A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing.

I don't own CSI. Some inspiration and dialogue are borrowed from episodes 510, "No Humans Involved" and 807, "Goodbye and Good Luck." Additional inspiration, but no dialogue, comes from episode 808, "You Kill Me." I also claim no ownership of United Airlines.

Unanswered Whys

To his credit, Hodges stopped explaining his results to Grissom as soon as Sara stepped away. The two men watched her walk down the hall, both stunned. After a moment, Hodges cleared his throat, and disappeared back into the trace lab. Barely noticing that he was alone, Grissom walked to his office as if in a trance.

His phone began ringing almost as soon as he entered his office. He picked it up automatically.

"Grissom."

"Gil, it's Jim. Listen, have you seen Sara?"

"Yes," Grissom replied, her kiss still warm on his lips. "Why? Do you need her?"

"No, I just wanted to make sure that she's all right."

"All right?"

"Yeah." Brass paused. "When I asked if you had seen her, I actually meant 'talked to her.'"

"Not exactly …"

Brass sighed. "Gil, Marlon West hanged himself in his cell."

"What?" Grissom juggled with the phone briefly as it slipped in his grip. "Does Sara know?"

"Yeah. She came down to the jail to see the body. Catherine's processing, but … Gil, Sara took the news to Hannah."

"Why would you let her do that? You know how she is with those two!"

"I know," Brass said heavily. "I know it was a terrible idea. It was just … if you could have seen her …"

Grissom sighed. How could he fault Brass for giving in to Sara when he had been doing the same thing from the moment the prints from the windowsill came back to Marlon? "It's okay, Jim. I know exactly what you mean."

"I just wanted to make sure that she's okay," Brass said again. "I tried calling her, but I guess her phone is off. I keep getting her voicemail."

A thrill of fear raced up Grissom's spine. "Her voicemail?"

"Yeah. Listen, if you talk to her, tell her to call me."

"I'll do that," Grissom promised. "I'm going to go look for her now."

"Great. Thanks, Gil."

"You, too."

Grissom ended the call and left his office. He did a complete circuit of the lab without running into Sara. He knew that it would be silly to panic. Sara was likely in the ladies' room, or had gone to a scene, or even gone home for the day. Calling her would make sense, but Jim had said her phone was off …

"Her battery could have died," he muttered to himself as he approached the front desk. "Judy, have you seen Sara?" he asked.

"She left a few minutes ago, sir, but she did leave something for you," Judy said, handing him a sealed envelope.

"Thank you," he said, taking the envelope that bore his name with one hand and putting on his glasses with the other.

He walked back to his office before opening the envelope. He pulled out a single sheet of paper covered with Sara's handwriting. As he read it, his heart began to pound.

Gil,

You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever.

Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired.

Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends, and, out there in the desert, it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry.

No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct, and, worse, you'll be there to see it happen.

Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I love you. I always will.

Goodbye.

Sara

Grissom's head snapped up. He tore his glasses off his face.

"No," he whispered. "No, no, it can't be …"

He letter fell to his desk as he fumbled for his phone. He pressed the speed dial for Sara. After a moment of silence, he heard her cheerful voicemail greeting.

"No …"

"Hey, Grissom, have you talked to Brass? I just …" Catherine's voice died at the look on Grissom's face. She walked fully into the office. "Whoa. Okay, what happened? What's wrong?"

"Sara …" Grissom's voice died. He swallowed. "She's gone."

"What do you mean, she's gone?" Catherine asked, stepping closer to him.

"She's gone," Grissom repeated.

"Gone, as in, gone for the day?" The look on Grissom's face was enough to tell Catherine that there was no chance that was the case, but she couldn't stop the question. She needed to hold on to some hope.

Grissom shook his head. "No, Catherine, she's gone. She's leaving Las Vegas."

"When?"

"I don't know. Now? In a few hours? Soon. She may already be gone."

"And, you didn't know she was planning to leave?"

He shook his head.

"When's she coming back?"

"I don't know if she'll ever be back."

"Wait," Catherine said, shaking her head slightly. "That doesn't make any sense. This is her home. Why would she leave it? Did you have a fight? Are you …?"

"No! I don't know what happened," Grissom said. His fingers trembled slightly as he picked up her letter. "She left me a letter …" He shook his head. "It doesn't say much."

"Call her," Catherine said at once.

"I tried. Her phone is off."

Catherine stared at him. Never, in all the years since she had met Sara, had she known her to turn off her phone. "Go home."

"What?"

"Go home. Stop her before she can leave."

A jolt of energy shot through Grissom. "Take care of things until I get back."

He nearly ran out of his office.

Tears raced down Sara's cheeks in hot streams as the cab drove her off the Strip. As they turned into the airport entrance, Sara swallowed, trying to get herself under control. She wiped at her cheeks in an effort to make herself at least somewhat presentable.

"What airline, ma'am?" the cabbie asked.

Sara shook her head slightly. "United," she said, throwing out the first airline that came to mind.

The man nodded and parked at the appropriate entrance. After he helped her with her bag, she paid him and walked into the airport.

Sara stared at the screen of outgoing flights. Each location seemed like a perfect escape. She could go to Barbados, and lose herself in the tropical landscape. Or to Montana, for an isolated retreat. She could go to Colorado, and take up skiing.

She shook her head. None of that made sense. She wasn't leaving Vegas for a vacation. She was leaving to fix herself – to reclaim the woman she knew she was. She didn't need to soak up the sun to do that. She needed to confront her past. Somehow, she knew that dealing with what she had been through years before would make her everything she had been through in the past few months something she could handle, instead of an insurmountable challenge.

Her eyes were drawn to two cities on the board: San Francisco and San Diego. One held the key to her past, and one held the comfort, and, potentially, the answers that she sought. San Francisco was where she had grown up. It was where her father had died. Where she had been taken from her mother. Where she had started her career as a CSI. Where she had met Grissom. San Diego was her mother's new home, the place she had escaped to after Sara's high school graduation.

As she stared at the monitors, a moment from her more recent past floated through her mind. She remembered her long-ago words to Brass when he had faced a heart-wrenching decision … Go with the living. The dead can wait.

Her decision was made. She would go to San Diego. She would visit her mother.

Grissom barely managed to stop himself from turning on his SUV's lights and sirens as he drove home. After the quickest time he had ever managed driving from the lab to their house, he pulled in with a sigh of relief.

"Her car is here," he said, parking next to it. He laughed shakily. "She's inside."

He got out of the car and hurried into the house.

"Sara?" he called as soon as the door was open. "Sara, where are you? Sara?"

The silence of the house pressed in around him. His breath caught.

"No," he whispered. "Sara! Where are you? Sara!"

He charged through the house, almost afraid he'd find her broken, unconscious body hidden away in one of the rooms. After a matter of moments, he acknowledged the truth: he was alone in the house. He was too late. She was already gone.

He sank down onto their bed and dropped his head into his hands. Why hadn't he seen the signs? They had been there, creating a chain of evidence for him to follow. And, now, now that she was gone, it was all too obvious. The forced smiles, the pained look in her eyes, the nightmares, the clinginess followed by the emotional distance, the irritableness, the quick temper … He had been losing her for months, but had refused to see it. Ever since her abduction, she had been different. He had ignored the signs, and lived in a fool's paradise. He had been so happy that she had survived her abduction that he had forgotten to make sure that she had lived through it.

"Oh, God, Sara, I'm sorry," he moaned. "I'm so, so sorry."

He picked up his phone and redialed her number. The silence followed by her voicemail greeting had become familiar at this point. He was nearly numb to it.

"Where are you?" he whispered. "I need to know you're safe."

He let the phone fall onto the bed beside him and buried his face in his hands again.

"I love you, too," he whispered.

Months later, Sara would be horrified at how much she paid for her flight to San Diego. As her plane touched down, however, the price was the last thing on her mind. All she could think of was seeing her mother.

She followed the other passengers off the plane as though in a trance. After claiming her bag, she followed the signs directing her to the taxi pick up area. She joined the line of people awaiting cabs, and patiently waited for her turn to board one.

After a wait that could have been either ten minutes or three hours for as observant as Sara was, cab pulled up in front of her. The cabbie stepped out to help her with her bag.

"Where are you headed, sweetie?" the older man asked.

Sara rattled off her mother's address. "Do you know it?" she asked.

He nodded. "It'll be about a thirty minute ride," he cautioned.

"That's fine," Sara said. Maybe the ride would give her time to organize her thoughts, and to reclaim some of her sanity – at least enough that she wouldn't terrify her mother upon her arrival.

"Okay, then," the cabbie said as they climbed into the car. "Let's go."

Grissom walked back into the lab without noticing a thing around him. He didn't even realize that Catherine was sitting in his office until she spoke.

"Gil?" she said softly.

He turned to look at her with deadened eyes. "She's gone," he said, the weight of the world crashing down with his words.

"You couldn't convince her to stay?" Catherine asked, still in her soft voice. She closed the door and sat down with Grissom on his couch.

He shook his head. "She was gone before I got home."

"Oh, Gil. I'm so sorry."

He shook his head again. "I don't know what happened, Cath. I mean … I knew she was having nightmares, but she kept telling me she was fine. I knew she wasn't the same as she was before, but … she had been abducted. That would change her, right? It changed Nick."

Catherine nodded.

Grissom finally looked up at her, his eyes over-bright. "We were going to get married, Cath. And, now, she's gone, and I don't even know if she wants that anymore."

"Oh, Gil," Catherine said, fighting against the excitement that came with the news that Grissom and Sara were engaged.

He shook his head and looked away from her. "I just … I don't know what I'm going to do now."

Catherine took his hand and held it silently. Grissom squeezed her hand, accepting the comfort and friendship she offered.

After so many years of friendship, and so many crises faced together, no further words were necessary.

Laura was in her kitchen, making herself a cup of tea, when her doorbell rang. She frowned, looking up at the clock. She rarely had visitors, and never so late at night. Assuming that the neighborhood children were playing a prank on her, she sighed and made her way to the door. She both mentally and physically steeled herself for a bucket of cold water or bag of flaming dog poop, and turned the doorknob.

Laura opened the door and stared at her visitor in shock. Two emotions hit her simultaneously: excitement that her daughter was there, and concern that her daughter was there.

"Sara," she said, finding her voice. She gave her a wide smile. "Come in, sweetie."

Sara stepped inside and stared at her mother with the eyes of the completely lost. "Mom," she whispered.

As soon as the word passed her lips, she burst into tears. Alarmed, Laura pulled her into a tight embrace. She held Sara to her and gently rocked her back and forth in a motion she had used to comfort her daughter since she had been a little girl. Sara buried her face in her mother's shoulder and sobbed out all her heartache and fear.

"Oh, Sara," Laura sighed. "What's wrong, baby?"

Her spasm of tears spent, Sara took a deep breath and pulled her emotions under control. "I couldn't do it," she whispered.

"Couldn't do what?"

"Stay there. Let him see me."

Suddenly very afraid, Laura took Sara's hands. "What do you mean, Sara? What happened to you?"

"Everything," she said. "Mom … I'm falling apart. I can't let Gil watch."

Laura released the breath she had been holding, and pulled Sara into the kitchen.

"Sit down," she said. "I'll get you a cup of tea."

"I don't want tea," Sara said.

Laura smiled slightly, thinking that, in some ways, Sara was still the same little girl she had been at the age of six. "It'll make you feel better."

After getting them each a cup of tea, Laura sat down at the table with her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Sara shook her head, then slowly nodded. "I just … Mom, I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a job I love, where I'm making a difference. I'm engaged to the love of my life. I survived an abduction that should have killed me. And, now … I just can't do it anymore. I hate my job. I feel like we're not making a difference. I feel like my past is overwhelming who I am, and like Gil shouldn't marry anyone who's as screwed up as I am. I just …" Tears began to slide down her cheeks again. "I can't do this anymore."

"Okay," Laura said softly. "Okay."

"Mom," Sara sobbed. "What's wrong with me? Why am I like this?"

"Sara …"

"Please, Mom, help me."

"I'm going to help you, honey, I promise." Laura grabbed her hand, gently stroking the back of it. "What did Gil say when you told him?"

Sara shook her head. "I didn't."

"You didn't tell him?" Laura exclaimed. "Sara, he's probably worried sick if he doesn't know where you are!"

"I left him a letter."

"Did you tell him you'd be here?"

"No-o," Sara said slowly. "When I wrote it, I didn't know where I was going."

"Okay," Laura said. She released Sara's hand and got up to get the phone. She put it down the table in front of her. "Call him."

"What?"

"Call him. He needs to know where you are, and that you're safe."

"Mom, I don't want to talk to him. He'll ask questions, and he'll want me to come home, and –"

"Sara," Laura interrupted softly, "listen to yourself. You're talking about Gil. You know he's not going to push you to answer questions you're not ready to answer. And, although I'm sure he wants you home, he'll respect that you need time now. If he didn't, he wouldn't be the man you love. You just … Sara, you need to tell him you're with me, and that you're safe. He's going to go crazy worrying about you if you don't."

"I don't want him to worry about me."

"So, call him."

Sara nodded slowly, and picked up her mother's cordless phone. She slowly dialed Grissom's cell phone number. It rang twice before he answered.

"Grissom."

She nearly choked on a sob at the sound of his voice. "Gil," she said, her voice wobbly.

"Sara!" The relief in his voice was evident. "Oh, my God, honey, you scared me to death. Where are you?"

"I'm in San Diego, with my mom," she said. "I … I need to be with her for a little bit. Did Judy give you my letter?"

"Yeah, she did," he said.

"And, you read it?"

"I did."

She sighed. "Gil … I am so sorry."

"Sara, I love you," he said. "I want to help you. I'll come to San Diego to be with you. It'll take me a couple days to sort everything out, but I have a lot of vacation time saved and –"

"No!" Sara said quickly. "Gil … no. Please, I need to do this on my own. I … I can't deal with you watching me fall apart. I don't want you to see me like this."

"Sara, I love you," he said again. "Whatever is going on with you right now isn't going to change that."

"Please," she said. "I just … I need to do this on my own."

"You're sure?"

"Very."

He sighed. "Okay. I won't push. I'll just … I'll let you call me, okay?"

"Okay."

"And, Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to call me," he said. "I want … I want us to be together."

She nodded, even though he couldn't see it. "I meant what I said in my letter, Gil. I'll love you forever."

He sighed. For the first time, love didn't feel like enough. "You'll stay safe, won't you?"

She smiled slightly. "I'm with my mother. What can happen to me?" Her smile faded. "You're the one who needs to stay safe."

"I will," he said. He sighed. "I miss you already."

Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. "I miss you, too. I'll call you again … when I'm ready."

"I'll be waiting."

"I love you, Gil."

"I love you, too."

Grissom waiting for her to say goodbye, but a quiet buzzing met his ear. She had hung up.

For the second time that night, he put the phone down next to him and dropped his head into his hands. Why can't she talk to me about this? Why can't she let me help her? Why is this happening to us?

Natalie. It had all begun with Natalie. Natalie had succeeded. She had taken Sara away from him.

She had won. He had lost.

He had never felt so defeated.