BBTT Bonus Theater: Part TWO!
Wait...was there even a part one?
Actually, there was!
Never got posted though...it was too insane.
Note: I would like to take the moment to apologize to Mr. James Fenimore Cooper, who will probably haunt me for the rest of my days. And you'll probably enjoy this BBTTBT more (I LOVE ACRONYMS!) if you've seen The Last of the Mohicans...
Albel, Shelby, and The Man Who Plays Kim ran in single file up a gigantic hill. Albel led the way until he tripped and rolled back down the hill after three hours of climbing. Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim shrugged and continued onwards.
Meanwhile, Nel and Clair were being held captive by the Huron Warlord, Vox. Vox let out a cold laugh and shoved the two women to the ground in front of the Huron Chief, Arzei. Woltar would have been the chief but he had died two minutes earlier from a pelican related incident.
"I have brought you three prisoners," Vox began.
"I only count two, hon," Arzei exclaimed. Vox glanced around, his soldiers simply shrugged.
"What the hell happened to Major Schweimer?" Vox screeched.
British Major Schweimer was strung up above a fire. The French surrounded it with hungry eyes. There was also this Persian guy, but he was pretty much insignificant. Insignificant like Clair. And boy, is that insignificant.
"You cook him up good!" the French General, Adray giggled. His troops giggled as well and they danced.
"I don't like this game," Schweimer whined.
"Shut up, pig dog," Roger snarled, poking Schweimer with a pointy stick.
"Hohohohohohoho!" the French cackled.
"The second I get these bindings off, I'm going to kill each and every one of you," Nel whispered. Clair clung to Nel, eyes bulging. This is the only thing Clair ever does.She looks really freaked out and quickly clings to the nearest human.
"Okay, let's see, I think we should torch the girls," Vox suggested. "Since I totally want to eliminate Romero's seed from the earth."
"Shit! Romero's our dad?" Nel gasped. Clair's eye began to twitch.
"Yes! That accursed Colonel Romero pilfered all my chocolate in an English raid against my village!" Vox shook both fists.
"So you cut his heart out and ate it?" Nel asked.
"Hey. It's what I do," Vox replied.
"He did what?" Clair stared at Nel.
"Oh yeah, forgot to tell you while I was busy making out with Hawkeye..." Nel muttered.
Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim finally reached the top of the hill and sat down for a moment to catch their breaths.
Albel tapped both of them on their heads.
"WHAT!" Shelby roared, jumping to his feet.
"How the heck did'ya beat us up here, Albel?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.
"Because I'm Hawkeye and I godmode ALL THE TIME!" Albel laughed!
"This is true," the other two men sighed.
"Chief Arzei, could you please decide how to handle the prisoners?" Vox pleaded.
"Sorry dear, I forgot what I was supposed to be thinking about," Arzei chuckled. He stroked his chin and nodded his head. "Both ladies can be my concubines!"
"NO NEL! DON'T STAB YOURSELF!" Clair screamed, tackling Nel. Nel dropped her switchblade and started cursing.
"DUDE! You have to kill them," Vox shouted, throwing his arms in the air.
"But they're hot," Arzei said quietly.
By this time, the French had finished consuming Major Schweimer and were currently hunting Demetrio down. Unfortunately, the failed rap star managed to break dance away time after time.
"Grosse vache," Adray hissed. The audience should note that this is pretty much all the author knows how to say in French. The author has been taking Spanish for four years, which everyone knows is the opposite of French. Unfortunately, the author can only say codfish and pants in Spanish. The author knows that this is sad and hilarious all at the same. The author would like to say that taking four years of the language means four years of not learning it. Thank you.
"What's up guys?" Albel asked, randomly appearing next to Vox. Vox nearly choked to death.
"How'd you get here, scumbucket?" Vox shrieked.
"I killed everyone who got in my way, worm!" Albel wasn't kidding. The village behind him was burning and the cries of dying people filled the air.
"But did you really have to kill an entire village again?" Shelby asked.
"Yes." Albel's eyes narrowed.
"This is guy is a little bit loony," Arzei observed of Albel. "Tell ya what. We'll burn the red head and Vox can have the gray one."
"How does that benefit me?" Albel folded his arms and gave Arzei a death glare.
"Erm, you can have the gray one?"
Albel's hand slid towards the hilt of his sword and his lips curled into a terrible smile.
"Okay! Take 'em both!" Arzei dove off his chair. In a bizarre twist of fate, this means of escape also meant that Arzei had plunged off the side of a cliff. The audience should note that during this era, base jumping was all the rage anyways.
"Here," Albel spat, looking at Vox. He pushed Clair towards him. "No one likes her anyways."
"Damn you to hell, Hawkeye!" Clair screamed at Albel. Vox blinked. He was confused. But he grabbed Clair anyways and fled with his gang of idiots.
"Albel," Nel began, her hands shaking in fury.
"What?" Albel looked down at Nel.
"She was my sister! You can't give her away to that dolt!"
"She was annoying," Albel said. Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim nodded from behind the swordsman.
"If you don't save her, I'll never make out with you again."
Albel's eyes widened.
"Why are you skipping?" Clair stared at Vox, who had indeed been skipping.
"Don't judge me, you slut!"
"I am not a slut!"
"Slutssaywhat?"
"What?"
"You're a slut! Haha!"
"Ass!" Clair marching behind Vox, trying to kill him with her eyes.
"JUDO CHOP!" Shelby yelled, stabbing a random soldier in the face. He proceeded to do this to about five hundred people before reaching Vox. Then he saw Clair.
"You're here to save me?" Clair's eyes glazed over.
"No...I thought you were Nel. Even though we just rescued her. Man do I feel stupid right now..."
"I see." Clair and Shelby stared at each other.
"Um, sorry. I'll be leaving now." Shelby turned to leave. That's when Vox shot him in the back with a bazooka!
"I LIVED AS FEW MEN DARED TO DREEEEEEEEEAM!" Shelby fell off the edge of a cliff, which everyone was standing by. Clair inched towards the edge of the cliff to get a better view of Shelby's death.
"Hey, don't fall off," Vox said. Clair slipped on a rock, yelled a loud profanity, and sailed into the air and to her death at the bottom of the cliff.
"Maybe we shouldn't always be traveling next to cliffs," one soldier suggested. Vox nodded as he watched Clair splatter.
"DAMMIT! Clair died! Now I can never sex up Nel!" Albel dove on top of some random soldier and slit his throat. Albel then proceeded to kill about ten million people in this fashion. The Man Who Plays Kim freaked out when he saw Shelby die, for Shelby was really his son! The Man Who Plays Kim killed fifty thousand people before he found Vox.
"You killed my son," The Man Who Plays Kim bellowed. Vox let out a small squeak and ran for his life. Nel showed up after a few minutes and looked down to see her sister, who was extremely dead.
"Are you mad?" Albel asked quietly, looking at her and maiming people at the same time.
"..." Nel remained silent. Albel panicked and followed after The Man Who Plays Kim and Vox.
The Man Who Plays Kim was beating the crap out of Vox with The Blue Stick of Death. It was like a giant sword-club thing. It was awesome. And all of this happened in slow-motion. It was all magical and whatnot. And very, very, very pretty.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow," Vox said after every blow. Albel took the time to shoot two billion guys in the chest while wielding two rifles AT THE SAME TIME!
"You okay, adopted father?" Albel asked, staring at The Man Who Plays Kim.
"Busy. Right. Now."
"Gotcha." Albel killed atrillion more people while The Man Who Plays Kim finished Vox off.
"I am dead!" Vox exclaimed, falling over, blood pouring out of his body. The Man Who Plays Kim kicked him off the cliff.
"Done yet?" Albel glanced over at The Man Who Plays Kim.
"Yup. Let's go fetch your lover and stand on the edge of another cliff!"
"Will it be dramatic?" Albel looked concerned.
"Naturally!"
"And now, please smack my stupid son in the face, great spirits of my ancestors. He was a great dumbass to take on a zillion people on his own, knowing full well that me and Albel are the only ones who can godmode around here." The Man Who Plays Kim clapped his hands together and prayed. Albel and Nel stood to the side, wondering what to do.
"AND NOW I, THE MAN WHO PLAYS KIM, AM THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS!" The Man Who Plays Kim cried. Then Albel shoved him off the cliff.
"Albel!" Nel was shocked. The Man Who Plays Kim exploded upon impact with the rocks below.
"Well, you know, he was old. And he was getting in the way of the make out session."
"You're a jerk!" Nel shoved Albel in the chest. Albel fell off the cliff and promptly died.
"Oops," Nel whispered, looking around nervously. "Oh well." Nel dove off the cliff and joined her lover in death.
It was touching, trust me.
I actually did very well on the test we had over this movie.
By the way, this isn't a real update. But it was very fun to write. The next chapter will be about vampires and robots and flamenco dancers with lasers. But mostly not.
Contest update: No one has won. BlueTrillium accidentally mentioned one of the remaining two, though...
And I have a forum! It's lovely place, I tells ya!
Al-Behd-Rikku: I'm glad you like my story! Thanks for the review!
BlueTrillium: You're alive! And you actually tried to guess the characters. Well, you did guess one of them when you started talking about top hats. Maybe I need to give more hints, eh? So, counting that guy, you're only missing one other person... Hope ya get the parking permit. I know about those. I also know that year after year, countless lives are lost in the insane battle for parking permits. Unless you're a senior. The seniors get to sit back and watch the chaos. And I may be exaggerating a wee bit.
Lucrecia LeVrai: I'm amazed that I've gotten over a hundred reviews! I smiled when I realized that you made it 100 because I think I did the same thing for your story. And thank you for such a great review. It really inspires me to keep writing because itcan bevery difficult to write for this story. Thank you again.
dark-pheonix1: Exactly. That's the question I asked! Yes, update your fic. Precious insanity, muahahaha!
Commie Sky: I'm sorry I couldn't come to your house the other day. We actually had family come to our house and they stayed most of the day. And I'll try to have your comic finished by the end of break. Why do I have to be so easily distracted! Poop. Just poop. I'm glad you liked the last chapter, I feel like the chapters haven't been so good as of late.
silver thorns: Hehe, thank you! You don't want to be like me! I think you're cool!I love your writings! You rock, silver awesome thorns!Besides, I'm crazy and my only two career choices are world dictator and hobo. Or raptor voice actress.
shinigami 656: Aww, sorry. I just couldn't resist throwing the Spike joke in there. Thanks for the review! Here be an update!
Kikeri Ki: The Phantom of the Opera joke was plain old self mockery. This is because I haven't updated my other parody story in one thousand years. I think it involved chloroform or something. I should probably write more for that...probably...
Angel of Atonement: Cowboy Bebop is a really great series. You should watch it if you ever get the chance. The music is amazing and playing the opening song, Tank, is a must-know for saxophones at my school.
Blue Persuasion: I will tell you a secret. Back, when I was a young lass, I used to watch Voltron all the time. I was pretty much in love with it, yeah. I'm actually surprised I haven't actually used a Voltron joke yet, for it is so near and dear to my heart and easy to make fun of...and I can't believe I didn't think of that idea! Ahahaha, The Man Who Plays Kim would totally do that, too. There'd probably be a talking pink pony involved too.
A belated Merry Christmas to all y'all!
Thank you for reading!
Peace out!