a lot of sarcasm though.
"Yeah, surprise! Your whorish son said no! Mark your calendar folks! It's going to be a national holiday! Anyway he wanted to have sex with me, and I kept beating around the bush trying to restrain myself which was the hardest thing I've ever done because he just takes my breath away. I just didn't want to hurt him; I wanted to do it right for once. I wanted it to mean something, because I knew he would reciprocate the feelings not like Kyle..." For some reason at the mention of the name he expected to see Logan in front of him instead of Brooke screaming furious and showing him the door but Logan was too far away again, he was always either behind James or too far above him.
"He just kept on pushing and pushing, he threw himself at me, and I thought that I hate that side of him, because it's so out of his character, I thought he wasn't ready or maybe I just chickened out..." Brooke gave him a gesture to stop.
"Do you have any idea why he acted like that?" James made a face and hoped that the iron maiden that was Brooke Diamond wouldn't lose her calm.
"Probably because of Kyle...He met Kyle you see and I don't know he felt threatened or something. I made it very clear to him that me and Kyle were actually over, really over. But Logan has so many issues, low self-esteem, abandonment, loss...I made this stupid choice a few days before our date and I hurt him big time. I thought he was past it that he had forgiven me but I was wrong, so I think he just feared that I'd do it again and it was also like he had something to prove to himself. Worst part is he was half right, moment the shit hit the fan I went to Kyle." Brooke bit her lower lip urging him with her eyes to keep going.
"One look at Kyle and the first thing I thought was what the fuck is wrong with me. Yes, Logan hurt me when he pushed me out the door but what did it matter that it was over between us? I didn't want him to be right, I didn't want to be the one to put the final nail in the coffin...We may not be good for each other but that doesn't mean I stopped loving him. So I left both Kyle and Logan, my past, and my future unfulfilled. "James's eyes were moist wet but he didn't cry he made his choices, now he had to deal with them.
Brooke sat back on her chair and stared proudly at her son.
"I take it back. You and me aren't failures James David. You did the right thing, I'm proud of you." James smiled cheeks flushed red and Brooke gave out a small giggle.
"What's that?" She asked baffled.
"What?" He looked at her curious but then he felt his curled lip and froze, it was crooked.
After that James went to reset his biological clock, it took him a while but he managed to fall into a light slumber. Brooke always an opportunist called Derek and after playing a little cat and mouse or rather seven headed she-dragon and tiny little fairy, she got him to coax out that Logan hadn't left, he was withdrawn and cold but he was still for the time being staying in the apartment.
"Thank you Mr. Tarling. Your efforts as awkward and clumsy as they may be are appreciated. Make sure to follow Brianna's lead on whatever plan she may have, and I will take care of James and have him back in the first morning flight." She heard a voice raging from the other side, some professor shouting at Derek and she raised an eyebrow.
"Are you in class young man?" Derek started stuttering and Brooke fought back the urge to laugh warmly at him, like every time they talked.
"It is so disrespectful to your professor, your peers, and your parents even to talk on the phone while in class. Tsk, I expect that you will handle James's issue with better delicacy...or else." She hanged the phone hearing him choke and his professor berate him, and then she started laughing like a madwoman by herself. She called her assistant afterwards and before he could start to rant about the office work load, she stopped him cold. She gave instructions to him to e-mail her the flight schedules from New York to the city James had made his home, and gave him an hour to get to Brooke's place with some clean clothes for James. She had some of course like the sweatpants James borrowed when they hit the gym, but she wanted to keep those in hopes that James would visit again. Maybe to introduce Logan, she smiled at the prospect.
Time passed, Brooke only let James sleep for a couple of hours before waking him up, her version of a gentle wakeup call wasn't very affectionate.
"You have fifteen minutes James or I am leaving without you!" She boomed while raising the shutters and opened the window, walking around the wooden floor she stomped her heels to make enough noise to wake a dead man from his grave.
"Oh God mom, photo shoot doesn't start in another hour JEEZ!" James moaned in his half-sleep state. Brooke laughed when she saw his face turning red.
"Don't say it...I'm getting up..." James mumbled while he threw away the cover sheets.
"Wow, you think you're twelve again how precious..."
"I told you not to say it!" James got up and hurried to the bathroom.
They left twenty minutes later to spend their afternoon watching some block buster and then took a slow walk in New York's most infamous park hot dogs in hand.
"I haven't done anything like this in years…" Brooke mumbled fondly and James gave a smile.
"So, James tell me, how do you feel now after a day away from your little boy problem?" She asked and James let a sigh out.
"Well, you haven't exactly let me take my mind off of Logan mom." He complained but Brooke shrugged it off.
"I am trying to be supportive James but there are limits at how much a person can or should change for someone else's sake." She meant it as a joke but James pierced her with his eyes.
"I...wanted to change...I...thought me and Logan didn't have a chance if I kept on hiding behind the mask, acting like an uncaring bastard. You know being the son of Brooke Diamond comes with an attitude... so I tried to change for him..." He trailed off without control.
"You have matured James I can see that, did Logan do the same? Appreciate the effort even?" James took a moment more than he needed thinking back.
"Honestly no, I don't think so, I got him out of his comfort zone but that's it. Sometimes he's such a child and I thought it was cute but he can be so needy and selfish! God!" James had one hand fisting his hair and one foot kicking a pebble, Brooke though seeing her son twisting and suffering with his emotions decided that it was time.
"James you need to go back. The sooner the better." James expected this at some point, he prayed she wouldn't make an attempt to send him home so soon but he expected it nonetheless.
"No mom. I don't need to go. I don't need to say goodbye or fight for him or anything. I did that the moment I got in the plane." Brooke still had a few bites of food left; she threw the rest in the nearest trash can though and looked back at him angry.
"Did you take anything from your father I wonder?"James made a face.
"Look boy, you are hurt and angry and delusional but I don't think you want to be stupid!" James shook his head.
"From what you told me Logan is a very emotional person, maybe a little too much, but that can't be helped really. It's just how he is, and I think you love that part of him. Because you weren't brought up by emotional caring people. You need that James. Someone that can love you and hate you with all his heart." James looked at her thinking that he may have actually preferred the Ice Queen to this version of Brooke.
"Yes, maybe you don't want or need to say goodbye but don't let that fight of yours be the last thing you ever share with him. He loves you James or he did. And you know that. You don't need to say anything, fine. But after leaving the poor boy thinking that you probably ran back to Kyle he will have a few things to say to you and you have the responsibility to listen." Was Brooke using guilt to get to him or the hard cold truth and did it matter since she could obviously see that it was working.
"Yeah, but what if he cuts me worse this time? Or what if I cave and we go back pretending nothing happened just so we can hurt each other again?" Brooke gave him a sly smile.
"Or what if he finally accepts you for you and let's down all the walls and you both end up being happy together?" James started to laugh coldly.
"I told him there are no fairy tales mom...I never thought that you'd actually tell me otherwise." She rolled her eyes for a moment and then became solemn.
"We're people James. Fabulous, beautiful, talented people but still... we have a right to believe in anything we want." She started to laugh with his expression, but she soon stopped.
"There is not a person in this world that doesn't have the right to love son. You experienced a few more difficulties for someone your age should have sure, but don't let yourself stop now not when Logan is right around the corner." He wanted to sneer at that, he knew Logan better, even if he still was home he wasn't going to give him another chance, not a real one that is and if he was honest he didn't know if he wanted one anymore.
"Trust me, I bet you my fortune, Logan's still there and he's waiting to say goodbye not with his mouth James but with his heart and you have the responsibility to hear him, you owe it to both him and yourself." James didn't get it, what was the difference? Logan leaving with a cold goodbye or a warm meaningful kiss shouldn't he save himself from any further pain?
"Go back James please. It's the only way to take the next step." If James said no, then she was ready and prepared to tear his throat but luckily he gave her a small nod.
"Good, your flight leaves at seven tomorrow morning." As he tried to recover from the reminder that he was the spawn of one of the greatest manipulators alive, she grabbed the hot dog tangling from his hand and continued her stroll in the park like nothing happened.
Logan was still numb from his weekend the following Monday, he woke up early didn't eat a thing, got dressed and drove sheepishly to school. He even wore some of the surprise clothes James had left him the week before, he was of course planning to return them to James's closet as soon as Derek could point him to a dry cleaner's while the bags that were still abandoned in the backseat were bound for the mall. As he got his books he took time to give the clothes a glance and was furious to find that James had taken off the price tags at some point either when he was changing in a dressing room or when he was at the bookstore.
That shook him a little but he soon settled, that wasn't even close to the worst thing James did to him that day, he went to class and focused on just getting through the day. He found the lectures boring and the company of his new friends overbearing worst part of all was when his mother called. She sounded giddy and excited for her son's first boyfriend and after playing along for a few minutes he excused himself and hung up. He send Brianna an angry text informing her that if his mother got hurt by her little ruse he was going to beat the crap out of her, and then went to the library on the first break he could spare so he could get away from all the loud noises of the bustling campus. Nothing worked though, neither classes or studying or his new friends. He needed an outlet, so he got his laptop out found Kyle's fan mail and send out the most hateful letter that he could compose; these things got read by a publicist or an assistant anyway. He spend another hour looking at James's Tweeter page with blood red eyes, the last post was Saturday morning.
"GOD! I love kissing my Loggie!" Logan felt like vomiting but he hadn't eaten anything. He returned home early in the afternoon took two trips up and down the stairs to empty the car and went to the convenience store to get some groceries to cook just to prove to Derek that he wasn't a child, even though he acted like one all day long.
When Derek came home he had a nervous face that even Logan in his current state could make it out.
"You found him didn't you?" Tone like stone unemotional, unmoving, no skipping heart this time.
"You know we had classes at the same time this morning, you could have given me a lift to school." Derek tried to jog Logan's better nature; Logan gave him an angry scowl.
"Fine, he's in New York, he flies in tomorrow." Derek felt that he needed to warn Logan even though it could make him change his mind and go to Brianna's place tonight.
"Good." Logan returned to steering the pot of soup and turned his back to his roommate.
"He went to his mom's place dude, he didn't sleep with..." Logan shook his head.
"Don't. I'll hear it from him tomorrow." Derek would have smiled but Logan turned back to clear his intentions.
"I am still leaving. Don't get your hopes up. I just want to say that to his face." Derek got mad and was ready for a fight but Logan asked him to grab some plates because dinner was ready so he held it in and made the table. They ate in silence.