Part one of two. 1/2
100 reviews???? That has never happened before, except for the on the WWE-ficlets, and that one has 101 chapters, so... Thanks so much strangahs!!!!!!!!
I should be updating something else, but this is the only thing I'm inspired for these days. ARGH!
Warnings: LONG author's note. Slash in a very odd way. Crackfic extraordinaire. Lots of special guests. Sexual references???? OH LORD. Don't say I didn't warn you!!!!!
Thanks to... michaellover, CarrieChaos, Ultimolu, Zombiegirl2007, Ezmy, ??? (Where have you been, oh great, grand, mystery?), resident evil fangirl, wolfgirl16 (Time for you to update soon too, aye? ;) ), The Famous Fire Lady M (What's the M stand for anyway?), Electric Eclectic (# 100 xD), slouchingtyger (Ohai, strangah!), Ten ways to spoil dinner and Black the Ripper for reviewing! (Wow...)
Inspired by 3 things;
1. Someone, I think more than one someone actually, suggested weddings. I thought 'why not'?
2. Arbiterai Knight has this fic with a wedding, and it's very... Dear Lord, I don't even have a word for it!
3. Someone mentioned dr. Salvador out of the blue. Oh no wait, I killed him yesterday. I think. He left me a ruby. (Nice, neh?)
Guest starring:
Part of the RE4 cast, like Luis, Saddler, Mendez, Leon, Ashley and eh, the Salvadors.
Please loves, enjoy!!!!
Wesker has a way with Weddings...
"I do not wish to go to a... wedding." Wesker sighed and stared at the invitation, a mispleased look washing over his face. It appeared two people were getting married, and they wanted him, Wesker out of all people, to attend the party aswell. "I dislike weddings, they suggest that love actually exists."
HUNK rolled his eyes in annoyance, though invisible because of his fashionable gasmask, goggles and helmet. "Sir, showing up might be good for your reputation."
"Reputation? And I care about my reputation since...?" Wesker raised his eyebrows. "I didn't even know I had one in the first place."
"Your rep as a bad-ass, dude." Krauser joined the conversation. "Go do something stupid and swoosh, they hate you even more."
Wesker glanced at Krauser before taking a look at the invitation again. It was off-white and had bloodstains on it. On the bottom there was a picture of two chainsaws, one big one and one smaller one, both 'wearing' bows. The text read 'Come before we saw your heads off on our honeymoon'.
Wesker sighed again. "Perhaps we should go, it's not like we have a lot to do right now anyway."
So there they went, in Krauser's gigantic TVR Tuscan, off to the wedding between two of the most hated people in the universe, Dr. Salvador and Super Salvador.
Armed with a handgun, shotgun, magnum, Chicago Typewriter, knife, TMP and baseballbat, and HUNK obviously with Matilda, they entered the hall where the party was going on. Drawing a lot of attention because of their appearances, they decided to hide in a corner until the people around started to focus on eachother again.
"That's a lot of people." HUNK pointed out the obvious. "I think I might not have enough ammo if there's need for it."
Wesker shrugged. "That's okay, I can jump really high."
"How's that going to help me?"
HUNK's question was left unanswered as someone approached them. Someone very familiar. Someone that made Krauser grab his TMP, just in case...
"Well hi! It's been a while!" Osmund Saddler joined the jolly little bastards and made an attempt to hug Krauser. "How have you been?"
"Killing here, smoking weed there, trying to forget about everything that happened back in Spain, which wasn't really Spain, but since they spoke Spanish I will still call it Spain."
"A-ha-ha-ha-ha." Osmund laughed. "These are your buddies?" He glanced at Wesker. "Nice shades."
Wesker just grunted, annoyed by the large hippie and his sarcastic voice. A bit bored he stalked off in order to find some better company. He started to walk around and found out this odd couple had invited even stranger guests. Luis Sera for example, who was supposed to be dead already. And Salazar, who was very easy to miss if you didn't look at the ground every now and then. And then there was this dude with a bandana, who he had never seen before. Oh, and Nemesis...
Wesker stopped in his tracks when he caught a glimpse of the tyrant. "Well I'll be damned..." He walked up to the coolest tyrant in the universe to engage in some conversation.
"S.T.A.R.S." The tyrant pointed his rocket launcher at Wesker since Wesker too had been a member of the deranged special forces.
"No, not anymore..." Wesker shook his head in annoyance. "What brings you here?"
"CAKE." Nemesis replied with his awesome voice of doom.
"Yeah, me too..." Seeing this wasn't going anywhere, Wesker stalked off once again, in hopes of finding someone or something to exterminate. Soon enough he stumbled upon, or rather tripped over, Ashley and Leon.
"Kennedy..." Wesker slowly muttered. "It's time."
Leon Sleepsalot Kennedy was on the ground, groping his wife Ashley in a way that should never be made public, no matter what happens. With his hand still creeping up Ashley's skirt - you read it right, skirt, not shirt - Leon looked around to see Wesker standing there. "Huh, you're Wesker, right? Thanks for not killing Claire that one day..."
Ashley slapped Leon across the face. "Do not mention any other ladies when your hand is touching my lady-parts!"
"Oh, sorry hon..." Leon turned his attention back to his wife and did some more inexcusable things, making Ashley moan like a regenerator on a rampage. But before Leon could finish his eh... handy work, I suppose, Wesker kicked him so hard, Leon flew several yards before landing on the ground with a loud thud.
Yes, indeed, he did go through a wall.
"Damn you, mr. Shades..." Ashley looked angry now. "I wasn't done yet!"
Wesker took a step back when Ashley's own hand disappeared into her skirt, wanting to finish whatever Leon had started, and he was just in time to see everyone else sit down on the chairs. It appeared the ceremony was about to get started.
Wesker too sat down, next to that man with the bandana, and watched awestruck as Dr. Salvador appeared in a long, red dress, apparantly stolen from Ms. Ada Wong. Dancing to the beat of Iron Maiden's 'Fear of the Dark' - played by a bunch of Iron Maidens if I might add - Dr. Salvador went up to the altar, where his lover, Super Salvador, was already waiting.
"We are here..." The ceremony was led by Mr. Mendez, by the way, "to do this thing..." Mendez scratched the back of his head. "Where these dudes wear rings."
Super Salvador revved up his double-bladed chainsaw, which made Wesker grab his magnum in fear.
"Rings mean... That they aren't... Square-shaped, I suppose." Mendez frowned. "Which is good, 'cause their fingers aren't square either."
There were a few giggles here and there, mainly coming from Luis and Salazar who were playing checkers on a chessboard.
"The point is, they want to be... bonded." Mendez started searching his insane amount of pockets to find the piece of paper he wrote his speech on. "Oh look, here it is..." He scratched his throat and started to say things he thought were appropriate.
Wesker looked to his side when HUNK sat down next to him, still in his ever-so-sexy HUNKish outfit, meaning you couldn't even see his hands. Wesker smirked and was happy he wasn't alone anymore. That dude in the purple bandana had not said anything yet, and Wesker figured he wasn't going to either.
"We are gathered here, in this big hall, to celebrate the holy onion of..."
Laughs here and there, this time coming from everyone.
Mendez frowned violently and realised his spelling-error. "I meant to say UNION, for the love of..."
"Wesker!" Wesker suddenly exclaimed.
"Wait, what?" Mendez was now staring at the cute blond next to, you guessed it, Mr. Merchant.
"For the love of Wesker, I say you get used to it right now, because soon the right to be God will be mine..." Wesker explained himself loud and clear.
"Okay, I will." Mendez grunted. "For the love of G...Wesker, I lost it again!" He sighed deeply. "We will start over."
The Salvadors were getting impatient, and Dr. Salvador started to rev his chainsaw aswell. So Mendez did what was healthy, he continued with the speed of light.
"We are here to celebrate the holy union of two Salvador's who found eachother on a party at Salazar's Castle. They love eachother so much, they want to wear rings to show everyone they belong to one and other... And then they want to go to America to take over the planet."
Super Salvador started to yell at Mendez.
"Oh!" Mendez sighed. "I was not allowed to say that." He rolled his eye - Leon used the other one to open a door, remember? - "Listen, they want to get married, hence the dress, people and rings. So let's do this the simple way, shall we?" With that he meant the Los Ganados way, by the way.
Mendez placed his one hand on Doctor's head, and the other on Super's head. He yelled something inexplainable in a non-existing language and suddenly the two Salvador's started to hover above the ground.
Krauser by that time had started firing his TMP but stopped when he was out of ammo, nobody had gotten hurt hurt in the process.
The hall was suddenly filled with a brilliant glow, mostly because a garrador was playing with the lighting, and then all went dark. The only thing one could still see were Wesker's eyes, which were glowing eerily in the pitchdark space. He had taken off his sunglasses to clean them a little.
Then the lights went back on and everyone was visible again, even Leon who had decided to come back.
"Sooooo, what just happened?" Wesker asked with a frown.
"Got no idea, strangah, but that sure was stupid." Came the voice from Mr. Merchant next to Wesker. "I know one thing, if ya wanna marry a gun, ya don't have to go through all this stuff."
"Who would marry a gun?" Wesker tilted his head for no reason at all, probably to seem intelligent.
"That strangah with the mask, who else?"
Wesker turned to stare at HUNK, who was looking cool, calm and collected. "Seriously sir, why do you think she's named Matilda in the first place?"
Wesker just mumbled something and suddenly felt the urge to walk away. This reminded him too much of being high, an experience he wanted to forget about ever since he saw Jack in a leather skirt.
But not all hope was lost, since the ceremony was about to come to an end...
"So now for the official shit... Doctor Salvador, do you take Super Salvador to be your awfully wedded Salvador, in sickness and in health, for better and for worse, until death, once again, do you part?" Mendez asked.
"I do." Came a raspy voice from underneath the bag.
Mendez nodded. "And Super Salvador, do you take Doctor Salvador to be your awfully wedded Salvador, even when he's sick, poor, annoying and sleeping with the Bella Sisters?"
"YES PLEASE!" Super Salvador exclaimed loudly.
"Then I now pronounce you Mr. and Mr. Salvador, like you always were in the first place..." Mendez sighed with relief, knowing the ceremony was almost over. "You may kiss the Salvador."
Two burlap bags were removed from two chainsaw-wielding maniacs as they intended to kiss eachother. Ashley, half expecting to see something horrific, was pleasantly surprised to see Super Salvador looked like Johnny Depp on steroids and Doctor Salvador looked like Dr. George Clooney. Immedietly she summoned Leon for more handy work.
The Salvadors kissed and after El Gigante brought them the rings, they decided it was time to party. But not before sawing Salazar's head off to celebrate their holy bonding.
"May God approve of your holy bonding, and may you see many happy things in life, and may you raise some strong, demented children..." Were Mendez's last words.
Wesker, seeing this as his cue, stood up. "Wesker approves indeed!"
Then everyone got up from their seats and started to party like there was no tomorrow. But perhaps it would be better to get into that next time, as my time is limited and I have several things to take care of right now.
So let's just say, for once...
To Be Continued!
I think this story needs a total of 20 chapters. That´ll give me time to do part 2 of the wedding, a second ´Wesker owns a chatbox filled with WEIRDOS´ and perhaps 2 or 3 more random words, one being Whiskey indeed! Message me if you want anything special. You know, special appearances and so on...
Reviews are still, after all these chapters full of crack, greatly appreciated indeed!
(Because once you start hating this fic I might as well stop writing it -_-')