Quick AN's: You can play as Loki in Marvel Heroes I've discovered – it is a lot of fun XD

Story: Loyalty

Chapter Fourteen: Losing Control

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."

-Roy Croft

Dere:

"Loki!" It was the first thing I called out when I came back to consciousness after the event – I felt numb and dizzy, my arms flailing a moment as someone held me so I wouldn't wobble off the healing table.

"He's fine, now sit still!" The female voice held enough command that I calmed myself to listen – noticing there were several healers around the soul forge looking over my bodies unusual readings. "You're lucky to even be alive – if he hadn't drained some of the magic from you then you would be. What were you thinking trying to cast a spell like that?"

I glanced away from the healer, even without her chiding I felt guilty enough. I'd put all of us at risk just because I didn't want to hear Thor insulting Loki. Because I thought that maybe I could shut him up so he wouldn't question us anymore – as if it were my place to try and give some sort of legitimacy to my relationship with Loki. I should have known better.

It was a childish mistake that I knew I was paying for, that I would continue to pay for my whole life. My entire body felt slightly numb and yet stung – particularly my back. I'd never had frostbite before – but I came to learn that the cold was no more forgiving than a fire when it came to flesh. They had to regrow most of my skin...a less than pleasant experience I can assure you. I didn't expect to receive a royal visitor only a few minutes after that procedure.

I wanted to get up and bow when Odin entered but I could only incline my head – which was still painful on my new flesh. He gestured me immediately still and I couldn't help it, I burst out into comments before really thinking about it.

"It's not Loki's fault, or Thor's. I'm sorry...I was being goaded by Thor cause he was drinking – and he really smelled. But I mean, um..." I was rambling but I couldn't really stop now. "I cast a spell cause he said that if I couldn't then he thought that I wasn't being honorable – and it messed up. I messed up – please don't blame them. Are they really okay?"

"What do you remember?" Odin asked, I couldn't tell then but he was searching for a very specific answer. I hadn't yet witnessed Loki's true form however, I was frozen by my own power almost the moment it happened and then I was unconscious. After I told my tale Odin agreed not to punish anyone any further – since I was clearly already suffering. Then he left me there, to the changes in shifts between the healers. I couldn't leave the area – I had to be under constant watch in case the magic began to spike again.

I almost burst out into tears when I felt fingers touch my hand. My eyes blurred when I realized Loki had come to see me.

"Please, Loki, I'm so sorry...I shouldn't have done that...it was stupid and you could have gotten hurt, and I'm an idiot." I burst into tears as I made the apology, half expecting him to leave me then and there. That he'd just come to tell me goodbye given what a young moron I was. I could have killed all of us after all. Instead, he did the thing I least expected.

His arms enveloped me, the scent of him I'd gotten so accustomed to from his cloak helping to calm my frazzled nerves. I bit out a half-laugh when he agreed with me. "You are correct. You are an idiot."

ooooo – ooooo- ooooo – ooooo – ooooo

Dere let out a sigh of relief as she sat at her desk, glad to have a moment alone after two weeks of being forced to remain in Loki's company. Also appreciative that it hadn't been overturned by some thug after the events at the ball.

Loki wasn't poor conversation but she only had the moments where she took to the bath to be alone and it was becoming increasingly more difficult to ignore when he would advance on her. In the past weeks of preparation she had been given a fair amount of peace from her paramour of deceit given it was his trial she worked on. But there were also times he grew bored of his reading and would torment her with comments or small motions of affection. If he remembered more he hadn't explained it beyond having recalled that Odin had stolen his memory when they were children after her powers had gone awry.

He continued to have nightmares.

He'd asked her if she lost her magic and she confirmed that her abilities were sealed as a method of protection. She was certain he must know more than he let on but she was wary to go asking questions given his reply would probably be to have her explain what had occurred even before the trial. It had been a never-ending game of cat and mouse - but today the trial would begin.

She was in her office before it started – it was common for her to spend such time alone doing any final preparations and practicing her opening statements. She'd convinced Thor to stand as her escort throughout the events as Loki had been loathe to let her out of his sight at all. He had grown more paranoid as to the plot he predicted around him by the day. The past few days he hadn't let her leave his room even with him for fear someone would make a move. Now however the day had finally arrived. The trial would begin soon – and go for several days from what she could predict.

She was more than certain she'd put a good enough case together to get him leniency on an eternal sentence, and possibly even a reinstatement of his position. She wouldn't hold her breath on that however. It was very clear both king and country held little love for Loki. Thor being willing to stand on his behalf after the long explanations she'd already given the older of the brothers was going to help more than Loki knew or would like but he could suck up that part of his defense.

Her nerves were shot, but she was almost ready, and despite what happened she'd done what she could to pay back the horrible treachery she'd inflicted on him centuries before. She closed her eyes, going over her case notes or her planned opening wouldn't do her anymore good than it already had – if she didn't know it after the way she'd poured over it the past month then she'd never remember. Taking a moment to try and relax however? That felt like the wisest thing in the world since she was about to go stand out in front of almost the entirety of Asgard as well as many other allied nations and defend a creature they wanted to have kept in chains.

She didn't care what the rest of them thought of her, it wasn't their opinions she had to live with when she attempted to calm her mind for rest every night. She had to do this for her own conscience to have any chance of ever being clear again. She wasn't calm when the knock came on the door that meant she would be escorted to the throne room but she was determined. Dere offered a small smile in return to the reassurance one Thor was attempting to give her and started to lead her toward the event with a small group of guards he'd picked himself. It was a reminder that there was good reason Loki had hidden her away the past weeks.

When she entered the main throne room she realized there was a throng of citizens of Asgard there and waiting to see the proceedings. Many began to boo and hiss at her – sentiments she only heard redouble in effort when Loki was brought out shortly after herself. He offered them a smile where she retained a neutral expression. It was a hint of what her life would be life on Asgard should she fail to convince Odin to alter Loki's charge. Silence didn't come until the all-father hit the butt of his staff on the ground, the sound reverberating even into outer balconies where people likely only had others to pass on what was happening around the corner.

It had to do with what would come of the entire royal family – no wonder so many people were in attendance.

"We have gathered in open court at the request of our citizens to see a trial as well as a list of crimes to be brought before us involving Loki Laufeyson." Odin spoke first, his choice of last name a clear indication that he did not seem to be willing to forgive Loki at all. Dere felt a small bit of anger but pushed it away – she couldn't afford to be emotional now. There was too much at stake. "Lady Aislinn of Alfheim has volunteered to speak in Loki's defense and will begin now. Please give us your opening remarks."

She nodded, but the pressure made a small lump rise in her throat. She'd never been present with this many people in a crowd so speaking in front of them was not going to be as easy as she hoped. A whisper in her ear pressed her forward. "Come then elf, do your job."

Unsure if Loki was invisible near her or just crafting a spell to make the message she still pressed forward – she could hardly stop here. "Right..."

Her voice was louder than expected, a spell in place to make her voice heard to many – as Odin's would be...and all the guests. She shook her head to recover from the slight surprise – snickering was already happening in the crowd.

"I've come here of my own violation to defend our Prince, Loki Odinson." She opened with the defiant statement and many people snickering were silenced. "I have come to learn in my research of his life that there are many ways in which he has never been treated equally. That, in fact, his adopted parents own attempts to protect him are what inevitably lead to his fall from grace. Loki has not always been perfect, as none of us are, and while he has a history of mischief it was the miscalculations and mistreatment of his youth that brought him to his present situation. My goal is to see him gain a punishment that fits the crime, as opposed to having a different set of rules than his brother possessed. I feel that by the time this trial is over that those listening will begin to understand and see how he's been abused for many years. That is all, thank you."

No applauds, she would get no cheers or adoration for defending what the common folk considered a villain. Doing the right thing was rarely a path the masses could actually understand or appreciate. The only reason they weren't jeering at her or throwing things is because they knew Odin would never allow it at such a serious affair.

"Then we will hear the offense's opening remarks." Odin answered after allowing the silence to settle for a while. He wanted to dishearten her – but it was having the opposite effect. The more everyone else seemed intent to hate Loki the more her soul fixed itself in her purpose. He gestured at the other half of the room, where a second set of chairs had been set up for the offense in this case. It was an older man, a dark elf that long stood as one of Odin's personal advisor's after having been allowed mercy despite the death of many dark elves ages before. Algrim, she'd met him several times in her work in the libraries and actually respected him but today wasn't the time for such thoughts. He was currently her enemy and she knew he wouldn't give her a moment to breath if he was as good as she believed.

"The state has little reason to give such silly remarks any view but the all-father has decided to be gracious in his reply to a few scant requests for a trial. His mercy truly knows no bounds as we will prove the many attempts by which Loki meant to steal the throne. Then after that prove that Loki has not only attempted to kill the all-father but repeatedly committed treason against Asgard and it's peoples. That is all we need say at this time." The dark elf spoke with a refined distaste that only served to rile the crowd already stacked against Loki. Many called out names and labels, none of which were kind, screaming for a while before Odin brought the room to order with another slam of his staff.

"You will present evidence for the defense of Loki." Odin chose not to add a last name this time, apparently now considering keeping somewhat of a neutral stance. Dere was a little terrified but she cleared her throat and continued.

While she spoke Loki scanned the crowd, considering possible threats, he'd read and heard the defense prior to this and she knew what she was doing. If Odin ever planned for a fair and honest trial to be an option then he would accept her efforts. Loki was more concerned someone would try to harm her while he was far from her. Thor was capable with his hammer but far from perfect – more than a few of them had been injured on the trip to Jotunheim before his exile after all.

The people were having mixed reactions – for some of them this was probably the first time they'd ever heard a lot of what had gone on in the palace. Others seemed ready to hate him no matter what came from Dere, and many continued to call out names and other threats or insults. If it got too loud Odin would interfere but overall he allowed much of the abuse to continue. Frigga wasn't far off, she was looking at them, a bit of pity in her own eyes. How little had she even known of the history of discussions between himself and his father?

In the end, he was only vaguely interested in the current part of the trial, he was more concerned with keeping Dere safe to finish it. She was only starting to touch on a few of her plans. He closed his eyes a moment after Algrim (the dark elf) began to dissect her words – though not easily which was a good sign. Algrim had worked in the palace since before the birth of Thor – so despite being millenia her elder she was holding her ground as they went back and forth on small details and things that most of the crowd should find incredibly dull. It was clear many didn't understand some of the quotes to ancient laws and practices – most average citizens probably wouldn't come back after today's proceeding's and instead wait for just the sentence. Some of the obscure laws they quoted he was only familiar with because Dere had discussed it with him in such detail the past two weeks. They were still going over testimonies, there wouldn't be witnesses as to his behavior called today – this was just getting things started.

He somewhat wished he didn't have to attend like all the rest – even though he understood what was happening he wasn't anymore interested than they were to listen to the discussion. He was fairly certain Odin had begun to drift a few times – maybe he'd learned to sleep with his eye open through this sort of meeting. Eventually his eyes drifted over Dere and he found himself admiring her tenacity in the conversation. She'd normally defer to her superiors, but now she wasn't backing down in anything – she was right there and not giving Algrim any moments to recover.

Authoritative, shrewd, well-informed – and at least giving the image of being experienced despite her lack of history in a court. Dere was captivating, and once he began really watching her he realized how strongly she felt – her expressions more obvious as she spoke of what happened. Subdued since she was here at court but he could see them clearly enough after their many weeks together.

He blinked and glanced away, picking up a glass of water, murmuring to himself a moment to see if poison lay in the container before he took a sip. What was he doing staring at her for so long a time? She was his councilor but what more than that was she becoming?

His head ached, it was common now – at this stage in the process of recovering his memories he suffered migraines from time to time. Usually shortly before or after he managed to recall some new scene – but now was hardly a convenient time to waltz memory lane. He had as equal a likelihood of recalling scenes from his time beyond the void as he did the years of his youth. The last thing he wanted was to fall apart in front of the entire court. He tried to focus again on what was being said, noticing his mother looking at him with concern from the corner of his eye – she realized something was amiss if no one else did.

"That will be enough for today." Odin spoke for one of very few times since the event had started – had it really been this long already? "We will break now until tomorrow, it will give me time to consider all that has been brought to the attention of the court so far. Dismissed councilors."

Algrim looked annoyed – clearly he had something else in mind to say before Odin had paused the day somewhat abrubtly. Loki stood when prompted by the guards, catching the look of concern on Dere's face as well – what was all the fuss about? He had a headache, he hadn't gone screaming about it or acting on it. Following them to the holding area where he would be kept until the crowds had cleared.

It wasn't until he sat, and noticed himself in a mirror that he realized the problem. His flesh was rippling – altering between waves of blue jotun and pale aesir. Neither form taking the forfront – he scowled at the image, holding a palm to his forehead.

"Have them fetch me a healer." Loki managed in a steady voice though the noise only heightened the uncomfortable pounding of his skull. A good thing his father had called the trial now or he might have not lasted though the event. He knew regaining his memories would be somewhat painful but this was as though someone had poured molten lead into his mind and it couldn't escape.

"Loki, are you all right?" Frigga's voice might have been comforting if she wasn't screaming.

"He is probably acting." Odin's voice this time. "Doing what he can to justify this farce."

Loki wanted to make a biting retort but all that came up was his breakfast, he at least managed to move his head to get the floor next to him and not his own lap. Illness was almost non-existant here on Asgard so he assumed it was the treatments for his memory.

"Loki." Still extremely loud the next voice was more welcome. He raised his head, moving a hand to wipe a line of spit from his jaw with his sleeve. There were two of Dere – not at all a good sign.

"I appear to be unwell, but perhaps I'm just crafting a..." His mockery of Odin was interrupted. What hadn't already escaped his gut did so now. The pain was still getting worse in his head – as if his skull might split to let go of the pressure. "...story..."

"He might be a trickster but this is unlike him, and you know that." Frigga was the one to speak on his behalf – as she'd always been. "He is ill because he demanded treatment to save his memory, they're trying to come back but the spells placed to remove them are battling each other."

"You knew better than to give him that form of magic to medicate him." Odin retorted, seeming concerned for the first time with the new knowledge.

"Could you all stop screaming?" Loki panted, rubbing his eyes in hopes he might clear the doubles he was seeing. "If you must argue with each other, do it outside. Aren't parents not suppose to argue in front of their children?"

Not that he ever wanted to claim to be Odin's child, but if it might get them to leave and stop making so much noise for a while then maybe he would be all right.

"I'll take care of him." He heard Dere reassuring just as loudly, probably his mother. At least the pair of them left but not before yelling all the way out the door. "Why is everyone shouting at the top of their lungs like drunken brutes at a party?"

"I'm not yelling Loki." Her voice wasn't as loud as before but it was still painful. He glanced at the pair of Dere's and elected to close his eyes again. "I'll try to whisper. Your brain is overloaded fighting over what it should do because of the enchantments within. We'll need to get you somewhere cold...it'll help with the effects."

"Stop..." Loki failed to grab the correct Dere's hand but she took it after a moment and his grip tightened a little. "It's painful but I want you here, and it's not safe to leave before people have been escorted out."

"No, I'll be fine, you need..."

Loki pulled her down into his lap, pausing her words as he knew it would...

"As much as I normally enjoy your voice Dere, please shut up." Loki settled his head on her shoulder, rolling his forehead over the metal shoulder blade she was forced to wear for the ceremony. She was right that the cold felt wonderful.

"Loki, you're burning up, if you don't cool down you could be seriously injured." Dere attempted to reason, the vulnerability entering her voice as it always did when he came onto her. It wasn't his intention here but it still vaguely amused him. She'd been a pillar of strength all day and him pulling her into his lap had her melting into uncertainty.

"If we leave you could be injured, I'm not all right with that. As you adeptly pointed out in the past, I am far tougher than any average citizen of Asgard. I can suffer until the crowds are cleared." Loki remarked, not considering how foolish he must look continuing to rub his face in relief on her armor.

"Loki, that could be hours." Dere still always tried to reason with him. Unlike all the rest her momentary sighs or frustrations were never overly serious. She actually didn't mind him a lot of time, what an alien concept, someone that accepted him even with his faults.

"Long as you stay here I'll be fine." He answered, opening his eyes to look at her, sated momentarily on the cool he got on his face. If he hadn't just vomited everywhere he might have kissed her...as it was he assumed he probably didn't exactly come off as sexy.

"You're an idiot Loki Odinson." Dere remarked, and even though she insulted him he knew she didn't mean it. She never meant anything negative about him...

"Perhaps I am..." He admitted, staring in confusion as she reached behind her back to start unzipping her dress. "Have I started to hallucinate?"

"Depends, what are you seeing?" She asked, moving her hands to her lower back to begin to untie her corset piercing. His brow furrowed at her.

"Well, I think you just started to undress and take apart your..."

The cool erupted into the room a moment later and his brows shot up instead, even in his muddled state it all suddenly came together. He grasped at her hands, pausing her before she could undo anymore of the ribbon at her back. Was she trying to get herself killed?

End Chapter

And, while I gave a really (really) big hint at the end there. I'm always up for any guesses on what people think it means. (I've dropped a few hints over the chapters XD). Anyway. Yay, I liked the last half of this chapter! Back on track maybe?

-Aura

To my reviewers: