Inspired by the crack-tacular expiration, and a Lego chicken nugget dispenser. o_O Sorry about the lack of updates - it's been a hectic few weekends .

Naruto and its characters do not belong to me.

Demon in My Chariot

Part 14: Nugget Dispenser

"And this," Tenten said, tugging the gaudy purple tablecloth off with a flourish, "is a chicken nugget vending machine!"

Next to her, Neji stood and stared with no small amount of trepidation. The machine, itself, looked fairly harmless. It was bright red on all sides, with a coin slot right at the very top, a product chute at the bottom, and a hand crank at the side.

"Right," he said. "You don't need one, do you?"

"Sure I do!" She beamed up at him, fumbled around in her pocket for a coin. "Let me demonstrate."

"I don't need to see it," he protested. Neji had had enough of chicken nuggets for a lifetime. Tenten went ahead with it anyway.

The machine worked like he expected it to. It ate her sacrificial coin, she cranked the handle around twice, and something bumped into the metal chute flap so it clinked. It really wasn't all that much to squawk about.

"Look at it!" Tenten exclaimed. She leaned in close and lifted the gleaming flap reverently, pulled out the one golden nugget waiting behind. "Doesn't it look absolutely delicious?"

Neji wrinkled his nose. There was no aroma coming from the machine at all. "Is it warm?"

Tenten popped the nugget into her mouth, chewed, and spoke around it. "Nope. This model doesn't come with a warming function."

"Then why even have it at all? It's not packaged. You don't know if it's clean." His stomach shriveled in disgust. "And it's a dollar for one nugget?"

"Well, I got the machine for free," she told him, as if that really meant anything.

Neji's brow furrowed. "Can't you just get a box at McDevil's?"

She grinned slyly. "This, I can have at my place, at my convenience! Do you want one?"

He watched in utter shock as she pulled another dollar out of her pocket.

"No?" Tenten waved the coin at him, lips spread in a wide smile. "My treat."

"I'll pass on it," he told her. Nothing could be worse than this.

As it turned out, things could get worse. Tenten brought the nugget dispenser up with her to Heaven, where she had still been lurking around without any permission at all. Kakashi greeted her like an old friend at the gate (he never treated Neji with such familiarity), and Jiraiya invited her to sit with him while he composed his terrible pieces of erotic fiction.

"Deliver one to Queen Tsunade on my behalf," Jiraiya said. He pressed a stack of cash into Tenten's hand. Neji watched on in horror.

Tenten flipped through the notes. "Sure thing. The change?"

"Keep it. Delivery charges." Jiraiya winked (winked!) at her, and Tenten beamed.

"I'll get her some booze too," she told him. "She'll be really pleased."

"All the better," the Sage-Angel agreed. "Send my best regards."

Neji followed Tenten back to mortal Earth, where she bought the Deluxe Nugget Dispenser and a bulk bag of nuggets. And the biggest bottle of sake she could find. This, she hoisted onto him. "Hold that for me."

"Why?"

"Because I don't have enough hands to carry all of it!"

"This isn't even our mission!"

She smiled. "No, but buttering the Queen up will make her less mad if we happen to fail."

"We aren't going to fail."

Tenten shrugged. "I didn't think so either, but I'm not one to take chances."

Neji couldn't argue with that.

Tsunade received the Nugget Dispenser with great amusement. She would get drunk on the sake later, as Neji was to learn, and feed the machine alcohol instead of coins. The demons of Hell would attempt to buy chicken nuggets from the Queen's special machine, and each would walk away with a spongy, booze-soaked piece of processed meat.

For now, Neji stood by Tenten while Tsunade looked upon her gift with great delight.

"The Sage-Angel, you say?" she mused, stroking the bottle of sake with her fingertips. "Send him my thanks. For the chocolate, too. I shall be delighted to grant him an audience someday."

Why Tenten was so excited to hear this, Neji would never know. He wasn't sure he really wanted to, either.