Lou watched as Kid went into the barn. She knew he was alone. Buck was long gone on his run to Fort Kearny and the other boys were in town with Teaspoon shooting the breeze in his office or off to the saloon to watch the poker games. He left Kid in charge of the station while they were out.
Lou still didn't know what she wanted to do, but she felt it was time she told Kid the truth. If he loved her he would understand and give her the time she needed, she hoped. She knew it would hurt him and he might even leave her, but she knew she couldn't keep it from him any longer.
"Hey, Kid," she said to him upon entering the barn.
"Hey, Lou, what's up?" he asked giving her an easy smile. He was busy sorting some tack that needed repairs.
"I was wondering if you had time to talk," she said hesitating a little.
"I always have time to talk to you Lou. What's on your mind?" he asked his smiled fading slightly.
"I was just thinking about the cave. I need to tell you what happened in there." Her voice was barely audible. She was trying hard not to lose her nerve. Kid was being so sweet lately and she hated that what she was going to say was going to hurt him.
Kid stopped everything he was doing. He could tell by her fidgeting that what she wanted to say was weighing heavy on her heart and soul. He gave her his undivided attention. He took her hand and led her over to a bale of hay and they sat down together. Kid put his arm lovingly around her.
"Were you scared?" he asked after several minutes of silence.
"Of dying, yes. We were out of food, out of water, and nearly out of air. I didn't think I'd ever see the outside world again. I didn't think I'd see you again." Her eyes were starting to well up. She didn't want to cry, but she couldn't help it.
"It's over now, Lou. You're safe," he said hugging her tightly lightly kissing the top of her head. "I'm so glad we found you in time."
Lou buried her head into Kid's shoulder. "Sometimes I'm not, Kid."
"What do you mean, Lou?" he asked moving her away from him so he could look her in the eye.
Lou bit her lip to keep herself from completely breaking down, but she could feel the tears fall from her eyes. "Something happened in that cave between me and Buck."
"Did he hurt you? Lou, if he hurt you, I'll kill him," he said standing up -his concern turning to anger.
"He didn't hurt me, Kid," she said quickly, "Buck would never do that."
"Lou?" he asked weakly. He started to pale and his eyes became glassy.
She closed her eyes letting fresh tears fall. She had to get this out. It was poison to her soul keeping this secret from him. "Something happened between us that I can't take back -I don't want to take back. It was a decision we made because we didn't think we would live to face the consequences."
"Oh God, Lou, you and Buck?" He walked over to Katy's stall and faced away from her. He couldn't look at her. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked as a couple of tears rolled down his face.
"You deserved to know the truth before we got married," she sobbed. "I didn't want to start our lives together with a lie."
"You still want to marry me?" he asked quietly.
"I think so, I don't know." She didn't want to make any drastic decisions right now. She wasn't ready for him to leave her life.
Kid didn't like the indecision in her voice, it scared him. He could feel the blood rush to his ears and his mind was racing.
"You and Buck, is it over?" he asked as his voice cracked.
"I don't know," she whispered.
"What do you mean 'you don't know,' Lou? Either it is or it isn't."
"The cave, that place, feeling like we were going to die, it stirred up feelings I haven't been able to sort out completely. I don't know if it's cold feet or if there's something real. I can't just forget what happened or pretend it didn't mean anything to me."
"It's not over with Buck, is it?" Kid asked putting his hand to his forehead and looking to the ceiling.
"No, I was with him yesterday," she admitted. "We went for a ride to talk."
"But you didn't just talk, did you?" he demanded
She shook her head she couldn't look at him.
"God, Lou, are you in love with him?" Kid asked not wanting to know the answer if it was yes.
"No, yes, maybe, I don't know," Lou whispered.
"What about me, Lou?" he asked trying to control his emotions. "Where do I fit in with all this?"
"I don't know," she sobbed. "I love you Kid, so much. I'm just so confused about my feelings. I don't know what I want anymore. I just need some time to figure it out."
Kid took Lou in his arms and kissed her hard on the mouth. Lou wanted to feel something magical and intoxicating, but the kiss was the same kiss she and Kid always shared. She loved Kid's kisses and it was a really passionate kiss. She could feel him trying to say more with it but she couldn't get herself to open herself up to it. It almost felt like a betrayal. The innocence she felt in the kisses she shared with Kid was gone though. She was even more confused now than when she came in the barn and she knew she needed to leave. She broke away from the kiss and ran from the barn tears streaming down her cheeks.
Lou ran and hid inside Rachel's house. Rachel gave her some space when Lou didn't want to be around the boys. Right now was one of those times. Lou didn't know what to do about Kid and Buck. She knew they couldn't go on like this forever. They couldn't go on like this for another day. She felt terrible for leaving both of them hanging while she figured out what she wanted. The pressure she felt she was under was terrible.
She looked down at the ring on her finger. It was a lie. When she took it, she promised her heart and soul to Kid. She promised to marry him and forsake all others. She couldn't do it. She needed to give the ring back. It didn't mean she didn't still have feelings for him, but it did mean that she couldn't marry him -at least not when they planned to have the wedding. She should have given the ring back in the barn when she was telling Kid what happened in the cave. That would have been right. Instead she may have mistakenly let him believe that her feelings for Buck were fleeting and they were not. She knew that when he asked if it was over between her and Buck. The thought of never being held or kissed by Buck again saddened her. She wanted to feel his touch again.
But…she looked at the ring again. When she said yes to Kid, she had meant it with her whole heart. The day Kid had asked her to marry him was the happiest day of her life. She had finally come to understand how her independence and a partnership with Kid could work. She was hopeful and happy. She really felt like the two of them could take on the world and win. She and Kid made love and it was so nice and tender. They had become one that afternoon and it was special. That wasn't a lie. But everything had changed so much. She had messed it up. She should have listened to Buck. He knew Teaspoon and Kid would find them. She knew that he didn't know for sure, he hoped they would find them, but he was still right.
Then the cave happened and changed everything. She wasn't angry about that. It was a night that she would never forget. Everything about that night was full of emotion and love. She may have never known that kind of love if it hadn't been for that cave. The only thing she wished is that she wasn't hurting so many people. She didn't know how they would all be okay again. She didn't even know if they'd all be ok again. She didn't want to drive anyone away and yet she didn't know how they could all live here in peace. Maybe she should be the one to go. She could go visit Emma again or find another place to be. She knew she couldn't let Kid or Buck leave. She created this situation and she would have to fix it.
She loved them both and it was tearing her and them apart. This wasn't fair.
Teaspoon came back to a quiet station and wondered where everyone was. He walked into the barn and saw Kid standing next to Katy's stall looking a curry brush like it was the first time he'd seen one.
"Kid, you okay?" Teaspoon asked the sullen rider.
"Would you be okay, Teaspoon," Kid asked sadly, "If your fiancé betrayed you with one of your best friends?"
"No, I s'pose not," Teaspoon said putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"You knew, didn't you?" Kid asked bitterly.
"Just figured it out recently myself," Teaspoon said trying to be neutral. "You want to talk about it?"
"I don't know, Teaspoon," Kid answered. "I love Lou so much and I don't want to lose her. I'm just so angry too. I don't know how I feel half the time."
"I know, sometimes, matters of the heart ain't so simple," Teaspoon said.
"Everything seems like it is out of my control," Kid observed. "It's almost like I have no say in how this plays out. Like I have to sit back and wait for Lou to figure it out."
"Kid the way I see it, all you can do is wait for her to decide what she wants," Teaspoon said, "Unless, of course, you take yourself out of the choices."
I don't think I can, Teaspoon," Kid said, "Does that make me weak?"
"No, Kid it doesn't," Teaspoon answered, "It makes you a man in love."
"How could they have done that, Teaspoon?" Kid said in frustration. "How could they have betrayed me that way?"
"Kid, I'm pretty sure neither of them set out to hurt you that night," Teaspoon said. "Ask yourself what you would have done if you and Buck were in each other's places."
"I don't know Teaspoon," Kid said, "I would hope I would have shown more self control then he did."
"Well, think of it this way," Teaspoon proposed, "What if they had died in there? Would you feel better knowing that they were a comfort to each other in their last moments?"
"I don't think so," Kid said.
"I'm sorry, Son," Teaspoon said.
Lou dried her eyes and looked out to the barn. She saw Teaspoon leave. It looked like he'd just had a tough conversation with someone and she figured Kid must still be in the barn. She swallowed hard and knew what she had to do.
Lou opened the barn door and saw Kid sitting on a hay bale with his head in his hands. She had done this. She broke his heart. She hadn't meant to, and she thought deep down he knew that. She looked at how sad he was and started to have second thoughts. She didn't want to hurt him more than she already had today. He would be clinging to the knowledge that Lou still wore his ring. That was giving him hope. But Lou knew the hope was a lie and she needed to do this. It was the right thing to do.
"Kid," Lou said softly, "I need to talk to you."
"Lou, I really can't right now," Kid said trying to keep Lou from seeing him cry.
Lou sat down next to him and started to rub his back. She couldn't just turn her feelings off for him.
"I'm so sorry, Kid," she said. "I need to give this back to you."
Lou held the ring that Kid had given her in her fingers.
"Please keep it," he said.
"I can't, not right now anyways," Lou said, "That wouldn't be fair to you. I know that I love you, but before I marry anyone I need to be absolutely sure and right now I'm not. I'm so sorry."
Kid took it from her and looked at it. Lou slowly got up and left the barn.
The rest of the week was torture for Kid. He could hardly look at Lou at meals or during chores. His only solace was that Buck was away on a run. He was sure Teaspoon had sent Buck on that run to ease the tension and make sure the two of them didn't get into a fight. Kid didn't hang around the station too much preferring to take up his free time in the saloon nursing sarsaparillas and watch poker games. After much hemming and hawing, Kid finally told Jimmy what was going on. Jimmy was understanding and decided to be a support system to Kid. They had bonded on the way to Emma and Sam's and Jimmy wanted to be there for his friend.
Jimmy didn't blame Buck like Kid did. Jimmy knew if he had been in Buck's boots he'd have done the same thing. He'd seen how tortured and upset both Buck and Lou had been since they rescued them from the cave and now he understood why. It looked to him like Teaspoon and Rachel had a handle on Buck and Lou, so he concentrated his own energies on Kid. Kid was his friend and he would stand by him and get him through this. Maybe he would take him on a little trip to James Creek. A change of scenery would do him good. Jimmy had told Alice he would only be gone two months at the most. He knew that wasn't going to be the case anymore and wanted to get word to her personally. His family was threatening to fall apart and he needed to help keep it together. He wanted to be with Alice so badly, but he knew she would understand and wait for him. He would need to start making regular trips to see her. That would be helpful for their relationship and keep him from missing her too much.
Kid kept a lookout for Buck. He wanted to talk to him, yell at him, hit him, hurt him, or maybe just ask why. They needed to clear the air. At twilight he saw the familiar dust cloud coming toward the station and knew Buck was home. As bad as it was with Lou around, Kid didn't know how things were going to go now that Buck was around too. He didn't know if he could stand being around the station while either of them was there. He thought maybe if he and Buck talked, he would be able to figure out what to do or maybe they could figure out an understanding. Kid leaned up against the back wall of the barn watching the stars begin to shine brighter. Kid heard the barn door open and the horse and rider walk in. This was his chance.
"It's about time you got back," Kid said harshly from the back doorway of the barn.
Buck looked up surprised and immediately realized Kid had been waiting for him to return.
"I'm not going to fight you, Kid," Buck said bracing for Kids reaction.
"And I'm not here to get into a fight with you, Buck," Kid stated. "We need to have a talk about Lou. I know what happened between the two of you."
"I'm sorry, Kid," Buck said looking at the ground, "I didn't mean for what happened in the cave to happen."
"I asked you to look after her, not sleep with her," Kid yelled angrily.
"I'm so sorry," Buck said backing away. "I don't know how else to say it." He'd never betrayed a friend before and didn't know what to do to make it better other than to apologize.
"I don't care if you're sorry, Buck," Kid shot back, "I just want you to stay away from her from now on."
"Don't you think I've tried," Buck said letting out his own frustration.
"I love her, Buck, doesn't that mean anything to you?" Kid asked raising his voice more.
"Of course it does," Buck replied. "I wish I could go back and change the past but I can't."
"Then change the future," Kid begged. "Bow out and let me have her."
"I tried to bow out," Buck said. "I tried to convince her that you were the better choice. She doesn't want me trying to make her decisions for her."
"Dammit, Buck, she was going to be my wife," Kid said and pounded his fist into a wall. His voice started to crack, "She was going to be my wife."
Kid leaned his head against the barn wall and tried to collect himself. He knew that if Lou wanted to spend time with Buck there was no way she would be dissuaded. He knew it because he knew her. Lou would never let them make her choice for her. He just couldn't help feeling her slip through his fingers.
"You hurt me, Buck," Kid said swallowing his tears, "I trusted you and you betrayed me."
"I'm sorry, Kid, I never meant to hurt you," Buck said choking back tears of his own.
"Do you love her?" Kid asked quietly.
"Yes," Buck said quietly back.
Kid felt defeated. It would easy to hate Buck if he didn't love her, but knowing that he loved her made him feel worse. He didn't have any other solutions to offer save one more.
"Why don't we just agree to stay out of each other's way for a while," Kid suggested, "Until we figure out how to deal with each other."
Buck nodded. He didn't fault Kid for any of this. This was a mess of his own making and Kid was a just a victim of his poor judgment.
"I'll sleep out here in the barn from now on," Buck offered and Kid nodded his appreciation.
Kid returned to the bunkhouse, walked over to the lantern, and started to turn the wick down.
"Wait, where's Buck?" Lou asked. "I saw him ride in. We should wait for him before turning the light out."
"He's sleeping in the barn, Lou," Kid said without expression. "It was his idea."
Kid gave the curious looks on the faces of the others an icy look and not even Cody wanted to make a comment. Jimmy understood and saw the pain that was etched into his friend's face.
Lou waited until she thought everyone was asleep and crept out of the bunkhouse. Kid watched her leave and felt a deep sadness come over him. Even though she wasn't ready to admit it, she had chosen who she wanted to be with. He didn't know how he was going to be able to let her go. Maybe she just got up to use the outhouse. He knew when she didn't come back that she went to the barn.
Lou opened the barn door and found the stall where Buck had set up a pallet of straw and blankets. He wasn't sleeping; he was just turned away and staring at the wall. Lou slid under the covers behind him and held him close. He rolled over and looked at her. She saw the sadness in his eyes and kissed him. She never wanted him to feel cast out. It wasn't fair for him to be out in the barn all alone.
"What are you doing here, Lou?" Buck asked after the kiss's conclusion.
"I came here for you," Lou said stroking his hair.
"Do you think that's a good idea?" Buck asked looking into her eyes.
"I don't know," she said. "It's just not fair for you to be out here. Everything's my fault and you are the one being punished."
"I'm okay," Buck said and took her in his arms as she snuggled in close.
"I gave Kid his ring back," she said.
"Are you alright?" Buck asked knowing that Lou's heart was broken.
"No," she said, "But I will be."
Buck kissed her head as he held her close. He didn't want to be alone and he was glad she came. He was afraid he was going to lose his family. There was so much tension and he didn't want the others to feel like they needed to take sides. The most important thing to Buck was that he and Lou not lose their friendship. If Lou and Kid got back together now, there was no way Kid would ever let him be near Lou again. They had been good friends before the cave and he hoped they still would be now and forever no matter what Lou decided. He just didn't know if that would be possible anymore. Buck held Lou until she fell asleep and then allowed himself to try to sleep too.