Hm. Not sure If anyone is reading this but I'm happy to be getting this story going again. I NEED TO FINISH this! no worries i'm not going to rush it :)
It takes another many hours before the doctors discharge me. My eye is swollen and the stitches make my skin feel tight. They tell me that extensive surgery was preformed in order to save the function in my left hand. As it is, I lost my ring finger and will have many scars. The advanced serium, of course, helped speed healing, it should be nearly only scars in a few days time. I walk the halls, lost in thought and the memories of the night. I try to forget them, to forget the wildness I felt or the sheer terror as I watched Harrison's blood leave his body and soak his clothes. All I can see and feel now is red.
I don't know where I am going, I merely walk and duck into ill-lit hallways whenever I see a human figure. Once, I think I spot Rita and my entire body freezes. It is not until I am four hallways aware, curled into a ball in a broom closet that I feel I can breathe again.
Banks' words come flog my mind, and the image of my future changes. Dax Paylor is a well-known political figure. He was only a boy when his father took over the disctricts and wasn't publisiczed much until the past few years. Since then, he's become a public icon, something for the masses to obsess over. The ads show a man who's a fighter, a charmer and an excellent diplomat. No doubt half of the women in the district would sell their souls to marry this man. I sure feel as if I have. I am not convinced whatsoever this person has any soul. What kind of man takes a wife who has been kept in a camp like a slave, groomed to fight like a tribute and offered on a platter like a whore.
Fire lights my blood and I decide to cease thinking of nothing I have control over. Instead, I think of nothing and everything all at once. In those moments, alone in the shelter of an unkown closet in an unknown hall, I think of Finnick, the second man I've ever loved- the man I'd once thought was the love of my life.
Do I not think that of him any longer? I loosed myself in confusion and memories for quite some time in that space. And there, within the darkness, I decide to let go of the man who never loved me with the equal force I felt for him.
Hours later I wipe my face clean of the tears and decide this is enough. Enough of the pity and fear. Enough of this doubt. I am brave, I remind myself. I have survived.
I make my way back through the empty hallways, realizing everyone must be in the hall for dinner. As I passed the sparring room, striking and curses echo from the depths inside. Somehow I know who is inside. As I push the door open, I find my instinct right. He stands there, in a grey-sweat soaked shirt and brown pants. I watch his lithe body as he reaches behind him for another arrow. His brown hands catch it between three fingers and deftly flip it above his muscled shoulder.
It lines up easily with the wire and he sights it, breathing deeply. His arm pulls back, body adjusting slightly.
It strikes me how right he looks doing this; how natural his body moves in this activity. This is Gale. I watch the arrow leave the bow and strike just an inch from the bullseye. I'm impressed but Gale is not as he curses loudly.
I watch myself, completely devoid of any intelligent thought, come behind him and lay a hand on his back, marveling on the lines of his muscles which show through the thin shirt.
He tenses but doesn't turn around. A moment passes and I can no longer take this type of silence between us. I push the words down to the cuff. "I have no choice."
He doesn't move, doesn't even breathe and I'm worried he's close to exploding. I drop my hand and back away lamely. I shouldn't have touched him, I think, remembering his words about never wanting me. I don't feel that way for you, Vox
They cut like Rita's knife across my skin. A foolish part of me wishes to cut him back, make him feel just as foolish. "I'm to marry Dax Paylor."
He turns, furious and for some strange reason, I'm just as furious. The emotion comes from absolutely nowhere and engulfs me. In two moments I am on fire, wishing to burn everything between us.
"Oh, so it's okay, now that you're future husband will make you rich and famous!"
The cuff responds quicker than the words even can form, "Don't be ridiculous! I could care less-"
He comes dangerously close, snarling at me, "and I'm sure it helps that he's not so bad on the eyes!"
" How dare you! You think I want this?"
"Well, you sure seem to be on board with it since Banks name dropped the most eligible bachelor in Pane-"
"This is AGAINST MY WILL! It's your people that are making me do this!"
"…After all, you're last lover was the same kind of man! All show and glamour and a pretty face, no true love or affection. If you made that work anything's possible..."
"What are you-"
"-It's pathetic actually, Every one in Panem knew Finnick was only in love with Annie!"
My hand snakes out and strikes across his face before I can think.
I don't care that he knows about Finnick. All my mind registers are his words. Each insult digs into my flesh, searing away my self-concept. I want to punch him, I want to push him to the ground and kiss him. I want him to admit he feels something or maybe I don't. Maybe I just want anyone to admit that they feel something for me over another. For Bryk it was any girl, for Finnick it was Annie and for Gale it's Katniss or Johanna. With all my pain and pity and doubt, his words fall like rocks inside of me. I feel empty and alone. Gale is right. I am pathetic.
"You're one to talk. Cousin."
Anger still lights Gale's face as I shove past him. leaving the room.
I'm lost and numb by the time Im back in front of the dorm. I linger outside, fighting back my rapid pulse and the memories that lay inside. I wonder if the blood is all gone and decide how foolish that thought is. I want to stay outside but would rather not miss the hovercraft and be forced to stay another night in this room. Composing myself, I push it open to find it empty. Suddenly, I lifted off my feet by two strong arms. I thrash out and began to hyperventalate just as Cair's screams penetrate my fog-filled brain. "Jeeze! Tank sneaking up behind someone who was just attacked is the dumbest freaking!" "PUT HER DOWN!"
Tank sets me gingerly down and surveys my face with a grimace. 'I'm sorry, are you oaky." I focuz on the eagle tattoo of his neck. I start to count the feathers there to control my breathing and nod weakly. A moment later, I am not shaking and he pulls me into a softer hug. "You look rough," he mutters against my neck. I pull away and smile genuinely at him, fighting back the sadness which leaks into my bones.
I wonder if I will ever see them again.
Cair smiles sadly back. Hawthorne just ran into us in the hall, he said you're leaving. Jorr throws an arm around her, hapharzadley, "He said to tell you to pack and report to his room immediately."
I fight back the anger at whatever he thinks he'd get accomplished by that. Instead of listening, I decide to pack slowly, taking my time and saying slow goodbyes to each of my new friends. Tank hugs me plenty and tells me that If I ever need him to send word. As Jorr hugs me he promises to take care of Cair. Cair's goodbye is last. She walks me all the way to the tunnel where the hovercraft waits before lapsing into a complete silence. It is perhaps the quietest two minutes I've ever spent with the girl.
"Hawthorne told me who you're marrying. He said He'd take my rank if I told anyone," she chuckles, " Of course, I didn't tell him you'd already told me about the forced marriage bit, but I think i pulled off the outraged friend act pretty successfully."
I smile at her, remembering her scar, wide shoulders, red hair and trying to freeze this feeling of fondness I have for her. She steps a little closer and fold me into a hug. It seems less sentimental and ore functional hoewveer, when she begans to frantically whisper in my ear. "There's the peace rally in a months time, you're boy is highranking enough, he and you are bound to be there. Meet me a the third flag pole beneath the eagle. If he's a brute and you want to runaway we'll figure something out then." She pulls away. Tears threaten to spill over my lids. I'm touched that she has even thought of this and a part of me feels a little less alone. "Be happy, Okay?"
All I can do is nod despite feeling like the chances of happiness are far out of my grasp.
needs editing. sorry will do it
review!