STORY TITLE: Painting the White to Gray
CHAPTER TITLE: Never Let You Go
AUTHOR: B.J. Sanders
RATING: T (Nothing too graphic in this chapter. Sorry.)
WARNING: Pervert!Kakashi (really, what else is new?!), Avenger!Sasuke, Clingy!Naruto (?), Porn-Exterminator!Iruka (It makes you wonder how he ever really got on with Kakashi in the first place...) Uchihacest! (You're probably thinking finally, huh?)
STORY SUMMARY: Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.
CHAPTER SUMMARY: After his brother escapes, Sasuke decides he needs revenge, but after a talk with Naruto about his past, maybe he needs to re-prioritize?
DISCLAIMER: I have a cat and a fish – what more do you want?! Blood-sucking, donut eating Nazi's... (Name adopted to the cops on Need For Speed Hot Pursuit 2 by myself and Kara. It was a late evening at the time, but the name stuck, though I'm pretty sure that's not the original...)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: OhMiGod! I live! (hard to believe, isn't it?) Yes, I suppose I took a LITTLE time to get this chapter out – but I have a good excuse! (Read As: A perfectly good plan executed as a play on procrastination!) I finally had my first StarBucks – I had a Green Tea Frap. It was really weird, but it was better than the Green Tea Latte, even though that was okay. And I just went to Red Lobster – for the first time! I saw Meet the Robinsons, too. I liked the dinosaur best! He rocked!
And I moved! I'm back in Bell, living with Mindy and her girlfriend, and rooming with Kara. At least for a little while. They're about to graduate, and we're supposed to move (again!) and supposedly get a place with Josh, but I still don't know what's going on... (So, post-currently ?, I am in the back room, getting ready to move to California. Maybe to live, maybe just to visit. I don't know yet.)
I've also caught up on my reading! I'm halfway through The Catcher In The Rye (by JD Salinger) and it's pretty good. I just have to finish it. And I just got Prozac Nation and Girl, Interrupted (The book mind you, though the movie rocked too!).
And I think I've gotten over my most recent emotional... crisis? Not sure what the correct word is. I was all agsty and emo – that's what everyone else says. And I stopped eating for a little while – lost like six pounds or so in about a week. It was crazy. And I ended up doing a first – I've never carved with plastic before until the other day, when I was sitting in the Chief Theater waiting for Mindy to finish Drama practice – anyway, I was chewing on a plastic spoon, and a piece broke (a sharp piece, too) and I ended up carving up my knee something good. Not too terribly bad, it just hurts when I touch it. So I've taken to carrying about alcohol pads and band-aids in my wallet, in case something like that happens again. (Post-currently – again – I'm seeing a shrink two, in fact and I just turned over my one and lonely razerblade, and I'm on medication because I'm evidently Bipolar. It's called depakote or something. I don't think that stuff works all that well...) (And the whole emotional... crisis? thing is still evidently on, too. I actually cried today because my aunt said she loved me.)
The thing was, though, that I had no real reason to do it. I just felt like cutting or whatever and started scratching away with a broken spoon. ...And my mom said I didn't need help! Speaking of which, I still haven't seen a doctor – which is bad, cause I'm really starting to doubt my sanity here – seriously! I was going all Turret's on blank air next to me – something about "man-eating fish-things". Don't ask, it was freaking. Everyone was edging away and avoiding me.
Oh! But I saw Nana (the movie! It rocks! Now I'm waiting for the second one.) and I finally got to watch Death Note 2. It was awesomeness! And I FINALLY saw Silence of the Lambs – and what's really sad: I thought it was funny when he got away. That totally rocked. I started laughing (and that wasn't the only part, either!) Mindy was giving me weird looks, and Mama Bear said that I was a cannibal, I just didn't know it. I guess I just have weird fascinations with serial killers and cannibalism – Jeffrey Dahmer was interesting, and I wanted to know more about Robert Bordella (he wasn't a cannibal, that I know of), but I still have to read up on Ed Gein and some others. I have books, I'll read up about it eventually...
Yeah, ranting, ranting.. I know. Story time! Woot! ...It's late.. or early. Whatever, just don't ask.
(So, yeah, I wrote that when I actually started this thing – as in chapter – and it's horrible! It's short – I wouldn't be surprised if this author's note is longer... but at least I tried. And it's NOT THE LAST CHAPTER!!! THERE'S AT LEAST ONE MORE. An Epilogue. YAY! ...Okay, so maybe the depakote does work... just a little.)
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"Hate is often an obverse form of love. You hate someone whom you really wish to love but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. Hate is a disguised form of love. You can only hate someone that you have the capacity to love because if you are really indifferent, you cannot even get up enough energy to hate him. Hatred is the frustration or blockage of normal, free-flowing love."
-Sri Chinmoy
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Wednesday awkwardly found us sitting uncomfortably nervous at the kitchen table at Kakashi's, Iruka noticeably blushing and casting glances at the far wall, Kakashi making strange faces and awful eyebrow movements in our general direction; Sasuke was clearly ignoring it, but I found myself not quite so lucky.
Iruka had found out all too well what Sasuke and I had been up to since he had moved in, even if he hadn't wanted to, Kakashi had recorded it, the dirty bastard – luckily, Iruka thought of it as just another annoyance to be thrown out when his boyfriend wasn't looking; surprisingly, he had done rather well at cleaning out the clutter – read as porn-and-everything-Pervert!Kakashi-related – from the closet and every other room in the small apartment. The place actually looked halfway decent, for a change – not that I'd ever tell Kakashi anything like that – at least not straight to his face; maybe to Iruka, I might.
Sometime before the dream – nightmare – or maybe after, I started realizing that Sasuke was being distant – well, more distant than he already was. He hadn't even done his evil glare when Kakashi had whisked out the tape of their "love noises", or that sexy little smirk of his when Iruka chucked – quite literally – the pieces into the trash and smacked Kakashi in the back of the head. In no specific order – or quantity.
Instead, it seemed, he had been listening to the TV, tuned in on one of the random news channels where a newscaster was pleasantly presenting the latest breaking news.
"...where it seems the heir of Uchiha Industries, Inc., onc Uchiha Itachi, has been missing for the past few days. Currently under suspicion for the murder of his family, he was arrested and taken from his home to the local police station – where he was confined and further questioned.
"He is possibly armed and considered very dangerous, so please be careful. And if you have any information concerning the whereabouts of this fugitive, please call..."
After several numbers were listed across the screen, news turned to weather, but that did nothing to sooth the building tension in the room. I knew, without a doubt, what Sasuke was intending, what he would do whether I wanted him to or not.
Kakashi and Iruka, as if sensing this was a moment they shouldn't witness, moved into the living room to browse through the movies; I turned to Sasuke, shaking my head, pleading with him not to hunt down his brother.
He ignored me, moved over to the couch and waited for me to follow.
All through the movie I wouldn't let go of him. And whenever he moved, my eyes would automatically go to his. Don't runaway from me! I wanted to scream, but I didn't, and we turned our attention back to the television screen.
When we left to go upstairs, I wouldn't let go of him either. He tried to go to the bathroom, but I wouldn't let him go. I had his arm and I had no intention of letting him leave.
Somehow, though, I found myself beneath him, pressed against my own mattress as Sasuke ran his teeth across my throat, over my collarbone, driving me crazy as he pressed into all the right spots.
"Don't... don't leave..."
That's all I could say. Over and over again.
By morning he was gone.
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Before he left – in the afterglow of really-hard-but-totally-fantastic sex – he told me just what exactly had been done to him by his older brother.
In fact, he told me, that one time I had come over, Itachi had just finished banging him into his own mattress – much the same way he had just done to me. Only, with his brother involved, there was a lot more pain and a lot less "whatever the hell we have".
Itachi had been doing it since they were children, which was something his family had never approved of, so he had left. His mother had put Sasuke into therapy, hoping it would help with whatever side-effects he might have been dealing with.
And everything was fine. For awhile.
Itachi came back, and when that happened, it was strangely just Itachi and Sasuke – about a week later, the police visited and said that their family's remains had just been found.
After that, Sasuke said, is when Itachi had started to change – he was turned on by pain – specifically Sasuke's – and he wasn't gentle anymore. He was cold, and heartless, and crazy.
Sasuke could take the pain – he'd had no problem with that, or the fact that his brother was fucking him because he could take the pain – that was just the way Itachi showed his love.
What Sasuke couldn't take was how he was becoming so much like Itachi – cold and heartless and cruel. "Probably crazy, too," he'd said. That's why he'd tried to kill himself – to keep from becoming his brother.
"But if you killed your brother," I pointed out, trying not to yawn too noticeably – it was already three in the morning. "You'd be just like him. And you're not like him Sasuke."
When I woke up, I found the note on the table. I'm not sure if I wanted to laugh or cry – I'm sure I did a bit of both.
You know, Naruto... I don't think I really hate you at all. Well, maybe not quite as much as we say we hate each other. But thanks. Really.
I smiled, folding the little paper into fours and setting it down for later – it was currently breakfast time.
THANK YOU TO ALL MY LOVELY REVIEWERS!!!! If I forgot anyone... I'm really sorry!
SuAnG hU
buttongirl (mmmm...yummy cookie...)
nwfairy (thank you! -oh, and thank you for visiting my dev-art account. I just checked it the other day. My friend and her family are wiccan, so that's cool. I don't really have a religion - or a sexuality. I'm still looking. And thank you for the kisses and hope and love!)
Kouen-Koji (I saw it happening in my head very clearly. It was creepy.)
kusuri (oh, I don't know. I just like art!)
Azamiko (Well, this isn't the happy ending, but it's not the last chapter, so there's still hope!)
xcloudx
Kyo's only 1
Incognito Flamingo (bleh, tests suck)
kisses1991 (yeah, a dream in the bath. Again. It seems everything happens in the bath, ne?)
Xia Momo Capernicus (yeah, emotional responses are always good, I suppose. But I'm dreading re-reading this story cause it's gonna make me cry...)
AppleCoreCandyBox (No one had been harmed - and hopefully no one will be - in the making of this... er, book. All stunts were performed with professional stunt actor people, so no need to fear! ...yeah, I have no idea where I'm going with that one anymore...)
Kitsune-Yume (Thank you. I've been there - still am, and I only seem to be digging myself deeper - but I hope everything works out for you, too. Good luck.)
creepy crab (Yes, Sasuke's a pervert - and he's probably not finished being one...)
crazy-mutt (I do the same thing... Skipping over the parts I find boring, I mean. I've always done it, ever since I read The Wizard of Oz in elementary school. And as for all the angst and emotions and things... those usually come from me and my wavering moods as I type.)
ursan-canine (Irony rocks!)
Wonderland Reject