I am sorry for not updating in a while. I needed to catch up on my school work.
Bella sat with her legs crossed and stared out the into the horizon. She was sitting on the roof wondering why this had to be so difficult. She'd just looked in the mirror to discover her eyes were violent red once again. She'd felt like she'd just begun to make some progress with her eyes and this happened.
She could sense Emmett approaching her and didn't bother looking over at him.
He just sat beside her and stared out with her.
"What are you looking at?" Emmett asked, watching Bella's expression.
Bella shook her head, not really sure how to respond because she wasn't really looking at anything in particular. She was just thinking; trying to catch a moment alone with her thoughts.
"I'm sorry about Charlie," Emmett whispered taking Bella's hand. "But you do know it wasn't your fault, right?"
Bella shrugged, not entirely sure. Logically, she knew he was right but deep down, she hated herself for what she had done. She felt so ashamed of herself that she'd killed him without as much as a second thought. There had been no hesitation and Bella hated that blood had so much control over her and her actions.
She felt like a slave to her own instincts and thirst.
"He was your singer and that alone makes it understandable that you couldn't stop yourself," Emmett explained. "Both times, I killed them and it was the best tasting blood ever but I regretted it. I know if I encountered one today, I probably would still drain them."
"But Emmett, I can't be around any humans!" Bella exclaimed, her eyes throbbing to release tears that weren't there. "You go to school around them everyday and you don't kill them. You can go into town around them and socialize. I can't even be within a hundred feet before I lose control."
"That doesn't mean it's easy. We have to be very careful because sometimes we lose control too. We aren't perfect; even Alice has managed to slip a few times… But nowhere near as much as the rest of us have," Emmett laughed and rubbed Bella's shoulder. "What I'm saying is; we're not perfect and you just need to accept that mistakes are going to happen. It's always going to be hard when you slip up and as horrible as it sounds; that's a good thing."
Bella looked up at Emmett confused.
"Because we deserve it?" she asked, her voice trembling.
"No; because it means you still have enough humanity to care," Emmett whispered. "Without that humanity, this diet would be impossible and that is what will give you the strength to be around them everyday and socialize with them. Because it means that eventually, you will be able to see them for the people they are and not for their blood."
"It's hard Emmett. It's really hard," Bella whispered.
Emmett wrapped his arm around Bella and pulled her into a tight hug.
"We understand that; it isn't easy and it's not even natural but it allows us to keep a grip on our humanity and who we are on the inside," Emmett explained quietly. "Because hiding for the world and living life from one feed to the next is not my idea of living. And that's what makes this whole diet worth the struggle. I know you might not be able to understand that completely right now and I understand; but one day it will make sense."
"How can you be sure, Emmett?" Bella asked, her voice was weak but filled with so much emotion.
"Because the first time I encountered a singer; Rosalie said the exact same thing to me. I didn't understand then but when I did, it became clear that she was right. When we live only acting on instinct and blood; it's not really living. It's only surviving."
"I just feel like I've lost touch with who I am," Bella said in a frustrated voice. I don't know who I am anymore and that scares me. What if I really am a monster? I'm not the same person I was when I moved to Forks. I used to faint around blood and now, it's like it controls me. I think about it all the time. I can't even remember the last thought I had that didn't somehow revolve around blood and how much I want it; how much I long for it."
Emmett just held his sister tight as he listened to her frustrated rant.
"God, I can't even look at the color red without thinking about blood. And even when I'm not thinking about it; it's still there in the back of my mind. When you guys come home from school; I can smell them on you and it drives me crazy sometimes. And that's just from you guys being in the same room as them!"
Emmett frowned, feeling guilty; he'd never considered the effect of lingering human scents would have on Bella. To keep up human appearance, Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had enrolled in part time courses at the local community college. But it made sense to him and he felt like such an idiot for not realizing this sooner.
He remembered when he was a newborn and had the same problem whenever Rosalie and Edward would go to school. They had to begin changing their clothes and washing off any human scents off in a lake before they could go home.
"I remember going through that. Especially when Carlisle would come home from a surgery; that was the hardest. But I promise we are going to do what we can to get you through this," Emmett said softly. "There will be some good days and probably a lot more bad days. Just know we will be there to guide you through; even when it may seem impossible."
Emmett and Bella ran home in silence.
When they reached the house, Emmett called everyone into the living room. Within a few seconds, everyone was there with curious expressions, except for Alice who was smiling sadly. Douglas and Dawn were had gone off with Leah as a precaution.
"Bella brought up an interesting point a little while ago and it came to my attention that we aren't being as careful as we could be with newborns around," Emmett said, putting a hand on Bella's shoulder.
"Rosalie, do you remember when I was first turned, how hard it was for me to be around you when you'd come home from school?" Emmett said, looking at Rosalie; who stared back at Emmett confused.
"Yeah, I remember it was the linger scents that would… Oh! God! How could we have been so stupid!" Rosalie cried as she realized what point Emmett was making.
"Am I missing something?" Jasper asked, vaguely grasping what they were talking about.
"We'll explain on the way to the college but right now, we need to go and pick out a second set of clothes to put in the trunk of your car Jasper," Rosalie exclaimed. "I need to braid my hair!"
"Alice?" Jasper asked, frowning at his wife who was smirking at him. "What is going on?"
"Jasper, let's just say; I hope you enjoy bathing in lake water."
A bonding moment between Emmett and Bella.