"Thank you all very much for coming!" my sister announces as guests flock to the gates gaily. I'm beside her as ordered, waving with her like I was present for the event. She still has so much energy at midnight, which doesn't relieve my aggravation. To be honest, she makes me look bad. I slide away from her.
And yet, I still want to watch her from the corner of my eye. She's radiant; it's blinding. Her skin glows as much as her hair shines. I envy and love her at the same time. I have a headache.
The last guest has departed and the gates are squeaking shut. I'm lost in thought until the old wood slamming together jolts me.
"I've had a wonderful time but I must be going," Prince Hans tells Irene and Anna, "I hadn't expected the party to go so late, sailing back might be a problem." They've been making cheap small talk since he introduced himself to my sibling.
"Oh but it's so late, hun. Why don't you stay in one of our guest rooms for the night?" Irene pats his arm.
"I couldn't, I would hate to intrude."
"Come on, it'll be fun!" Anna chimes in, "You had invited us into your home."
"Let us return the favor," Irene seconds.
"If you insist." Hans lets them lead him towards the door as I follow close behind. Irene goes on to ask him about homelife and party thoughts and politics, and of course both women are swooned with his charm. I can't blame them, so was I.
The night proceeds with the prince, princess, and nursemaid make the biggest of small talk in the parlor. I observe from afar, looking over occasionally if beckoned but keep my eyes on the fireplace until the grandfather clock startles all of us as it hits the witching hour. The chime halts all conversation, then Hans stands and shakes hands with the two women with their undergarments around their ankles. "Oh I best be off to bed, as well as you lovely women." He is the most hardcore flirt I've ever seen.
"Of course, I'll show you to your room," Irene says, taking her time to walk into the hallway. I begin to stand as Hans bids farewell to Anna.
"Happy birthday again, your highness. Sleep very well and goodnight," he kisses her hand and she blushes.
"Thank you, Prince Hans, to you as well." She attempts to curtsy, though she almost twists her ankle in the process. He smiles and turns to me.
"And to you as well, Princess Elsa," his grin leaks when his back is turned, "I hope you have pleasant dreams." He comes over to kiss my hand as well.
"Goodnight and please sleep well," I tell him. Irene leads all of us up to the bedrooms. Anna goes to hers. Hans goes to his. I stand in mine, waiting for Irene to go to hers. When I hear her door close, mine opens. I sneak into the guest room to find Hans undressing. His chiseled abdominals flex while he pulls his shirt off. He hears the door close but acts as if I'm not here. I know this because he isn't surprised to feel my hands rubbing his shoulders, then inching down to his chest. "You did great," I whisper to his neck, gently giving it a kiss. As I come up, I notice how soft his hair looks and suspend the massage to feel it.
"Thanks, your majesty," he smirks in the dark.
"You could be a snake charmer, you're so charismatic." I sit on the bed and watch him climb over me. He talks while lowering himself unto me and nuzzling my neck warmly.
"You overestimate me."
"No need for modesty. A minute longer and they would have hopped in your trousers."
"I can smell them from here." We kiss again, his lips are so warm on mine.
After a while of not talking, I break the silence, "I've missed you."
He looks down at me like he's discovered diamonds, "I've missed you too." He pecks my forehead slowly and leans his against it. "It's late, let's get to bed," he adds while I yawn. We kiss once more then I'm out the door before he knows I'm off the bed.
"I had no idea you were going to be able to make it last night!" Anna tells Hans across the table. I took the chair next to him so she got the next best thing. As they talk, I watch the sunrise make the trees glow. The sky couldn't be bluer; the clouds couldn't be softer. In my almost boredom, I've drawn small hearts on the table with my fingers, safely tucked inside my gloves.
"I enjoy your company, your highness."
She smiles shyly, "Thank you, I enjoy yours too. But you don't have to be so formal, I'm just Anna."
"It's only polite to address the hosting monarchs as superiorities." He gives her a look that is more sincere. She can't look away. I watch Irene who is watching them, like they are the one true pairing, then she looks over to watch me watch her watch them. Anna and Hans eventually move back in their seats, noticing the eyes on them. Hans nudges me under the table and I nudge back. I think nudging is our unofficial secret code.
We finish breakfast and soon Hans invites my sister out for a stroll. It doesn't take as much convincing from Irene to let her leave compared to me, for obvious reasons. So they left and I peered out the door as Anna's pigtails bounced with each step, her dress twirling and eyes glinting in the morning sun. Just on the other side of the gates, they interlock arms.
They were gone for almost an hour on their walk, and Hans is supposed to leave soon. I inform Irene of my concern but her only reply is, "Oh let them have a little fun, together. This is good for Anna, she needs someone like that." She goes back to scrubbing the banister.
It sort of stings that her pity is placed more heavily with Anna than me. I feel sick. I trudge away, my feet are weighed down with anchors. "What's the matter?" her stern voice asks my back. When did she lose the warmth?
"What?" I turn, shoving tears in my back pocket, knowing I look like the girl who cries at nothing.
"What's the problem?" She puts down her damp rag and comes down the stairs to me, folding her arms almost impatiently.
I examine her stance and immediately recoil. She's not the person I thought was my friend. "Nothing."
"Spit it out."
"No." We're a foot away from each other, holding our stand-off in the middle of the foyer. "Who are you?" I mutter finally.
"I'm someone who's trying to take care of one of the two children I was entrusted with. Now answer my question!"
"Why? No matter what I tell you, what the hell is going to change about it?! What the fuck does it matter what I tell you!"
"Elsa!"
"Irene!" We echo around the tall ceilings for a long while until it dies into silence. I stare at her wanting to scream. I duck my head away to collect my pieces before I fall apart. Then once they're glued together loosely, I ask her, "Do you even care about me anymore?"
There is too long a silence. Irene is not one to lie unless it's extremely important. I watch her lip quiver as she moves in to hug me; I jerk away. "Answer my question."
She looks around the room, thinking of what to say. I'm drowning waiting for an answer. After a lifetime and another century, she says, "I do care. But the rest of us have to move on with our lives... with or without you."
I bite my lip, not even attempting to hide the tears, "So that's it? You'll just leave me behind to move yourselves along."
"Anna is the only one who has a chance of making a life for us, and Arendelle. We can't sacrifice that for a depressed heiress who can and will destroy everything in her path." Her words have been boiling inside her for ages now. I can feel it in her breath. I thought she was the only person who understood, but now I see. She is the flame to melt the ice "We just can't."
That has been one of the last times I've seen Irene. I've avoided her at all costs. When Hans came back with Anna, I pulled him aside and told him I'd miss him and that I couldn't go to see him off at the docks. After dodging his questions for half an hour, he understood and was off. I haven't seen him in five months now. And hell have they been long.
It's Irene's responsibility to look after me, so she can't avoid seeing me. However she has avoided talking to me for weeks at a time. Anna gave up trying to talk to me. I sit in my room and read. Every few days I start a new book and eventually I run out and have to ask a staff member to get more from downstairs. I don't leave me room. I locked my door and sometimes I think about tossing the key out the window.
My nursemaid has "forgotten" to feed me from time to time. I occasionally get drowsy from starvation or dehydration. But in the morning, my wake up call picks the lock and gives me a piece of toast or shares his breakfast. He's started sneaking extra sausages or apples when he does the rounds. Without him, I would have died in the cold of my room.
There was one day I went further than the doorframe, and that was when mail call had an envelope addressed to me. I slipped carefully down the stairs to where my sister and Irene were walking off in different directions, packages and envelopes in hand. I held my breath as the older one passed me, but she wouldn't even look at me. Anna glanced up the stairs and briefly at me, then furrowed her brows and walked away. The courier handed me a sealed note, missing the return address. She looked at me with pity in her eyes, then turned to leave.
Once I was locked away again, I opened the note. The date next to the familiar cursive was Dec. 9th, and then it read:
Dear Elsa,
I think my last visit went well with your sister. I think everything is going smoothly. My family is planning to attend Arendelle's Christmas Banquet, and I have weaseled my father into letting me go this year! So I guess this letter serves as my RSVP. Oh all the more time to spend with the future queen of Arendelle and Anna, I can't wait. ~Hans
Meet me in the garden by 9:30 Christmas Eve. I love you, Elsa.
I feel the bowl of butterflies I had for breakfast hit my stomach, fluttering around and tickling my inner organs pink. I snatch a pin from the desk drawer and post the letter next to the others on my wall. Hans rarely gets a chance to send mail, so my collection is scarce. However, each paper fuels my drive; they enhance my stamina ten-fold. I've read the four notes over and over again, the oldest ones I have committed to memory. Being so isolated has given me a chance to focus on something outside of the curse, yet all the more time to watch it grow stronger without control, and with it coming more isolation.
The evening has progressed slowly since the mail has arrived. It's been roughly ten hours since I've eaten this morning's leftover brunch. I've usually spent some of that time wondering how Irene had hijacked the kitchen to make sure Princess Elsa of Arendelle would be forced to beg for scraps and eat like a vagabond.
It's a long train of thought I lose myself in before I realize my foot is tapping to a far off music source. Pings of ice bounce on the floor beneath my chair. I drag myself to the window to see Irene in the courtyard with some other dark skinned people and Anna, singing. One of them is playing a fast-pace violin and others are beating some drums. It must be Irene's birthday again. I look at the calendar to where I've previously circled and then scribbled out December 19th and huff.
Every year on her birthday, she invites her family to the castle, always getting permission from my parents of course, to celebrate. They always bring exotic food I could never get any other time of the year, and they love playing music I could never hear unless uncle Zeb and Irene's mother Ysolda had brought instruments. Sometimes, Irene would sneak me out later in the night, with my boots and wool hat at the ready, so I could join the party. I couldn't dream of her doing so now.
For a while, I participate from my window, getting bits and pieces from the lyrics, but it didn't matter anyways. I had heard this one several times. Many of the verses I was already familiar with. It's the one about a siren falling in love with a sailor she meets on one of his voyages. I crack open the window, letting the strumming and booming fill the air; the life and the love.
As the wind creaks the glass further open during a break in between songs, I hold my breath when Irene looks up at my window. I refuse to move a muscle, not daring to blink, as I know she could see it. I wait an eternity before attempting to peek down again, finding, though, that she has moved on from me. Soon, music starts up, though I hang my head on my knees, letting a ice cold tear run down the bridge of my nose into my lap. The next song is one of my favorite song. It's called Mwanga, it's a traditional african song about being happy and seeing the silver-lining. Irene told me it was written by an african taoist, but I never really knew what a taoist was until years later. But she'd always pull me downstairs before they played this song so we could dance to it together.
After several minutes, I quickly shut the window. Why did you have to say those things to her?! I scream internally, Why are you so idiotic! Another tear hits the floor, another icicle hits the door. I wipe my cheek, aggressively sending another blow to my canopy. The post cracks and the curtains sway. My oil lamp lies in pieces on the floor.
I throw more snow around the room, a blizzard ensues soon after; the fifth one this week. There's a blast that deflects off of my mirror and hits me in the stomach. It wakes up a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. This utter despair inside me; a cocktail of rage and depression and hopelessness. I realize that before, there were ways out of my messes, but here I'm being pulled underground with nothing to hold on to. Hans is my last string of hope, though even he can't save me from everything.
For an hour, I watch the breaking dawn climb over the mountain tops. The sky, an orange-pink blur. I've decided I refuse to live like this anymore. I am a queen who has forgotten her strength; an alpha-female tiger who has discredited her teeth.
I wait patiently while there is the usual hustle about the hall. Once I account for some staff, Irene and my sister, I count the seconds on the clock for fifteen minutes. When the nimble hand strikes the twelve, I bolt for the door, carefully unlocking it as to keep quiet.
I survive the first steps out into the hallway. Some maids round the corner behind me; I hear them stop shortly after, pausing any chitter chatter. They stay silent for the duration of my regel stroll to the staircase. My head held above everyone: above those maids, above the kingdom, above Anna and Hans and Irene, above the clouds. I am above everything.
Maintaining a straight back, as if balancing a book on my head, I walk tall, a lion among sheep. Concerned glances and low gasps follow me to the dining room, where a sister's laugh echoes. My pace stays ever slow, letting the others appreciate my presence. I take it in until I reach the end of this corridor, refusing to allow any hesitation.
The door opens a little too soon for my comfort, but I don't let it show. The guards had pushed them before I could - a new touch I hadn't noticed Irene had added. Anna and Irene sit at the end of the table across from each other, as per the usual arrangement. My sister notices me first, but only after I've cleared half the trek. The nursemaid keeps talking, ignoring the young girls fearful silence. I approach without a glance in their direction.
I reach my father's old kingly seat, pull it out and take my place. A nervous waiter pushes in my throne, then backs away. Irene has halted her words to glare at me. I can hear the gears clicking away in her, looking for anything to say, though all she manages is "Hello, your highness," in a monotone way. I say nothing in return. After a long while answerless, Irene turns to Anna and continues her story.
The same waiter returns to take my order. I give him mine with a booming voice, interrupting their conversation. Once he leaves, they continue. It's a short, awkward time before the chef comes out with two other kitchen boys to serve our meals. A plate is sat in front of Irene, which I glare at and call the chef to my side. "Now, Chef Soulie," - I read off the monogram - "Why were you hired to work in the castle of Arendelle?" I hum, an eery pleasantry in my tone.
"Your highness?" he querries.
"Why were you hired to work in the castle of Arendelle?" The two women flanking the head of the table burn holes into me, their eyes flicking from me to each other and back again.
"To lend my talent to serving meals for the royal family, your highness."
"Would you say you do your job well?"
"Why, yes, madame. I would"
"I would agree, except you have made one tiny mistake."
"A mistake? Your majesty-"
"Do not fret, Chef, it was a simple mistake, I am not angered. You see this plate here to my right," - I gesture to the food in front of Irene, she glares at me sternly, "it is too far away from my other one. How am I expected to eat the food from it if it's a mile away?"
"Your highness, I-"
"It serves no purpose at that place mat, and it's not going to be eaten by anyone else but me, nobody is sitting there. I wish for it to be moved closer next time, that is all." Before I finish the word 'all', Irene slams her plate on my place mat, clanking loudly against my other one, and storms off. "Thank you," I tell the chef. He nods and retreats to the kitchen. My sister stares at me while I eat. Eventually she continues on her food. Some time goes by silently until "Hi, sister," I greet her.
She stops chewing and drops her fork nervously in her lap, "Hi, me?" Anna scurries to get her utensil then straightens herself up. She looks at me with big eyes while I wait for her to settle.
"Yes, hello you," I keep all of my patience on the outside, with very little to spare on the inside. I stuff my face with Irene's breakfast.
"Uhm..," she tucks her hair behind her ear, "It's nice to see you out of your room."
"It would seem I was hungry enough to leave it," I say in between bites, "Five months is a long time without a proper meal, you know."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see pity and ginger braids, "Right," and there is a sort of empathy in her tone. I plow through my first plate and push it aside, pulling my second closer. Anna pokes at her eggs and asks shyly, "I'm assuming you and Irene aren't on good terms, right now."
"Yes, she's made her point clear."
"Which was?"
I take a moment to think of an appropriate reply to this little freckled girl, "She wants me to take care of a matter that is out of my power to manage."
"Well that's not right. She must understand that you can't do everything on your own."
"Apparently, she thinks otherwise."
"There must just be a miscommunication or something, I could talk to her if you want." She's still so eager to be on my side, I'm a little taken back.
"Anna, it's our business. Stay out of it."
She sighs, "Okay, Elsa." The way she says my name makes a tiny jump in my chest; I dismiss it.
More scraping and clanking of forks until I attempt to change the atmosphere, "Have you talked to Sir Bjorn lately?" I haven't forgotten about their little meetings, though I haven't been able to keep tabs on them for a while now, obviously.
She tenses oddly when I say this, but I don't bother to investigate that further. "Oh… I guess you wouldn't have known..," she says solemnly, "He died about three months ago."
"From what?"
"They don't know. He had battled an addiction to morphine some years ago, but other than that, they can't imagine." Hmm, I'm not sure how to feel about this. We stay wordless a minute.
I think of all the time I saw them together. The last time I could remember, they were out in the courtyard. Anna was sitting on his lap by the fountain. They seemed so devilishly close. "I almost feel I should apologize to you for his death."
"W-why?" She's stopped eating since the conversation started.
"You two seemed close from what I could tell."
"We talked business. Irene had, uhm," - she clears her throat and pushes her hair behind her ear again - "wanted me to get more involved with politics."
"I see." Later they had strolled out in the garden, wading through the bright orange and red leaves. His hand had been around her back, and before they were completely out of sight, I watched it inch down below her waist.
I came down to breakfast the next morning. Naturally, I ignored Irene entirely, so she didn't stay for long this time either. I exchanged few words with Anna, as she easily irritates me. Yesterday, I was in a good mood. Today, she told me I was looking rather skinny. After glaring at her much too long, she realized the reason why and continued eating in taciturn.
As I go about my day, thinking about ways to interrupt Irene's routine besides breakfast, I notice that there are four more days until the Christmas Banquet. This gives me more opportunity to screw with Irene and Anna. I settle comfortably in knowing this.
Later, I find Irene and some other maids decorating the ballroom. Although this damaged my chances of ice skating today - none of the staff would let me leave the building to do so, as ordered - I did get to freeze Irene's flats to the floor while she fixed some chairs. She ended up having to take off her shoes and going to find someone to chisel them off the floor. While she was gone, I poured some hot water around them and toweled them off so by the time they came back, they were just sitting there. The man she had dragged in looked at her oddly then went back to work. She caught sight of me as I handed a damp hand towel to a maid and walked back to my room. Today was a good day.