Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!
A fan fiction by RebelX
Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. Roundup belongs to…um…some guy. Yeah."
The Author stared at the disclaimer. "…"
"What?"
"Maybe you should have stuck with the puppy eyes."
Disclaimer made a face.
Chapter 14: The House of Illusion
A young woman raced through the desolate halls of the fairy palace that looked like the lovechild of Ganon's tower and the forest temple (A/N: -.- ), her footsteps echoing loudly through the stone corridors.
"Hmm…can't have that…"
Pausing for the briefest of moments, the woman snapped her fingers, then set off again. This time, however, she made no noise.
"Hee hee."
She continued to hurry along until she heard voices trailing in from the entrance hall. She screeched to a stop (actually, she didn't screech, since she still made no noise) and listened intently.
"You are probably wondering who I am and why you are here…"
A voice as delicate and pure as a crystal bell rang softly through the ancient air. The woman's lip curled at the sound of it. For all its graceful beauty, she could sense the ugly darkness that lurked within. The woman crept forward into the hall, slinking into the shadows to avoid detection.
"Allow me to explain. My name is Adarkun, and I am-"
"GOING DOWN!!!!"
And thus the woman leapt from her hiding place and clocked the blue lady over the head with- of all things- an encyclopedia. The blue lady promptly passed out.
"…well that was unexpected," Saria remarked.
"Indeed," Impa conceded.
"Is anyone else here as confused as I am?" Mido asked.
Impa, Saria, and Nabooru all raised their hands.
The newcomer straightened, looking around at them all sheepishly. Nervously she fiddled with her glasses as she cleared her throat to speak.
"Um…hi…I'm Nayru, and the chic on the floor is a shadow demon sent here by Zelda to-"
"Wait a minute! Nayru?!! As in…after the goddess Nayru?" Nab demanded.
"Who would have the audacity to name their child after a goddess?" Impa snorted.
Nayru stiffened indignantly, her shyness forgotten.
"I wasn't named after her! I am her!"
Pause.
"You're what?!!" Nab, Saria, Impa, and Mido all exclaimed at the same time.
"You're the Goddess of Wisdom?!" exclaimed Mido.
"The Creator of Law?" Saria gaped.
"The Golden Goddess of the Water?" Impa murmured.
"Yes, yes! I know all my names already, you don't need to recite them to me."
"But you're so…so…" Nab struggled for the right word.
"So what?"
Everyone else exchanged glances.
"Oh forget it. Do you want me to explain what's going on or not?" Nayru huffed.
"Please, explain," Impa invited.
"Very well." The goddess said, clearing her throat. "This mansion is one of the oldest and most treacherous of buildings in the history of Hyrule. It is known as Mira a canar, or "the house of illusion". The rooms within it are threaded with incredible magic that allows a competent magician to spawn complex illusions. A similar magic exists in one room of the water temple, I believe. This type of magic is powered by shadow demons, like that creature there," she gestured to the unconscious blue lady, "who can change their form at will. They often mimic the people they come across, like-"
"Dark Link!" Mido exclaimed suddenly.
"…beg pardon?" Nayru eyed the little Kokiri, adjusting her glasses again.
"Dark Link is a shadow demon, isn't he? And he likes to mimic Link!"
"Correct. Dark Link was the shadow demon that powered the room of illusion in the water temple. But how did you…?"
"Wait…was?"
"He's hylian now. A skilled sorcerer can easily transform a shadow demon into a flesh and blood hylian, if the demon has remained in a single form long enough."
"How do you know all this?" Saria asked her.
"I told you, I'm the Goddess of Wisdom! I know everything! …you do believe me, don't you?"
Everyone else exchanged glances again.
"Um…no offense, but…you don't really look the part," Saria offered daringly.
She had a point. The supposed goddess of wisdom was dressed simply in a short black skirt and a blue blouse. Her silvery blue hair was tied smoothly back into a ponytail at the nape of her neck, and the pair of tennis-ball glasses she wore made her eyes look positively insectoid.
"It is not the outside, but the inside that counts," Nayru said sagely.
"Alright. If you're a goddess, prove it," Nab demanded, crossing her arms.
Nayru grinned evilly. "Alright…" she said, snapping her fingers.
'Pop!'
A cloud of purple smoke engulfed the spirit sage. When it cleared, Nabooru had disappeared.
"Nabooru?" Mido gaped.
"Where'd she go?" Saria asked, her gaze darting wildly about the room.
"Down there," Nayru said, pointing.
The baffled trio followed her outstretched finger to find not the suave gerudo they knew, but a tiny siamese kitten who sat blinking in surprise.
"Mrowr?"
Everyone else stared.
"Welp, that's good enough for me." Mido chuckled nervously.
"Not ME!!!" roared an angry voice from behind Nayru. Everyone turned.
The mysterious blue lady had regained consciousness, and rose dramatically from the floor.
"As if the goddesses themselves would come down over such a simple trifle! You're probably just one of those author-characters!" she growled, pointing an accusatory finger at Nayru.
"There have been a lot of those hanging around lately…" Saria admitted.
"I am NOT an author! I'm the Goddess of Wisdom!"
"I'm an author!" said the author.
"Obviously." Saria rolled her eyes.
"But is SHE an author?" Impa asked, pointing to Nayru.
The Author looked Nayru up and down. "Nope."
"Oh. Okay then."
"I still don't believe it," the shadow demon snarled.
"Screw you," Nayru snapped at her. She turned to the others, "I'll hold this demon at bay. Go and meet the others. With the power of three, you will find the fourth door. Now go! Oh, and take this with you!" she hurriedly threw the encyclopedia to Saria.
Saria caught it. "Hey! She threw the book at me!" she exclaimed.
Mido groaned, and Nab bit Saria for that horrible joke.
"Ow!"
"Are you going to stand there all day or are you going to get going?" Nayru demanded.
"How shall we leave? The door disappeared," Impa pointed out.
"Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. A sheikah, of all people, I expected not to be fooled by such trickery. Now beat it!"
They obeyed, turning tail and running out of the strange palace.
Meanwhile, in a certain evil meadow of evilness…
Ganon stood hunched over, panting heavily. "Can't…run…anymore…" he wheezed, "…this is it, man! Game over, man!"
The grass snickered. Wait…did I read that right?!
"Oh shut up!" snapped an anonymous voice as a foot wearing a Nike shoe squished the grass.
Ganon looked up. "Moogle?"
"No, not moogle. Din."
"….."
"D-I-N. Goddess of Power. Your patron."
"…din?"
"Yes?"
"…loud noise?"
Din sighed heavily. "Forget it. He's too far gone."
The grass laughed evilly.
"Grrr…" Din growled, before proceeding to horribly mutilate the grass. She gave me an odd look.
"How the hell do you mutilate grass?"
I don't know. You're the one who did it.
Din made a face.
"Google?" asked Ganon.
"Ug…can't you even string together a full sentence?"
Ganon thought for a moment. "It is a baby carriage...from hell."
"…let's…just…start walking back toward the door."
Meanwhile, in a certain forest…
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(gasp)AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Skullkid.
"Roar," said the wolfos.
"…now that's just sad," said a mysterious voice.
The wolfos looked around in confusion.
"Hi, I'm Farore, Goddess of Courage, and I'm here to kick your butt."
The wolfos's demonic eyes widened.
"BOOT TO THE HEAD!!!!!!!" Farore roared, and booted the wolfos to the head.
"Awoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!" The wolfos howled pathetically as it flew off into the distance.
With the shadow demon vanquished, the forest faded, revealing a small empty room in much the same style as the rest of the mansion. Farore took the skullkid (who was trying to run through the wall repeatedly) by the hand and led him to the door.
"Th-thanks for saving me, lady," he stuttered, "I don't know what's going on, but I'm getting out of here!" Having said this, he then bolted through door.
"Aww, he didn't even make an obscene comment about my skimpy clothing (Farore was bravely wearing nothing but a glittery green bikini, some leather gloves, and a pair of leather boots). Must be scared. Hey kid!" she shouted, "Take this with you!" and threw her boot after him.
"Wha- ? What would I need with a stinky old boot?" Skullkid asked, wrinkling his nose as he held it up.
He looked back in the room inquiringly, but the goddess had already disappeared.
Skullkid shrugged. "Oh well. At least I can freak out Saria with it. Hee hee…"
Let's check back on Din and Ganondorf, shall we?
"…and then the queen takes out a pistol! And it's not the king's pistol, either."
"Ok, that's it. Stop talking in complete sentences!"
"I've got a better idea! Why don't you both just stop existing?!!" snapped the grass.
"Arg…I thought I killed you!"
"Fool! You can never defeat the grass, never! NEV-VER!!!!"
"We'll see about that, foul capslock abuser!" the goddess snarled, whipping out a giant hammer.
"Uh-oh…"
"Hi-yah!" she cried, wholloping the grass with the hammer.
'Wham!'
The grass was smashed, but relatively intact. "h…ha…you cannot…"
'Wham!'
"…defeat…"
'Wham!'
"…the…"
'Wham!'
"…grass…"
'Wham!' 'Wham!' 'Wham!'
Din rested the end of the hammer against the ground, panting heavily from the effort of swinging it. "….." she said.
"….."said Ganon.
"….." said the grass.
"Phew. I guess that takes care of-"
"Hoiyah!!!" the grass exclaimed, springing back up with a funny 'boing' sound.
Din's eye twitched.
"Heeheeheehee!" the grass cackled.
"Aah!" Ganon screamed as he turned to run away.
Din caught him by the collar before he got any farther. "Oh no you don't. We're not finished yet."
"Oooh, whatcha gonna do now? Swear at me?"
"No. something much, much worse." She grinned, pulling out a bottle of Roundup.
The grass made a small eep sound. If it had eyes, they would have gone wide.
"Fuahahahaha!" Din laughed maniacally as she sprayed the deadly round-up all over the grass.
"…damn you…roundup…urk…" the grass wheezed, then died.
"Wahoo!" Din cheered.
"Remember kids, just pass on grass!" Ganon said.
Din made a face at him.
"What?"
Din said nothing, but clocked him over the head with the bottle of Roundup.
'Cong!'
"Ow!"
"Hey wait a minute…you're speaking coherently again! That must mean-"
Din looked around in excitement as the meadow faded around them.
"Wooooot! The shadow demon is vanquished!"
"Er…right…and who the hell are you exactly?" Ganon asked, eyeing her quizzically.
"Loud noise."
Ganon blinked, then raised an eyebrow.
"Just kidding. I'm Din, goddess of Power."
Ganon pondered this for a moment, looking her up and down. The goddess was dressed in sweatpants, a gray tank top, and stark white nike shoes. She also had sweatbands on her wrists and forehead to complete the anachronistic outfit. Not exactly what you'd expect the powerful Fire Goddess to be wearing.
"…you're the goddess of power?" he repeated.
"That's what I said, isn't it? Why?"
"…suddenly the world makes a lot more sense."
Pause.
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Nothing!" he said hastily, making a run for the door.
"Get back here, you!" Din roared, chasing after him.
Meanwhile, back in the room with the three doors…
"Well, that was strange," Saria admitted.
"No kidding," Mido concurred.
"Mrowr."
Saria's gasped as she turned back to Nab. "Uh oh…"
"What?"
"Nayru forgot to change Nabooru back!"
Impa brought a hand to her mouth. "Oh dear…"
"Ha-ha!" Mido laughed Nelson-style, pointing to Nab.
Nab growled and sank her fangs into Mido's finger.
Mido made a funny choked noise and cradled his bleeding finger. "…ow…ok…I deserved that…"
At that moment, Skullkid entered from the door to the left. "Huh? Where'd Mido come from? And Impa? And Saria? And that cat?"
"It's a looooong story." Saria said.
"No it isn't," Impa said, and explained everything to him.
"I see. So…Nabooru's a cat now?"
"Yup."
Pause.
"Bwahahahahaha!!"
Nab scowled. "I hate you all," she was thinking.
"Me too. So what do we do now?" Ganon asked.
Saria did a double take. "Wha! Ganondorf?! Where'd you come from?"
"How long have you been standing there?" Impa demanded.
"Since Skullkid came in."
Impa narrowed her eyes. "I see…"
"Well, at least we finally found him. So what DO we do now?" Saria asked.
"I asked you first."
Saria rolled her eyes.
"Hmm…Nayru mentioned something about a fourth door…"
"…and the power of three. Plus, she gave us this." Saria said, holding up the encyclopedia.
"Really? The lady in green gave me this" said skullkid, holding up the stinky boot.
"Ewww!!" Nab, Mido and Saria all cried in unison. My, aren't they mature?
"Lovely." Ganon remarked dryly.
"Hey Ganondorf, did anyone give you anything?" Saria asked the warlord.
"Well Din appeared to me, but she didn't-"
He broke off as the third door opened with a loud creak, and a bottle of roudup flew out and hit him right between the eyes. The door then closed.
Ganon stood in silence for a moment, his eyes squeezed shut. "…ow…"
"Ah-ha!" Saria exclaimed triumphantly, scooping up the bottle of Roundup.
"Could these be the three Nayru spoke of?" Impa queried.
"Maybe. But what do we do with them?" Saria asked.
"Try putting them all together." Skullkid suggested, holding out the stinky boot to her.
Saria eyed it with distaste.
With a wrinkled nose, the brave little forest sage reached out and took the stinky boot.
"Ewwww…"
Then she touched all three items together, and with a brilliant flash of white light they all melded into a single object.
"A key?"
"Looks like it."
"So we have the key. Now where's the door?"
"Hmm…the only other door I see is the one we first came in through." Ganon observed.
"Maybe that's it? It's the only one with a lock…"
Saria hurried to the other side of the room, where the lone door stood sagging against the decaying wall. Placing the key in the lock, she turned it. With a sharp 'click', the key turned to the side. At first, nothing happened, so Saria took the key out.
"…think that did it?" Mido asked.
"We won't know until we open it. Hey Ganondorf, what was behind this door when you first came through?"
"That was the entrance hall, I think. Wasn't it?"
"Yeah, that's the door to the entrance hall." Skullkid agreed.
"Alright…well let's see what it leads to now."
The door opened with a loud 'creeeeaak', and beyond it lay a staircase. But this stairway was different from the rest of the house. The steps were carpeted, the wood in good repair. Not a cobweb was too be seen, and the walls were bereft of dust.
"Well guys, this must be it." Saria breathed.
And thus the six adventurers nervously ascended the grand stairway. At the top lay another door, colored gold and engraved with elaborate symbols. The door was locked, but Saria's key opened it. The room beyond was wreathed in darkness, and they could barely make out two figures standing before them. The door closed behind the group with an ominous thud, and one of the figures began to speak.
"Welcome, fair travelers. We've been expecting you."
With a snap of their fingers, the room lit up, revealing the two shadowy characters.
"Gasp!"
"It's- !"
Author: "Cliffhanger!"
"ARGGGH!!" screamed the tormented Readers.
"Hey, you already know who it is anyway." The author pointed out.
"But…but…"
"Off with you now! Go on! Review!"
"But…"
The Author broke out the puppy dog eyes.
The readers went all starry eyed, "Must…review…"