Always

by Master Snape

Severus was imprisoned in Azkaban after the war. Even though it was not a life sentence, the Wizengamot decided a five year incarceration would appease the hatred of a public who still wanted Severus Snape punished for his crimes. This is the story of two enemies who after the war, attained a mutual respect that eventually turned into love through a shared correspondence.

14. Chapter 14

*Authors note*

Here is the new chapter of the week, and it is THE ONE I KNOW YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: Severus responses to Harry's letter.

I will try to post a new one each Monday, (Scottish time).

I know this chapter is one of the longest I have written yet, but all of you deserve it for all the kind words and reviews you have left since my last post. Please keep them coming in good or bad, for it helps me to write better and motivates me.

Also, many of you may want to go back and reread chapter 13 again as I edited it better and added just a wee bit more. Since I do not have a beta to work with, it takes double time to go over each post.

And now, without further ado Chapter 14 of 'Always'.

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Harry James Potter

12 Grimmauld Place

London, United Kingdom

12/August/1999

Since you had the tenacity to use my given name without my express permission, I felt only justified to take the same obstinate road…..Harry.

I suppose you expect an apology for my last missive; however you will receive no such thing from me. I still have my doubts as to your interior motives upon my person. As you persistently say (with much irritation I might add) that you are my 'friend' then you should know by now that I rarely if ever trust anyone. Those select few in whom I DID place my trust, failed me in the end. I am sure you are intelligent enough to understand how that can change a person in many ways.

I have never had any friends who did not in one form or another die or turn against me…even your mother.

Somehow I've always believed that if she had just given me a chance when I asked for her forgiveness, my life would have gone in a different direction. She was my life line Po…Harry. Without her, part of me died and I eventually gave in to the pressures of my own House.

Having to survive in Slytherin not only as a known Half-Blood, but one that came from the dirt poor area of Cokeworth, Manchester, was like trying to swim with two anchors tied to your feet. After your mother turned her back on me, the only person I had left whom I could actually call a friend of sorts was Regulas Black. Our mutual hatred of his brother brought us together in more ways than one. I felt I finally had an ally in my own House I could trust.

One year later when he left Hogwarts midterm without so much as a note, I felt betrayed. Anger had replaced any…..feelings that had been between us. Of course it wasn't until much later I learnt he had died hunting Horcruxes in order to save our House, and me in particular from joining the Death Eaters, which was a constant pressure in Slytherin house at that time in the late 70's.

With Regulas gone, and me foundering in a sea of mistrust and hate amongst my peers because of my background and looks, Lucius Malfoy stepped in and took me under his wing. Since he was the leader of our house so to speak, (Slughorn was little more than a servant to his own well being and usually never even made an appearance in the Slytherin dorms unless ordered by Dumbledore.) it felt almost like an angel had appeared out of nowhere and saved me. Being young and naiveté still clinging to whatever innocence I had left, I believed everything he said and promised. He even offered me a place to go to during holidays so I would never have to face the wretchedness, filth and abuse of Spinner's End again. I kept in touch with my mother through owl post, but I never stepped foot in that decrepit tenement again until nearly two decades had passed; something I do not wish to discuss.

Through Lucius, I gained the grooming, prestige and culture I had never been able to access otherwise. For that, I DO owe him gratitude, however such things always comes with a price, something I learnt when I found out I was being groomed to join the Death Eaters. When Lucius finally took me to The Dark Lord himself, there was no turning back from the road I had chosen. He seduced me with promises of power and most important, my own Potions lab where I could cultivate and experiment to my heart's content. With no past to go back to, and no future ahead I took the only path I could at the time and joined The Death Eaters. It was either that or face a life of poverty and degradation.

Believe it or not P..Harry, there was still a part of my soul that wished NOT to join. Somewhere in the inner core of every human being lies our deepest innermost selves- our true selves, and that part kept me up at night whispering this was a mistake. I could not shake it. In desperation, I even tried reaching out to Lily one last time through owl post. What I received in return was your father's owl with a letter that plainly stated:

"Lily Evans and I are getting married upon graduation. She already said yes, so as her intended, I will ask you politely (for HER sake) to leave us alone Snape! Crawl back to hell and rot with your Death Eater Friends. You don't deserve her, and never did."

J.P.

I joined The Death Eaters the next day and never looked back until your mother died, her blood upon my hands forever. It was only then I realised what a stupid fool I had been, and in doing so, lost the only person that truly mattered to me…..something I can never make up for.

Understand this well Harry; I hold no blame to Lily Potter for turning her back on me. She did the smart thing in cutting all ties to my person. We may have been best friends, but all that changed when we entered our respective Houses. I did everything in my power to keep our friendship alive, but the Marauders made sure to shame me with every chance they had. It was always 4-1, but I held my own. Lily, in her own naiveté wanted all of us to get along, but you know as well as I do, that is an impossible task with two opposing Houses, and Potter trying to gain her attention every chance he got. I just could not accept those terms.

The only thing I can say your father ever got right other than fathering you, was that I did NOT deserve Lily Evans. I failed to meet her expectations, and hurt her too much to forgive me. I deserved every ounce of spitefulness she gave me.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I wanted to make it exceptionally clear to your eyes, that with the life I have had, I trust no one….not even you. Perhaps time can change that, but as of now, you will have to accept the circumstances of what made me the despicable man I am today.

I gave you a wizard's oath that I would answer these ridiculous questions, and as promised I shall.

Be careful though what you ask Harry Potter, for you may not like the answers you will receive, for they are the truth, and many times the truth can be worse than a lie.

1.Once you're finally free (and that day will come), what is the first thing you'd like to do?

Gaze at the sky without bars obscuring my view. It has always been a great comfort to me to watch the sky. I can recall many nights I slept on the Astronomy Tower in my youth just to watch the vast night sky….and wishing I could fly away from there. How ironic that same tower would be the same place I would later murder my mentor.

I will add, a long soak in a bath full of steaming clean water would be adequate as well.

2.Do you watch the stars at night?

Yes. See question one.

3.Describe a childhood memory that you treasure. If you don't have one, than it could be any memory, as long as it's one that has significant meaning for you.

When I was a child, and began showing magical abilities, my father made me lay on my bed, remove my clothing so he could whipped me with his belt - buckle and all. He kept screaming that his son was not going to turn into a freak like the bitch he married. My mum came in and pleaded for mercy since I was only seven, but he was drunk and spat in her face before shoving her out of the bedroom and locking the door. When the beatings began, I was crying, like any other child would, but after he threw my mum outside of the room and I could hear her crying on the other side of the door, I bit my lips until they bled so she wouldn't bear the burden of hearing me scream. Every beating I received from that time forward, I never made a sound, which in many ways infuriated my father and made him beat me harder. Though the pain was almost unbearable, the thought that this son of a bitch was frustrated because he couldn't break me, made my inner self stronger.

Later that same night, after my father finally passed out in their bedroom, my mum slipped into my room holding a very small metal tin. She put a finger to her lips and told me to lay still. I felt her hands gently apply this gelatinous salve to my back and was stunned as the pain slowly began to disappear. When she was finished, I sat up and felt as if I had not been beaten at all! When I touched my back, I felt scars, but they were all healed. I looked at her with wonder before throwing my arms around her neck and asking that question all Muggle children ask when not raised in a Magical society.

"Mum, what's wrong with me? Am I…a freak…like da says?"

That night my mum took me into her arms, and together as we lay in my bed, she told me the truth about my magic and who she was and where she came from. She also made me promise never again to show my abilities in front of my father, for he would never understand. The prospect of anything 'magical' both frightened and filled him with jealousy.

I fell asleep in my mum's arms feeling safe, secure and perhaps for the first time in my life up to that moment, hopeful. When I woke in the morning she was gone, but later that day, she began my tutoring in the world of magic, especially in Potions and healing which was her forte. She had saved all her Potions books along with some others which she kept hidden in a place she knew my father would never look. Our secret tutoring lessons (usually held when da was out drinking) were the best part of my childhood, and one that secured a relationship to my mum I still treasure to this day.

4.Tell me about the last time you truly smiled Severus.

The day Lily and I received our Hogwarts letters, for although it pained me to be separated from my mum, it was also my chance to finally be free of my father and Spinner's End.

5.If I could cook you a complete meal (pudding included) what would it be?

The thought of you cooking anything sends chills up my spine as much as seeing that wretched snake that nearly killed me. However, if you CAN actually fix a proper meal without Miss Granger's help and the fire brigade knocking down the door, I would be inclined to say... for starters Eccles cake with a brandy. Malkin pie as the main, something my mother made exceptionally well. For pudding Battenberg cake. This cake was first introduced to me by Dumbledore at a Christmas staff party, and was one of his 'sweets' that I could actually tolerate. After hearing my comment, he had it made every year, and I have grown a fondness for it.

6.Close your eyes and envision this one word: Contentment. What do you see?

There is a painting by Renoir called 'In the Meadow'. All I will say until you view it with your own eyes is that it reminds me of a period in my life when I first encountered Lily and her sister. I was content watching them for weeks, until I was finally discovered. The painting invokes innocence of youth before corruption seeps in.

7.Name a place you would like to travel to one day, any place in the world.

I would like to see the cave where Regulas died in his attempt to save his Housemates and the world for that matter. I owe him that much.

8.Tell me the title of a poem which inspires you. I know you read poetry because I helped Minerva pack and store your belongings in Spinner's End after your trial. With Draco still being held in lock down for his own upcoming proceedings, he was unable to help, and I couldn't stand the thought of anyone else sorting through your personal belongings. Minerva felt the same way, so rest assured, we took many steps to ensure your privacy as we packed, although I couldn't help but notice the books. We share many favourite authors you know, especially Muggle ones.

I should be upset that you dared invade my privacy by even glancing at my books, but I suppose it is too late for that now since the deed was done.

If you can figure out why I treasure this poem, my respect for you will greatly rise considering all I have told you.

Sir Lancelot and Queen Guinevere: A Fragment - By Alfred Lord Tennyson

Like souls that balance joy and pain,
With tears and smiles from heaven again
The maiden Spring upon the plain
Came in a sunlit fall of rain.
In crystal vapor everywhere
Blue isles of heaven laugh'd between,
And far, in forest-deeps unseen,
The topmost elm-tree gather'd green
From draughts of balmy air.

Sometimes the linnet piped his song;
Sometimes the throstle whistled strong;
Sometimes the sparhawk, wheel'd along,
Hush'd all the groves from fear of wrong;
By grassy capes with fuller sound
In curves the yellowing river ran,
And drooping chestnut-buds began
To spread into the perfect fan,
Above the teeming ground.

Then, in the boyhood of the year,
Sir Launcelot and Queen Guinevere
Rode thro' the coverts of the deer,
With blissful treble ringing clear.
She seem'd a part of joyous Spring;
A gown of grass-green silk she wore,
Buckled with golden clasps before;
A light-green tuft of plumes she bore
Closed in a golden ring.

Now on some twisted ivy-net,
Now by some tinkling rivulet,
In mosses mixt with violet
Her cream-white mule his pastern set;
And fleeter now she skimm'd the plains
Than she whose elfin prancer springs
By night to eery warblings,
When all the glimmering moorland rings
With jingling bridle-reins.

As she fled fast thro' sun and shade,
The happy winds upon her play'd,
Blowing the ringlet from the braid.
She look'd so lovely, as she sway'd
The rein with dainty finger-tips,
A man had given all other bliss,
And all his worldly worth for this,
To waste his whole heart in one kiss
Upon her perfect lips.

9.I know you carry a deep passion for the art of potion-making, but was teaching your true goal, or did you dream of a different path in your life?

I wanted to be a Potions master first and foremost, not a professor of any kind. I wanted to go into deep research and perhaps cultivate new remedies to help the sick as my mother had done before marrying that bastard who fathered me.

10.How did you survive Severus? This is such an important question because we all thought you were dead when we left you in the Shrieking Shack. If we had any inclination you were still alive, we would never have left you in such a state. I can only hope that one day you'll forgive us for doing so. It would help me a great deal to understand how you came to survive the war.

Alas, we come to a question I cannot answer as I also do not know. The last thing I remember of that fateful day was searching into your green eyes, imploring you soundlessly to take my memories so you could finally know all the truths Dumbledore had kept from you. I was doing my utmost to find you before The Dark Lord did so I could tell you the things you needed to know, but you kept escaping from my grasp. I am not angry, for how could you know I was not the enemy? Knowing only what you knew of me in that time period anyway, I doubt you would have believed me, so perhaps all that happened was for the best. Pensieve memories do not lie, and it was something you could see and finally understand.

Dumbledore had us both caught in a chess match neither could win.

The last thing I remember was drifting into peaceful darkness before finding myself in St Mungo's prisoner's ward bound to my bed by shackles as they treated my injuries. The rest you know.

I made it a goal that if I were to ever leave this insufferable place, I would find whoever saved my life. I cannot owe another life debt Harry. It is all I have ever lived through; one debt or vow after another; never a free person in my own right. Even if I leave Azkaban today, I will not be truly free until I discover how I survived, who did it, and why. I do not believe people do things without a motive, and this is one I must figure out.

Now that I have kept my wizard's oath and answered all your questions, I have decided to continue this correspondence for a little while longer.

As I read, YOU offered under a wizard's oath to answer ten questions for me.

I have decided to take you up on this offer.

So now I ask you Harry James Potter:

1. Tell me what your childhood was actually like. All I know is what I heard from Dumbledore who stated quite often you were treated well and had a loving family. This seems to contrast with your statements of you and I 'having similar upbringings.' I did not know Petunia very well, but from the times I spent with her when she tagged along with Lily and me; she seemed a vindictive and jealous child. Since Dumbledore has told us both many untruths, I want to know the truth from YOU.

2. You mentioned your dreams and the copious amounts of Dreamless Sleep (something we will have to discuss in a future missive) you take. I want to know what you see in your dreams, and what they entail. Leave no details out. I ask this for a reason I shall not divulge in at this time.

3. Since you decided to spy upon my library, what is YOUR favourite poem or book?

4. What happened to the three Hallows: The Elder wand, Resurrection Stone and Cloak? For the sake of the wizarding world, I pray you did not keep them.

5. I understand this need you have for isolation, but take it from one who knows, it is not worth the loneliness and desolation that will undoubtedly follow. You are still young Po- Harry. You can train and study while still making the most of your life, including finding a person of the female persuasion you may one day marry. Your mother would have wanted this, so I ask why are you so alone when you have the world at your feet and any witch you could pick as a mate?

6. Did you really attempt to hex The Minister For Magic on my behalf?

7. Why in Merlin's name do you continue this fight for me? If it is for feeling guilty as to my sides in the war, I forgive you and set you free. If it is out of pity, I will cease this correspondence today. If it is out of remorse, again, all is forgiven. 'We each had a part to play in this war, and we played it well', as you so eloquently put it in one missive. So why then do you persist on fighting for someone who belittled you and treated you like a pariah during your youth?

8. Tell me of your favourite place to relax that brings you peace in mind and heart.

9. Do you really care for the wellbeing of my godson as much as he claims?

10. What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

I expect your response not in two months as was your last missive, but in two weeks.

Severus