Chapter 13: Butterflies
Rick
Thursday

The night was quiet and still. There was a slight breeze that served to cool him off just a bit but he would need tornado-like winds to cool him off completely after what Lori did. He was so mad with her that he was sweating. No one was out on the streets of Alexandria. He walked up and down the street so much, if possible he would have worn a path in the pavement. He couldn't sit still with this new information on his mind. It shook him. For Lori to use his amnesia against him in such a selfish and callous way was beyond something he thought even she was capable of doing. In fact, when he closed his eyes for a moment he could see his hands around her neck and that terrified him. The act was indefensible but the feeling was understandable. He couldn't stand the sight of her; he had to get out of that house.

He was in a relationship with Michonne? It was a shock but not out of this world if he allowed himself to think about who Michonne was and what they were to each other back at the prison. He remembered their closeness, their friendship. There were the endless talks about nothing and real stuff, both equally satisfying. He told her things he told no one else, not even Hershel. She was a great person. A great woman. She was smart, strong, passionate, and beautiful. She looked out for Carl back at the prison when he didn't even know anything was wrong with his son. Any man would be lucky to have her. He just wasn't sure when and how he went from being her friend to her lover. That was a memory he definitely wanted to regain.

He couldn't imagine what Michonne must have felt watching him walk off with Lori. What she thought when they talked in the infirmary and he told her he wanted to be with his wife again. If they were in a relationship and he didn't have amnesia he was sure he wouldn't have felt the way he did when he woke up. He wouldn't suddenly want to be with Lori over Michonne. His friendship with Michonne was so stress-free. It was the amnesia. Wasn't it? It had to be.

This called for a drink. He went back into the house thankful Lori was nowhere to be seen. He didn't want to have another talk. He wasn't interested in her excuses because nothing could justify a deceit on this level. He opened the fridge happy to see there was something more than wine in the house. He grabbed a couple of beers and went back out on the porch.

He was in a relationship with Michonne. It was going to take more than a few minutes for that to sink in. He drank from the bottle as closed his eyes and relished the taste of beer going down his throat.

The door opened and he glanced over his shoulder to see Carl. "Hey."

"Hey." He closed the door behind him.

"Your sister asleep?"

"Yeah. What are you doing out here?" He sat a lantern on the table beside Rick before sitting on the railing across from him.

"Just needed some air."

He stared at his son. Obviously he knew about his relationship with Michonne so he felt little hesitation in bringing it up. "Your mom told me Michonne and I were together before my accident. In a relationship."

Then there was a frown on his face and Rick wondered if he made the wrong assumption. Did Carl know or was his relationship with Michonne something they kept a secret? Something they kept from Carl because it may have been awkward. His friend dating his father. "Carl?" He leaned forward.

"Good."

"Good? So you did know?"

He gave a slight smile. "Of course."

He studied his son and so many things made sense. He was withdrawn the last few days but Rick chalked it up to teenage hormones. And then there was that conversation they had about Rick's head and his heart. "That's what you were trying to tell me yesterday at breakfast. Right? When you asked if my heart was telling me anything?"

Carl nodded. "Yeah. I just didn't know how. I wanted to say something because I know Michonne had to hurt even though I haven't been around her like before. I guess..." He looked down. "I guess I was embarrassed and felt a little guilty that my mom was doing this to her. And I, I didn't want you looking like a fool but..."

"You didn't want to betray your mom."

He nodded again.

Carl was loyal and he hated that his son was put in a position that made him feel he needed to choose between the people he loved. "I understand and I'm sure Michonne does too. I'm sorry you had to juggle all those loyalties. Adults, we aren't the smartest when our feelings are involved."

Carl rolled his eyes. "Yeah, this is way sloppier than Enid, Dakota, and me."

He laughed, enjoying something as normal as teenage love. He was happy his son could experience such ordinary things. "How is that going anyway?"

Carl took a deep breath and look up toward the sky. "I like Dakota. She's funny and even though she's been out there and knows what it's like she's still positive. She doesn't let it take over who she is. I like that. I like being around that. I feel like we all have a black cloud over us but Dakota," he smiled. "She something different, nicer."

"There aren't a lot of people left who see the danger and still choose to be optimistic. She sounds nice."

"She is. You know how positive Glenn is?"

"Yeah."

"That's Dakota." He looked at Rick with an earnest look on his face. "And dad, I don't think I should have to give up an innocent friendship for someone else, even Enid. Even though I care about Enid."

"That's a decision you have to make for yourself. If you don't want to be with someone who can't understand your need to have good friends then that's your right. But remember what I said, you have to value and respect your partner's feelings even if your actions and intentions are innocent."

He took the second beer and tossed it to his son.

Carl caught it and looked at it. Then he looked over at Rick. "Really?"

Rick laughed at the eagerness on his face. "Yeah. What will it hurt? You're aren't driving and it won't kill you."

"Abraham and Daryl said the drinking age is just arbitrary bullsh..."

Rick was amused at how confident his son had become in the way he spoke. He wondered if it was like this before his accident. Carl always had a mouth on him and pushed the limits but he wasn't a kid anymore. Not in how he looked, not his voice, and not his thoughts.

"Yeah, that sounds like Daryl." He wasn't sure about Abraham. He still didn't know him.

"Wait, is this better than the wine at the CDC?"

"Definitely."

He watched Carl take a sip and then another. He raised an eyebrow at his son knowing the look of someone who enjoyed the taste of his first beer.

"Not bad," Carl said before taking another sip.

"Don't let your mother know about that." Even in his anger, he still had to respect her role as mother. He knew their children, and their well-being, was always on her mind.

"What could she do? Take away my car? Not let me go to the mall?" He scowled. "She's in no position to tell me about right and wrong."

He knew his son even if he didn't remember the last year. He was angry and he would only get angrier. He had to let him go through it on his own timetable, he just hoped he would continue to respect his mother. In spite of it all, Lori was sensitive. She could interpret the smallest thing as a slight and see annoyance as hate.

In the silence his mind wandered back to Michonne. He wanted to know what their relationship was like. How long had they been together? There were so many questions but it was almost midnight. It was too late to go knocking on her door with a thousand questions whose answers would create a million more.

"This is the second time I've had to keep my mouth shut about my parents' relationships with other people."

"Shane," Rick whispered as he held his head down.

This was a conversation they never really had. A lot of things that, in the old world would have been discussed, were ignored now. Conversations a son needed to have with his father weren't as important as weapons, shelter, and food. But now those things seemed important and necessary once again. It wasn't just about survival and death, good versus evil. His son had to deal with emotions, love, urges, broken hearts.

"Yeah. I knew they were close because we knew each other before everything happened. But then it didn't seem right. It didn't feel right, you know? And they would always talk away from everyone. I finally figured it out. I saw them kiss once too. They didn't know that. I never let on that I knew about them."

"Your mom thought I was dead."

"I know. I guess I did the same thing she did. I acted like he was my dad. I'm sorry I betrayed you dad."

"Son, you didn't betray me. You were a kid. You were afraid. You had every right to try and be happy and feel safe. I don't blame anyone for what happened when I was in that hospital."

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you want to be with mom again?"

Rick took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose. "I woke up and it was like being back in that hospital and not knowing where you were. I guess," he said as he leaned back and closed his eyes. "I guess I wanted my family just like I did when I woke up from my last coma."

When he didn't hear a response he opened his eyes and looked over at Carl.

"How did you feel when your mom and I got back together?"

"I hated it."

There was a bit of him shocked to hear that. "There wasn't a part of you happy to have your parents back?"

"Not even a little bit," he said with a shake of his head.

That surprised Rick a bit. He figured all kids wanted their parents to be together. Then he remembered who he was with before his accident and the relationship Carl and Michonne shared.

"How did you feel about me and Michonne being together?"

Carl gave a slight shrug. "It was cool. Michonne makes you happy, happier than you've been in a long time. And there's something about seeing your parents happy that puts a kid at ease except mom isn't happy. I feel bad about that. I wish maybe she could find someone. I don't want her feeling like she's on the outside. Well, that's how I felt. Now I don't care."

No matter how he felt about Lori, it upset him to know his son felt such strong negative feelings toward his mother. "She's still your mom. Life has always been short now it's even shorter than we ever could have imagined. Don't lose time with your mom being angry. She's your mother."

He didn't want his son worrying about his mother like that. The world gave him enough to worry about; he didn't need to worry about his parents' emotional well-being and happiness. That wasn't his burden.

"Your mom hasn't thought about being with anyone else?" He shook his head. "Don't answer that. I shouldn't have asked you that. Your parents will be fine. Both of us. I promise you that."

"So what are you going to do?"

"The first thing I'm going to do is move out."

If he wanted Carl to love and respect his mother, he didn't need to see his father hating her. There was no way he could live in the house with Lori after what she did. Not even for the sake of the kids. And It was another betrayal. It seemed all she did was betray him, in some form or another, once the world went to shit.

"Can you handle that?" He looked at his son, sorry that he was so blunt. What was it like for Carl to see him move out the first time? Now he would leave again.

"Yeah. We'll still see you every day like before. I mean, you and Michonne live just down the street."

He remained silent.

"You're going to move back in with Michonne, right?"

"Not yet. She and I need to talk. I think it'd be strange to move in and act like things were the same as before when I can't remember."

"And after staying here with mom."

Rick nodded. "That too." He took another pull from his beer.

"You and mom didn't..."

"Didn't what?" His stomach jumped up to his throat because he was sure what his son was asking.

"You slept in Judith's room every night?"

"I did."

"Hey dad?"

"Yeah son?"

"What if you never remember? Will you try to be with Michonne anyway?"

So many questions and no answers. Would he be with her because he was with her before? Would he be able to fall in love with her again? Was it love, real love? He didn't know how long they were together or the feelings they shared. He could only imagine he didn't enter into it casually. Not after everything she meant to him back at the prison. That friendship was too valuable to endanger without a lot of thought. He tried to think back to their time at the prison and recall if there were feelings back then. So far he wasn't able to pinpoint any signs.

"I don't know. I don't even remember what we were like in a relationship."

"Happy. You both laughed a lot. With each other a lot more than you laughed with other people. It was kind of crazy. You acted less mature than me and Enid. Giggling, tickling each other. Corny jokes. You finished each other's sentences. That was even more annoying."

If it was like that, and he imagined it was, he needed to know why she didn't tell him. She had numerous opportunities. When they were alone at the model home the day before would have been perfect. But she didn't tell him.

"Why don't you go to talk to her?"

"In the morning. It's late." And he was afraid and didn't know what to say. He was afraid he'd hear something else he wasn't prepared for.

"Tell me about Enid. Maybe one of us can go to sleep tonight feeling a little better about our situation."

Carl slid off the rail and sat in the rocking chair on the other side of the small table that held the lantern. He sat his beer down.

Rick saw a young man. It scared him and made him proud.

"Well dad, it's complicated."

He smiled. "It always is Carl. It always is."

XxXxX

He knocked on Daryl's door. Maybe he could crash on his couch, if he wasn't already using it. The thought of sleeping in the same house with Lori didn't interest him at all.

"Hey."

"Hey. Mind if I sleep on your couch tonight?"

"Nah." He opened the door wider and turned off and walked back into the apartment. "Guess it'll be like old times."

This was his first time stepping foot in Daryl's place since waking up from the coma. He sat on the couch and it felt like it had never been used. On the other hand, the recliner in the corner looked like it had been put to good use. Off to the side where he imagined a dining room table should be was Daryl's motorcycle with tools tossed around on the floor near it. Classic. Very Daryl. The walls were practically bare. There was a stop sign on the wall and stop light. And the smell, how was it possible for a house with a teenage boy and a baby to smell better than Daryl's place?

"Like old times?"

Daryl came back with two small mason jars and a bottle of Johnnie Walker. He poured some for both of them. Ordinarily, after the beer he had he wouldn't bother. He needed to be alert. But after the bombshell Lori dropped on him, he didn't want to decline any offer of alcohol. They were both reclined on the couch. Slouched actually.

"I stay out of other people's business but I can't take this shit no more."

He was pretty sure he knew what Daryl was about to say. He wouldn't mind hearing how Daryl would drop the news. He imagined it wouldn't be delicate.

"I mean, it's wrong. I like Lori and all. She's a nice person but she's lost her damn mind this time."

"Just say it, Daryl."

Daryl looked over at him. "You're in love with Michonne. You two lived together before your accident. You left Lori to be with her and now you're back with Lori and shit is all screwed up. People walking around not knowing what to say."

"Thanks for telling me."

Daryl frowned.

Rick smiled.

"You already know? You got your memory back?"

"No, I don't have my memory back. Lori just told me. That's why I'm here."

"Sorry I didn't say it sooner."

"Why didn't you say it sooner?"

He had a feeling he'd be asking quite a few people that. Why didn't they tell him? Did they not approve of his relationship with Michonne? Were they on Lori's side?

"Not my business. I didn't want to get involved especially with two women. Figured someone else would tell you."

Maybe they all thought someone else would tell him the truth but in the mean time he walked around looking like a damn fool. He almost slept with Lori. He hurt Michonne. Probably confused his kids.

"Sorry," he grunted.

"I can't believe it."

"You weren't thinking. Besides, you're stupid right now. Things will work out."

Rick took a sip and coughed. That was much stronger than a beer. "Any ideas?"

He grunted. "You're asking the wrong guy. Talked to Hershel? He's right across the hall."

"Yeah. I'll do that."

After all he'd been through, this felt like a situation he was least prepared to handle.

"What did you think of my relationship with Michonne?"

Daryl shrugged. "Nothing."

Rick chuckled. "I remember nothing. Help me out here. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow. I don't want to stick my foot in my mouth and say something I shouldn't."

"It was fine. You both seemed happy."

"Did everyone accept it?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"I know you stick to yourself but you aren't blind."

"Some of the women didn't like it. Thought Michonne crossed a line. But the rest of us...from the prison...we knew the deal. We knew you and Lori were dead on arrival when we got to Alexandria."

"Did she have to deal with bullshit?"

"Nothing she couldn't handle. These people can't handle her. They didn't dare say anything to her face. Just some whispering."

"Sounds like her."

"So, you gonna go see her?"

"No, I think I'll wait until tomorrow."

Daryl grunted and looked at him, skepticism all over his face.

"It's late."

"Yeah, that's what it is."

"Okay, I have no idea what to say or what she's going to say or..."

"I get it."

"So tell me about this new world. Lori told me about how safe it is. I know about the farming and construction crews and electricity. But the real shit. That's what I want to know."

At the prison

"Where you headed?"

He turned to see Michonne walking behind him. "Check the snares."

"Need any help?"

"Sure." He didn't need help but he didn't mind the company. Not hers anyway.

"Wow, this is the life. Can't get much better than wild boar over an open flame," she said as they tied the boar to a stick so they could carry it back to the prison.

Rick laughed. He could appreciate everything they had at the prison. It was much better than what they had while on the road. And they were alive, that was the best of all, but he could think of other situations that would be better suited for such a claim like Saturday morning tailgating at the Georgia game with Carl or hanging out on his grandfather's farm in Kentucky.

"What was your life like before?" He asked her as he sat on a log.

She joined him and stared off into the distance with a smile on her face. He could tell she was reliving some moment. Sometimes it was good to be nostalgic. It was peace of mind amid the chaos.

"Life was good. I had this great place in Midtown. I was walking distance to The High."

"The High?"

"High Museum of Art."

"Walking distance of Piedmont Park. Good airport, which was great because we traveled a lot."

"Business or pleasure?"

"Both. I loved Atlanta. It's a great city. Even with so many people moving there it was still underrated. I had my favorite places. Brunch at One Eared Stag, Sublime Doughnuts." She moaned. "The white chocolate peach fritter was my favorite. Live music at Blind Willie's."

"Sounds like you were enjoying life. Had your favorite Starbucks and everything."

"That's for amateurs. The best coffee was at Empire State South. But yeah, I had it all. All that mattered. My son. My boyfriend. My career." She smiled.

He looked over at her. "You should smile more often," he said as he threw a rock against a tree. "You have a nice smile."

"Thanks." Her smile faded slightly. "Not much to smile about now though."

"Sure there is. Wild boar over an open flame. You learned to ride a horse. Maggie wanted to choke you a few times but you learned."

They laughed.

She shrugged. "You got friends and family, and..."

"So do you."

"I don't even know most of those people. I think they think I'm weird."

"You're not weird."

They were headed back to the prison when he stopped.

"What?"

"I need to get something."

They lowered the boar on the ground and he squatted down.

"What are you doing?"

He pulled a bag from his pocket. "Getting some dandelion for Terry."

"Why does she want it?"

"I don't know."

"She didn't tell you?" She stood with her hands on her hips and looked down at him.

"She didn't ask me for it. I remember hearing her mention to someone she wanted some."

"You know, I think there is a side to you that even surprises you." She smiled.

He looked up at her. "Yeah."