Ah, Yet another. Thank you charakids for being my beta. And reminding me this morning that I should probably get this out. Personal thanks at the bottom.

Chapter 14

Chuck sat curled up on one of the benches in the back corner of the dining room at the Orange Orange. He wasn't quite sure how long exactly he'd been sitting there but by the way his backside ached slightly from the hard surface it rested on he would wager a fair bit of time. It was still dark in the room, not feeling like letting the sun in by opening the blinds. The darkness seemed more comforting to him for the moment, inviting. As if it were telling him it understood him and that it would hide him for as long as he needed.

At the moment he felt like that could be forever. He could sit in the darkened corner forever and just melt into the background. It was what he actually preferred right now. He knew on the other side of the curtain the sun still showed brightly as it began its decent into the west and he didn't feel apart of the light any longer. Chuck could hear the people outside the door walking by, laughing, talking, interacting with each other and the environment around them but Chuck felt distant to them now. He felt like he didn't belong. Something inside of him changed and the once bright and opened Chuck wanted nothing more than to seep into the wall behind him and hide in the shadows.

His body stiffened as he heard familiar voices in the distance. Holding his breath Chuck tilted his head slightly to the right for a moment before his mind connected the dots and he curled in impossibly tighter into himself at the sound of his friends and co-workers voices carrying across the parking lot as they left the Buy More. His heart sped up in sudden fear that they would come in, that they would see him and know that he was different. That they would see what had happened and would laugh, would mock, would be disgusted with him as much as he was of himself.

The fear didn't dissipate as they got ever closer to the door of the Orange Orange and Chuck stared at the door knob in fear, his heart beating wildly in his chest as he waited with bated breath for them to come up to the door and turn the knob.

But it never happened.

The laughing voices of his friends came muffled through the door as they walked in front of it but passed it by, probably on to the pizza joint a few stores down he realized as his lungs begged for breath. He granted it with one deep inhale before holding it in until it burned and he couldn't do it any longer letting it out again.

He was safe, of course he was. The Orange Orange was closed, had been for three weeks. Chuck hadn't told Morgan earlier that he was coming back today and therefore Morgan would have no reason to come there to find him.

A cloud drifted lazily over the setting sun, making the room only slightly dimmer as if it were blanketing him with a soft pat telling him everything was alright. But it wasn't and he knew it. He knew he would have to eventually face his friends, his co-workers. He would have to go back to the Buy More probably the next day, and he would have to pretend nothing happened and everything was fine even as everything inside of him screamed at him otherwise.

Chuck wished he was still in the hotel at Barstow.

The slight hiss from the freezer opening caused Chuck to jump slightly, once again causing him to curl up tight. This time however he closed his eyes, not wanting to see who it was that had come up from Castle. He couldn't remember what he was supposed to be doing, what instructions he'd been giving and in turn it caused panic to rise further into his chest. Punishment was swift and cruel. He just wanted to go home.

"Chuck?" A soft voice drifted towards him as he squelched his eyes tightly shut ignoring it. He didn't hear anything else for a moment until a loud squeak left him at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder.

Chuck opened his eyes after hitting the back of the bench hard, hearing a loud thud to look over to his right to see Sarah standing there with her hand outstretched and her eyes moist with concern. He calmed his heart, taking a couple deep breaths before gulping and giving her a weak smile.

"Sorry. Was lost in my head." He croaked out. He saw Sarah just nod her head weakly at his excuse before pulling out a chair at the table beside him and sitting down. He turned his eyes away from her, not able to handle the look she was giving as he stared once again at the door, this time wishing someone would enter now so he didn't have to deal with whatever came next.

They sat in silence for several moments, just listening to the sounds of the outside world. The awkward feeling that and permeated the room a few moments ago dissipated into a comfortable silence as Chuck let his mind wander away from there here and now, only to be brought back but Sarah reaching her hand across the table. Chuck looked down at it but didn't remove his own hands that were wrapped tightly around his hunched up legs. For some reason his mind felt suddenly detached and the hand she held out to him seemed foreign to him.

"Chuck." She said again, causing his eyes to move from her fingers that danced lightly in the air back to her face. "What are you thinking?" She asked curiously.

Chuck narrowed his brows at that, letting the question bound around in his skull. But for some reason it didn't connect the way it should and that worried him slightly, but one look back at Sarah caused clarity to come back and his mind was blissfully blank again. He shook his head, no answer to give her. Sarah lifted her hand from the table and ran it through her hair on the top before letting out her own sigh.

"Are you ready to go?" She asked him. He glanced towards the door once more before looking at her again.

"Where are we going?" He asked softly. Sarah stood up from the chair she was in and reached her hand out once more for him to take, waiting patiently as Chuck stared at it once more.

"To the hospital." She said simply and Chuck vehemently shook his head and tried to back further into the corner.

"I'm not going to the hospital." He stated firmly. He hated the hospital, always had. It was the one thing he never understood about his sister and her dream to be a doctor. To him the hospital reeked of tragedy and sickness blended with antiseptic and bleach. He hated going to the hospital even if it was just to have lunch with his sister. He didn't like to see the people milling about waiting for medical help, didn't like the doctors who walked around ignoring everyone and speaking in some kind of code he could never grasp. The hospital was huge and intimidating, easy to get lost in, to be forgotten. It was the last place he wanted to be at the moment.

"Chuck, we have to. Beckman's orders." She said sadly. "I know you don't want to go." She stated understanding, but still held her hand out for him to take. They stayed in that dance for several minutes with Sarah waiting for him to take her hand and Chuck resolutely ignoring it in favor of staring at nothing in particular. But Sarah was not one to back down, something he loved about her unconditionally, except in this instance.

Sarah moved the table that hugged his side like a shield, protecting him from anything that would come out from his right, except apparently Sarah Walker. Once it was out of her way she reached both hands down this time grabbing both of his and tugging him up but he refused to budge and he ripped his larger hands from hers and tried to shy away.

"Damn it Sarah, I said I wasn't going to go. Leave me alone!" He shouted angrily at her, but seeing the hurt in her eyes he immediately regretted yelling at her and turned his eyes away once again.

Sarah sighed tiredly and sat down on the bench next to his feet and buried her face in her hands. Chuck refused to look at her, knowing that he would cave and do whatever she wanted because he felt bad for hurting her feelings. He knew she was just trying to help and follow orders, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. She sniffled a little bit as she dropped her hands to stare at him and he couldn't stop his eyes from meeting hers, his face softening at seeing the tears that were starting to streak down her face.

"Sarah, I…"

"I know Chuck." She said softly, bumping his legs gently with her shoulder. "It's just; we have to make sure you're ok. You were left here for three weeks, they…" She didn't finish but Chuck knew what she was saying.

"I know. I'm sorry." He mumbled suddenly self-conscious.

"You have nothing to be sorry about Chuck. None of this, you couldn't do anything. This whole thing is just a fucking mess." She said angrily. Chuck blanched at her swear words, not used to Sarah using such harsh language before a small smile took its place.

"You're only trying to help me." And with one last deep breath Chuck closed his eyes, counted to ten then reopened them.

He began unfurling his body, hearing pops and creaks as his joints protested at being in the same position for long until he finally stood up to his full height in front of Sarah, holding his own hands out to her to take this time. Sarah stared up at him a moment a sad smile on her face as she took them and was pulled up to her feet. She brought her hands up to the side of his face lovingly, her finger twirling a loose strand of his hair.

"I have to know you're ok. At least physically." She whispered to him standing closer. Chuck nodded his head, he understood.

"And what about the rest? Emotionally, mentally?" He asked her as he got lost in the blue swirls of her eyes. Unblinkingly Sarah stood on her toes and placed a soft chaste kiss on his mouth, causing him to feel a shudder down his spine.

"We'll deal with that too Chuck." She said, her warm breath against his lips felt wonderful to him and he suppressed another shudder as she stepped back. "But let's take care of this now. Get it out of the way. You'll feel better and it's the first step to healing." She told him firmly, seemingly to believe her own words. Chuck wasn't so sure but he was willing to give it a shot. He would do anything for Sarah.

With that he let her lead her him back out into the California sun.

This was humiliating. The whole thing. And Chuck couldn't decide if it was worse with Sarah there or not. He had grimly bit his tongue and allowed her to drive him to the hospital, luckily not the one that Ellie and Devon worked at and sat dutifully in the waiting room chair while Sarah went to check him in. She had told him along the way that they had a CIA doctor at this hospital and that he was to see him. He wasn't sure how he felt exactly about that, letting a CIA doctor get so close and personal with him, however it was better than his sister finding out he was in the hospital for assault he supposed.

They didn't have to wait long as a nurse came out and led them down to an empty exam room where she asked Chuck to remove his clothing and to put on a gown. Chuck had eyed it warily, noticing right off how short it was before putting it on. He stared at Sarah for a moment after the nurse left and she stared right back.

He felt slightly irrational that he wanted to her to turn around and not watch as he changed, after all she had seen all of him, on several occasions but right now he felt more self-conscious than he'd ever in his life.

"Do you want me to leave for a moment?" She asked him, crossing her arms over her chest again, a stance she'd been using since they got back to Burbank. His mind screamed at him to say yes but he didn't want her to leave. Didn't want to be alone with yet another unknown government personal so he shook his head.

Slowly he began to peel off his clothes, feeling aches from soreness and sharp pains from the welts and bruises. His body felt fatigued from the lack of sustenance since this all began and lifting his shirt seemed like way more effort than it should have been.

Once it was off he had sat there, shoulders hunched as he shivered in the cold breeze of the air conditioned room. A slight hitch in Sarah's direction brought her back to his attention and he felt a child as he watched her eye his topless form. He felt a blush rise up his chest and neck as he turned away from her gaze ashamed and mumbled a request that she turn around. He was grateful she complied without protest.

The exam itself was more humiliating than having Sarah stare at his broken body. The doctor was strangely more thorough than what chuck felt was strictly necessary but Sarah had assured him that it was standard procedure. He had looked at her alarmed for a moment, wondering if she knew that from training or personal knowledge but when the doctor stuck him with a needle, drawing out what he considered too much of his blood, the thought had fled him as he passed out on the table.

The whole thing had taken just over an hour and now Chuck sat on the exam table back in his clothing as Sarah sat next to him in a chair. They were waiting for the doctor, he had put a rush order on some of the blood tests but all Chuck wanted to do was…

He wasn't sure. He wanted to go home but he couldn't deal with Ellie at the moment. He had been missing for two days about now and he knew she would be worried about him, especially after seeing him take off with the agent. He hadn't even called her, leaving his phone in Castle when he took off, though he knew Ellie, knew she was probably calling him like crazy, texting him to call her, to come home.

"Where do we go next?" He asked Sarah, his voice strangely loud in the small exam room. He felt Sarah tense next to him, startled at the sudden sound before looking up to him.

"Uh, I can take you home. Let you get some rest." She answered as Chuck swallowed hard. He shook his head, looking at the door, willing it to open with the doctor to tell them they could leave.

"I really don't want to go home yet Sarah." He told her plainly.

"Where do you want to go then Chuck?" She asked.

Chuck opened his mouth, about to answer, or not answer as was the case since he didn't know where he wanted to go when there was a soft knock on the door before it opened admitting the doctor. Chuck immediately clamped his mouth shut, not wanting to say anything in front of the doctor. Though he didn't flash on him Chuck had become wary of anyone who works for the government and thought he allowed the good doctor to poke and prod his body, it didn't mean he trusted him.

The Doctor looked down at the clipboard in his hands before looking over at Sarah than Chuck. "Well Mr. Carmichael, everything looks fine so far. You have a great deal of sores, and bruises but none of them look deep and they are not infected."

"That's good, very good." Sarah said reaching up quickly to grab his hand that lay limp on his lap. Chuck fought the urge to grab it back and hold it close to him, suddenly not wanting to be touched.

"The STD panel we took also came back negative, however as you're aware it could take some time for anything to show up if it does. I'm going to put you on some antibiotics just in case to try and kill anything that may try sneaking up on you." The doctor said.

Chuck swallowed hard, and stared at a spot on the wall behind the doctor's head as he tried to listen, but his ears had a loud buzzing sound in them and he found it hard to focus on the doctor's words. He felt slightly disoriented as he focused solely on that one spot, nodding his head a few times automatically as if he was listening but he wasn't.

He felt Sarah's fingers squeeze his a couple of times and he resisted the urge to shudder, suddenly not wanting to be touched, not wanting to be around anyone. His mind brought up an image of the dark spot in which he sat at the Orange Orange alone while he waited for Sarah to come get him and everything in his being wished so desperately that he could be back there, blending into the environment, invisible from all.

"Chuck." She said gently, tugging his fingers and he shook his head slightly then looked down at her. Her blue eyes were wide with concern and he had to look away from them.

"Uh, yes." HE said mechanically, not even knowing what he was answering to.

The doctor gave a gruff puff before putting the board under his arm and looked sternly at Chuck. "I said I recommend you come back in every six month for the next year for new tests to be sure. Also unprotected-"

"I understand Doctor, thank you." Chuck interrupted impatiently, closing his eyes against the buzzing in his ears. He was done with this. He was done being patient. He wanted to leave and he wanted to do it now.

Without waiting any longer Chuck let go of Sarah's hand, wiping the clamminess caused by him freaking out on the leg of his pants as he stood up from the table. "Thank you doctor." He said and he walked around him.

"Chuck?" He heard Sarah call his name but he didn't stop. He had to get out of the room, he had to get out of the hospital, he had to leave.

Chuck opened the door of the exam room and quickly exited and walked down the hall that they had come from. He kept his head down as he his long legs took him further away from the room, from Sarah. He stopped at the elevator, looking up for the first time, his heart beating rapidly in his chest as the others waiting for it turned to look at the new arrival, but Chuck panicked at their eyes, looking at him, seeing him, eying him warily as they took in his over lanky body and his battered face.

"Chuck, wait, please." Sarah's voice shouted down the hall. He didn't turn to look at her, hearing her feet clap on the floor as she ran towards him but he didn't wait, couldn't wait for her.

Turning quickly he headed to the opposite side of the elevators where the door to the stairs were and quickly left through there. Not pausing he took the stairs several at a time heading down to the bottom floor until he was able to get out of the stairwell and out in the common areas. The smell of the hospital was overwhelming as he tried desperately to find the exit. He kept running into people in his hurry, hearing cries of indignation as he pushed people aside or barreled through them without an apology or a glance, his mind focused on one thing only; get out.

"Sir, please stop." A man's voice said from behind him. Chuck ignored him and turned quickly down yet another hallway still seeing no way out.

'I should have gone up.' He thought to himself, turning another corner as more footsteps and voices called after him. 'At least I'd be on the roof' He came to an intersection with three other hallways to go down and without stopping chose the one on the left.

"Sir, will you please stop and turn around." Another voice shouted towards him, but he didn't really hear it. The voice appeared to have grazed his hearing like a bust of wind only to dissipate.

'At least you'd be out and free.' He continued in his head, frustration building in his chest making it harder to breath. He felt the panic rise in him as the feeling of being trapped and lost over took him and it took whatever will he had left not to just crumble to the ground and start screaming in misery.

'You could have ended it and jumped.' Chuck stopped mid-step as he was turning a last corner. He stood stiff with wide eyes in fear as air stopped flowing in and out of his lungs. He couldn't inhale, he couldn't think, he couldn't do anything but focus on that last thought, and how much it frightened him how much he wanted it.

Chuck listened closely to the beat of Sarah's heart beneath his ear, eyes closed tight as he held on to her for dear life. He imagined it wasn't very comfortable for her having a long lanky man wrap his limbs around her like an octopus in order to be as close as possible to her. It was something he had started doing at a young age whenever he felt weak and vulnerable he felt the most safe when he was able to almost literally wrap himself around someone he loves and be protected. Though it became slightly more difficult as he grew long.

He was just grateful his current girlfriend had more height than the past ones.

It was dark in the hotel room where Sarah called home. He could hear the traffic below as people went about on their evening plans or going home from work. He felt separated from all of them, alien almost and wondered when or if he would ever be a part of them again. His world had been such a mess for so long there were times he didn't know which way was up.

"What are you thinking about?" Sarah's said, breaking his thoughts before they could darken. He didn't answer her, just pulled her closer. Sarah's breath hitched slight and he felt her chest rise and fall a few times as she tried to get air in her lungs before he reluctantly loosened his grip a bit.

His mind tried to connect the dots as they lay there, trying to figure out how he had gotten to the spot that they were now. Chuck didn't remember much, everything being a haze from the time the doctor opened the door to now.

He saw himself walk down halls before suddenly stopping in the middle of nowhere. He didn't know what floor or wing he was in and at that moment it didn't really matter anyways. The next thing his mind would accept was Sarah had come for him, as she always did. He was surrounded by security and he felt his body panic as they stared him down and circled him, preventing any escape and then she was there, her yellow hair trailing behind her as she ran like an angel to him.

He couldn't remember what she said, couldn't remember any sound but the buzzing that stayed with him and a constant thump in his chest that echoed hollowly throughout his body causing him to cringe. She took his hand, Chuck letting her this time, and had led him out of the hospital, out the exit he had so desperately searched for not moments before. It was so easy for her to find that he let his eyes flutter closed, trusting her explicitly as she lead him to her car and finally to her hotel.

He had been grateful, not able to go home at the moment. He was glad she listened, more than glad really and it had been a relief. He had felt like he'd been screaming and protesting for years over anything and everything and still did whatever anyone else had him do. He felt like his life was so far out of his control at times that it left him in a constant state of depression that he tried so hard to hide from everybody. Apparently doing a good job of it too since nobody ever commented or seemed to notice.

But Sarah was different. For the first time in his life really he felt like he had someone who listened to him and heard him. Thought it was a small token, bringing him here to her hotel instead of taking home to his sister, it meant a great deal to him and he wasn't sure how he could tell her that.

Sometimes the smallest of gestures leave the biggest impressions.

His mind couldn't connect how they had somehow gotten into her bed, gotten into the position they were in right now but he didn't care. He was comfortable, he felt safe for perhaps the first time in weeks. He was exactly where he wanted to be.

And yet his mind raced quickly as the one thought he did remember reverberated around his head over and over again. To go to the roof, to be able to jump. His body and mind had screamed at him at that realization to make the thought true and to follow through on it, but his heart wouldn't let him. He was tired of it all, all the lies, or the torment. Abandonment and high expectations he'll never meet. Everything was just so tiring to him at that second and the fleeting thought felt right.

But lying here now, wrapped around Sarah tightly, listening to her heart beat below him, feeling her chest rise and fall with each breath, he practically purred as she ran her fingers through his hair in a soothing manner. It was a wrong thought, and it scared him, and he didn't want it. He wanted to live and he wanted to be with Sarah.

"I feel like I'm falling apart." He whispered to her. She paused in her ministration for a second before continuing.

"Yeah, I know." She said back to him. "But I'm not going to let you Chuck."

Chuck turned his head, finally opening his eyes so his chin would rest on her chest and he could look up at her through his lashes. She stared down at him with soft eyes and a determined line on her lips. He fought the urge to kiss her grim expression away but he stayed where he was.

"I feel like everything is so exaggerated. The world is so normal and I feel like I'm making a huge deal out of it and its childish."

"It's not Chuck. Not at all." She countered.

"It's tragic but I'm a guy. I should just suck it up." He lamented, turning his head once more and holding her tight again, but Sarah sat up then pulling him with her. He scooted his body into a more comfortable position but still refused to meet her gaze as they sat in the bed facing each other.

"Don't ever say that Chuck." She exclaimed. "You are entitled to your feelings. It doesn't matter if you're a guy. Gender has nothing to do what happened."

"Sarah-"

"Don't. Don't just suck it up, let it out Chuck because if you don't you'll become bitter and jaded. I don't want that for you." She reached out and swiped a stay piece of hair from his forehead and he closed his eyes, enjoying the feel and comfort of the gesture.

"Sarah have you ever…" He couldn't finish the question, not really wanting to hear the answer. He didn't think he could handle knowing that someone had hurt his Sarah in the same way. That she had gone through the fear and anger at being forced and violated. It wouldn't be her fault, he knew that, there was no question but his heart would break and he was afraid of the anger towards the person and what would do to him.

He was thankful at the shake of her head.

"You work for the government enough and you see a lot of unfortunate things. You deal with a lot of unfortunate things." She said downcast. "It made me question many times what I'm doing. What I do, how it affects people."

"Sarah-"

"I've seen how people react and I won't let you Chuck. I don't know how or if we can actually 'fix' this, what happened, but we'll try." Sarah looked up at him then, biting her lip. She scooted closer to him and Chuck watched as she leaned in close to him. "I've felt so numb and so dead for a long time Chuck and you brought me back to life. You gave me this vision of a future that had more in it than death and orders. I'm not willing to let that go, not now not ever."

"I'm not going anywhere Sarah." He assured her, placing a palm on the side of her face. "I'm right here, with you." Sarah swallowed and blinked a few times and Chuck's heart constricted painfully at seeing tears escape the corners. She had cried so much in the past twenty four hours because of him. He never wanted to make her cry.

Closing his eyes Chuck leaned closer to her and placed his lips upon hers, licking them gently to gain entry. She easily allowed him and he held her as close as he could without occupying the same space and time. Electricity poured through his veins and his heart beat wildly deepening the kiss. It felt right, it felt comforting, but he had to stop it. He couldn't take it any further, not yet, he wasn't ready.

Slowly pulling away Chuck ran his fingers through her hair and down her back, placing soft chaste kisses as he sat up once more to look at her. The moisture in her eyes was still there but the tears weren't falling anymore and he felt elated at that, at seeing her smile up at him. He loved that smile, and wanted to see it more from her. He never meant to cause her pain.

He continued staring into her eyes and he leaned forward again and placed his forehead on hers, still running his hands up and down her spine. He felt her shiver at his touch and her breath hitch in pleasure at the simple gesture.

"Where do we go from here?" He whispered to her, finally closing his eyes again for a second before reopening them, seeing she had done the same.

"First we go talk to Ellie." She said. Chuck sat up slightly and looked at her confused.

"What?"

"And then, we go and find the ones responsible for all of this."

A/N: There ya go. Next chapter will be the Ellie Encounter. Not sure when I'll get it up though. Next week is the Belmont Stakes and with American Pharaoh being a triple crown contender I'm going to be VERY VERY busy. Cross your fingers, there hasn't been a winner since 1978, But i really believe this guy has a chance.

Also, if you miss me a lot, i did write a once shot called "Chuck vs The Cupcake you are welcome to read.

As always, twitter has my thoughts. (If you want my FB messege me)

And my thanks to those who read my story, and even more so to those who reviewed.

sevenrez: I respect the military and those who serve but I've heard many a story similar to this by my father (who is air force) and how they view things. For the greater good. They have a different mindset.

MrBi11: Thank you *bows*

Wade1978: Oh you're making blush. I'm glad you liked the chapter. I rewrote it 3 times till I got it enough how I liked it. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story as well!

phathead01: I agonized over that for several days on what Chuck's reaction would be to that proclamation. I decided to go this way to stay realistic. I know some wanted a huge declaration of love and mushy but I like realistic stuff and I settled with this. Sorry for the hang. I hate cliffhangers so I try to end it in a way that makes you want to keep reading but dosen't stress ya out.

wilf2: Team Bartowski always sticks together!

phnxgrl: Glad you liked it. I felt it was needed!

Nomadic Nerd: One of my fathers co-workers, a Colonel once told me that leaders had to play it cool and profesional at all times regardless of how they feel. To be honest I really like Beckman, I always had. She has a more difficult role to play than most really know. Her job is to get her underlings to follow orders. Whether she believes it was a complete failure or not is not up to her, as we all take orders from someone. For instance, i'm taking orders from my stomach...as it is growling and I must feed it.

uplink: They must be together on this or the team shall fail. *sigh* plus i love team bartowski being well a team.

Shutupnkissme31: that is in the next chapter!