Mortality
My last two days at Newton's were uneventful. I finished up the remnants of the inventory on Sunday and spent the rest of my shift behind the register. Mr. Newton was there on Monday and expressed how nice it was to having me as an employee. He asked about my plans for college and I lied with well rehearsed answers. I knew I was convincing because he assured me that if I ever wanted to come back and work over breaks, that he would be glad to have me back. It felt good to know that the expectations of at least one adult in my life had turned out to be what they expected.
Over the next several days Charlie's attitude changed little. He was more reserved than usual. I caught him a couple of times staring at me when he thought I wasn't looking. He never asked about my plans for the day or even what was going to be for dinner. He answered when I asked him things and spoke only about general stuff, work, weather and tidbits of gossip. I was concerned about him but not comfortable bringing it up. If it were Renee, there would be a lot of talk, mostly by her and then a resolve. Fortunately Renee would never have a job where the work could end with deaths.
I tried to picture in my head, Charlie on the doorstep and the family opening the door. They would see this officer in his uniform and immediately think the worst. Did anyone ever consider what the officer would see? You hear all the tragic stories about the police or military coming to the door, the bearers of bad news; you can't help but pity the family. Does anyone ever pity the messenger? What did Charlie see from his side of the door? 'Mr. and Mrs. Parents? I'm so sorry to be the one to tell you this. There was an accident this afternoon and your son was fatality injured.' The parents would turn to each other and console one another. Who did Charlie have to console him? Sure he probably didn't know the kid but did that really matter. This was a kid that had only lived almost 19 years. He just wanted to spend time with his grandparents and then go home to whatever was normal for him. He didn't ask for his life to be over.
Maybe to Charlie I was that kid. I hadn't thought about how rapid my life was changing in his eyes and even more so in my eyes. In the year and a half that I have lived with him I only pushed the limits a few times, but when I did, I pushed them all the way to the wall. He was there to pick me up, push me back towards my friends in the real world and ground me when I went too far (all the way to Italy). He was the Dad, this was his job and soon his job would change. Was he seeing the mortality of our relationship as father and daughter? Soon I would be Edward's wife. Okay, it was hard enough being the Sheriff's daughter now I was going to be labeled wife. Okay Bella, back away from the labels and think of the perks. There were no perks for Charlie because after the wedding comes the honeymoon and then off to college never to return. He had no idea of the last part. If he did know, would he be just like I was last fall or would it be worse. It couldn't be worse. I couldn't let it be worse. I needed to let him know, really know how much I care about him and appreciate him.
"Hey Dad, are you busy tonight? I thought maybe we could go to the lodge for dinner, my treat." Maybe if I confronted him in a public place where he could see other stable people it would bring him out of his funk.
"Oh Bells, you don't have to spend your money to go out to eat. I can give you a break and make dinner here or we can get take out. You should save your money for school."
"No Dad, I want to. Just you and me, what do you say?"
"Well, okay, if that's what you want."
"It is. It will be good for us to get out of this house." Maybe it was my time to step up and show my Dad that I am big enough to handle mature issues. That I am an adult in more ways than just age. I just wanted to tell him, assure him that he didn't need to worry about me. I had an eternal bodyguard who loved me as much as he did. A bodyguard more resilient than my dad could ever imagine. His worry was such an unnecessary burden, but I was not allowed to release him from it.
As we drove to The Lodge in Charlie's patrol car the talk was polite and empty. I started by asking him about his day. "It was fine, nothing exciting." I waited to see if he was going to elaborate but got nothing more from him. I tried to put myself in his shoes. So many people have told me how much I am like my dad. How would I feel being interrogated by him? Words like defensive, exposed and vulnerable came to mind. I felt if it were me I would appreciate the direct approach, just come out and get it over with. The coward in me decided it would better to wait until after he had a full stomach.
I changed the subject "So did you hear that Alice made plans for Mom and Phil to come up a little early and stay in Port Angeles? Mom and Alice have been having a good time corresponding about plans for the wedding."
"I knew Alice was making arrangements for them but I never asked more about it. I bet you're excited to see your Mom. When are they coming?" He was participating in the conversation but I could tell his heart was not in it.
"Tuesday the 11th. Alice has a whole itinerary of things we can do if we want to. She made sure plans were optional. She thought Port Angeles would have more things that Mom would like to do. You know shopping, pedicures and a tour to one of the wineries. I'm not so sure about the winery though. Do you think you could get away from work and hang out with us? I understand if you can't but maybe just a little bit?" I tried to put on a pouty face and big puppy dog eyes.
I got a small laugh from him. "You look ridiculous when you do that you know? It is not typical Bella. It looks forced and weird." I had to laugh too because I could just imagine how contorted and clown like my face had to look.
"Okay, no more facial ploys but will you think about it?"
"Sure, sure, I bet I can find a little time to spend with you, Renee and Phil." It sounded weird when he said Phil; not like he said it weird but, for me, to hear him include Phil along with himself. I was sad for him that mom had Phil and he had no one but me. He added after a brief pause "For you Bella, I will find time."
When we got to The Lodge I asked the hostess if we could have a booth. She must have read my mind. She seated us in one in a semi secluded corner. For a Friday night the place was only about half full. We ordered. I kept up the small talk about how Alice was having a great time and in her element with all the arrangements.
"I know. Wednesday morning she stopped by the station. If that girl had wings I bet she could fly." Thinking about Alice made him smile.
"Why was she at the station?" I asked suspiciously.
"Um, oh I don't see the big deal in telling you. She brought my tux, if that's what you want to call it. To be sure it fit right." The roll of his eyes confirmed how ridiculous he probably thought he looked.
"Why, what's wrong with the tux? They're just supposed to be regular grey tux." I really needed to pin down some of these details and stop everything being sprung on me.
"It is grey and really, really nice. Like high end stuff, but it makes me feel like I'm in costume for a movie. Like one of those period movies you see on Masterpiece Theater. It's probably just me. The collar was tight and kind of high, but probably needs to be that way for the bow tie. What do I know? Those monkey suits aren't real common around here. I'm sure Alice knows what she's doing."
"Well, did she say it fit right? If it was too tight you should have told her. I can tell her if you don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm sure she won't take it that way Dad." I never thought about how uncomfortable this would be for him. He started to blush a little and he had a hint of a grin on his face. I was confused. "What? You want to say something. I can tell."
"You know Alice, she just went on and on about how I looked. She said I should dress up more often. In Forks, Washington, really once in a lifetime is plenty." I could imagine how Alice went on and on. It made me laugh too.
"Didn't you wear a tuxedo when you married mom?" I realized I had never seen a wedding picture of them. There was the picture of us together at the hospital the day I was born but I couldn't remember a formal picture of the two of them."
"No, I wore a suit I had. It was a small affair with a Justice of the Peace. We couldn't afford to spend much on a wedding, but your mom made it real nice. She was so beautiful. I remember she wore baby's breath in her hair like a halo." He grew quiet, reveling in his memories.
The waitress brought our salads and entrée's. We joked about how Emmett would look in a tux like the one Alice had my dad put on. He joked it would be more like a gorilla suit rather than a monkey suit. There was a discernable respect for Emmet's intimidating stature. As we ate, Charlie gave several long stares my way. I smiled when I caught his look and he gave a saddened half smile back. When we finished eating I sat back strengthening my resolve. I wiped my mouth, put my napkin in the middle of my plate and very purposefully placed my hands on the table. "Dad, we need to talk."
He looked confused and a little wary. "I thought we were talking."
"About you, you've been kind of sad lately. Are you okay? I'm worried about you." If his hands would have been on the table I would have reached out and held one. I saw this done a lot on TV and in the movies, to show how much you care. In a way I was glad I couldn't. Talking about this was hard enough.
"Yes, I suppose I have been. It's just been real great having you around, kid. I knew you would be going off to college. I'm so proud that you are. I'm just going to miss you. This is going to sound weird, but I never got to spend a whole lot of time with you Bella. I feel like there should be a whole lot of things I should be saying to you that I haven't said over the years. When I look at you though, I get nothing. In a strange way I'm sure that you know what you're doing is right. Edward is a good person. I do see how much he loves you. Sometimes I think he stops breathing when you leave the room. He seems more adult than some adults I know and deal with. You chose well. I know you will be safe and happy with him. Really, that is all I can ask for."
This went way easier than I hoped for. Now it was my turn for a little, and I mean little honesty. "Thanks Dad, that means so much to me. I'm glad I came to live with you. I'm glad most of all that you are my Dad. Edward has a lot of respect for you, you know? He's a good man and I will
forever, be happy with him, but remember, I loved you first because you're my Dad." I couldn't believe I said that last part. It was so corny. I just knew I blew it. I felt my face turning crimson. I looked up expecting to see him stunned at my goofiness. Instead I saw a tear in his eye and a little wiggle of his nose. He rushed his hand to his mouth, playing like he was clearing his throat. The waitress came just then leaving the bill. I quickly grabbed for it and went for my purse trying to defuse my own awkwardness.
When we stood to leave, Charlie put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I put my arm around his back leaning my head against his shoulder. He was smiling, really smiling in a big way. On the way home we laughed a lot. Dad and I tried to predict some of the demands that Renee might have made that Alice would have to tactfully dodge to keep the wedding respectable. Every time he looked my way he smiled and sometimes nodded. I felt better. He was getting back to a good place and I actually helped.
I was already in bed reading Leaves of Grass when Edward came through my window. I set the book down and smiled up at him. I was glad to see him but I was still riding my cloud of self satisfaction.
"Well Hello, you seem to be in high spirits. Care to share?" The sound of his voice just heightened my elation.
"Like you don't already know," I implied.
"I'd rather hear your version." He sat on the bed and put his arm around me. Resting against him made me very content. I was feeling this more often and pictured a room full of brides all feeling the same way. Was this what being a bride felt like? When I hadn't said anything he brushed my hair behind my ear to see my face. "You're smiling because…"
"I'm happy."
"Because…" his prompting made his impatience evident.
"…Because my Dad and I had a nice dinner. Because I think I helped him feel better; because our talk made me feel better; because you are here and better yet, because I love you."
"Good. I'm very pleased you are happy." His comment sounded so silly to me that I had to stifle a giggle. I went to reach around him and had to stop when the bulky cast would not cooperate.
"I hate this thing. It's been a week and a half. How much longer? It doesn't hurt anymore, it just itches." Saying this brought on a sensation of prickles on my hand and wrist. I reached down beside my bed and retrieved a pen I kept nearby for just this problem. I stuck the innocuous end down the palm side of my cast for relief.
"Don't laugh. It's not funny, just very annoying."
"I'm sure it is. Carlisle said two weeks. We can check with him. It will be two weeks on Wednesday.
"Wednesday is great, perfect. I know I'm available. I can't wait." Okay I was laying it on a little thick but in all honesty I meant every word. This evening was turning out better than I had anticipated.
"Bella, I need to tell you something; but you need to hear everything I have to say before you react." My heart dropped. My elation was squashed. This was going to be bad, I just knew it. I bolted upright to face him and check his expression. He was calm but serious. He placed his hands on my shoulders reassuringly. "This is nothing bad. I know you have already suspected it is. Sam
called Carlisle today. The Quileute council requested that he contact us. They only wanted to know if more visitations from our kind are eminent. Carlisle told them that we did not suspect any future activity but that the lines of communication remain open if we should notice any change." He raised the back of his hand to brush my cheek.
"Oh, alright, thank you for telling me." I wanted to ask if Sam mentioned anything about Jacob but I didn't want to put Edward in the middle. It wasn't fair to him. I would have to handle the Jacob thing on my own. Billy said to give him some time. I figured Sam would not volunteer any information on Jacob anyway. I was positive I was on the top of his list of least desirable people. So I pursed my lips together and nodded my head like I was satisfied with the information. I kept eye contact with Edward raising my eyebrows trying to appear positive.
"Bella, I'm sorry, he didn't say anything about Jacob." Edward's eyes were sympathetic and pleading; almost like he wanted me to talk about this with him.
"I don't expect he would. You know all things considered." I was trying to be strong but it was getting hard to maintain my composure. Edward pulled me to him and tenderly embraced me. He kissed my head and smoothed my hair with his hand. "He will come around. You're too good of a friend to lose." In my mind I was losing. I was holding on to the thinnest thread of hope that after I changed I would still have Jacob. I must have been delusional. Every time I remembered our talk in his room, I would pick out the things he said that would convince me of his loyalty to me; that I would always have a leash on him.
A leash on him, I was horrible. Jacob was not a pet to be kept. What was I thinking? Maybe it was better that he took off. Had I become Catherine? I was getting Edward forever. Was I hoping to drag Jacob along through all eternity too? This was a bigger act of selfishness than even Catherine could ever hope to achieve. If, in the passing of centuries, I became bored would I be so cruel as to pit one against the other? I tilted my head to look up into his amber eyes. I was searching for the reassurance that I was not that person. When his chilled lips came to rest on my forehead, I felt warmth growing inside my chest. I could never do that to Edward, Jacob or any one. I would never use someone, at least not intentionally. This was senseless. I would be patient and wait. Jacob would forgive me, it was his turn.