So, this chapter is going to hurt a lot, so brace yourselves. Thank you for all the wonderful feedback, and enjoy!
Emma opens her eyes and glances at the alarm clock, groaning when she realizes it's 7 a.m. and they don't have to go to work because it's Christmas Eve day; trying to explain to Killian what Christmas is and what it means proved nearly impossible so she guesses she'll just let him experience it for himself.
There's a party in the town hall tomorrow night and it seems that the entire town is going, so they might as well go too; they have blended in with the natives surprisingly well.
Killian is still asleep, his nose pressed against Emma's shoulder, his arm thrown over her carelessly, and she closes her eyes and basks in the moment; she tells herself there's nothing wrong with pretending that he is hers and that she is his, that this little room in this little town is a bubble separated from his past and her future, and that they can just be in it like this.
No matter how far apart they are when they go to bed, they always end up clinging to each other by morning light, and she can't help reading into it.
"What time is it?" Killian mumbles and rolls away, then sits on the edge of the bed and glances at her over his shoulder and gives her an apologetic smile.
"Too early to get up", she says but he does it anyway, gets dressed and goes outside to shovel snow until it's time for breakfast.
Emma watches him from the kitchen window and realizes that she had never wanted to be with somebody so much, and it's not just a physical need; she wants to be with him and stay with him for the rest of her life, and it scares her more than anything else ever did.
Mrs. Walker's nephew brings the Christmas tree and puts it in the corner of the living room for her, and she invites Emma and Killian to help her decorate it; she's got three boxes full of Christmas lights and another five of mish-mash ornaments, and Emma can't help getting excited.
Killian is amused, but soon her excitement starts affecting him too and Mrs. Walker sits on the couch and just lets them have fun; Emma decorates the lower and middle branches and then hands Killian one Christmas ball after another and points out the places she wants them at.
"I think there's too many red ones on this side", he says and Emma comes to stand beside him, her head tilted to the side in contemplation.
"Okay, you're right. But this one in there", Emma tells him and gives him the golden one next, holding out her hand for the one he's already got, but he juggles both of them and steps back to admire their work.
"Turn the lights on, dear", Mrs. Walker says and Emma kneels next to the tree and presses all three buttons at once, watching Killian's face; he's seen Christmas lights around town already, but he still gets this look of stunned awe on his face, and she wants to keep looking at it.
Killian holds out his hand and she takes it, smiling when he hauls her up to her feet without taking his eyes away from the tree.
"It's pretty", Emma says and he pulls her against his side, his hand resting on her hip; both of her arms are around his waist as she leans against him and watches him watching the tree.
The tree is pretty, but he is absolutely beautiful.
Killian comes out of the bathroom wearing jeans, a dress shirt and the red vest he had on when Emma had first seen him, and she's glad she bought the dress she did because he's too busy staring at her to realize that she's staring at him too.
"It's going to be really hard not to punch anybody tonight", Killian finally says and gives her a half-smile that makes her blood boil; he doesn't want to be with her, but apparently he's more than ready to keep everybody away from her.
"Let's go", Emma tells him and shrugs on her coat, carefully arranging her curls on her shoulders and giving him a wide berth on her way out the door.
He tries to talk to her during the short walk to town hall but Emma gives him one-syllable answers and by the time they get there the silence between them is as icy as the night.
They leave their coats at the entrance and Emma tells him to go get her a punch before she dives into the crowd to greet everybody; they've been here for less than a month, and it feels like home already, but there's still one thing missing, one last puzzle piece that she can do without but at the same time realizes that it would make everything better if it could just fall into its place.
The last puzzle piece is, of course, Killian, and she'd admire his loyalty to Milah's memory if it wasn't preventing her from getting her own happy ending.
Robert Michaels appears out of nowhere and hands her a glass of wine, and since Killian is still nowhere in sight Emma accepts it and takes a sip; ever since he came to the station because his dog disappeared and he needed help finding him, Robert made it pretty clear that he liked her and that he'd wait however long it takes for her to dump "her aloof boyfriend since she deserves somebody much better".
She can't say that she doesn't like Robert, and in some other life she may even have trusted him enough to do something about it, but she's too connected to Killian, too in love with him to do anything to jeopardize any chance she might have with him.
"Michaels", Killian says from behind them and Emma steps in front of him on an instinct because there's too much challenge in his voice for a Christmas party.
"Jones", Robert says mildly and gives Emma a smile before taking her wine and setting it on the table next to his. "You won't mind if Emma and I dance for a bit, won't you? Since you can't."
Killian clenches his jaw and Emma lays her palm on his chest to keep him from exploding.
"Who says I can't", Killian says and takes Emma's hand in his, leading her through the crowd toward the dance floor.
"You seemed very jealous."
"I'm not jealous."
"Keep telling yourself that, buddy."
Killian cuts across the dance floor and she realizes that he doesn't even intend to dance with her, so she digs in her heels until he turns around and gives her a quizzical look.
"You either dance with me or I go take Robert up on his offer", she tells him, her eyes narrowing because she's so close to causing a scene and it would be his fault if she did.
Killian wraps his arm around her waist and tells her that he only knows how to waltz, all her anger draining away at his uncertainty.
"Slow dancing is even easier", she says and leads his hand to her waist, then wraps her arms around his neck. "You just shift your weight from foot to foot."
Killian pulls her a little closer and she loses herself in his eyes, in the music and in this feeling that is too strong to be anything but love, and for three minutes they dance and look at each other, free of doubts and has beens, forgetting all the reasons why they shouldn't, just breathing and moving in sync.
"We're under a mistletoe", Emma says when the song ends and Killian looks up slowly, his eyebrows coming together in a confused frown.
"And?"
"And, it's a Christmas tradition to kiss when you're standing under the mistletoe", she tells him, holding her breath and already lining up all the reasons why he should kiss her in her head.
"I'm not going to make a spectacle of us just because people are starting to doubt that we're together", Killian says and brushes his knuckles against her cheek before he pulls away and leaves her standing in the middle of the dance floor, frozen and heartbroken.
Killian is talking to Max and Mr. Harris and Robert offers Emma another glass of wine, asking her if she's okay with enough concern in his voice to make her accept it.
She downs it in one gulp and sets it down, realizing that they are standing under the mistletoe when she turns back to Robert; she gives him a pointed look because she's tired of Killian's hesitation, tired of dealing with his pain, tired of false hope and of being with him when he's still with Milah in his head.
She tells herself that she doesn't need Killian Jones to love her because he's got more baggage than she does; he's delusional, horribly stubborn and, last but not least, he's only got one hand.
It makes her cringe inwardly because she doesn't really care about any of those things.
She's just heartbroken.
Robert doesn't hesitate or ask her if she's sure; he just wraps his arms around her and kisses her, his tongue slipping into her mouth without any preamble.
Emma tries kissing him back, and she can't tell if he's a bad kisser or if she just wants Killian be the one kissing her, but either way she feels like crying and starts pushing at his chest until he lets her go.
"I'm sorry, I have to go."
A minute later she's putting on her coat and blinking back tears as she descends the stairs and starts walking home, her arms crossed in front of her chest because she's incredibly cold.
She tells herself that it's not the guilt and desperation that are making her cry; it's the wind.
"Emma, wait!" Killian calls from behind her but she just keeps walking, wishing she couldn't still feel Robert's lips on hers, wishing that there was a way to wipe any trace of him from her body. "Lass, please, talk to me. Are you hurt?"
"I'm fine", Emma says and walks around him when he steps in her path and tries to make her look at him.
"Then why are you crying?" He demands and falls into step beside her, and even though she can feel him looking at her, she just keeps staring at her feet.
"It's none of your business! We're just two people going in the same direction, and when it turns out that Storybrooke doesn't exist, we won't even be that", she says and wipes her cheeks angrily, hating him for making her feel like this, for making her think that love was in her grasp when it was always just a falling star she never had a chance of catching.
"Is this about me refusing to kiss you?" He asks and steps into her way again, the look in his blue eyes so concerned it makes her blurt out the truth.
"It's about me kissing somebody else just to realize that I never again want to kiss anybody but you!" She yells at him, tears stinging her eyes because he had ruined her without ever really laying a hand on her.
"I'm sorry, Emma. I wish I could give you what you need", he tells her softly and brushes her tears away, his eyes pleading with her to understand.
"You can. You just don't want to", Emma says and still tilts her face into his hand, closing her eyes because she's so ashamed of how weak she is.
"I want to, lass. But you deserve the world, and I can't give it to you", he tells her and presses his lips against hers, his arms wrapping around her as she tangles her fingers in his hair and runs her tongue over his bottom lip, gently tugging on it until he opens his mouth and lets her deepen the kiss; she's burning bright and her heart is hammering in her chest, and she barely acknowledges sparks flying from an utility pole a little way up the street.
There are enough sparks flying between them to make this town run for a year.
"Happy Christmas, lass", Killian tells her and she opens her eyes dazedly, belatedly realizing that this was just her present.
Killian kissed her, and this kiss was both their first, and their last.
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