Harry Potter and the Fluffkyries
Harry Potter and the Fluffkyries
A Crackfic
By Opopanax
A/N: This is my attempt at complete and utter randomness. Wildly different than my usual fair.
Seven year old Harry Potter lay painfully in his cupboard, counting off the minutes in his head until he could sneak out and get some food. He had made the mistake of coming home with higher marks than his cousin, which act was rewarded by his beloved uncle breaking his arm with a fire place poker and throwing his "ungrateful freak arse" into the cupboard for cheating.
Luckily for our poor little hero, he was able to heal pretty fast. His bones usually only took three or four days to heal after being broken, which was why he never bothered to tell anyone about the Dursleys' treatment; there was no evidence and nobody ever believed him.
After counting off an hour in his head, he was just about ready to get up off the tiny mattress in the cupboard to sneak into the kitchen when there was a loud popping sound and his face was full of a vast quantity of hair, and his chest felt like it had been kicked by a horse. Wheezing in astonishment, Harry raised his head and gaped.
Crammed into his cupboard were six tiny girls. Six tiny girls about a foot high, dressed in armor, carrying shiny axes. The armor gleamed garishly in the dim light that penetrated under the cupboard door. One of the tiny girls had landed on his chest, and it was her hard boot that had kicked him in the ribs.
"Er, who are you?" was all his befuddled mind could muster up. Nothing in his short life had prepared him for the sudden appearance of six miniature armor-clad, axe-wielding girls.
"We're fluffkyries!" sang out the girl who had landed on his chest, hopping up and down in excitement. "We've come to protect you! My name is Else! Sorry about the boots, dear, but sometimes we can be a little clumsy."
Else was slightly shorter than the rest, and she had a vast quantity of spiky red hair that seemed to wave about on its own, as though in a nonextant breeze. Her armor was green and decorated with a pattern of orange flowers. The axe she carried had a spike on one end that looked like a Hersheys kiss, and the handle was carved with unicorns. Her little face was wreathed in a beaming smile that Harry couldn't help but answer.
"I'm Ingrid!" said another girl with a bounce. Ingrid was the tallest one there, probably about a foot and a half. She was wearing armor decorated with polka dots and carrying a large purple axe with a handle decorated with fairies.
"Kari!" sang out another girl. She was also a foot high, but had massive quantities of dark blond curls trailing down her back. Like Else, these curls waved in a nonextant breeze. There was a green panda painted on Kari's breastplate, and Harry could've sworn the panda winked at him.
"Erika!" called a girl wearing red armor and spiky heels with neon pink stripes. Erika had short green hair, but unlike the others it lay perfectly still. Her axe was decorated with brightly colored fruits.
"Inga/Olga!" called a set of twins simultaneously. They were dressed identically in eye wateringly bright orange armor, and carrying axes colored with fluorescent blue birds. Their breastplates were decorated with two identical white kittens, who waved their tails and whiskers fetchingly.
"Er, nice to meet you," stammered Harry, who was still rather numb with shock. "Where did you all come from, anyway?"
"We're from Norway," said Else, bouncing on her toes and eyeing the cupboard door. "What're you doing in here, Harry?"
"This is my room," shrugged Harry.
Faster than he could follow, Else and Erika ran at the door. Their axes made a whirling sound, like propeller blades, as they twirled them through the air. In about three seconds flat, his cupboard door was reduced to flinders and splinters. "Out, Harry," Erika commanded, sounding entirely different than the bouncy, bubbly girl who had introduced herself. "It's time we had a nice chat with your family."
Harry didn't even think to wonder how they knew his name as he crawled out from his cupboard. He couldn't help but trust these little warriors.
Else, who seemed to be the leader of her little band, did something to her armor at the throat. "Dursley!" she boomed, in a voice entirely different from her normal high one. "Get your arse down here!"
Something fell to the floor upstairs with a crash. Harry stood in the corner, ready to watch the show.
Uncle Vernon came thundering down the stairs, but came to an abrupt halt at the bottom. Like Harry, he was brought up short by the sight of six axe-wielding little women, but unlike Harry, he was terrified.
"W-what are you freaks d-doing here?" he managed to splutter out.
Harry heard one of the twins growl. "You're the freaky one here, Dursley!" Else boomed, still in the unnatural voice. "And now it's time to face judgment for your actions!"
By this time, Petunia and Dudley had appeared on the stairs and were staring, slack jawed, at the little fluffkyries on the living room floor. Petunia looked horrified and Dudley just looked stupid, as per usual.
Vernon looked as though he was about to get his bluster back and perhaps stomp on the fluffkyries-they were, after all, not even two feet high-but before he could get started they all rose into the air. Shiny wings had sprung out of the back of their armor, glimmering like iridescent bird wings.
They rose up and flew, almost faster than the eye could see, at the Dursleys. With a thwack, Vernon's head flew off and crashed into the wall, then, as it sat on the stairs, it began to sing:
"Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright, round yon Virgin Mother and Child, holy Infant so tender and mild," in a high, reedy voice, rather like a cricket. Vernon's body began to do a Mexican hat dance, flapping its arms and wobbling all over the living room.
Petunia lost her head next, thanks to the wildly swinging axe of Inga or Olga, Harry couldn't tell which. It fell to the floor, spouting blood in a gaudy fountain all over the clean furniture, and began to sing, in a low, bass rumble quite unlike Petunia's usual shrill snappishness:
"I ain't got no home, no place to roam, I ain't got a home, No place to roam," interspersing the lines with croaks.
Dudley was carried off with a pop by Ingrid and Erika and never seen again, though there was a rumor floating around Trondheim about a manatee savaging the fishing boats and wailing about chocolate.
All of a sudden, there was another pop and the front door burst open, admitting a wizard wearing purple robes with stars and moons. "What in Merlin's name is going-"
That was as far as he got, because Ingrid and Erika returned with another tiny pop and landed in his beard. "Albus Dumbledore, kjaere venn," Ingrid cooed intimately, to the astonishment of the revered Headmaster, who gaped rather stupidly, "it is time you too faced judgment for your actions!"
Erika waved her axe, but instead of chopping through the white beard, it began to come alive. It whispered in his ears, and wrapped around his throat. "du ser ut som om du trenger en klem, you look like you need a hug," it whispered in a thick, fuzzy voice. Dumbledore's face went purple before it released him. He began to raise his wand, but it was snatched instantly out of his hand by one of the twins, who handed it to Harry.
"No! For the greater good, I must have that wand! Harry is-" Dumbledore began, but was cut off by his beard, which was now writing "I am the Dark Lord Lemon Drop" in hairy letters over his face.
Harry couldn't help it. He began to laugh. He collapsed on the kitchen chair where he'd moved to when he was let out of his cupboard, looked at the head of Uncle Vernon, which was now singing Ave Maria from its perched on the stairs, to his body, which was doing an energetic tango on the entertainment center, to the head of Aunt Petunia, which was now singing American Pie, to Dumbledore, who was frantically wrestling with his beard, and began to howl with laughter. Else buzzed over and settled in his lap, being careful not to knock him In the head with her axe.
"You are free now, Harry," she said in her lilting accent. "We cannot stay long in this realm, but you can always call on the Fluffkyries to protect you in times of need. We protect the innocent and the defenseless, and we have decided that you are worthy of us."
She snapped her fingers and a dozen baby unicorns appeared in the living room, whinnying musically. One of them looked up at Harry and said, "Oi, mate, you wouldn't 'appen to 'ave any happles, would yeh?"
Another snap of the fingers and they were gone.
"We protect the fluffiness and cuteness in the world," said Ingrid, who was now standing on top of Dumbledore's head. Dumbledore's hair was now having a wrestling match with his beard and they were shouting Norwegian insults back and forth. His face was getting purple again as they tugged on each other.
"So if ever you have need of us, just call one of our names," said Erika, who was now poking Aunt Petunia in her bony rump and making her whinny from her neck stump.
"And we will find you wherever you may be," sang out Kari, who was shredding Petunia's curtains with her axe and laughing. The curtain shreds were dancing by themselves and singing Norwegian folk songs.
"The twins, Inga and Olga, had disappeared into a barrel of coffee beans which had appeared suddenly on the coffee table. Grinding sounds could be heard from its depths, accompanied by loud giggles. Coffee grounds were flying everywhere. Aunt Petunia's head looked horrified at all the mess, even as it wobbled on the floor, singing Clementine.
"On that note, we must go," said Else sadly from Harry's lap, reaching up to caress his face. But remember, we are never far away!"
And with a loud pop, the six Fluffkyries disappeared, leaving behind a scene of complete devastation. Vernon and Petunia's heads reattached themselves and stop singing and dancing/grazing. Dumbledore found himself on a deserted moor without any memory of how he came to be there, nor of how he lost his wand. Dudley, however, continued to be a manatee.
Harry kept the wand and from that point on his family never dared mistreat him. All he had to do was mention the word fluff and they would go white and forget whatever it was they were going to shout at him for.
Harry did call upon the Fluffkyries once more ten years later. The orgy that followed made even the thousand year old Hogwarts castle blush. But that is a story for another time.