Animals in a Cage
Annaleise Marie
Chapter Twelve: Layin' Down Truth
AN: Oh boy, this chapter was a doozy, you guys. Talk about some writer's block. And on top of that, my betas actually have real lives outside of my story. I know, I couldn't believe the gall either. Haha. Anyway, the point is, I know this chapter took awhile, but real life is unfortunately a thing that happens to the best of us, right? Right.
Thanks so much to my betas, almondgirl3 and Faith212, who bust their asses to make my story better even though they have things like their own writing, work, and finals week going on. If you need a reminder of all they do, just go look at the chapters that were posted before they signed on.
And a special thanks this chapter to Lupinista, MyMindsEcho, and Hans153, who went back to high school and took time out of their day to evaluate a bunch of poems to give the characters unique voice. You guys rock, seriously!
X
APOV
The bus didn't come by my house because no one on my street rode the bus. That was why, on Tuesday morning, I waited on my front porch like I always did before school. I felt like there was a large rock made of doubt in the pit of my stomach, telling me that Jasper wasn't coming, but I refused to believe it yet.
Refusing to put my phone away, I kept checking the screen. I felt like one of those girls who waited and waited for a boy to call. But Jasper just wasn't any "boy". And he was going to call...
But he didn't.
Instead, Edward's Volvo came whipping around the corner at seven thirty-five and pulled up to the curb in front of my house. I stood up and gathered my bag trying not to look as hurt as I felt.
"Hey, sorry I'm late," he said when I got to the car. "Jasper only called me about twenty minutes ago."
I shrugged and reached behind me to grab the seatbelt and pulled it across my chest. "It's fine. Thanks for picking me up."
Edward shifted the car back into drive and we headed to school in silence. If he knew what was going on with Jasper, he didn't say anything about it to me. And if he didn't know anything, I'd rather it stayed that way. I felt...embarrassed.
We made it to school just in time for first period, and as I walked into English my eyes fell on Jasper's empty chair. The rock in my stomach got a little smaller. If he just wasn't feeling well and was missing school, then it would make sense for him to ask Edward to pick me up.
But then, just as the bell rang, Jasper came hurrying into the room. He headed straight for his desk, not even glancing at me. Rose shot me a confused look and I just ignored her, busying myself with opening my book and then digging through my bag for a pen. The rock felt like a boulder now.
"Yesterday we finished with A Woman of No Importance. Those of you who missed yesterday—" Ms. Floyd's eyes fell on Jasper, me, and - oddly enough - Rose. "—will need to schedule a makeup test. Today we will start on our poetry unit."
My eyes closed on reflex. Poetry. That didn't sound awful at all. Because listening to teenagers read meaning into poetry always went so well. And I wasn't just being snarky—I was pretty terrible when it came to poetry, myself.
"The first poem we'll be looking at is called Time Does Not Bring Relief, by Edna St. Vincent Millay." Ms. Floyd cleared her throat and started to read aloud, weaving idly through the row of desks.
"Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountainside,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go—so with his memory they brim...
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him."
She stopped between my desk and Rose's, peering around at us over her glasses for a moment as she let her words sink in. "What does this poem mean?"
I felt sick. I chanced a glance at Jasper, but he was looking straight ahead, slouched down in his chair and absently clicking his pen. He still hadn't looked at me once. The rock was defying physics and performing flips in the pit of my stomach now.
Jessica's hand shot up went up and Rose's shoulders shook slightly, her head dropping to her chest. Though she made no sound, my guess was that she was laughing. Jessica could say some pretty dumb things, but I didn't think she was actually stupid. Besides, how anyone could miss the meaning of this poem was beyond me.
Ms. Floyd nodded at her and she sat up straighter, propping her elbows on her desk. "Well, okay—it's pretty obvious that this chick is like, in love with someone and then they're just gone, right? And no matter what she does, she can't stop thinking about him and missing him, you know?"
"Well... yes, that would appear to be what the poem's about." Ms. Floyd looked torn between wanting to indulge one of her favorite students and wanting to correct her. "Does anyone else want to expand on that?"
"Well," Mike started, his finger trailing down his text book as though to physically show his point, "what about the weather and stuff?"
"The weather and stuff." Ms. Floyd's hand came up to pinch the bridge of her nose. Condescending bitch.
Mike's face flushed and I tried to give him a sympathetic smile but he didn't see me. "Well, yeah. It's talked about a lot, like, the tide and the snow melting and the rain flowing away... And all of that takes time, right? So I think it's about the passage of time how it relates to grief and stuff."
I think Ms. Floyd may have had a pet peeve about the phrase "and stuff" because her eye sort of twitched a little. But when she spoke all she said was, "Very good." She turned to scan the room, her eyes almost pleading at this point. "Anyone else?"
"I don't think it's sad," Lauren said. "It sounds really, like, angry to me."
"And why is that?" Ms. Floyd asked.
Lauren shrugged. "Well, like, she's sort of accusing everyone of lying to her, right? And it's her own issue, but she's sort of taking it out on everyone else."
"I don't think..." Jessica wrinkled her nose, staring at her book. "I mean, I see the anger part, at the beginning, but I don't really think she's taking it out on everyone. It seems more like she's running away."
"Yeah, but you can't run away from a memory. Seems like that would make a person mad." Lauren's eyes flickered to Rose and for a second I tensed, but Lauren didn't say anything else.
After a beat Ms. Floyd nodded. "But we're not talking about what someone might do or feel in that situation, we're talking about what this poem means." There was silence. "Anyone else?" More silence.
My throat felt tight; I knew what it meant...but I was not about to offer up my thoughts on the poem.
"Mr. McCarty, what words of wisdom do you have to offer?"
Emmett grinned at her. "I'm flattered, Ms. Floyd. Alright, here's how it is—"
"Emmett McCarty...layin' down the truth," Mike interrupted with a snicker. I recognized that tone. It was his "gathering voice".
"Damn straight."
"Language..." Ms. Floyd warned.
"Right, right. Anyway. It's basically saying that not only does time not heal all things or erase loss, but that an absence of a memory can be just as powerful a reminder of loss as an actual memory. And yeah, there's pain in loss, and there's anger in pain, right? So that's not wrong. But more than that, I think it's hopelessness. This poem isn't about the pain or the anger or any of that, is it? It's about trying to escape, and the futility of it."
Ms. Floyd just stared at him, slightly dumbfounded, and he continued to grin. "Yeah, your mind's just been blown. I'm motherfucking insightful as shit."
Emmett had always liked to do that to people. He wasn't stupid. Well, he sucked at math, but generally he wasn't stupid. He just didn't give a flying fuck about most things. But every now and then when he wanted to mess with someone, he'd whip out the "intellectual speech". Unfortunately, he usually followed it up with a string of profanity, and in this case it didn't go over well.
"The office, now." Ms. Floyd pointed to the door. "Maybe you can sell Mr. Green on your opinion that profanity enriches the English language."
Once Emmett had been excused, Ms. Floyd continued as if nothing had happened. I wondered if that always happened when we were excused. I supposed it must, it wouldn't make sense for everything to just stop, but it tugged at my mind...probably because of the thought combined with the poem.
When you're gone, everything just goes on like you weren't there.
"Next we're going to be looking at a poem called The City by C.P. Cavafy."
"You said, 'I will go to another land, I will go to
another sea.
Another city will be found, a better one than this.
Every effort of mine is a condemnation of fate;
and my heart is—like a corpse—buried.
How long will my mind remain in this wasteland.
Wherever I turn my eyes, wherever I may look
I see black ruins of my life here,
where I spent so many years destroying and wasting.'
You will find no new lands, you will find no
other seas.
The city will follow you. You will roam the same
streets. And you will age in the same neighbourhoods;
and you will grow gray in these same houses.
Always you will arrive in this city. Do not hope for
any other—
There is no ship for you, there is no road.
As you have destroyed your life here
in this little corner, you have ruined it in the
entire world."
"It just sounds like every person who's ever said they're going to get out of this place when they graduate and never do," Jessica said with a shrug before Ms. Floyd could even ask for feedback.
My eyes flicked across the room and my heart jumped into my throat when they locked on Jasper's. He looked away quickly, and the rock seemed to weigh about twenty pounds now. I wondered if I'd ever be rid of it at this point.
X
JPOV
By the last period of the day, I was perched on the edge of my chair, watching the second hand sweep around the clock face. When the bell finally rang I was out of my seat like a shot, grabbing my books and nearly knocking Newton over in my haste to get to the door.
I made it all the way to the parking lot and had my hand on the door handle of my car before I heard her.
"Jasper! Wait!"
My heart skipped a beat, as though it had tripped over itself in its rush haste to speed up. Not now. I couldn't do this now. But I couldn't exactly run from her, either. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. It had to be now. It had to be done.
I checked my reflection in the car window, making sure to keep my expression blank before I turned around to face her. Alice didn't stop running until she reached me, nearly running into me in the process. I caught myself before I reached out to steady her. I couldn't touch her. I couldn't do anything to show that I cared about her. That was hard enough. How was I going to say what I needed to?
"What's...going on?" she asked between panting breaths.
"I don't have time for this; I need to get home." I popped the driver's door open to emphasize my point.
"You don't have time for this?" She gaped at me, one hand coming up to cross her chest and grasp her backpack strap. "You don't have time to tell me why you're acting like this? Avoiding me? What are you? Twelve?"
I stared at the pavement. I couldn't look at her.
"What? You don't even have time to look at me? Bullshit."
I gritted my teeth and forced myself to glare at her. "You know what, Alice? Maybe I do have time. But I just don't want to." I took a step closer to her and towered over her, knowing how uncomfortable that made her. She took a reflexive step back. It felt like a punch to the gut to see her react to me that way. My very soul was screaming at me to stop. If I had seen anyone else treat her that way, I might have killed them. And here I was, doing it myself. "I don't want to talk to you. I don't even want to look at you. Ever."
She looked like I had slapped her. I clenched my teeth against a sudden wave of nausea. For the first time in nearly a year, I didn't think it had much to do with the chemo.
I turned away before I could see any more of the damage I had inflicted.
"The buses leave in less than ten minutes. Your old bus will still drop you off if you ask the driver. You should hurry," I said before shutting the door and gunning the engine. I threw the car into drive and pulled away; I made sure not to hit her, but I was careful not to look at her face.
It might've been kinder to run her over though...
X
EmPOV
"Oh my god, Emmett." Rose panted, arching her back; her brow beaded up with sweat from the exertion.
"Sorry," I gasped.
"Don't fucking apologize; I just don't—" She lost her grip and went flying backwards, smacking her head on the footboard of my bed. I nearly burst out laughing as a string of obscenities came spilling from her mouth. "Every fucking time!" She stood up and blew her hair out of her face as went to my desk and grabbed a pair of scissors. "I'm cutting the fucking thing off."
"You're not cutting it!" I jumped up, hurtling myself off the opposite side of the bed. "It was expensive!"
Every time we went cliff diving, I managed to get stuck in my wetsuit. I wasn't really sure how it happened. The stupid thing went on easily enough, and I was pretty sure water of all things wasn't supposed to make wetsuits draw up. But however it happened, it always led to a tug-of-war between Rose and the suit...and usually it ended with her getting injured in some way.
I was saved from my crazy scissor-wielding girlfriend when the phone rang. Rose's eyes narrowed threateningly. "You have until the end of this call to get out of that thing—or I'm shredding it." She picked up the phone. "Hello?"
I started tugging at the material, which was stubbornly refusing to move past my wrist.
"What?" Rose froze, her eyes going wide. "No, slow down; I can't understand you." I heard a weird wailing sound coming from the phone as Rose held it away from her ear. "No, no, you'll be okay. I'll be right there." She hung up and dropped the scissors back on the desk before grabbing her bag off the floor. "I have to go. Alice thinks she's dying."
"What?" I stopped tugging on the suit and stared at her.
She shrugged, but her face was drawn tight—that was about as concerned as her expression ever got. "Something about Jasper hating her and her lying. I don't know. I have to go."
"I'm sure she'll be fine. I mean, even if they break up, it's not the end of the world." I wasn't trying to get her to stay, but I thought everyone was overreacting a bit and it needed to be said.
"Yeah—except they actually love each other." She shrugged and headed for the door. I didn't answer her, and when she was gone I flopped down on the bed, still stuck in my wetsuit, turning that over in my head.
Rose and I...we weren't like the others and we both knew it. Alice and Jasper had been in love pretty much since the dawn of time, like they were born wired to each other, even before they met or some shit. They'd always been together, even before they were actually a couple. Which was cool, you know. Whatever. They knew what they wanted and what they were looking for and all of that crap.
And now there was Edward and Bella, who were both such seriously fucked up people that they just sort of sucked each other in. They were like the yin and yang of the crazies.
But Rose and I...we weren't like that. We weren't just drawn to each other because we're fucked in similar ways, and we hadn't always just known. Actually, I don't think that either of us are one hundred percent sure even now.
But we'd always been together, in some way, since we were little. And she'd always been mine. She was my best friend when we were kids, and that never changed. When we got older, and she got, you know, fucking hot as hell, we were still friends—but all of these other guys had started noticing her, too. And I just... I couldn't stand that. I really tried. But she was mine. As imperfect as she was, and as fucked up as we both were, we fit each other. Those guys never had a hope of understanding or being able to handle her. I couldn't lose her. So then she was really mine, and it worked. I guess that's the easiest way to describe us. We work. We weren't perfect, and it's not easy, but at the end of the day it had always been Rose and me.
People always seemed really disappointed when they found all that out. I guess they were always hoping for some great romantic story like Alice and Jasper's. But that was the point: Jasper and Alice were romantic and sweet and all of that shit. Their story fit them. Rose and I...our story fit us. It was fucked up and jealous and twisted as shit because that was who we were. I guess we were just lucky we found each other, because who the fuck else was going to be okay with that?
X
EPOV
I was competing in a staring contest with a fast food burger.
I couldn't remember the last time I ate a Big Mac. It was actually entirely possible that I had never eaten a Big Mac in my life.
Five hundred and fifty, my mind whispered. That's almost your whole total for the day.
I hadn't even picked up the burger yet, and I could already tell my throat and stomach weren't having any part of it. It was like my determination to stick to those numbers was actually making it physically impossible to do otherwise.
I stood up and dumped the burger into the trash can before making my way back to the basement.
I couldn't take her offerings of negative-calorie foods anymore. I just couldn't. I didn't want it to always be occurring to her how weird I was. I didn't want her to have to keep making allowances and adjustments for me. I wanted to be able to take her out, to go to dinner or the movies or something, and not have both of us obsessing over everything I ate or didn't eat.
But it didn't look like any of my habits were changing today.
I put in my earbuds and started running as I scrolled through the music.
I had been running for about ten minutes when I looked up and saw my mom standing at the bottom of the steps, the kitchen trash can in her hand and a strained look on her face.
I was so surprised that I nearly tripped. I barely managed to quell the curse threatening to burst forth as I pulled the safety key on the treadmill and ripped my headphones from my ears.
"Jesus Christ," I gasped as I stepped off of the belt. "What?"
"This needs to stop." Her tone was short. She always got very no-nonsense when she decided to confront the situation.
I grabbed my water bottle and sat down on the couch, twisting the top off as I thought about what to say. "I know," I muttered.
"You're going to end up in the hospital again." Her tone softened and she set the trash can down and walked over to sit beside me.
I sighed, leaning back against the cushions. "I'm trying."
She reached out and smoothed my hair back. She had always done that. I guess it was a nervous habit, grooming me like that. "Is there any way I can help?"
I knew this whole thing had been hard on her. Even when I was younger, when I was just sorting my food, it worried her.
I shrugged. It wasn't that I didn't want her help, or I didn't want to talk to her, but I honestly didn't know what anyone could do to help. "I want...to get better," I forced out. "I really do."
"Why now?" She looked surprised. "Not that I'm not glad to hear it."
"There's this girl..." I sighed and shook my head. "That sounds really stupid. But she makes all of these allowances and stuff for me. She's trying so hard to understand and work within the limits I set, but..." I tried to think of how I should phrase it. It was still a new concept to me, and explaining it was difficult. "I guess I just don't want her to. Until now, this has really only affected me, you know?"
Mom froze, her mouth turning down in a pained expression. "You think this hasn't affected anyone else?"
"I mean, I know you and Dad worry but—" I couldn't find the words to finish the sentence. That had come out wrong, but I didn't know how to fix it. "I don't know; this seems different."
Mom didn't say anything. I could tell she was hurt by what I had said, but she was trying not to show it.
"I don't know where to start with it," I said to fill up the uncomfortable silence. "I thought if I could eat that..." I nodded at the trash can that held the burger. "I don't know. I guess I thought if I could do that, everything else would be easy."
"I can understand that. But maybe you shouldn't start so big. Start with eating healthy stuff, just more of it." She frowned thoughtfully. "Do you need to go back to Dr. Freas?" Dr. Freas was my psychiatrist, an older woman who dressed like a gypsy and smelled like sandalwood.
I shook my head. "No."
Mom was quiet for a minute before she spoke again, smiling softly. "You know what I think?" She reached out and unstrapped the band with the safety key from my wrist. "I think you need to stop this. Find something else to do in the evenings. Go out with your friends. Go to dinner, or go up to Port Angeles and eat junk food at the pier."
I raised an eyebrow at her. She held up her hands, palms out, in surrender. "I know, I know. But I don't think you can start getting better here. This house has been part of your rituals for too long. If that girl makes you want to get better, then go out with her. Try to change a few things with her."
I was quiet as I thought about what she had said. She had a point. But the idea of letting Bella actually see me struggling with something as simple as eating... That was a lot easier said than done.
X
APOV
I had called both Bella and Rose. And once I'd hung up, I was immediately embarrassed. I should have gotten a better hold on my emotions before I contacted anyone. Rose especially was going to be so irritated with how I was acting. Or, that was what I thought.
But it was Rose who showed up first, and when I opened the front door she just pressed a pint of ice cream into my hand and stomped into my kitchen to find spoons. She didn't say anything as she flopped down on the couch and broke the seal on her own pint of Chunky Monkey. I looked down at the ice cream in my hand. Cheesecake Brownie. I just stared at her.
She patted the cushion beside her and held out a second spoon, breaking my surprised trance. I moved to sit with her but didn't open my ice cream, running my nail along the frost that had formed on the side of the carton, drawing random lines in it.
After a minute or two Rose finally broke the silence. "So what happened?" she asked.
I shrugged. "I guess... It's a long story. I was keeping this secret. And I think Jasper found out."
Rose dug her spoon into her ice cream in an especially violent manner, a determined look on her face as she unearthed a walnut. "So?" She popped the nut into her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. "He can't actually expect you to tell him everything, right? Everyone has their secrets. I'm sure he'll get over it." She took my ice cream from me and broke the seal. She removed the lid and handed the carton back to me.
"This...was a pretty big one..." I didn't know how much I should tell her.
"Hmm." She took another bite of her ice cream. "I swear to god if you waste that shit, I'm going to deck you." She nodded at my ice cream. "It's not cheap, you know. Besides," she said, a little softer, "it's good for the soul."
"I think my soul needs a bit more help than Ben and Jerry can offer."
She put her ice cream down and leaned back against the couch cushions, crossing her arms. "Okay, you're going to have to give me a little more to go on here, if you want my help."
I didn't know that I wanted her help. That was the problem. I mainly didn't want to be alone. I wanted to know that someone still liked me. But Rose had a pretty strong, if twisted, sense of justice. And any way you sliced this, if I was right and Jasper was mad at me because he had found out about his dad, I was wrong for keeping it from him. And Rose wouldn't exactly be gentle about that.
I should have just called Bella and left it at that. Bella would be sympathetic and let me wallow and tell me I wasn't wrong. Because even though I knew that wasn't true, I just wanted to feel sorry for myself for a while. I was hurt, and I wanted someone to think I was right to be hurt.
Rose wouldn't do that if she knew I had done this to myself.
I picked up my spoon and dug into the ice cream to buy some time. Rose was right. It made me feel better—a little, anyway. Maybe that was why Edward was always so moody. No comfort food. "It was a big secret," I finally said, my voice thick around a mouthful of brownie and cheesecake ice cream. "And like, I didn't even want to do it. But Lucy asked me to."
"Lucy asked you to keep something secret from Jasper?" Rose wrinkled her brow. "Lucy doesn't keep secrets."
"Pa-ha." I made a weird noise of disbelief and accidently sent flecks of ice cream flying onto the coffee table. "Sorry."
Rose waved it off. "So whatever this big secret was, you think Jasper found out?"
"And I think he found out that I knew and didn't tell him." I nodded. "Now he says he never wants to talk to me again. Or even look at me."
"Harsh."
"Right?" The doorbell rang and I sighed, sitting down my ice cream and standing up to answer it. "That must be Bella."
"Excellent," Rose said and I looked at her in surprise. She shrugged. "What? I'm dying to know what this secret is, but if Bella's here then I won't have to be the nosy one."
I rolled my eyes.
Rose called after me as I went to the door. "Anyway, I can't imagine Jasper saying that and actually meaning it. Not to you anyway."
I opened the door to find Bella on the porch, as expected. She looked worried. I don't know what she had been doing when I called her, but she had obviously left in a hurry. Her hair was damp, twisted into a tangled bun, and she was wearing plaid sweatpants and a tee shirt that were both about two sizes too big for her. The look was completed by flip-flops, and while they were both blue, they weren't quite the same shade.
"Are you okay?" Her voice was harsh but concerned.
I felt myself blush. "I'm so sorry that I worried you that much," I muttered.
She exhaled heavily, pushing a few stray hairs from her face. "What happened?"
"That's what I'm trying to figure out!" Rose called from behind me.
Bella shifted uncomfortably. "Rosalie's here?"
I nodded and stepped aside. "Come on in."
She stepped into the house, looking for all the world like a lamb being led into a lion's den. Yeah, that was the other issue with calling them both. It hadn't occurred to me earlier.
Rose, for her part, looked like a kid in a candy store when we got back to the living room. The truth was, Rose was amazingly nosy by nature. But she also hated nosy people, so she regularly battled that out in her own mind. I'm sure she thought that with Bella there, she could indulge her nosiness without appearing nosy. Vicarious nosiness. Nosiness in the third degree.
I sighed as I sat back down and Bella took a seat in the armchair by the television. "Why don't I just go ahead and tell the story before you explode?"
Rose shrugged noncommittally, digging her spoon into her ice cream but not taking a bite. "If you want."
I took a deep breath and started the story. As I went on, Bella's eyes flickered as though she were physically following the story on a page. Rose had completely forgotten her ice cream and was gaping at me like I might have lost my mind.
"Whoa," Bella breathed when I finished. "Just...whoa."
"So all of this happened in like...a day?" Rose's ice cream had started to drip onto her lap from her spoon and she hadn't seemed to have noticed it yet.
I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, I know all of this has been hard on him, but he changed like that." I snapped my fingers. "I can't think of what else it would be."
"Your life is like an episode of Days of Our Lives," Rose observed.
"I know right?" I had thought it was Lifetime or Jerry, but this situation had total soap opera potential now.
"Maybe he just got bad news?" Bella leaned forward, resting her elbow on her knee and her chin on her palm.
Rose frowned. "He has taken that stuff out on you before."
"Really?" Bella looked surprised and a little angry. "What a dick."
"He hasn't really. Not like this," I argued."He's usually just short-tempered in general. I mean, this time, he seems to really, really hate me. And not like, chemo-hate."
"Maybe you should talk to him." Rose finally noticed the dripping ice cream and followed up her suggestion with a curse, putting the spoon back in the carton and getting up to get a damp paper towel from the kitchen.
I flopped down on the other side of the couch, burying my face in the cushions. "He doesn't want to talk to me. And what if he doesn't know? I promised Lucy I wouldn't tell him, and if he didn't find out he'll just be madder, and she'll be mad, and I don't know about Jeff you guys." My voice faded into a whine.
"Jeff?" I heard Rose ask. "Where the hell did that come from?"
"What?" My voice was muffled by the couch cushions.
"It just seems really random with the rest of the what you said."
"I don't know." I groaned, sitting up again. "He's like... I guess he must care about Jasper, a little, right? I mean, he came all the way from Texas to meet him and be his donor. But while he was talking to Lucy, I don't know, he just seemed really...volatile."
"Well there's a lot of bad blood there," Rose offered. "It makes sense."
I shrugged. "He just seemed...off, is all. It's hard to explain."
"I agree with Rosalie, though," Bella chimed in.
Rose and I exchanged a surprised look.
"I mean, all of this aside, you have to talk to Jasper, right? You can't just live like this, anyway," Bella continued.
I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right." I pulled my phone out of my pocket, my heart squeezing when I confirmed that there were no new alerts. Jasper hadn't called or texted since he said what he did. I tried to shake it off and scrolled through my contacts to find his name. My heart pounded as the call connected and started to ring.
After a few moments the call rolled to voicemail. I disconnected and sat the phone down, tears burning my eyes.
Bella was chewing her lip. "He didn't answer?" Her voice was quiet, her eyes wide and sympathetic. I shook my head. "Maybe he's just busy..."
"Bella." Rose's voice held a warning.
"Well, we don't know—"
"No," I croaked, my voice breaking as everything inside me seemed to crumble. "He doesn't love me anymore."
X
Rose left when her mom called around eight and insisted she come home, but Bella stayed. She didn't say much. She probably didn't even know what to say. She cleaned up the long-melted remains of the ice cream and then took Rose's spot on the couch and patted my shoulder awkwardly.
"Things always get better," she offered.
I let out a weak sort of laugh, wiping at my eyes. "Thanks."
"I mean it. I mean, I've been there, you know. When you think it'll never get better...and then it does. Time goes on, and things change. Sometimes it's for the best, and sometimes it's for the worst, but it's always temporary. Things will always change again."
I couldn't see this ever getting better. "What if it doesn't?"
She didn't answer me. I sighed and rolled over from where I had been laying on my stomach, staring at the ceiling. "How did you do it?"
Bella took a second to answer, and when she did I could tell she was stalling. "Do what?"
"You know..." I muttered.
She sighed. "I overdosed. I figured it was kindest option for whoever ended up...finding me." She shook her head. "I couldn't stand to think of my mom walking into my room and seeing me hanging, or into the bathroom and finding a bathtub full of blood. I wasn't out to punish anyone."
I draped an arm over my eyes, trying to press the tears back in. I wasn't out to punish anyone, either. But that was the bitch of it, wasn't it? It only hurt the people who survived.
"You're not going to..." Bella trailed off, her voice shaking.
I shook my head. "No. No, I just wondered."
X
JPOV
James' mom was the only parent I've ever met who was younger than my mom, and she was infinitely more irresponsible. So when she up and left one day, no one was really shocked.
I don't know if James deals because he has to, or what sort of financial arrangement his mom left him with. It wasn't really my business, so I'd never bothered to ask.
Either way, it had turned his house into a sort of youth hostel, right in the middle of Forks. At any given time there was someone smoking up, drinking, tripping, or sleeping it off. He didn't manufacture or grow in his own house—I actually wasn't sure if that was his game at all.
I had never been so stoned in my life. I was surprised the thought occurred to me. I was surprised any thought occurred to me. I obviously wasn't stoned enough. I wanted to be completely outside of my mind. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to feel.
Pot wasn't really the drug for that, but I had been hoping it would work, anyway.
"Dude. You fucked up." It was the most James had said to me since I had shown up.
"Fuck off..." I sighed, rolling over on the couch and craning my neck to look at him. Victoria had taken up her usual post sprawled across his lap.
"You know I don't usually give a fuck about what anyone gets up to." James grabbed an ashtray off of the side table and reached into his pocket for his lighter. "But man, you had it good with Alice."
"You sound like a chick-flick," I said. He wasn't telling me anything I didn't know. "Besides, that's not the point."
"Then what the fuck is the point, man? You could...well, you know...die." His voice dropped and his eyes darted to where Maria was stretched out on the floor, staring at the ceiling with a lazy smile on her face. She didn't give any sign that she had heard him. He lit a cigarette and drew deeply on it, exhaling as he waited for me to answer.
I didn't. "You have anything stronger, man?"
"You don't need anything stronger."
"That's not what I asked you, is it?"
He stared at me for a moment; his eyes narrowed. I refused to break eye contact with him. Finally he sighed and patted Victoria's thigh. She stood up and he went to his room. "Fuck it," he said when he came back. "I don't give a fuck."
He held something out to me and I opened my hand to let him drop a small tablet into it. "What is it?" I asked.
"Something stronger." He sat back down, pulling Victoria back down on top of him.
"Seriously, what is it?" It was the first time Maria had spoken that night.
I didn't know what she was on, but it seemed to take a lot of effort for her to sit up and focus on James. I wondered, if she had managed to process that, if she had also managed to riddle out his earlier comment, but then I threw out the concern. It didn't matter. Maria was way too strung out most of the time for anyone to really give much thought to anything she said.
I didn't let myself think about it any more and placed the tablet into my mouth, throwing my head back and forcing it down. I was scared, truth be told. I had never ventured any further into drugs than marijuana, and I had no idea what I was getting into.
At first nothing happened, and I started to think that maybe James was just fucking with me, or just trying to get me to shut up about anything stronger. It was probably just an aspirin. That would also explain why he hadn't mentioned me paying for it yet.
Then my skin began to tingle. I couldn't decide whether it felt good or bad. It was a crawly feeling on the surface; deeper down it felt like nails caressing my flesh. I opened my mouth and looked at James to ask him again what it was, but the words died in my throat.
I could see everything.
Had I ever seen anything real before?
Victoria's hair was such a deep, vibrant red. It was screaming at me. It came to life, the curls twisting around, binding me in soft tendrils. It was like fire. Soft fire. I couldn't decide—couldn't think. Was this good?
Everything fractured. The very air around me shattered and I might have been gasping but I didn't need it. It made no sense.
There was a face in front of me and I wanted to touch her. The dark hair, the huge, innocent eyes. I wanted to touch her but I was bound. She glowed.
The angel.
"What the fuck did you give him?" That was wrong. She wouldn't say that.
Her hand reached out, touched my arm. She was cold. Or maybe I was burning? She didn't feel right.
Her face blurred, smeared, and I nearly screamed. But then she was back.
She was here.
"Alice." I felt my lips move, felt my vocal cords vibrate, pulled tight like the strings of a guitar. But I didn't speak. The sound came from everywhere. She was everywhere. I was everywhere.
"No." Her mouth twisted into a grin. Red and white and sharp and it stabbed me right through my chest. Her face flickered. Maria. "No."
Who was speaking? I could reach out and touch the words, but I couldn't tell where they were coming from. They were just there.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sure you are."
She touched my face. Cool fingers moved hot water. Was I crying? Why was I crying?
"I'm sorry."
"I love you."
"I hate you."
X
AN: Those of you who are frustrated with Jasper: Don't worry, I am too. It's appalling, really. You would think I have no control over his actions, with how offended I am by them. XD
Hmm. Oh. The poems used in this chapter are both from a collection called "Poems to Live By in Uncertain Times", compiled by Joan Murray. It's a really excellent collection, and it comes super-recommended by yours truly, for what it's worth.
So now, it's your turn! I've been writing for almost two weeks. Time for you guys to do it a bit when you get to that review box there. Because you're going to, right? :D
Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: romanceaholic, mandy7, Lupinista, deltagirl74, Twilighted, and Hans153. You guys made my life, pretty much. :3