A/N: Your reception has been amazing. I'm sticking through this thing...I will not desert you. I promise and also, our girl needs to get her shit together...bear with me. :)
Onward and forward!
Solitude (Billie Holiday)
It has been 72 hours and fifteen minutes since I admitted myself for observation at St. Rita's. Part of it was just to appease the intrusive people in my life and if I'm honest, the other part was to prove to myself that I can beat this new habit of depending on pills.
And because this was done voluntarily, now that the 72 hours is over, it is my decision to move to the outpatient rehab program or to go home and I'm pretty sure I don't want to either one. If I had it my way, I'd be back in New Haven, throwing myself into my studies, pursuing my career instead of being back in Lima, in a hospital, no less.
"Ms. Fabray?" A commanding voice says from the other side of the door, followed by a knock or three.
I do my best to be the picture of poise as I sit by the window, looking out at gray skies and a dismal parking lot. The world outside the window looks no better than the one inside my head but I'm sitting up in a chair. Which may I say, is a major improvement since I woke up here practically paralyzed, after passing out and suffering a concussion. The only good thing that came out of hitting my head on the side of the tub, was being able to miss out on the intervention that my mother had planned for me.
Some people would have gone on ignoring the problems in front of them but I took the hint. Instead of being discharged, I had asked for this stay, just so that I could stop myself from going off the deep end like before.
Not many people are aware of my short stays in Crisis after having Beth and then again after my Skank phase. I have done a lot to pull myself up and so I'm all too aware of when the next drop in the roller coaster ride is.
"Come in." I croaked, due to lack of talking for the last few days.
The door swung open and there she stood, no more than five feet tall in heels. She was an utter professional, even if she was Santana's mother, even if she had never called me Ms. Fabray in my entire time of knowing her.
She closed the door and stood near my freshly made bed. (Made by me, no less!)
"You asked for me to meet with you specifically, before we continue, I need to know if that is in a professional capacity or a personal one?"
"Is it possible to have a little of both?"
"Okay. We can try that." She said. I watched as she took a seat across from me and pulled a note pad and pen from her pocket. "Have you made any decision on what your next move will be?"
"I don't think I have a problem..." She took a deep breath but gave no other sign of contradicting me. "Yet. I think that I could potentially have a problem and the fact that I don't deal very well with change means that things could get much worse."
"Can I speak frankly?" She asked, still uncomfortable with the situation I had put her in.
"Please do. I trust you, Maribel. You've been in my corner since the beginning and I hope that you can be as frank with me as you've always been."
I felt a pang in my chest when I looked into the same smirk that Santana had given me a million times. It was always a warning that what came next might not be the easiest thing to swallow but I had asked for it.
"For years it has been apparent to me that you suffer from PTSD, not just from the accident but also from giving up your daughter and now that you have this opportunity to get her back you are sabotaging yourself. You've been in physical therapy for years, you have been on medication for years and it is only now, when you are on the cusp of something you that was only in your dreams, you're doubting yourself again. And its why..." She looked at me hard and then shook her head. "You know what, I'll keep that to myself for now."
My heart was stuck in my throat. She knew about me and Santana.
"Did she tell you or did you guess?"
The smirk turned to a grin and she shook her head.
"Lima is a small town, Quinn. She didn't have to tell me."
"I love her. Just so you know, I love her more than I ever loved anyone other than Beth."
Maribel's faced went blank and she nodded.
"I knew that too but that's not why we're here. Is it?" She said, returning to her professional demeanor.
"I don't know why, honestly. Maybe it is self sabotage."
"So what do you think your next moves should be in light of that realization?"
"I think that I need to take a timeout and really figure out how I'm going juggle what comes next."
"And how do you plan on doing that?"
"I don't feel like rehab is where I need to be, I've been here two days and with regular aspirin, I've been fine. I think I do need to get away from my mom and the pressure I'm under with her watching my every move. It's not helping."
"I know its unorthodox but you could come stay with me for a few days. Santana and Brittany are still out of the country and will probably go right back to New York, so you don't have to worry about them getting in your way. Maybe I can sit down with you and Judy. Talk you guys through your issues. Beth coming back to you, also means that Judy has to step up as a grandmother. It's a change for her. Frannie is so far, so her children aren't so present but I can't see you being that far from Judy."
It was like I had been in a half lit room and someone had opened the blinds. How had I not thought of how any of this would affect my mother. This was going to mean a major shift in our relationship dynamic as well. How could I be so blind?
In theory, staying in Santana's childhood room didn't sound like a big deal and at first, it wasn't of course, that was when I wasn't alone at night.
Her essence wasn't dripping from the surfaces but a stale version of her scent did. This was her sanctuary, even now but it wasn't what I remembered.
Little by little, Brittany had inserted herself into the room, rainbows in the oddest places, unicorn stickers, and that weird breakfast shirt that I had last seen her in was tossed on the floor just by the headboard.
The sheets were clean, Maribel assured me, but somehow this shirt had been missed and it hurt in a way I didn't know possible. As the street lights shined into the dark room, I pulled off my clothes and slipped the shirt over my head.
Call me insane if you so chose but just for a moment, I envied the other blonde in our trio. I envied the way that Santana looked at her and the way that they fell in sync with each other effortlessly. They were always two halves to a whole, like twins separated at birth. I hated Brittany for the hold she had over Santana but at the same time, I couldn't help but admire it.
I climbed in the bed, Brittany's shirt was the only thing touching my body and I wept like I never had allowed myself to before. It was an ugly cry, the kind that Santana would slap me for and Brittany would cuddle around me and encourage. That thought made it even worse. I buried my face into the pillows and sobbed like the pathetic slouch I was being.
I passed out at some point, sleeping deeper and more peacefully than I had since the night I got my first Yale 4.0. I woke up to my phone buzzing and complete darkness. I groaned, not wanting to move, the peace had been so welcoming, so secure and now I was being yanked from it.
"This better be important." I growled into the phone.
"Quinn?"
Every alarm bell in my head was going off, my heart was thudding and I was now wide awake. I pulled the phone away from my face and saw that I had only been sleeping for three hours and it was the middle of the night. I also verified that it was the last person that I wanted to speak to while I sat in their bed.
"Santana, it's three in the morning."
"I'm aware. Are you aware that you're in my bed, in my mother's house?" She chuckled.
"Um..." I looked around the room for a hidden camera because it would be just like Santana to have someway to record all the sex she proclaimed to have. "Are you watching me?" I suddenly felt my face flush, embarrassed at the prospect of her seeing me in such a delicate, deranged state.
"I wish. No. Mami called me and told me that you would be staying so I needed to steer clear but you see, I'm feeling some type of way because she wouldn't tell me why you're there and I know I'm supposed to be leaving you alone or whatever and I've been so good, haven't I? I'm committed to what you asked me to do, B and I just watched the sunrise, in fact. Right now, she's doing some kind of beach yoga on the beach and I just couldn't wait another second to check in on the squatter in my bed. Did Judy get back with Russell or something?"
New tears ran down my cheeks I pictured them on an island, watching the sunrise. I felt like such an idiot.
"I was having a bit of breakdown, actually. Your mom suggested that I needed some time to myself and offered to let me stay here."
"That's awkward." She chuckled, the faint sound of a glass clinking as she continued to speak, "Like I said, I'm keeping my promise. I'm loving her with everything I've got. What are you doing to hold up your end?"
"I don't recall making a promise to you."
"On the contrary. I'm talking about one you made to yourself. A birdie tells me how close you are to getting Beth back," She burst out in a fit of chuckles. "Sorry, the idea of Puck as a tiny bird just came to me." She let out a sigh and then continued. "Way back when you dyed your hair in Kool-Aid, you promised that if you ever had the chance to get Beth back, you would move heaven and Earth to do it. Correct me if I'm wrong but Beth isn't there with you, is she?"
"Goodbye, Santana." I sighed, ending the call with a frustrated grunt, knowing that she was way too accurate. I also knew that she'd call back and I was a little more prepared when she did, so much so, that I didn't even give her a chance to speak.
"Look, it's not going to be that easy to get her back, Santana. I have to ease her into it and I plan on doing just that soon enough. I just need to get myself together first. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to get myself together, is that so wrong?"
"Bullshit. You're putting off the inevitable, like ALWAYS. You're probably sitting in my bed after crying yourself to sleep and moping about what could have been when you pushed ME away countless times. So I call bullshit on your whole pity party, Quinn Fabray. You are so much stronger and smarter than this. You hesitate way too much. That's how Rachel stole Finn, that's how you and I ended up apart. I came after you before getting back with Britt and what did you do?"
"IpushedyouawayandgotwithBiff." I said in one breath.
"That's right you wasted time with that Ass-hat. You hesitated in coming to Rachel's wedding and you ended up breaking your back. Nothing good has come of your pussyfooting around, so stop hesitating already. The world isn't going to wait for you anymore. Pursue your daughter like you pursued that degree. Everything else can wait. Even me." And with that, she hung up, leaving me in the darkness in a breakfast t shirt, with a headache blooming, and my heart at war with my head.
What a place to be!