14
I gotta change the station
Fandom: Glee
Characters: Kurt/Blaine, Wes, David, OCs.
Rating (this chapter): PG.
Warnings: None.
Spoilers: Season 2.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. I do not own any of the songs used every other chapter.
Summary: Blaine makes a desperate move. Will it work to make Kurt forgive him?
Author's note: Long chapter, because you've been waiting for an update for more than two weeks. You deserve it. I'm making it up to you with these 11 pages which are like a double chapter, in a way.
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I gotta change the station
The rest of the last day of the week was pure torture for Blaine. He ate almost nothing since he couldn't even find the energy to make himself lunch. Since his mother and his brother were out, he didn't have any company, which meant that he could spend the next few hours getting as much depressed as he wanted to without being interrupted.
Kurt didn't like him back. At least not anymore.
It sucked being such an idiot when it came to love and relationships. Every time Blaine had a crush, he had no problem telling the person - hell, he'd even sung for Jeremiah with the Warblers at the Gap! He would never tell anybody, but he'd even serenaded to a guy while performing at a theme park. Blaine was certainly not a shy person when it came to love confessions, and now this? He hadn't been able to see that Kurt was the one for him and in the meantime, he'd ruined their friendship. Moreover, he'd decided that he liked him back after all that, only to hit the wall hard.
He waited in solitude for the entire day for his family to be back. The first one to arrive home was his brother but Josh was clumsy and weird. He'd barely passed the door and he was holding himself to the wall so that he wouldn't fall. Blaine had to go catch him before he hit the floor, and that's when he noticed the state his brother was in.
"You… You're drunk," Blaine muttered, watching Josh try to get up by his own means. "Wait. You're not ok. Why would you go to a bar and come back home like this?"
"None of your business, now leave the grown-ups alone."
"Grown ups, right. Sorry but I'm not the irresponsible one here."
"Don't… really care. Bed. Now."
"Will you tell me what's going on?"
The only answer Blaine received was the door being slammed without any warning. He just stood there, wondering what the hell was going on and eventually, when his mother arrived he didn't want to make her worry about it, so he didn't tell her. She sounded happy that an art gallery seemed to be interested in her paintings and he couldn't that feeling away from her.
Blaine spent the evening listening to his mother talk about her projects and her ideas for brand new paintings. It was inspiring to watch her follow her passion professionally speaking for a change. He'd always considered her a very straightforward, honest, original, beautiful person and he dreamt about being as wise as her someday.
In the evening, Blaine locked himself in his room, closed the blinds and turned on the radio. He lay in bed and thought about the last few days, about the strange changes in his behavior, about his sudden realization that he was falling in love.
All the freaking songs were depressing no matter how many times he changed stations. All of them reminded him of Kurt and they were definitely not helping Blaine to get over the fact that it was a lost cause. Only the last song seemed to make him feel better. It was a Jack Johnson song. God, Blaine loved the man and his songs, and he fell asleep to "What you thought you need" without even noticing.
He dreamt of Kurt. The sweet, caring, gorgeous guy he'd taken under his wing. The one whose voice was absolutely stunning, the one with the perfect skin, the fashionably messy hair and the great taste in clothes…
Monday was a lot better than Sunday. Blaine woke up feeling relaxed and at peace with himself. A lot of the stress was gone since he'd slept ten hours straight. He was ready to face the day at Dalton Academy and to see Kurt again.
He had the feeling he'd jumped into conclusions. Maybe he'd misunderstood everything yesterday and Kurt wasn't done with him. It didn't hurt to just ask the guy and get the clarifications from him. Wasn't it easier that way – to know what the other person wanted first, without assuming to have all the answers? Much of the confusion that had come up so far was because of both of them thinking they knew each other well enough to know what the other one felt. Clearly, they didn't.
Blaine walked down the stair in his Dalton uniform and arranged a couple of things inside his bag-pack as he entered the kitchen. His brother was already there, drinking a huge cup of coffee.
"Rough night?" Blaine asked him, and he felt a little bit guilty that he wasn't as miserable as Josh.
"Yep," was the only thing Josh said, and he kept drinking his coffee. "And before you ask, I'm ok. Oh, and I'm not talking about what you saw last night."
Blaine knew that his brother didn't like to be seen as a vulnerable person, so he didn't push for an explanation. Josh was older than him, he was an adult and he had to be responsible for himself. If Josh wanted to share with him what was going on in his life, he would be there to listen but he would also respect his brother if there were issues he'd rather keep to himself. Blaine poured some coffee in a mug and drank it slowly. "Mom's out already'"
"She has a meeting at the bank. She was a little bit worried. I hope it's nothing."
"Me too… You'll keep me posted?"
"I'll let you know if I hear anything about it."
"Thanks." Blaine drank the rest of his coffee and grabbed some French toasts his brother had made. "I'm gonna take these for breakfast. I don't want to be late. I've got two classes today and then a break before lunch for Warblers' practice. See you later."
"See ya!" Josh told him, and he waived him goodbye.
Classes at Dalton were as hard as usual and Blaine realized how much time he'd wasted getting obsessed with his own lies and the effect they would have on his relationship with Kurt. He would have to catch up with several lectures, that was for sure. He'd spent time reading and studying but he didn't seem to remember anything.
Suddenly it was eleven o'clock and it was Warblers' practice time. He would see Kurt and he would ask him for forgiveness and for a straight answer about where their relationship was going. If Kurt said that they were over, then it was fine. Ok, not really fine, but at least Blaine would know where he stood. He had to admit that he hoped that didn't turn out to be Kurt's response, though.
The doors to the room where they had their rehearsals closed when he was only a few steps away from them. Practice had already started! He ran towards the doors and opened them without being careful. The result was a room full of Warblers looking at him like he was an alien.
"Am I late?"
David informed him, "Warbler Blaine, we wouldn't start a meeting without our lead singer…"
"I wouldn't count on it. Punctuality is a must if we're determined to win Regionals…" Wes added.
"Anyway," David cut him off, raising his hand, "We've got two days left before the big night. Let's try and concentrate on rehearsals!" He smiled widely and ignored Wes, who was giving him the I'll-kill-you-later look. In the meantime, Blaine took his place on the sofa.
Wes organized his papers. "So our eleven o'clock number…"
The doors opened again and a flustered Kurt came in. "Am I late?"
Wes answered, "Yes!"
"Wes, it's fine! Plus, I bet he had a good reason," David pointed out.
"I'm sorry," Kurt muttered, out of breath. Kurt closed the doors behind him and took his usual place near Blaine on the sofa. He'd definitely been sweating and his clothes were a bit wrinkled and out of place. Blaine couldn't figure out whether it was a new style or not and he wasn't sure if anyone else had noticed it, but it was crystal clear to him that Kurt looked different. What had been doing? "I didn't have classes in the morning so I decided to rehearse a song with a friend of mine."
"You haven't shown him any of our numbers… have you?" Wes asked quickly.
"I didn't. He doesn't belong to any singing groups, and he doesn't know any of our rivals. Trust me, it doesn't matter if Dyla… I mean, Joel, knows. We're safe."
When Kurt mentioned that name, Blaine felt shivers run down his spine. The memories of Kurt's song with Joel weren't making the image of Kurt and Joel kissing go away. Didn't Kurt like romance? Because the wrinkled and messy clothes didn't exactly meant being just friends with Joel.
Wes was smiling now and caressing his chin, like he'd gotten the same idea. "Aha."
"It is important that we don't get our personal matters get in the way to success," Wes immediately added like he was supposed to warn Kurt somehow.
"Of course. I know that," Kurt assured Wes.
"Good. Now, just like David said, let's check our eleven o'clock number…"
So what, it was ok for Kurt to see Joel as long as he kept singing? No, it was not ok! Couldn't the warning be a little stronger? Like 'Kurt, please do not get a boyfriend now'? Or ever, unless it's Blaine?
"Wait," Blaine suddenly said.
Wes threw the papers he had on the table and rolled his eyes. "Seriously? Is this a thing we do now?"
"What thing?"
"Interrupting me."
Blaine didn't know what the hell he was talking about. "Sorry, it's not my intention to bother you in any way, but I have something that I want to say."
"Is it about our eleven o'clock number?"
"No. Well, yes. I guess. I was thinking that maybe we should change stations…" Blaine could see the worried looks in his friends' faces and he raised his hands. "Before you freak out, I am not saying we shouldn't try the sexy number. I am just going to point out that sometimes people feel sexy when they're in love. And they think the person they're in love with is sexy, too."
Wes's eyes narrowed. "Sexification. By love… Is this a joke?"
"No. I seriously think we have to go back to romance in order to gather the feeling of sexiness we need to win Regionals."
Before Wes could add anything, David elbowed him and said, "Interesting. What do you have in mind?"
Blaine didn't waste one second to tell everyone the song he wanted to sing. "Mariah Carey. We belong together."
Wes wasn't exactly thrilled. "It's a beautiful song, but isn't it about a couple that breaks up? Don't they miss each other afterwards? How is that romantic? From where I see it, it looks pretty depressing."
"Well, I disagree. I think that it is when you really miss someone that you realize how much you care about them. How much you love them. That's where the romance is. And romance leads to sexiness."
"I still don't…"
"Wes." David elbowed his friend again, harder this time. Even Blaine could see it under the table.
"Fiiiine," Wes muttered between greeted teeth. "This is still practice. We'll see how it goes."
"It's gonna be awesome. It's Blaine, man."
Blaine was relieved even if he didn't know what he was doing. He wanted to sing that song all of a sudden and he wouldn't miss the chance to do it. Somehow the fact that Kurt had come looking like he'd shared some sexy times with Joel had turned him into a mad man. "Thank you for your confidence in me… Actually, to be honest with you, guys, I have to say that I'm not throwing that idea to the table just because of Regionals… I'm…"
"You had a secret boyfriend and you two broke up?" David wanted to know.
The Warblers remained silent as the conversation kept going. Blaine looked around and saw everyone waiting for an answer, even Kurt. "Um… no," he clarified.
"Did he break your heart? 'Cause that bastard's going down," Wes added, and it was really weird to see him get involved in something as personal as that, interrupting the formality of their meeting. "We better tell Freddie."
"Freddie and I aren't speaking," Blaine informed them.
"Crap, is it him?" David asked, looking completely surprised.
"Who?"
"The heart-breaker."
What the…? "Jeez, no!" Blaine stood up, tired of the craziness that surrounded him. "I don't have a boyfriend, I didn't have a boyfriend and even if I was about to have one, it wouldn't be Freddie."
"Ok, man, chill," David said. "We were just tying up the loose ends."
"Right," Blaine said, and he took a deep breath to try and concentrate again. "What I was going to say is that I am missing someone a lot. I kind of want to sing about it if you don't mind. Then we can decide whether it's good enough to be one of our numbers or not. I screw up more than you think, you can be sure of that."
"Warbler Blaine, you've been granted permission to perform."
"Ok, our lunch with Freddie really affected you. He's the only one who comes up with Star Trek analogies."
"Funny, but not necessary. Let's listen to Blaine."
"Thank you."
Kurt was watching without much interest now as Blaine stood in the center of the room and the Warblers started humming the first piece of music. Finally, the time came for Blaine to sing.
I didn't mean it when I said I didn't love you so
I should've held on tight, I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing, I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself
This time he kept looking at Kurt in the eye like he meant every word included in the lyrics. There was no way Kurt could misunderstand the message. Damn, it was pretty clear.
I could not fathom I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I'd be sitting here beside myself
'Cause I didn't know you, 'cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips 'cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give to have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby
The chorus was so truthful to what Blaine felt that it almost hurt to know how long he'd been blind.
When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
It's still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please
(Come back, come back)
'Cause we belong together
Who else am I gon' lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up (Oooooh yeah)
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together
He could have been more than Kurt's friend months ago, but no, he'd been chasing other guys knowing they didn't want anything serious with him. Blaine had been an idiot all along, and now he was paying for the consequences.
I can't sleep at night when you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio saying to me:
"If you think you're lonely now"
Wait a minute this is too deep (too deep)
I gotta change the station so
I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break and then I hear Babyface
I only think of you and it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together but I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong
The pain inflicted in this song ain't even half of what I'm feeling inside
I need you, need you back in my life, baby
For the last chorus, Blaine made sure to stand closer to Kurt in order to send again his message.
When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
It's still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please
(Come back, come back)
'Cause we belong together
Who else am I gon' lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up (Oooooh yeah)
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together baby! (We belong together)
Then the song was over and everyone seemed to be thrilled with this particular rehearsal.
"Outstanding, truly outstanding!" David congratulated him, standing up and applauding him along with the other Warblers.
Blaine applauded them in return since they had allowed them to sing the song he wanted and also helped them do it. They were a team and the result was more than the sum of the parts.
"Did you feel the sexiness, the love?," David continued, glancing at Wes, who raised an eyebrow. "I guess not."
"I did. And I felt the passion," Wes responded, smiling for the first time today during the meeting. "Warbler Blaine, that was an excellent performance."
"Thank you, all. I really appreciate it. I couldn't have done it without you."
"Keep that for our winning speech at Regionals. Ok, now…" Wes looked at his papers and frowned. "Let's take a break. Five minutes, not more. Check your lyrics, people!"
While the Warblers started getting together in little groups to revise their song lists and lyirics, Blaine sat alone on the sofa and ignored Kurt. If Kurt could play the hot and cold game, so could Blaine. It seemed to be a good technique to get someone else interested. It worked with Blaine, right?
It only took a minute for Kurt to approach him and call his name in a whisper. "Blaine."
Blaine pretended to be distracted by the lyrics and didn't even look at Kurt. "Yeah."
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure…"
"Alone?" Kurt sounded a bit nervous, and Blaine's gaze landed on his.
"Um… ok."
They moved to the loneliest corner of the room and Blaine thought he would test Kurt and see what happened. "So… do you wanna check the lyrics with me?" he asked, as if they weren't going to talk about anything important.
That was until Kurt blurted out, "No. What the hell was that?"
So far it was better to look confused. "What do you mean? It was a love song, it was…"
"Was it meant for me?" Kurt's eyes were wide open with what Blaine identified as curiosity. Good sign.
"Um…" Blaine smiled, "what I said it was?" There, he'd said it. If Kurt still liked him in some way, he would respond...
"God, Blaine… I don't know… I don't know what to do with you." Kurt hid his face under his own hands and sighed. "You can't do this."
Blaine was already getting anxious and upset. He folded his arms in a defensive posture. "Do what?"
"This! Going from being my friend to lying, then to getting into a fight with Joel, and then to telling me that you like me?"
"But I like you."
"Where did that come from? We had a fight yesterday morning. How did that changed into you telling me that you're interested in me now all or a sudden?"
Blaine took a deep breath and explained, "It was a song."
"A song."
"Yes. A Mariah Carey song. My all."
"I see. So a song let you know that you were in love with me," Kurt muttered with irony, which hurt Blaine a lot and made him feel embarrassed.
"You say it like it's stupid."
"No, I'm not saying that and you know it. Of course you can discover things about yourself through music. Hell, been there, done that. Art is self discovery," Kurt clarified. "What I don't get is the meaning of this. I don't know where you expect this is going to go. Things are not ok between us yet."
"I thought you would be happy that I'm finally on the same page you are… unless you're not." Blaine suddenly realized that he'd just gotten the answer he didn't want to hear.
Kurt was over him. Completely.
"Oh, no. How did I…? I'm an idiot. I should have known this was silly," Blaine muttered, embarrassed. "I mean, you did sing that song yesterday about closing the door with me…"
"What song?"
"The Jessie McCartney one at the bar."
Kurt definitely wasn't amused to hear that. "You were there? What where you doing? Did you follow me again?"
"It doesn't matter. I heard you. You said my name. That song was meant for me."
They stood there in silence. Blaine took a deep breath and thought about the possibility of the earth swallowing him alive there and then. This wasn't the first time he'd gotten rejected, but it sucked to be rejected by Kurt more than it sucked to be rejected by anybody else.
"Blaine…"
"No, it's ok. I just gotta adjust to the situation. You don't like me back anymore. Just… be happy with Joel. I wish the best for both of you. Wrinkle your clothes together as much as you want." That sounded so dirty that Blaine regretted saying it out loud, but he was really angry and a second later, he didn't care.
On the other hand, Kurt was horrified. "What are you talking about? He was judging my dancing skills, you heard me telling everybody about it. I need to practice my moves."
"Your moves. Right. And what moves are those?" Blaine continued, because at this point, he felt like he knew the truth and that Kurt was lying to his face.
"I'm talking about street dancing moves. I know a lot about Broadway musicals and how to perform in them, but I need something rougher in order to be able to play sexy for Regionals. So what if I danced to Beyonce's 'Sweet dream'?"
"Sweet dream. I see. You danced a sexy song for him."
Kurt threw his hands to the air. "I didn't mean it like that! Stop overanalyzing my words! Joel's my friend."
"Kurt, you don't have to lie to me. It's fine if you're with him. You deserve to be with someone. You said it yourself. It doesn't necessarily have to be me, right?" With that kind of sarcasm that he enjoyed to show sometimes, Blaine turned around, wanting to join the Warblers, until he heard Kurt's next words.
"You're acting like an idiot."
Ok, that was it. Blaine turned to Kurt and got closer to him again… this wasn't going to end like it was all his fault. "You know what? One thing is that I say that I'm an idiot because I feel like one after confessing my feelings to you when you don't feel the same… but you telling me that I'm an idiot… it's upsetting me. I just made a fool of myself, isn't that enough for you?"
"Enough for me?"
"Enough for you to forgive me so that we can remain as friends?"
Folding his arms, Kurt glanced at his shoes. "It's not that simple."
"Why not?"
Kurt's blue eyes were full of pain and fury when he pointed out, "You lied to me, remember?"
"And I said that I was sorry. How long will I have to apologize? It's not fair! Unbelievable… Unbelievable… You are lying about you being with Joel because I know that you're together! And yet, you won't forgive me!" Blaine was yelling and it was only after he was finished that he saw the Warblers staring at him, astonished.
There was only one way to break the tension.
He opened his mouth and sang about his feelings.
When I'm nervous I have this thing - yeah I talk too much
Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up
It's like I need to tell someone, anyone who'll listen
And that's where I seem to fuck up
Yeah, I forget about the consequences,
for a minute there I lose my senses
And in the heat of the moment
my mouth's starts going, the words start flowing
Slowly, the Warblers looked at each other and starting humming the music, one of them producing the sound and the rhythm of the drums of Jessie J's song.
But I never meant to hurt you,
I know it's time that I learnt to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learnt,
Looking back at Kurt, he used all of his energy to ask for forgiveness with anger.
I hate that I let you down
and I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around
cause now I'm the one that's hurting yeah
And I hate that I made you think
that the trust we had is broken
So don't tell me you can't forgive me
Cause nobody's perfect,
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nobody's perfect
Karma was a bitch. He'd never thought he'd come to the point to sing this song to Kurt, but it was necessary at the moment. Blaine jumped onto the sofa and continued with his performance, although it didn't seem like one. He was focused on the lyrics, on the feelings, and not on the final result.
If I could turn back the hands of time
I swear I never wanna cross that line
I should of kept it between us
but no I went and told the whole world how I feel and oh
So I sit and I realise
with these tears falling from my eyes
I gotta change if I wanna keep you forever
Promise that I'm gonna try
It hurt to sing like that, like it was his only chance, but this was a claim for a second one.
But I never meant to hurt you,
I know it's time that I learnt to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learnt,
I hate that I let you down
and I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around
cause now I'm the one that's hurting yeah
And I hate that I made you think
that the trust we had is broken
So don't tell me you can't forgive me
Cause nobody's perfect,
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nobody's perfect
He got off from the sofa and got so close to Kurt that he had him walking backwards and almost resting his back against the wall. Hell, Blaine could even smell his perfume, so distracting. The Warblers followed every move, glancing at each other and obviously wondering what was going on between Kurt and Blaine.
I'm Not a saint, no not at all,
but what I did - it wasn't cool
But I swear that I'll never
do that again to you
I hate that I let you down
and I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around
cause now I'm the one that's hurting yeah
And I hate that I made you think
that the trust we had is broken
So don't tell me you can't forgive me
Cause nobody's perfect!
"Stop!" Blaine asked the Warblers, tired of performing. "Stop!"
A second later, the room was silent. Kurt was resting one hand on his chest like he was trying to calm himself down and to catch his breath, but he stood where he was - even when Blaine approached him once more to make a final point.
"I want us to be friends, Kurt, but I lied and you lied. If you can't get over it, that's fine. I won't ask you again," he told Kurt in front of everybody, and with that, he grabbed his stuff and walked away.