Day 14

I've been writing in this journal for 2 weeks now. Has it gotten easier? Yes. Yes it has. Do I like it? It's calming, I'll admit to that. Especially when I wake up before the sun to try and get some things done around this place, and that just makes me feel like a middle aged woman. Living with a three year old and Naruto isn't particularly easy. Sometimes I don't even know which one of them is worse; the toddler running around with paint on her hands and crayons sticking out of her hair or Naruto following in the exact same condition. My poor home never stood a chance. I now have seven murals hand painted, three of just hand prints, covering my bedroom and living room. There are also dolls beside my bathtub. Kids like to play with them. So we got her a couple.

Besides wanting to occasionally gnaw my ears off, or dismember a certain hyperactive blonde, it's nice, having someone else here. I've been on my own for a while. Sure, people were there, but they didn't mean anything to me. They weren't really with me, does that make sense? Ah hell, I gave up making sense around day seven, when I was deliriously loopy off of medication.

Sometimes I miss that bliss. That wonderful sensation of knowing that there's no one else in the world who relies on you, when you're totally on your own, and you're only looking out for yourself. Back when I loved being alone. Back when I was still sure of who I was.

Now it's different. Now I'm different. I don't know how to explain it… it just is. Or I just am. Something's changed. Was it me? Have I changed? Hell yes. Is it a bad change? Let's see. I feel strongly for my best friend, another guy, and I'm taking care of a bastard child because I felt pity for her, and afore mentioned bastard child and best friend are now living with me. Is this a bad change? If someone has an answer, please tell my sanity if you see it, because I'm fairly sure I lost it somewhere in the negotiations for me coming back to this hellhole of a village.

In the morning, shortly after I woke up, around the time the sun is actually up in the sky, Kiku crawled out of the bed she shares with Naruto. (If she sleeps alone she has nightmares and honestly, me cuddling a toddler to comfort her? You've been reading too many bad fanfics.) Naruto sleeps as long as he possibly can, just like always, and he lasted another half hour before I needed him to get Kiku ready. Kiku helped me with some chores, like picking up make-shift toys and dishes. She wanted help me make breakfast, although she ended up making more of a mess. This morning she knocked over a bag of flour then made 'snow-angels' on the floor, apologizing to me as she spread her arms up and down all over the mess.

Eventually, Naruto got up, and then Kiku got a bath, and turned back to her normal health tan instead of a flour-induced ghost white. Today was the first time she went off to her daycare. It starts at about ten and lasts until around three-thirty, thank the education system. I took and dropped her off, much to the surprise of almost everyone there. When I came home, Naruto was passed out asleep on the floor, looking so damn pathetic it was adorable… his hair floating around his head… flattened to one side on the ground, that idiot… with the same goofy, innocent look kids get when they sleep…

So I didn't bug him. I just grabbed a blanket and tossed it over him, so he wouldn't freeze to death and leave me the only one who could explain to Shikamaru how I ended up with Kiku. Yeah. That explanation would go over perfectly with Naruto, it was even half true. He'd take it at face value. He wouldn't ever need to know that I just wanted the excuse to help him. That he was just lying there, sprawled across my floor, in such a way that made something like my internal organs turn to writhing snakes. He didn't need to know that I cared about his health or well-being. He didn't need to know any of that.

I thought I was supposed to be trying to get over him. But instead, here, he's always with me. So then I thought, shouldn't that make me happy? Having him here? If so… then why do I feel so miserable… God, how I wish I could make him smile more. I wish it was me who made him laugh. I wish it was me he could be happy with. I wish he could just…stay.

As you can tell…living with Naruto hasn't helped me much. Now not only is he in my head constantly, he's in my home. Seeing how well he does with Kiku… it makes me want to smile, the way he holds her hand, the way they both giggle evilly, the way she follows him around like a lost little puppy, the way he lets her sneak up and jump on him, acting surprised. And I can just tell, he's going to be the perfect father some day. I just know he'll be great with his own kids. I can almost see them, a bunch of sun-haired, sky-eyed, grinning little monsters climbing over him like a jungle gym, with some girl like Sakura beaming in the background, about to pop out another one.

I've had dreams about that. Almost every night since the wedding dream, I've seen it. His life, his future life, his dreams, all coming true, without me. All of the time, like that first night, he's with Sakura. Every scenario of his life, played out, without me. I'm always in the background, watching him live out this wonderful dream life. The life he deserves. Him as an Anbu, a Jounin, a sensei to some damn lucky kids, him becoming Hokage someday. Because I believe he will. He always gets what he sets out for. Once he's Hokage, he'll get Sakura, just like he always wanted, and their little blonde copies will run all around that mansion. But then, there's me, standing out front, alone, friendless, always by myself, my previous dream come true. I used to love being alone. I used to live for lonely, when I was the only one I could trust.

But then I met Kiku. And for the first time in a long time, I remembered what it was like to be a part of a family. And now I know. I couldn't be alone. Not knowing how this feels, how it feels to be cared about, how it feels for someone to need you. How it feels to need someone there when you're alone. I know what it's like to be lonely. And I know what it's like not to be lonely.

I'd forgotten.

Those dreams terrify me so much because I know that there's no one else. I know that for me, there's only one. Only one person who I could be with. Only one person I could ever trust enough to stay with me. Only one person I've cared about since the beginning, the only person who believed in me for so long, when everyone else had given up hope. Only one person with the stupidest grin and the most annoying laugh. Only one idiot who I could never stand, who I still can't stand. Only one rival I've grown up wanting to best in competition, the best friend I've ever had.

The one person who has never given up on me. The one person who's never treated me special, or different. The one person who can see past everything I do to isolate myself, the one person who knows me for who I actually am. Only that one, loud, obnoxious bastard that's always seen the good in me, even when I was positive it didn't exist.

For me, there's only one. For me, there's only him.

I will never feel this way about anyone else.

Because it's only him.

Only Naruto.

That can make me feel this way.

A.N

Hey guys, Chi here, for your chapterly dosage of disclaimers! I don't own Naruto, Misashi Kishimoto does, lucky… I do own Kiku and the inner Sasuke. At least the one I show. So, here's chapter 14, two weeks in, and yet, he still doesn't get it.

I want to take this time and space to thank everyone that has read this story, if you've been here sense the beginning or if you're jumping in now. Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, it makes me very happy to get the positive feedback. You guys are all amazing!

So, please, read (if you've made it this far I hope you've read), review, and enjoy!

~Chi