A/N: I just wanted to thank you guys SO MUCH for all the feedback! I love all the positive feedback I've been getting, and it makes me feel so so so wonderful knowing that you all enjoy this so much! Please keep the comments coming, good or bad; I love hearing from you!
I focused on the steadiness of my routines, the normalcy of the days, to occupy my mind. I worked most days at the library, filling in my time while Jake was at school. I looked into school, at Charlie's urging, preferring the idea of online college to actually being on a campus. I bought groceries, I paid my bills, I cleaned my house. On the outside, things were fine. I was fine. We were all fine.
And suddenly, without me really noticing, it was suddenly the end of October. I tried to remember where all of the time had gone, where each day had blended into the next to turn into months. The town was preparing for Halloween, and though I had little inclination for the holiday, I could see the excitement in my new neighborhood. Houses were decorated in orange lights and booing ghosts, and my landlord had his front lawn decorated like a cartoon graveyard complete with a grinning mummy and a dancing skeleton. Jake bought me a large wreath for my door, black and orange and green with cobwebs and candy corn laced into the waves of fabric. I hung it on the door to my little cottage, taking pride in my solitary decoration.
Edward didn't care for Halloween. I remembered this from prior years, when I had thought my life would be very different than it had turned out to be. He hated the fake fangs and the crimson capes, little children running around hissing with candy blood dribbling out of their mouths. He took a week off from the library and left Forks, promising that he would be back in November. I found myself slightly out of sync, which was odd. I had discarded the tiny heart in me, his little emotional ball, and I was almost happy to see him as a friend in my new life. I had been falling apart when I first left him, and having him in the right capacity was relieving. And, without him again, I almost missed him.
Jake was bright and alive. I no longer caught him sitting in gloomy silence or staring into the distance at something I never saw. He was present again, with me rather than lost in the future. I knew he was trying to be better for me, and I was grateful. If he still spent time worrying, he never showed it. I instead was always given the best of him, happy and warm, my sun. He hated being stuck in school, but I knew he had to just endure it a little while longer. After all, his graduation would come soon enough, if he even made it that far.
It was Jake that suggested we go trick-or-treating that year. Quil was taking Claire around La Push, and he'd invited us along. I was slightly thrilled at the thought: I hadn't been out on Halloween night since before I could remember, and I loved the idea of spending time goofing off with Jacob again, the same as we used to. He wasn't as excited as I was, though, and it showed.
"I hate Halloween," he grumbled for at least the tenth time as we shuffled around the party store. We'd taken the drive out to Seattle for the day, knowing that the only decent seasonal Halloween store was there. It was huge; walls were lined with hundreds of different costumes all in little bags, decorations were grouped by theme, candy was interspersed and emblazoned with different sale prices, and the entire store smelled of artificial fog-machine smoke and chocolate.
"Don't be such a baby," I chided, picking up another costume bag. It was part of a matching set, a fork to the girl's spoon. I held it out to Jake. "What about this one?" He rolled his eyes and sighed loud enough for the entire store to hear.
"Why do you have to pick out the lame costumes?" he whined. "If I have to waste my night with Quil, I wanted to at least look intimidating."
"Oh, like what?" I glanced around and picked up a terrifying mask from a bin. It had blood and guts spewing from the eye sockets. "This one scary enough for you?" He laughed, taking the mask and holding it up to his face. He growled through the latex at me, and I shook my head, moving down the wall of costumes.
"Why can't we be something at least better than silverware?" he called after me, tossing the mask back into the bin. "I know there's some really skimpy little things for girls these days." He was behind me, wrapping his hands around my stomach. He kissed my neck, and I shivered. I pushed him away, my face reddening.
"Jake, not in public!" He made a face.
"You could be a little sailor." He picked a men's sailor outfit off the wall and held it up. The sleeves were long and the costume was bright white, with a matching little hat. "I could get this and you could match like that."
"I don't even know what mine would look like."
"Well, that's because you're only looking at the stupid couple costumes," he huffed. "We don't have to look really tacky. If you want to match, we can do it in a less obvious way, you know."
"Show me what mine would look like and I'll think about it." He smiled and kissed my cheek, wandering around to the girl's costume wall. I kept looking at the boy's costumes, skimming over the colors and names. My eyes fell onto a dark vampire costume; the man in the picture had a pale painted face and bright fangs, and his cloak was dark red and black and touched the floor. I laughed, understanding what made Edward hate the holiday. And then I saw a werewolf costume, with a hairy mask and hairy gloved hands, and I laughed even harder.
"What's so funny?" Jake asked, walking back in my direction. I picked up the wolf costume and tossed it to him. He caught it and glanced at the front before a huge grin spread across his face.
"I bet Sam would love this one," I teased, smiling at him. He wrapped his hand around mine when he got to me and put the costume back onto the peg. He held out the girl's sailor outfit.
"Before you say no, just think about it," he said cautiously, letting me take the bag. I gaped at the girl on the front. The outfit had no sleeves and the skirt was painfully short. She had a tiny hat, identical to the boy's version, on her head, and she was standing in a seductive pose, saluting. I pushed the costume back at Jake and shook my head fast.
"Absolutely no," I said, my voice too high. "Are you serious? No way." Jake sighed.
"Bells, just give it a chance." He wiggled the bag in front of me, but I refused to look at it. Imagining myself in the revealing outfit was a nightmare all of its own.
"Give it a chance? What kind of chance? A chance to contemplate my own personal torture?" Jake laughed.
"Don't be so melodramatic. You'd look great in it and you know it."
"I most certainly do not know anything." He grinned, and I rolled my eyes, ignoring him.
"Just go try it on," he urged, pushing it towards me again. "If you don't like it when it's on, I promise I'll drop it. I'll even let you pick out what we wear. Just try it." I looked at him for a moment, at the dancing in his eyes, and let out a tiny groan.
"Just give it to me." I snatched it from him and stomped off to the dressing room. It was smaller in my hands than I'd imagined, and I held it away from my body in disgust. I didn't even want to put it on. I wondered if Jake would see through my lie if I just told him I'd tried it and hated it. I knew he would catch the lie, though, so I gingerly slipped the silky costume over my head.
When I turned around to look in the mirror, though, I stared, waiting. I waited for myself to hate it. I waited for the embarrassment to bubble up to my cheeks. But, it didn't. I stared at myself and felt oddly comfortable. The straps, which in the picture were about the width of a strand of hair, were actually wide enough to cover the majority of my shoulders, and the skirt, though still short, was longer than I'd imagined it would be. I fluffed out the collar and smoothed the pleats in the skirt, turning this way and that in front of the mirror. I felt...sexy. It was so strange.
"Let me see!" Jake called from the front of the dressing room area, waiting for me. I took a deep breath and opened the door, catching his eye almost immediately. He stared at me, his eyes going down then back up again. I felt like a doll on display. And then a huge smile stretched across his face. He walked over to me and reached for my waist, but I swatted his hand away. The dressing room attendant, a girl with black hair and a cheesy orange vest, was watching us idly, bored.
"You look absolutely phenomenal," Jake whispered, still grinning. "This is so hot."
"Shut up," I mumbled, crossing my bare arms across my chest. "I still feel like an idiot."
"But you don't look like an idiot," he pointed out. "And I think you kinda like it. I can see it on your face." I wanted to protest, but he was right: I did like it, surprisingly.
"I'd want a jacket," I said, feeling oddly vulnerable with no sleeves. "And it'll probably be cold, so I'd need tights or something." Jake nodded, his smile permanent.
"I have to try mine on!" With that, he darted into the dressing room beside mine. I giggled, only having to wait a moment before he came back out. I laughed so hard that I bent over, the sound filling the tiny room. Jake stood there with a scowl. The costume was too small: the white fabric of the shirt pulled too tightly against his pronounced chest, his arms almost ripping the too-short sleeves, the pants legs riding up like high-water cuffs. He shook his head as he watched me laugh, muttering under his breath. I tried to compose myself, but when I stood up and looked at Jake's annoyed face, I started laughing again.
"We have a wall of costumes for taller men," the attendant called. I turned to face her, and she was eyeing Jake with a look that made my stomach bubble up in jealousy. "They give more room in the chest, too." I glared openly at her, surprised and almost ashamed at my reaction. Jake barely noticed.
"I'll be right back," he said to me, leaning down and kissing me on the top of the head. As he passed the attendant, she watched him with raised eyebrows and a slight smirk. I tried to ignore her and went back into my room, changing back into my comfortable clothes, taking my time. When I opened the door again, Jake was standing out in the middle of the lobby area, admiring himself in the long floor-length mirror. The attendant was standing with him.
"I just think that this is such a perfect look for you," she gushed, reaching out to touch his arm. "The white is really your color."
"Don't I know it?" he replied smugly. He caught my reflection in the mirror and turned around to face me. "What do you think? This one fits much better." I almost couldn't blame the girl for staring; he was gorgeous. His muscles, still prominent, were outlined faintly by the thin white fabric, and his height was magnified by the long pants of the outfit. His russet skin almost glinted against the white like he was literally glowing. He had his arms outstretched to show off the impressive muscles that wrapped around his upper arms. He did a little curtsy for me, and I laughed, his huge frame anything but dainty.
"I think we're gonna look great," I replied, walking over to him and wrapping my hand around his. The attendant stared at our hands, pouting, and turned back to her chair at the doorway. I squeezed Jake's hand and leaned my head against his arm. He kissed the top of my head, and I was warm, always warm.
Halloween night was cool, but the temperature was bearable. I was amazed to see the rain holding off all day, the clouds hanging but not spilling, and the night was dry. Jake and I met at his house, Charlie and Billy settling in for a night of television and pizza, and we left. Dressed in our matching sailor outfits, we headed for Emily's. I tugged at the skirt hem as we walked up to the door, and Jake grabbed my hand to stop me. He kissed the top of my head, and I relaxed.
Quil answered the door, and he looked absolutely ridiculous: he was dressed in a full-on alligator suit, all green and scaly, and had a trumpet in one hand. I clamped my mouth shut to hold in my laughter, but Jake wasn't as sly, his guffaws echoing. Quil didn't look offended at all; he was beaming, wriggling the trumpet in the air.
"Claire's favorite movie is The Princess and the Frog," he explained to me, ignoring Jake. "She's Tiana, and I'm the alligator. She loves him." He held the toy trumpet up to his mouth and made musical noises through his lips. I smiled, no longer laughing. I admired his confidence, and as I took in his smile and the gleam in his eyes, I was happy, his joy moving like a wave. Claire poked her tiny head around Quil then, sticking her face out of the doorway, and beamed. Her little green Tiana costume was adorable.
"Unca Jay!" she screamed, and she pushed Quil aside to cling to Jake's leg. He leaned down and scooped her up easily, her sparkly dress swooshing.
"Look at this tiara," he said, smiling at her. He didn't use the same baby voice as most people did around toddlers, and I liked it. I hated baby talk. "Looks good on you." She screeched with laughter as he plucked the crown from her head and settled it on his own.
"Unca Jay pitty pincess!" she squealed, clapping. He caught my eye and winked. Claire turned to Quil and reached her tiny hands out to him, and he handed her his trumpet. She clunked Jake's arm with it until he plopped the tiny tiara back onto her head. She beamed. He put her down and she scooted past Quil back into the house.
"Hey, give me back my trumpet!" Quil called after her, laughing. I could hear her tiny voice moving around the living room as he chased her. Jake grabbed my hand, squeezing, and pulled me inside.
I had a great time trick-or-treating, and to Jake's surprise, so did he. We wandered around La Push with Quil and Claire, Quil's alligator tail swishing behind us, as we went from house to house. People loved Quil's costume, which helped me as it diverted most of the attention away from my too-exposed skin. Even with a jacket and tights, I felt exposed, but Jake's hand, constantly wrapped around mine, was comforting, and I was able to enjoy myself. Claire made Quil carry her candy, but he didn't mind; his eyes were bright, his mood easy and happy. I felt the tiny stirrings of a jealousy that I didn't recognize until we got back to Emily's and dumped Claire's bag full of candy out onto the rug. She shuffled through the stack with tiny hands, her fingers closing around a lollipop that she handed to Quil, sitting right beside her, to open.
I realized, watching them, that I was jealous of his feelings for her. I hadn't thought about imprinting for a while; Jake looked at me with such love that I rarely thought about the other girl out there, the one who was meant for him above me. It felt uneasy, knowing that someone could easily take him from me. I tried to picture her, this person I didn't know, but I couldn't imagine anyone taking Jake. He was my sun. I had chosen him, and he had chosen me. I remembered back to an old conversation, where he had told me that he wouldn't leave me even if he imprinted. I tried to find comfort, feeling his arm against mine as I leaned into him, hearing Claire's incessant demands as Quil helped to sort out her candy, in his touch, his presence, his assurances.
We stayed at Emily's for a while, and I talked to Emily about the upcoming wedding. She and Sam's plans were in full swing, and she was excited all the time, her face, scarred and mangled, had never been more beautiful as she glowed with the anticipation. Jake sat off to the side with Embry and Jared, who had come over after we finished trick-or-treating. Quil, still sorting Claire's candy, was quieter, watching her get tired and lowering his tone to match her sleepy voice. When I looked at the clock, it was almost eleven, and I was surprised that Claire had stayed awake for so long. She finally fell asleep, curling into her noisy dress, and Quil carried her lightly back into the bedroom, pulling her crown from her hair before he disappeared around the corner. I caught Jake's eye, and he smiled at me, ready to go.
We drove to my house in content silence. I wondered what he was thinking, but I didn't want to pry. He closed his eyes, humming slightly to himself, and leaned his head against the cool glass of the window. I had a flash of him disappearing, a girl with jet-black hair dragging him away from me, and tried to shake it off. He was mine, I tried to assure myself. I pictured the girl from the Halloween store again. I had mentioned her to Jake after when we were at lunch, his mouth stuffed with a burger. He just brushed me off, reminding me that he wouldn't leave me. He said he didn't even notice other girls anymore, like it was just me. I smiled at the memory and drove on through the darkness.
The houses in my neighborhood were quiet but still bright with decorations. I pulled into my driveway and glanced at the bowl full of candy that I had placed out on my doorstep, and it was thankfully empty. I pulled Jake, half-asleep, out of the truck and through my front door, tugging him lightly to my room. He fell onto the bed and wrapped his arms around a pillow, breathing deep. I let him get comfortable and shuffled around a little, throwing away the empty bag of assorted chocolate that I had left lying on my couch in my hurry to get to La Push and washing the few dirty dishes in the sink. Jake moaned from the bedroom, and I poked my head around the doorway, catching his eye. He smiled.
"Come here," he mumbled, curling up on the bed. "I'm exhausted." I held up one finger and darted back into the kitchen, finishing the dishes. I grabbed a clean pair of pajamas from my dresser, reaching out to touch Jake's exposed leg as I passed through to the bathroom to change.
"Do you want to change?" I called to him, tossing the sailor outfit into my hamper. "You know I've got that pair of yours from last week that you left here."
"Too tired," he groaned, and I heard the bed springs creak as he rolled around. I laughed quietly to myself as I changed. When I walked back through the doorway, he was lying shirtless in just his boxers, his bright white outfit abandoned on the floor. I had seen Jake a hundred times before, admired his chest and his arms and his beautiful face for countless days, but it never failed to amaze me. I climbed up beside him and curled into his chest. He sighed.
"Thanks for putting up with Halloween for me," I whispered as he pulled the sheet over us, though I never needed it with his radiating warmth.
"Mmm," he murmured, burrowing his face into my hair. It only took him a minute before he started to snore. I nestled into him, allowing his comforting heat to engulf me and lull me into sleep.
Edward was there at the library the next day, and his smile was pleasant as I sat down beside him. I found myself grinning, again surprised at my reaction to him. I was happy to see him.
"I wasn't expecting you back for a few more days," I said, settling down at my desk. I scooted my chair up to the computer and clicked the power button.
"I decided to cut my vacation short," he said warmly, his eyes buttery. He seemed to be in a good mood, and I was glad.
"How was Maine?" I asked, typing in my password to boot up the computer.
"I didn't go to Maine," he replied, confused. I turned to him, and his head was cocked to the side slightly. "Did I not tell you?"
"Actually, I don't think you said anything about where you were going. I just assumed you'd be going back to see Carlisle and everyone else."
"I should have, though the weather in Maine is far too sunny for me. I prefer it here." He smiled his crooked smile, and I smiled back, almost instinctually.
"Where did you go, then?" I asked, turning back to my computer to start up the library's book system.
"I was in Denali."
"How was Alaska?" He chuckled.
"It was very nice. Tanya and her sisters do not live near others, and so Halloween did not reach their house. It was a pleasant week."
"I'm glad you had a good time." He clicked away at his keyboard, preparing for the day though he always let people go to me instead. I wondered sometimes if he was even being paid or if he had just convinced my boss to let him hang around.
"Did you have an enjoyable holiday?" he asked. I smiled, remembering Quil's alligator costume and Jake's even snoring as we slept curled against each other.
"I had a great time. I went trick-or-treating with Quil and Claire. It was fun."
"Did you wear a costume?" I turned my head to glance at him, and he stared at me teasingly. I rolled my eyes.
"How is Tanya doing?" I asked, changing the subject. Edward chuckled at my obvious attempt at getting the conversation away from me.
"They are well. Tanya was...they were all quite happy to have me visit." I noticed his pause and, though I knew I shouldn't pry, I was curious.
"What about Tanya?" He was quiet for a moment, staring out the glass doors in front of us.
"She is upset," he finally said, his eyes flitting back to me, gauging my reaction. "Do you remember how I told you about her...advances?" I laughed, and he looked at me quizzically.
"Is that all?" I asked, shaking my head. "God, I thought you'd say something bad. She likes you? You're crazy to think she wouldn't try again, now that I'm out of the picture."
"You'll never be out of the picture," he said in a low voice, the sudden ferocity jarring. I wanted to push away from him. "I'll never stop loving you, Bella. You are and always will be the only one that I love." I bit my lip, the discomfort of the silence settling around us. We hadn't talked about our feelings for each other since I left him, but I had guessed about his more than once.
"Maybe you should try to be happy with Tanya," I suggested quietly, my skin prickly.
"It doesn't matter what she says," he growled back, turning away from me too fast. "She can try as much as she wants, but I'll never love her. I'll never want anyone but you." He was suddenly gone, his chair spinning slightly with the wind of his movement. The glass doors were closing so slowly, pulling inward towards me. I sighed and put my head in my hands. I knew it had been a mistake to think of Edward as a friend. I felt guilt spiraling up inside me and tried to focus on my computer as the first family of the day walked through the front doors.