Yeah! Another chapter!
But there is a reason why this one took some time... This was the hardest chapter I had to write, no joke. But not for the same reasons you may be thinking. Meh, we shall see...
Anyway, enjoy.
(Benvolio, Mercutio and the Montague crew walked onstage.)
Benvolio: Hey, Merc, I don't think this is such a good idea….
Mercutio: (laughing) Thou art like one of those fellows that, when he enters the confines of a tavern, claps me his sword upon the table and says "God send me no need of thee!" and, by the operation of the second cup, draws it on the drawer when indeed there is no need.
Benvolio: So… basically you're saying I'm just as guilty of starting a fight as you are.
Mercutio: Yeah, pretty much.
Random Guy: (from offstage) Hey! He-!
Author: (also from offstage) Cork it, dude!
Benvolio: (pointing offstage) Oh great, here come the Capulets!
Mercutio: Ha! By my heel, I care not!
Random Guy: (as the other Capulets come onstage) I am NOT going out there!
Author: I wrote this script, so you are!
Random Guy: Make me!
(Suddenly, Random Guy, dressed as Tybalt, stumbles onstage, rubbing his butt in pain.)
Benvolio: That's gotta hurt.
Random Guy: You're telling me. (gives Author a tiny glare while she smiles like a chibi anime character) Anyway, can I have a word with one of you?
Mercutio: And but one word with one of us? Couple it with something. Make it a word and a blow.
Random Guy: (confused, but still somehow getting it) Um…. You "consort" with Romeo, right? (an epicfacepalm can be heard backstage, most notably from the Author)
Mercutio: (his anger slowly growing) Consort? What, dost thou make us minstrels? An thou make minstrels of us, look to hear nothing but discords. Here's my fiddlestick. Here's that shall make you dance. Zounds, "consort"!
Benvolio: (trying to hold Mercutio back) Uh, is it possible that we could talk somewhere private?
Random Guy: We can't. The script calls for us to stay onstage. (Gregory whacks Random Guy upside the head, and he continues as he sees Romeo enter onstage) Ah, here's the guy I was looking for! (shaking his hand) Hey, how's it going, man!
Romeo: (confused beyond belief) O…kay….
Random Guy: Great! Oh by the way…. Uh, you suck. You're a villain because you tried to hook up with my cousin and, uh…. I totally hate you. (pushes Romeo off and starts acting all gangster) What do you say to that?
Romeo: Hey, I'm no villain! You don't even know me! So… I'll see you later, okay?
Random Guy: (throws sword in front of Romeo) Ha! You think you're getting away that easily? (laughing incoherently) Fight me.
Mercutio: (really angry and annoyed) O calm dishonourable, vile submission! Tybalt, you ratcatcher, will you walk?
Random Guy: What do you want from me?
Mercutio: Good King of Cats, nothing… (pulls out his sword) but one of your nine lives!
Random Guy: Bring it on!
Romeo: (trying to make Mercutio understand) Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up!
Mercutio: Come, sir, your passado!
(Suddenly, Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting plays in the background and the two fight. Random Guy dodges using multiple karate moves, clearly ripped off from Jackie Chan-)
Random Guy: (stopping mid-fight) HEY!
(Anyway, soon Romeo steps in and tries to break up the fight.)
Random Guy: Wait! (they stop again, along with the music. To Author) Do I stab him now?
Author: Yes now!
Random Guy: Oh. Okay! (thrusts towards Mercutio) Hiya! (Romeo jumps too late as "Tybalt" runs Mercutio through. He starts laughing nervously.) Oops.
Gregory: (grabbing Random Guy's arm) Time to get outta here!
Random Guy: (stopping in his tracks) Whoa, whoa, hey! Shouldn't I at least apologize?
Sampson: (annoyed) Get! (Random Guy is shoved offstage as the Capulet men follow)
Romeo: Well, uh…. That didn't go well.
Mercutio: (dropping to the ground, groaning in pain) I am hurt. A plague o' both your houses! I am sped. (grabbing Romeo by the shirt) Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm!
Romeo: I thought it was the right thing to do….
Mercutio: Well, you thought wrong!
Random Guy: (offstage) He did it again! (Author smacks him on the head) Ow!
Mercutio: (to Benvolio) Help me into some house, Benvolio, or I shall faint. (as Benvolio is lifting up Mercutio and escorting him offstage) A plague o' both your houses! They have made worms' meat of me. I have it, and soundly too. YOUR HOUSES!
(Romeo is left alone onstage.)
Romeo: (almost in complete disbelief) Oh my God…. What have I done? What have I done?
(Meanwhile offstage, Benvolio has a difficult time calming Mercutio down.)
Mercutio: YOUR HOUSES! CAPULET AND MONTAGUE!
Benvolio: Dude, shut up!
Tech Guy: (watching from a safe distance, holding a broom) Oh no...
Mercutio: (now shaking Benvolio very aggressively) A PLAGUE O' BOTH YOUR HOUSES!
Benvolio: Mercutio, stop! I can't breathe!
Mercutio: YOUR HOUSES-! (A thump is heard as Mercutio falls to the ground)
Benvolio: (falls onto the floor regaining breath, looks up to see Tech Guy) Thanks.
Tech Guy: (helping Benvolio up) No problem.
Benvolio: (running onstage) ROMEO! (starts choking up) …He's dead.
Romeo: (darkly) The future will be affected by today's terrible events. Today is the start of a terror that will end in the days ahead.
Random Guy: (whispering backstage) Do you realize how Mary Sue-ish this is sounding right now?
Author: (offended) Shut up.
Benvolio: Oh boy… here comes Tybalt.
Romeo: He's alive, and Mercutio's dead? (as Random Guy comes onstage) Now, Tybalt, call me "villain" again. (draws his own sword) Mercutio's soul is floating right above our heads. Either you, or I, or both must go with him!
Random Guy: Look, dude, I'm sorry about your friend, but…I-I-I don't know what to do. But if you wanna fight again… (happily redrawing his sword) I am for you!
Romeo: This shall determine that!
(The two fight blade-to-blade. Fear explodes on Random Guy's face as Romeo becomes more aggressive. Romeo "stabs" Random Guy, who screams and falls to the floor, bumping his head. Romeo drops his sword in shock.)
Benvolio: (staring at Romeo) What are you waiting for? Get outta here before the Prince kicks your-!
Romeo: I know! I'm going! (as he zips offstage) Oh, I am fortune's fool! (Exits)
Montague, Lady Montague and Capulet: (entering onstage, seeing Tybalt and Mercutio) OMIGOD.
Lady Capulet: (walking onstage, oblivious) What's going on here? This better be good because I've been trying to do my hair for the past three-! (sees Tybalt) My cousin! NOOOOO! (starts bawling over his body)
Prince: (entering onstage with the guard) What happened?
Benvolio: Long story short: (pointing to Tybalt than Mercutio, offstage) He killed him- (pointing to Tybalt) Romeo killed him- (putting his hands up) And I had nothing to do with it!
Lady Capulet: (to the Prince) Are you actually going to believe him? He's a Montague!
Montague: (to the Prince) Romeo and Mercutio were friends! I can't believe-!
Capulet: (to Lord Montague) My nephew is dead and you're actually defending what your son did-!
Lady Capulet: (still bawling) My poor nephew!
Author: (to the Director) Did we ask them to be this crazy-?
Director: Hey! You're the one writing this dumb script!
Author: (offended) Excuse me? Oh, you're gonna get it, Mr. Bossman-!
Prince: (annoyed by the growing volume of sound that is the people) EVERYBODY SHUT UP! (the room falls silent) That's it! I can't take it from you anymore! I won't take excuses. Since the murderer of Mercutio is now dead, this situation brings me to a terrible decision...Romeo is banished!
Lady Montague: (now in the same amount of distress as Lady Capulet) NOOOO!
Prince: (looking to the guards) Let's get out of here before more stuff happens. (they exit, leaving the families to sink into their depair)
Director: And cut! (the actors stop) Great job guys! (hops onstage, seeing Mercutio on the floor offstage) Hey, Techies! (Tech Guy pops up from backstage) Take care of our resident psycho, will ya? (points to Mercutio, who is still unconscious) See that he gets to the hospital? (Tech Guy then drags Mercutio away, never to be seen for the rest of the story. Director walks over to Random Guy, who is still laid out on the floor) Hey, kid, great job! I didn't know you were such a good actor! (pats Random Guy on the back, who is STILL on the floor.) Kid? (Random Guy doesn't move)
Author: (coming over to the Director) What's wrong?
Director: The Kid…. He's not moving….
Author: Probably passed out on the job. (shaking Random Guy) Wake up, dude! Hello? (She tilts him over… and sees a red mark on the costume) Oh my God.
Director: (calling offstage) We need a medic down here stat!
Author: (pressing two fingers at his neck) … I don't know if I can feel a pulse.
Benvolio: (coming from backstage) What?
Director: (calling offstage) Someone call an ambulance!
Author: (freaking out) I told him not to say "consort"!
Director: (comforting the Author) It's gonna be okay, alright? He hasn't lost too much-.
Author: (starting to cry) Don't say it!
(Suddenly, the doors burst open and a medical team floods into the theatre. Random Guy is surrounded by medics, testing to see… well, you know)
Medic Dude: (to Author) Miss, we… we really don't know how to tell you this but-.
Author: Oh no…. (starts crying)
Medic Dude: He's not dead. But he is unconscious. We think he might be in a coma.
Director: A coma? Great! Here come the lawsuits!
Author: (elbowing the Director in the gut) But he is gonna be okay right?
Medic Dude: …Well… we don't know.
Author: (grabbing the Medic Guy by the shirt) Whadaya mean you don't know?
Director: (to the panicking Author) Calm down, missy!
Author: DON'T CALL ME MISSY!
(The yelling and screaming continues until a curtain falls down on the creative team of Fortune's Fool)
Alright, alright... I've calmed down. I told you this was a hard chapter for me to write. Hope you don't hate me for... well, you know. But I will leave you with this: Not everything is how it appears ;)