Chapter 14

Her arm was linked with his, as it often was when they walked the village streets together. More than usual, people stopped them, today to congratulate them. He was nearly afraid the awkward tension in his body would be visible to others every time they smiled and waved. He felt his guts churn.

The New Year's Festival was always a crowd bringer to their village. There was street cart vendors with exotic food, games children could play for stuffed prizes, and after sunset there would be fireworks.

Kakashi looked at the face beside his. "I hear your village's festival is also a sight to behold."

She smiled back at him. "The firework displays have always been my favorite."

"I hope Konoha's live up to your expectations," he replied. "Last year's was-" he stopped midsentence looking towards the familiar sound that shouldn't be making the hairs on his neck tingle.

They had reached Ichiraku Ramen. In the flux of people the little noodle shop was filled, patrons were even standing in the street, eating out of the kind of cups that instant ramen was made in.

He was there. Laughing with his comrades over his favorite meal, in the noise of happy celebration.

He felt the arm holding his shy away and he realized he'd been staring. He turned to his companion, trying to recover with something, anything.

Mai only smiled, her red glossed lips, stretching over perfect teeth. "I'll find a place for us to watch the fireworks. I trust a former shinobi like yourself would be able to find me in a crowd."

He nodded dumbly, wondering why she was offering. If she knew. In the weeks leading up to the announcement Mai had been more of a presence in the tower. Eating lunch with him, bringing him dinner. He had tried his hardest to swallow down his feelings but he was sure, the way she smiled sadly, she knew something, just how much he couldn't say.

Kakashi watched her go before walking towards the group of three shinobi. "Enjoying the festival?"

They all snapped upright. "Hokage-sama!"

They dropped to a bow so quickly one spilt his ramen cup. Kakashi waved a hand, "enough with the 'sama' please."

"Oh, um…" Only Iruka was smiling at him. The other two were trying to figure out what to say, and then one started to tease the other about spilling his ramen.

Iruka laughed again, a rolling wonderful sound that turned Kakashi's core into a terrible tidal wave. He swallowed hard, and clenched his jaw, trying to keep control of himself.

Then they were gone. The two had walked back under the banner into the ramen shop to get the man a refill.

It was just the two of them.

Iruka smiled and tilted his head in a sort of lazy bow. "Kakashi-sama." Then he turned and started walking.

Kakashi felt himself following. "Were you going to watch the fireworks, Iruka?"

Feet stopped and beautiful brown eyes turned to him, he felt oddly like they were searching for something. Then they looked down shyly. "I was. Shouldn't you be-" He lifted his head, looked down the street, then back at the Hokage. He started walking again. "I read the official announcement," Iruka said, there was no mistaking the sadness in his voice this time.

Kakashi didn't know what to say. He wanted to confess everything and nothing all in one second. He was so afraid of his own tongue he dared not to say anything.

Iruka laughed again and touched the back of his head in a nervous gesture. "I didn't mean it to sound that way."

"How did you mean it?" Kakashi asked.

"Just, um, congratulations, I guess." He turned down a side street. There was fewer people and more shadows cast from the setting sun.

"Ma, you don't sound very convincing, sensei," Kakashi teased with a smile behind his mask. He wanted to see the man blush again.

"I'm sorry," Iruka said instead. His voice was honest and it shocked him a little. "It just seems kind of strange to me."

"Marriage? Or marriage to me?" Kakashi replied in a jesting tone.

That did it. Iruka was blushing, his eyes downcast to the side, watching the street as they walked. The shadows were getting longer.

Wait, why had that made him blush?

"I am happy for you, Kakashi-sama." He turned again, heading towards residential streets, almost as if on autopilot.

Kakashi walked beside him, not caring about anything else. "Are you, Iruka?"

"Of course I am," he lifted his head smiling wide, but it seemed too perfect to be real.

What was he trying so hard to hide?

"I'm glad to hear that," Kakashi said honestly. All he wanted was his shinobi to be happy, for his village to be happy, for Iruka to be happy.

Iruka's feet stopped and he looked up at the building. "It seems I've walked home…"

Kakashi smiled. "I thought you were going to watch the fireworks."

"I guess my feet had other plans," he laughed tensely, touching the back of his head again.

There was a flash of light and they both looked up. Kakashi hadn't realized his eyes had adjusted to the dark, to the dimly lit streets, until there were explosions of bright colors against the inky sky.

It wasn't the best of places to see the fireworks. Others were out lining the banks of the river or on rooftops, but his eyes dropped back to the face illuminated by changing colors, and he felt like they should be jealous of him. He stared at the teacher's wonder stuck lips.

Then Iruka's chin dropped and he was staring back. His eyes. They weren't calm and warm, and welcoming, they were aching, and longing for the exact same thing he was.

Kakashi could see it, as plainly written across his face as any one of the man's reports had been.

The fireworks display went on and they stared, not exchanging a single word. Kakashi watched the knot in the teacher's throat move as he swallowed. He watched the way his eyes caught the changing lights. The way his blush disappeared in the dark between them.

Was this real?

The spell was broken by the sound of the village applauding and cheering after the final onslaught of blasts in the night sky, after the last light fizzled out.

They blinked and it was the two of them, alone on a dark street.

"Would you like to come in for tea, Kakashi-sama?" Iruka asked, and Kakashi could tell from his voice he hadn't really meant to say it.

Still, he nodded. He watched the man open the door and followed him inside, "thank you, sensei."

Iruka turned on the lights, walking into the small apartment. He reached down, pulling off his sandals. Kakashi did the same out of curtesy before fallowing him into the bright kitchen.

"Um, have a seat, Kakashi-sama," Iruka offered tensely before going to the cupboards to occupy himself.

It was extremely odd to have the Hokage of the village as a guest in one's home. They both recognized that. Still, Kakashi visited Gai in his room all the time. Surely this wasn't so unheard of.

Iruka looked over his shoulder briefly while pouring their tea. Kakashi caught the slightest blush on the teacher's face as he laid the Hokage cap on his table. He really couldn't stand the thing. He thought it made him look shorter somehow.

Iruka turned and put the cup in front of him. Kakashi thanked him. Iruka sat across his superior with his own cup in hand. "I really am happy for you, Kakashi-sama. Mai seems like a wonderful woman," he tried to pick up a conversation.

His grey eyes watched the teacher's face. His voice was a happy tone as it usually was but his eyes, they seemed distant, detached somehow. Kakashi wondered what he was thinking, really. If he had been mistaking Iruka's kindness for something else.

He looked down at the tea cup, reaching for it. The teacher's dishware was plainer than what was left to him at his new home, and there was a chip in the rim from a fall. He thought of the curse that must have escaped Iruka's innocent mouth when he dropped it. He pushed the thought away. They were talking about Mai. "She's perfect."

Iruka smiled. It didn't last long, eyes drifting back to his tea.

Kakashi saw it. "But I don't love her," he decided to be honest.

Iruka's head snapped up. His face became brighter. Kakashi's gut twisted. Was he seeing what he wanted or was it real? "But- then why are you marrying her?"

Kakashi watched the tan hands on his cup, lifting it for another drink. One had a scar, a long white scar across the back of his hand from his first knuckle to the bone of his wrist. He looked up again realizing he had been quiet for too long. "My council suggested it. The Hokage needs a wife."

"Lady Tsunade-"

"A different circumstance," Kakashi interrupted.

"So… it's not real then?" He sounded hopeful.

"It's real," Kakashi corrected, "I just don't love her."

"Oh," he said quietly.

The next words were on the tip of his tongue. He could feel them sitting at the edge of his throat wanting desperately to be said out loud. Kakashi knew fear on the battlefield, courage was sometimes all a shinobi had, but this, it was a new terror entirely. He stared at his untouched tea, stomach too tight to spare a sip.

He understood, at least part of him, that this was wrong. He had made a mistake drifting so easily to Iruka and away from his responsibilities, but the look in those brown eyes and the way a shy smile convinced itself into the corners of his lips, had him questioning everything he knew he should do.

Temptation sat literally just in front of him. His toes were just over the edge of a cliff, all he had to do was tip forward and fall.

He took a step back.

"I should go," he said tensely. He stood from his chair and stepped out of the kitchen.

Iruka followed him. "Oh, um, did I say something?"

"No," Kakashi said quickly. He felt his heart racing, feet begging to jump, and it was terrifying.

"Kakashi," Iruka's voice was worried, almost panicked, afraid he'd done something wrong.

Kakashi froze near the door. He couldn't let him think that. "Iruka…" his name felt nice on his tongue. He heard the pad of his bare feet come closer. His eyes closed, body tense, he was stuck.

"I'm sorry," Iruka said carefully. "I didn't mean to pry. I won't say anything, if you're worried…"

"It's not you that worries me," Kakashi shared. He let out a sigh and turned back towards him. "It's me."

Iruka swallowed a thick knot in his throat, his cheeks turning pinker. "W-what are you saying, Kakashi-sama?" Iruka seemed more hopeful than confused, brown eyes shining. He knew exactly what he was saying.

Kakashi stepped towards him. His hand hesitantly reached for the teacher's face, suddenly wanting to just to touch him.

Iruka's eyes slid closed as soft breath escaped him, he leaned into the touch and Kakashi was falling.

He was painfully aware of his predicament and what the right thing to do was. The smart thing. It would be to put space between them, a lot of space.

What he ached for was the opposite. His feet refused to move. He knew he should stop touching him. That the warmth of his skin on his, in just those light brushes, would make him want to touch more of him.

Iruka's eyes opened. The shining brown irises held so much pain and yearning. Kakashi forgot how to breathe.

Iruka's fingers found Kakashi's, pulling his hand away from his face, doing what the other man lacked the will to do. "You can't start- this- with me," he said in warning, but his voice held no conviction.

"I can't stop," Kakashi corrected. "I don't know what this is, but I think you feel it too."

Iruka's eyes fell down between them. Kakashi's hand still in his. "But-"

Kakashi had heard enough. He didn't want to think about Mai, about his responsibilities, he wanted to forget about everything. He just wanted Iruka.

Before the other man could protest any more he moved forward, releasing the tan hand in his, and slid his arms around Iruka's middle, to pull his body against his. He wouldn't let go. Not yet.

Iruka relaxed against him. His hands clutched at the white robe.

Kakashi could feel the promise of a warm body beneath his covered palms. Before he realized what he was doing his hand slid down over Iruka's back. He could feel the toned muscles and delicate curve of his spine. His body leaning forward to press against his slightly taller frame.

Iruka sighed softly and held him tighter.

Kakashi's hands found the teacher's waist and rested on his hips, fascinated that he felt so warm. He felt his own lower half move forward, wanting there to be no more space between them.

He stopped himself. Kakashi cringed at the nagging in his head. This was the dumb choice, the wrong one, no matter how very right it felt.

With some sort of will and struggle for better judgement he pushed away from him. "I need to go." Iruka stared, face flush. He looked so tempting. Kakashi had to turn away. He grabbed his sandals, leaving so quickly he couldn't spare time to close the door behind him.

Iruka stared at the open door, slumping against his wall.

Kakashi didn't make it far. Konoha was still noisy, celebrating, though it had died down. People were in bars drinking, at restaurants, in their homes. Few were still out on the market streets. He felt like he was on fire in the chilly night air. His choices became less clear, less between right and wrong.

His feet came to a stop on a rooftop, not sure which way to move anymore.

How could Iruka be the wrong choice? How could love be the wrong choice?

Then he realized it and with a pained groan he spun to go back the way he'd came. He had left his cap.