When his chrono chimed Starbuck hated to even leave the bed to contact the Commander to let him know he may be late reporting. Rene was still sound asleep, and he didn't know if he should wake her or not. Technically, she had nothing to do this day, excused from all duties and trainings, but Starbuck unfortunately did have things to do. Since finding out there was no official charges against him for the fight or the punch to Reece, he could still conceivably get that promotion he was up for and he didn't want to jeopardize that with a baby on the way. He'd need the extra pay as he was quickly finding out; kids were expensive and surprisingly the military didn't cover those extras needed like toys, clothes and even diapers.
He stroked Rene's arm softly, tracing over some of the tattoos, the triangles for her kills, before he tenderly turned her arm over, counted the marks there. Neat even slices, most the same length, done with a blade, not a laser scalpel. Jake had been right, more than a dozen. And that was just one arm. The other held even more. Starbuck hadn't gotten to that chapter in the books yet. This was new to him and he was completely confused as to how hurting oneself made things better. Getting blind drunk and dealing with a hangover, that he understood. You never meant to hurt yourself with that, you meant to numb the pain for a while and everyone thought they could beat a hangover. But this was different. Well executed, precise calculated pain. He'd need to find some data on that.
In a way, she had warned him this was coming with the words she spoke after the Iblis assisted the shift in space. "I cheat at cards and I kind of like the pain." That's what she had said. He'd been sure not to let her play cards with those who could spot the cheating. But the pain? What was he supposed to do about that, hurt her? Not his style, never would be.
He slowly extricated himself from the bed. He'd have to report in soon, so he decided it might be time to use a connection or two, not for himself, but for Rene. He got up from the bed to comm Adama, but when he opened his comm, there was a message waiting for him from the Commander to report to the bridge with Rene, as soon as they awoke. The commander made sure to add that there was no rush, and sometime before midday meal would be acceptable.
Starbuck looked to Rene, sleeping peacefully and if he counted up the centaurs, it was maybe the most uninterrupted sleep that he knew of her getting since coming to the Galactica.
"Yeah," he chastised himself, "I should have done something about that sooner." He'd been so egotistical that he thought he could solve every problem. Now he was beginning to realize that being abused was probably only half of Rene's problems. He could get a few Captains transferred to other ships and make sure the gals were protected from borays and rapists, but he couldn't make the destruction go away. He didn't control the Cylon empire.
Rene had been right in her night time mumblings. She could paint over that city scene, but it was still there, a blank metal wall as a stark reminder that she had lost two worlds and was stuck inside a tin can.
He decided he'd turbo and see to some food before he woke her up, and make some strong java as he was pretty sure she was going to feel more than a little hung over. The door comm chimed, and Starbuck found Jake outside.
"She's still asleep, but you can come in."
Jake shook his head, "No, it's okay, I just…look I didn't mean to do that in front of everyone. I just didn't know and usually, she kind of gives me a heads-up before she...loses it. Wanted to apologize to you."
"Me?" Starbuck was a bit shocked at that. Jake didn't talk to him often. Apologizing was a huge step in the right direction.
"Yeah, the crack about how you should have known. She's good at faking it and she's good at working you."
Starbuck found those words more offensive than the comment at the dinner table. He wanted a bit more clarification, but he didn't trust himself to ask at the moment. It was obvious that Jake knew about the paintings all over their chambers. He didn't even give the walls a glance, except to look at the city scene that had been painted over, now just a regular gray wall. Jake looked from the wall to Rene, saw for himself she was asleep, and said goodbye as he headed off to his trainings. Starbuck stopped him and made the young man promise to have a drink with him, but Jake gave him the same classic shrug that Starbuck was realizing for the Rats was a passive agreement, and a passive refusal as well.
Rene was still asleep when Starbuck was done with the turbowash and making food. He decided against his better judgment that he should wake her. Maybe half groggy she wouldn't punch him for the cheap trick with the hypo. He made sure to have the java close by him as he gently shook her awake. As predicted, she was pretty out of it as he handed her the mug and she sipped down half before she trudged off for a turbo. Once dressed and the rest of the java in her, she finally fixed him with an angry glare shaking her head at him.
"You could have told me. I wouldn't have fought you. You don't have to trick me, okay?"
"I didn't know that at the time. Logged for future reference."
She nodded to him, then looked away. "How bad did I screw up this time. I should apologize to everyone and…"
Starbuck moved slowly, but he crossed the distance to her and reached for her hand. "You already did. You're not in trouble. And Jake even came by to check on you and he's not even mad."
She sighed and nodded. "So that bad, damn. How do I fix it?" She looked to him with concern in her eyes.
"Well," Starbuck wasn't exactly sure either. He had hoped the evening would be when he made it official, set a date and they would be in these quarters curled up under the covers excited to be planning a sealing. Now, there was the uncertainty if a sealing would even happen. Instead of planning a celebration, they would be planning doctors and appointment. He knew she was probably going to have to actually go to those psych appointments before she'd be allowed back to flying even shuttles, and certainly before they'd let her back in a viper. He found he couldn't voice any of it to her, partly because he could deal with the guilt she would feel at ruining his romantic moment, and partly because he knew if he mentioned doctors, she would bolt from the room. He settled for the easier truth, to take this moment by moment.
"The Commander wants you on the bridge and I don't know why. They were clear you were off the duty rosters today. I suspect you'll be talking to a few doctors and the sleep aids won't be optional."
She nodded solemnly. "I'm fine. You know that right?" She sighed when he wouldn't answer. "Do I get to see the kids?"
Starbuck didn't answer. "I can't see why you wouldn't. Let's go see what the Commander wants first, then we'll go from there."
Rene looked away and nodded. When she looked back, Starbuck saw her barriers were firmly in place and once those walls were up, there wasn't much he could do.
It was a short walk to the bridge and Rene followed silently. Starbuck figured she was probably trying to calculate how she could black mail her way out of this, but she didn't understand yet the differences between her old commander and her new one. Adama wasn't easy to move once he had made up his mind, and when it came to the safety of any human, be it warrior or civilian, he never budged. Starbuck knew all he had to do now was make sure Rene didn't bolt from the bridge, and the Commander would take care of the problem.
Rene's steps faltered at the smile on the Commander's face, the fatherly concern in his voice. "Good to see you looking well rested. Colonel Gage will be with us shortly."
"Will we be meeting in your office, Sir?" Starbuck asked, hoping to offer Rene a bit of privacy in what he knew could be a tough issue for pilots. Once word got out your name was even being considered for psych evaluation, no one wanted to fly with you, let alone talk with you. It was a taboo topic amongst troops. Starbuck knew it shouldn't be like that, but he had already witnessed first hand how Cree was shunned after returning from Cylon torture, something everyone had sympathy for, but no one wanted to talk about, so they just avoided Cree.
"No, Lieutenant," Adama answered with no explanation.
"Uh, sir, I think that maybe…"
Adama cut him off with a stern look. "I believe you have duties to attend to, Lieutenant."
"Uh, with all due respect sir, I think that maybe…"
"We will discuss the matter later. You are dismissed, Lt. Starbuck." Adama was almost curt with him and he was confused as to why. Starbuck could literally hear the klaxons that were ringing in Rene's head.
He started to open his mouth again, but Adama turned away. The look on Rene's face bordered on panicked, and she was standing at attention not moving a muscle. Starbuck whispered to her, wanting desperately to touch her, to soften the blow. "He's not Dante. This isn't the Zakar. You'll be okay. I was on report, started a fight remember, and it all turned out fine."
The look she flashed him let him know she didn't believe a word. Starbuck tried to hang around, but the Commander reminded him again, in very precise words that he was dismissed. He tried to leave the bridge as slowly as he could, managed to delay just long enough to catch Gage entering from the turbolift with a civilian with him.
"Gage, can I have a word with you?" Starbuck asked, but the stern look had him quickly adding, "Colonel, sir.""
"Starbuck, you were right. She uses me and I have let this go too long. You can stay to watch, but I want you out of the way, out of her line of sight. Not negotiable. We'll talk later, understood, Lieutenant? That's an order."
Gage had never issued an order to him yet. The two had worked almost as equals, but he knew the man had the power to place him back on report if he wanted. Starbuck mumbled a "Yes sir," and blended into the background.
Adama greeted the Colonel warmly, but Starbuck could tell that his friendly demeanor was not helping Rene feel at ease, and probably it shouldn't. From the stories the Rats told, Dante often cloaked his plan for pain in pleasant smiles.
Gage nodded to the Commander and turned to Rene without any preamble. "Lieutenant Rene, I would like to introduce you to Dr. Dixon. You will be joining us on the Zakar where we will be having a long conversation."
"Is this an order, sir? Because you can't order me to talk to civilian doctors or to accompany you anywhere," Rene replied and Starbuck realized she'd actually paid attention to his regulations lectures he'd given.
Adama tried to alleviate her fears. "It is a request made in your best interests."
Gage interrupted the commander harshly. "Lieutenant Rene, I owe you an apology and I will make that apology as public or as private as you deem necessary. We can have this conversation on the Zakar alone with Dr. Dixon here, or I will be having a different kind of conversation, publicly, very publicly, about everything that happened on the Zakar and on Dilmun. I will detail every incident including everyone who was involved, or we can keep this private and you can accompany me to the Zakar. Your choice."
As Gage spoke, Adama turned away and looked directly at Starbuck nodding. Starbuck was left wondering if the two officers had choreographed this little exchange in advance.
Rene glared at the Colonel before answering, "Fine! Okay…yes sir, a conversation on the Zakar, got it. Let's go." She began to move to the turbolift, but Gage held up a hand.
"Arrangements have been made for you regarding your children for the next five cycles."
"What?! Five cycles? I don't think it will take that long to talk." Rene took a step back away from the Colonel.
Dr. Dixon added to the exchange. "Actually, I suggested it take longer, but I was overruled." The man smiled, and Starbuck caught a hint of manipulation in that smile.
Rene balked at the grin before turning to Gage. "One cycle. I will give you today, and that's all."
Gage thought for a moment, then replied, "Four and I will leave Crius out of the incident report, but the rest remains."
Rene winced, cursed, and Starbuck realized there had to be something other than the incident with Pallus that Gage was referring to. Rene countered, "Two cycles and you leave Lizbet out of it."
Gage didn't hesitate, letting everyone know what he had really wanted was what he was getting, "Three, and it only involves you."
Starbuck thought he could literally hear Rene gnash her teeth at having been out negotiated. "Fine, but you and me, he doesn't need to be there." She pointed to the doctor.
"Lieutanant Rene, this is not up for debate or negotiation. He joins us and you will be forthcoming with your responses or I will be forthcoming and involving many others in this. It has been suggested that everyone in the family should be attending drug counseling at the least and…" Gage paused giving Rene the room to object.
"Fine. Sir. Agreed. Let me make arrangements and…."
"Already being handled. Lizbet says to not worry about the kids. The others will be informed. Let's go, Lieutenant. Now."
Rene closed her eyes and sighed, she broke military protocol, looking up at the Colonel casting him a sad wide eyed little girl look. "Gage, does it have to be today?"
Gage answered in the same lack of decorum. "Kiddo, it should have been all kinds of yesterdays ago. Hades, it should have been three yahrens ago, or maybe six, don't you think?"
Rene looked away at that. It was the doctor that responded, taking a step towards Rene, albeit slowly Starbuck noted. "Lt. Rene? I don't know you, and I would like to get to know you with a few questions, but for now I have just one thing to ask. If I'm wrong, well, we will try to keep this to one or two cycles alright? Dante was not the first. Your mother died when you were almost eight. And how did you and your father get along?"
Rene didn't answer the question, just stared at the man. Starbuck knew it was not defiance that had her standing still, it was shock, a rabbit in the headlights of the hover mobile.
"Holy frack," Starbuck muttered.
"Based on your lack of reply, I suspect his death was not an unwelcome event for you. In fact, it helped make your life better in many ways, correct? You no longer had to deal with his advances." The doctor lowered his voice. "Like you, I would also like this conversation to be private. Shall we head to the Zakar?"
Rene finally blinked. "Does it have to be there, sir?"
It was the doctor that answered. "Yes. And you know why."
Starbuck watched as Rene closed her eyes, and cursed under her breath. He knew that was the last place she wanted to go and he knew why. He wanted to leap across the bridge and save her from the horrors she had already faced there. She didn't deserve to have to go over them again, and he found his feet moving towards her, but when he looked to Adama for his assistance in the rescue, he knew it would not be forthcoming. The commander ordered him to halt and Rene turned to him, her eyes pleading with him to help her. He didn't get the chance. Gage took her gently by the arm and led her from the bridge.
Starbuck looked to Adama and the man shook his head sadly. "Would you like to have that talk now son?" Adama didn't often use that term of endearment, and seldom in public even with his own son. This time it didn't make him feel better. It echoed in him like a warning bell. Adama came to join him as Starbuck hadn't moved and hadn't answered. Adama lightly touched his arm shaking him from his paralysis. "In my office."
Starbuck held it together until the door to the office closed. "Was that really necessary? Three cycles and a civilian psychiatrist? I mean, do you know what happened to them on the Zakar? Having to go over it again is going to be like walking through hades. I mean, is that really going to help her? Think about it! She had to live it once, does she have to live through it twice? And to take her away from the kids…they're her reason for getting past every nightmare. They're the reason she wakes up every morning. Not to mention, that every time she's disappeared from them, she's come back battered and broken. You think they're not all going to be worrying themselves sick for the next three days, especially the older ones?"
The Commander was patient and let Starbuck vent his frustration. He understood how the man must be feeling. It was another sign that Starbuck was truly in love. He wanted to protect this woman, even from her own internal demons. The problem was, he couldn't, and Adama understood those feelings as well. He waited for Starbuck to calm down before offering him a seat, reminding him that Rene was in good hands and that his own assurances to the children would go a long way to getting them through the separation.
"Starbuck, I combed the fleet records and made a point of finding a civilian, one who understood not only combat stress, but also childhood trauma. You forget I knew her yahrens ago. Dr. Dixon was very informative as to what the problem may be with very little information. His assessment is that we never dealt with the true problem. Her father died and the system assumed her problems were a result of grief. I now know that perhaps there was much more and maybe she wasn't grieving at all. She may have been abused for yahrens by various people beginning with her father. It also explains why she was fine in my home when I was not there. Looking back, it is my arrival for some shore duty when Rene's problems in my home began. She ran away to avoid more abuse, not understanding it would not happen. And Dante was just another one, perhaps more sadistic than the rest, but maybe not the hardest for her to deal with. By Gage's account, she was actually quite adept at manipulating Dante. "
Starbuck winced at the information, and Adama gave him a comforting smile. "And that right there Starbuck is why it needs to be someone outside of this situation, even outside of the service. This will be unpleasant, but so is setting a broken leg. Would you have her hobble around with a broken bone and not help her set it?"
Starbuck rolled his eyes. "We have bone menders for that now, Commander."
"Sadly, we don't have psyche menders that work as adeptly," Adama replied softly. "The brain is far more complex than a single bone."
"I get it, I do, sir, it's just," he paused trying to formulate his argument, "she was fine until I was put on report and couldn't be there for her. We were working on it and then," he shrugged before shifting the conversation. "She wants to seal with me. I asked. She answered. We were starting to plan it, I swear."
"Son, this is not about your sealing or those quarters you are sharing. This actually has very little to do with you. I know you were going to make it official at the dinner I held. Boomer told me. Starbuck, wouldn't you want her healthy and happy for that event?"
Starbuck sighed again. "I guess I thought our sealing would make her happy. That it wouldn't cure her, but could . . . let in a little sunshine into the darkness."
Adama nodded, squeezing Starbuck's shoulder. "I'm sure she was drawn to you, Starbuck, because you're a lot like that sunshine you speak of. But she needs to learn to deal with the darkness, to find ways to climb up out of it that doesn't involve hurting herself."
"Yeah. She's going to fight this."
Adama levelled a look at Starbuck. "And that is why I followed Gage's recommendation on how to convince her. He knows how she works and believe it or not, he's on your side."
Starbuck rolled his eyes at that one too as he slumped into his chair realizing he would not be allowed to see Rene for those three cycles and he wouldn't be in this process at all.
"Dr. Dixon did leave me some questions to ask you, and a few for her friends. I was wondering if we could go through them together, so you may ask the others and we can submit these to Dr. Dixon today. Question one, how is she sleeping?"
There weren't many questions, but Starbuck felt like a traitor answering them. The answers he gave were not good, and that was even after he hedged and withheld some of the information. The family was not going to like this. When he finished, Adama left it to Starbuck to ask the questions of those who knew Rene. He thought he'd start with the closest to Rene and probably the hardest to probably get answers from.
He swung by the training rooms and pulled Jake out and took him down to the duty office. The young man seemed more than eager to ditch on the training to answer a few questions, that is until he discovered the gist of the information needed from him. Then Jake became surly and every answer was, "You should know, Starbuck, you live with her."
Jake didn't even jump when Starbuck slammed down the datapad. "Look, these are to help Rene!"
Jake just levelled him a blank stare before he said, "How is my breaking her trust going to help? When she tells me to answer, I'll answer."
"Jake…frack, alright, I give. You win. I can't compete with you. You've known her too long, been through too much together. You have all the answers. You said in the Life Center when she was shot that you are the one who owns her, and frack if that isn't the truth then I don't know what is. So why in hades hole don't you want her to have the best chance at getting better?" He paused as Jake glowered at him. "Because it's not you who's sitting across the therapy desk from her? Because it's a stranger, not a rat? Because no one but you has earned the right to even try to put her pieces back together again? Or maybe you like her that way?" He sat back and watched as Jake just stared at him for a few microns. The microns turned into a few centons.
It was Boomer coming in to the office with Max that finally broke up the staring contest. "Uh, what's going on? Aren't you supposed to be in a training?"
Jake didn't say a word as he got up to leave the room, but Starbuck wasn't letting him get off that easily. "She was abused on Caprica. Dante wasn't the first one to abuse her, was he?"
Jake stopped, slowly spun to look back at Starbuck, stared at him for a few more microns before he answered softly, "No he wasn't. And if she wanted you to know, she would have told you." He spun back around and headed for the door, but Starbuck stopped him again.
"And what about you? Dante wasn't the first to abuse you either, was he?" Jake froze midstep. Starbuck tried not to feel satisfied that his shot in the dark was a direct hit. "You won't answer for her, fine, I get that. Loyalty and all that. How about you answer for yourself? Question one, how are you sleeping Jake? Nightmares? How many a night? How many demons do you live with?"
Jake slowly spun back again and stared for another long centon. Starbuck tried to wait him out, but instead decided to toss in his chips on the gambit. "Your group of friends is getting smaller by the day, Jake. I don't want to fight with you. I'm just trying to be a friend. I'm trying to help your friend, because she means the world to me too." Jake seemed to consider that. A small step forward. "Look I get that Rene and I might not…probably should not be together, but you two, you won't make it if we don't work on this. The patterns will just keep repeating and tear you guys apart. Think of the kids if you can't think of yourself or Rene. So, let me earn your trust and be your friend. You need some help too, Jake."
Jake stared him down for a few more microns before he nodded slowly. "I have a training I have to get back to, but…" the silence stretched for a micron more, "I wouldn't turn down a drink later."
Jake left the office and Boomer quirked an eyebrow at Starbuck. "What was that all about?"
"Just working on making things better."