She was crying once again and she really had no idea why this time. Of course a part of it was having to leave Cappie the way she had. She hadn't meant to be cruel or unkind to him, but she had to make him understand. She couldn't live with herself if she knew he gave up everything he wanted just for her. She couldn't be responsible for that. She just couldn't.
For a time she thought about going back home. She wondered why she had come at all. It was a mistake. Letting him find out was a mistake. She should have known he would figure it out. No one knew her like he did. No one could read her like he could. Pair that with the fact that the only person she knew that was smarter than Cappie was her brother ( and that was saying a lot) and it was inevitable.
But the timing was all wrong. It was terrible and if finding out about the baby caused him to start drinking again, she'd never forgive herself for that either.
It was so impossible. She wanted him in her life. She wanted him in that baby's life. He was a part of all this, a big part and she was glad he knew.
Now the question was – what next ? Where did they go from here ?
She couldn't let him change his entire life just for her and the baby. She couldn't let him back in just because of the baby. She would not let this baby carry the burden of holding them together when without it that wouldn't have happened. It was too much to put on a set of shoulders that weren't even developed yet.
There was a soft knock at her door and she turned her eyes towards it and called a quiet, " Come in."
Rebecca Logan eased the door opened and stepped inside before closing it once again behind her.
" I saw your light still on." She told her from her position just inside the door.
Casey sat up in bed and shifted the blankets that covered her. Then she patted the place beside her and gave the younger brunette a smile. " I really appreciate you getting a room ready for Ash and I. It was nice of you." She told her after she tentatively took the spot Casey had indicated.
Her back was stiff as a board as she sat looking Casey over. " You're Welcome. But let's not let this whole nice thing get out. I have a rep to protect."
Casey laughed. " You're secret's safe with me." She assured her.
" You've been crying. Problems with Cap ?"
Casey swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and sighed heavily. " Something like that."
" If he's mad about the whole intervention thing, he'll get over it." Rebecca assured her. " Once he realizes it was for his own good."
" He isn't mad about that. In fact he isn't mad at all. This is something different." She told her, not sure how much she wanted to confide in this girl that could run so hot and cold without a moment's notice. She was never very sure how far she could trust Rebecca.
" Are you back together ? Or were you back together ?" Rebecca continued to gently prod.
" For about an hour, I guess we were. Then everything went to hell again. Seems to be the story of our lives." She sighed again.
Rebecca sighed with her and uncrossed her arms which had been until that point carefully covering her chest in a clearly defensive move. " I know I'm not Ashleigh. And I know I haven't always been the most loyal on confidants. But I can see something is bothering you and since I know both you and Cappie pretty well, maybe I can help. Maybe together we can figure out how to change the story of your lives." She offered and it surprised Casey more than anything.
" It's complicated." Casey hedged, still hesitate about spilling the whole story.
" It's not that complicated. It's the same old story with the two of you. You're very different people who want very different things out of life, but the one thing you both can agree on is that you love each other." Rebecca smiled and tossed her long hair over her shoulder. " See not that complicated."
Casey smirked, yeah that pretty much summed it up. But there was more now. " Okay, so it isn't that complicated. Since you know so much, maybe you can give me a solution that we can both live with."
Rebecca chuckled. " I said the problem wasn't complicated. I didn't say the solution was so easy."
" Yeah, well it's a whole lot harder now. Cappie is leaving school at the end of the fall semester. He'll have enough credits to have a degree in sociology by then. He's taking a job at a halfway house that his uncle runs." Casey told her.
Rebecca brightened. " Well that uncomplicated things a lot. So why are you sitting here at two in the morning crying your eyes out. It's what you want, isn't it ? He's growing up, leaving school, becoming a real boy and all that."
" He isn't doing it for him. He's doing it for me. But there's more."
Rebecca raised her eyebrows and gave a wave with her hand in a gesture to encourage her to go on.
" I'm pregnant." Casey spat out quickly like ripping a band-aid off.
Rebecca's eyes widened for just a moment before her face took on it's normal stoic expression. " He didn't take it well when you told him ? You have told him ?"
" He decided all that after he found out about the baby. That's the problem." Casey muttered.
" So he found out you were pregnant and offered to get out of school and get a job and finally grow a set and this is the problem ?" Rebecca asked doubtfully. " He trying to do the right thing, that Bastard."
The tears were welling up again and Casey blinked rapidly to see around them. " I don't want him in my life because it's the right thing to do."
Rebecca laughed. " You think he offered to do all that because he feels obligated to do it ? You think that's the only reason ?"
Casey nodded and stopped fighting against the tears now.
" I hated you." Rebecca said after a few minutes of just watching her silently.
"I know when you first came here. But we're past all that now." Casey told her.
" No," Rebecca shook her head. " I didn't like you when I first came here. I didn't hate you, really hate you until much later. And even now I can't seem to stay away from your rejects." She told her with a tone of self loathing.
" I don't know what you're talking about." Casey admitted.
Rebecca got up and walked to the desk, then she retrieved a box of tissue and handed it to Casey. She nodded in thanks as she accepted it and pulled a few out to wipe at her eyes.
" Cappie was almost prefect. I could have really seen myself falling for him. He's funny and caring. He's got a heart the size of a small country and he'd do anything for the people he cares about. I've never had so much fun in my life. " She explained.
" You don't have to talk him up to me. I know all that. He's wonderful. That isn't the problem here." Casey told her.
" His one problem," Rebecca went on as if she hadn't spoken at all. " was that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make him forget you." She came back and sat at the foot of the bed, more relaxed this time like she'd decided Casey wasn't going to bite her. " I realized after many months of pretending the problem didn't exist, that it wasn't going away. I hoped it would, but right till the very last, you were right there. I'm Rebecca freaking Logan, I don't play second chair to anyone, and yet here I was, always the consolation prize." Her eyes flashed for a moment and Casey thought she was getting angry. " I've never been the consolation prize before."
" I'm sorry." Casey mumbled because she had no idea what else to say to her.
Rebecca shrugged and suddenly all the angry was gone from her face. " It wasn't your fault. It wasn't his fault. It just was. He belongs to you, always will and if I couldn't break him away, I can't imagine anyone else has much of a chance either."
" He isn't mine. He's not a possession and I never meant for any of that to happen." Casey argued.
" I know you didn't and I'm not blaming you, not anymore. But he is yours. I knew that going in and I think maybe a part of me saw him as a challenge." She admitted and again it surprised her that the younger girl was being so open and honest with her. " I have a problem backing down from a challenge, you see."
" Yeah, I've noticed." Casey smirked.
" What I'm trying to say here is that whatever happens, whatever he does, he isn't just doing it because of the baby. You are meant to be together. Everyone else sees it, we just can't understand why the two of you can't see it, too."
" We broke up. He just gave me a long speech yesterday about how we couldn't be together. He didn't decide he wanted me back until he figured out about the baby." Casey explained.
" Cappie is Cappie. He's going to do what he has to do to keep from getting hurt. That isn't ever going to change."
Casey shifted uncomfortably and drew the blankets further up her body. " I can't have him looking at me in ten years and thinking about how I ruined his life."
" Cappie is never going to feel like you ruined his life." Rebecca assured her. " I mean, okay the timing here isn't perfect, but the outcome was inevitable."
" I guess we'll never know for sure now. The baby will always be a part of the equation for now on. I'll never know if he wants to be in my life because of me or whether it's because of the baby."
" He's been in love with you for four years." Rebecca said, " How much more proof do you need that he loves you ? You kicked him in the teeth over and over again, and yet there he was, so in love with you he couldn't even let himself be happy with me."
Casey nodded again. " Sometimes love just isn't enough."
Rebecca shrugged made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a grunt. " That's true. Sometimes it isn't, but maybe this time it is." She got up and started for the door, when she got there she turned and gave Casey another look. " Maybe it's time for you to start worry about today and let tomorrow work itself out. Cappie isn't the kind of man that's going to make himself miserable for someone else's sake. If he didn't really want to do all this, he would have come up with a different solution."
" Maybe you're right. I'll think about it." Casey told her.
" Do you have plans for tomorrow ?"
" Heath got me an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow morning. But I have nothing after that, why ?" Casey answered.
" I thought maybe we could hang out, go shopping or something. I could go in and try on all the clothes you'll soon be too fat to wear." She offered.
" Oh, that does sound like fun." Casey mocked.
Rebecca shrugged, " I'm always happy to spend quality time with my Big Sis." She called over her shoulder before shutting the door.
Casey flipped off the light and laid back down, sure that she was never going to get to sleep now that she had so much to think about. But the minute her head hit the pillow, she was out.
Cappie glanced up at the sound of paper crinkling. Casey looked back at him as she shifted nervously on the exam table.
" Just relax." He told her. " Heath says this won't hurt a bit."
" Really ? Exactly when was Heath's last pelvic exam ?" She retorted sarcastically.
Cappie got up from his chair in the corner of the exam room and crossed to her in three easy steps, it was a very small room. " Would you feel better if I let the doctor exam me, too ?" He offered.
Casey glanced to her at the evil looking instruments lined up on a tray. " Only if you're willing to let them use the exact same instruments on you as they plan to use on me." She informed him.
Cappie looked at the tray and blanched slightly. They were pretty wicked looking devises lined up in a neat little role, the stainless steel glinting back at him mockingly. " Maybe I could just wait outside ?"
" I already told you once you didn't have to come with me today. It's just a routine exam."
Cappie shook his head stubbornly. " I said I wanted to be here for every part of this and I meant it. You don't have to do this alone, Case. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."
They both turned their heads towards the door as a middle aged woman dressed in scrubs entered the room.
" Miss Cartwright, I'm Dr. Turner." She came into the room and moved to a small desk set in the wall in the opposite corner from Cappie's chair. There she sat down the folder she had been pursuing and looked up at them. " How have you been feeling ?"
" A little tired and nauseous." Casey told her.
" That's pretty normal at this stage." The doctor told her. Then she looked up at Cappie. " Are you the father ?"
Cappie blinked at her for a moment. " Yeah, I'm Cappie."
She took his hand and shook it with a laugh. " That lost, deer in the headlights look is pretty normal, too. But just like the nausea, it'll pass eventually." She turned her attention back to Casey and Cappie took the opportunity to get back to his chair in the corner. " I'm thinking you're probably about seventeen weeks along. Of course we can't be absolutely sure about that until we do a sonogram. Today we're going to start with a routine exam and some blood work."
An hour later they were sitting at a table in the outdoor cafe close to the campus. The wrought iron chair dug into his leg while the rough stone of the table top scrap against his elbows, yet he couldn't remember the last time he'd been so content.
Casey, for her part was leaned forward on the opposite side of the table scarfing down the ridiculously huge banana sundae she'd order. He in turn was sipping quietly on his chocolate milkshake.
" Thank you for this." She smiled up at him, " but it really wasn't necessary."
He smiled back at her. " Spitter said you're parents always took you out for ice cream after going to the doctor. I only know that because I had to bring him here after he sprained his ankle a few months ago."
" They did." She nodded. " But I'm a grown up now. I don't require ice cream after doctor's visits anymore."
He almost flinched at her words, wondering if they might have been a dig. Seemed every time she mentioned anything about getting older or growing up it felt like a dig.
" You know being a grown up doesn't mean you have to give up everything that made you happy as a child." He told her, cautiously keeping his voice neutral.
" But you do have to give up some of them." She answered.
He sighed, feeling anger start to get the better of him. " That is exactly why I'm leaving school. It isn't just about the baby, Case. I love you. I want to be with you."
" Amazing how this was a very different conversation before you know there was a baby." She retorted.
He threw his hands up in defeat. " And here I thought we were about to have a very pleasant afternoon."
" Yeah, me too." She replied, tossing her spoon down and getting to her feet. " Maybe you should just take me home."
" Yeah, no problem." He joined her and started off towards the car.
They rode in silence most of the way back to the campus and the ZBZ house. Until Cappie couldn't take it anymore.
" Classes will be starting in a few weeks. Have you decided what you're going to do ?" He asked her tentatively.
She shook her head and let the arms that were crossed over her chest relax a bit. " No, I haven't really thought about it. I guess I'll go back to Chicago."
" I was afraid that's what you were going to say." He mumbled.
" Well I can't stay here. I'm not a ZBZ. This isn't my world anymore." She said, glancing out the window at the campus passing by them.
" I need to get my degree before I leave. Otherwise all this time I've been here will have been wasted." He replied.
" I know and I'm not asking you to come. I'll be fine. I'll stay with my parents. They'll take care of me."
" And I'll miss all of it." He muttered.
" I guess so." She answered. " But I'll send you pictures and keep you updated if that's what you really want."
He stopped the car in front of her house and turned in his seat. " I already told you I want to be a part of this. Pictures and phone calls aren't being a part of it."
" Do you have a better plan ?" She asked, raising her hand to the door handle.
" I guess not." He told her as she got out of the jeep.
" I'll see you in two weeks for the sonogram." She said before closing the door and walking up the front walk to the house.
He watched her go, his mind reeling as he searched for answered. He couldn't let her go. He knew that for sure. Now all he needed to do was convince her of that.