FINALLY AN UPDATE! Sorry for taking so long, guys. The con was tons of fun but left little time for writing and it didn't help that this week interims were due today and since I'm just the long term sub, I didn't find out till monday.

Anyways, here's the update. Hopefully the fact that I am update sunday (meaning you only have a 3 day wait for the next chapter) will keep you guys cheerful. The chapter is not beta'd so any mistakes are mine. Enjoy.

[also you should totally follow me on tumblr frayed1989 if you don't already- just saying]

Part of Dean wondered if he should have fought harder, if he should have stayed and tried to reason with her instead of nodding numbly along as she softly stated that they should "take a break, figure out what they wanted" before quietly exiting the familiar apartment feeling numb and useless, wondering why he couldn't soothe her fears when given the chance. Afterwards it was easy to list off the numerous reasons as to why they worked, why they were good together, why they didn't need a stupid break. But back in that apartment, the list of reasons as to why they should take a break was heavy and all encompassing. Castiel.

Castiel. It confused Dean, his feelings for the man that somehow seemed to overtake every thing he knew. Just being in the same room as Castiel made Dean want to reach out, claim him, take him for his own even when someone as amazing and beautiful as Anna was on his arm. It was ridiculous and Dean should have had better control of himself, should have been a better boyfriend, a better man, and if he was honest, both Anna and Castiel gave him more than he deserved.

If he were a better man, Dean would end things, cut things cleanly and let Anna go, let her move on to a guy who could focus solely on her and not let his eyes wander to her blue-eyed, mussed haired twin. If he were a better man, he'd stay away from Castiel, vow to never set eyes on him again and finally let go of the small bit of feeling (he wouldn't, couldn't, call it anything else though his mind whispered the name of it often whenever he saw Castiel) that had burrowed into his chest that night over a year ago.

But he wasn't a better man and instead of making the hard choices like he should, like his father, his mother, taught him to, like Sammy depended on him to. Dean didn't make a choice at all. Instead he hunkered down at the Roadhouse and tried to forget. Tried to drown his thoughts in whiskey and the familiar sounds of REO Speedwagon playing on the old jukebox in the corner as Jo chatted happily to a couple further down the bar and Ellen shot him concerned glances as she wiped down the other end of the bar.

He swirled the amber liquid and listened to the soft clink of ice against the glass tumbler before he took another swallow and set the glass down. He ran a hand over his face, palming his pursed lips as he frowned and noted that once again, his thoughts had turned back to Anna, to Castiel. He sighed and shook his head, tapping his fingers on the worn wood as he debated the idea of another drink since his three fingers were nearly gone when Ellen nudged him softly in the side, causing him to jump and curse softly at her sudden appearance.

"Whoa there, boy. It's just me," she said softly, arms raised upwards in mock defense as she slid onto the stool next him. She knocked her knuckles against Dean's glass and raised an eyebrow. "Haven't seen you contemplate a drink like this since your father passed. You wanna tell me what's going on?"

"Not, really, no," Dean said gruffly, the left corner of Dean's lips lifted up in a sham of a smile as he took up his glass once more, giving it another swirl before he finished the drink, setting back down softly. Ellen huffed and reached over the bar, refilling his glass as she watched him, her smooth brow creased in question.

"This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain boy you and I both know and love?" Dean barked out a surprised laugh, his smile genuine as he shook his head once more and turned his gaze towards the woman next to him.

"Nah, Sammy's great. On the road to becoming partner at his firm and he's got a great girl. You'd be proud." Ellen nodded and nudged Dean's shoulder gently, a soft smile curling his lips, deepening the small wrinkles gathered at the corners of her mouth and eyes.

"I'm already proud of you boys. Your daddy would be proud too." Dean shook his head as his gaze once more drifted to the glass in front of him and Ellen's smile fell slightly as she shook her head and sighed with fond frustration. "I know you don't believe it but he would've been. He would've been a fool not to be." Dean shrugged his shoulders and forced his gaze up and away from the tumbler of whiskey though he found he couldn't quite meet Ellen's searching one. His grip on the glass tightened slightly. "You sure you don't want to tell me what's really goin' on?"

"Not really, Ellen. It's-"

"Complicated," Ellen finished, one eyebrow raised as she shook her head and pushed herself away from the bar. "Alright, I get it. I'll leave you to it." She thumped Dean gently on the back before retreating to the backroom. Dean sighed and took another sip of his drink.

Ten more minutes passed in relative silence, the jukebox moving onto Creedence Clearwater Revival as Jo moved out from behind bar and Ash took over while the dinner crowd filtered in. Dean finished his glass and poured himself another from the bottle Ellen had left, ignoring the narrowed eyes Jo shot his way as she made her way towards the kitchen to put in an order.

He didn't hear the footsteps that approached the bar and ignored the scrape of the stool next him against the hardwood floors as he once again focused his sight on the glass before him. He could feel the warmth of the amber liquid settling inside his stomach, the faint fuzz that began at his temples and tingled at his fingertips, and the heat that settled at his side in the seat next to him before a large familiar hand clapped firmly on his shoulder. He sighed and shook his head before looking over at his larger brother. "Sammy, what are you doing here? Don't you have a date?"

"Yeah," Sam said with a soft smile and shrug to match. "She's over there." He turned slightly and pointed out the small blonde who smiled and gave a short wave when Dean turned to look. Lucifer, who was standing next to her, gave a little wave of his fingers as well and Dean frowned, his brows furrowing even more when he turned back towards Sam.

"Dude, what's he doing on your date?" Sam rolled his eyes and turned back towards the bar, raising his hand to get Ash's attention and putting in orders for drinks before answering.

"I'm not exactly on my date, Dean."

"Well that's not my fault," Dean bristled, settling over his drink once more, palms absorbing the sweat and the ice clinking once more as he took another sip. Sam sighed heavily next to him and shook his head.

"No, but I wasn't going to leave you here alone when Jo called to warn me that you apparently are planning on drinking your body weight in whiskey." Dean shook his head and shot Jo a glare when she swept by them with a nod at Sam. They sat quietly for a moment, Sam staring at Dean and Dean staring down at his glass. "So, you want to tell me what happened?"

"You didn't answer my question," Dean said and Sam shook his head, clearly aware of Dean's no so subtle attempt at avoiding his question. Sam sighed once more and Dean could practically feel the puppy dog eyes boring into his profile as he had a stare off with his drink. "She wants to take a break," Dean finally confided, his voice gruff and deep as he finished his drink before looking over at his brother who frowned as if he already knew. "Don't know why, if she doesn't want to be together anymore, why doesn't she just fucking end it? What the hell is a break going to do?"

Sam pursed his lips and drew his brows together, looking at Dean as if the answer was obvious and Dean was purposely being obtuse. Dean shook his head and resisted the urge to fill his glass once more. "Well," Sam started, slow as to give Dean the chance to stop him if needed. "With everything that's happened, don't you think perhaps that's exactly what you two need? Time apart to really think about what you want?"

"And what is it exactly that you think I want?" Dean challenged, daring Sam to give the wrong answer, maybe even the right answer, the answer that Dean refused to acknowledge because there was no way, no way that he could feel so strongly for man he had been with once over a year ago, not when he was with Anna, had been with Anna for months before finding out that she was related to him.

Sam's lips thinned and his nostrils flared slightly as he leveled Dean with a stare that told him Sam wouldn't back down, wouldn't let Dean avoid it any longer. "I think you want Castiel and that you're afraid so you're settling for what you think you should want. I think you like Anna but you lo-"

"Don't," Dean interrupted, his eyes narrowing but Sam continued on, heedless of Dean's objection.

"You love him Dean. I don't know how or why but you do. You found something in him that night that freaked you out because, of course, Dean Winchester doesn't deserve it." Dean grunted and pushed himself back, the stool squealing against the polished wood floor as he stood up in an attempt to get away but Sam was up with him, following him, so close that Dean could still feel him. He bounded out the door, Sam close on his heels. "You always do this, Dean, you always run away from things or try to bury them or ignore them or replace them with something less scary, less real."

Dean rounded on Sam, pushing him up against the brick siding of the Roadhouse, his hands fisted in the lapels of Sam's jacket as he tried to loom over his taller brother, meeting Sam's glare with one of his own. "Stop it," Dean hissed, "just stop. You don't know a damn thing Sam so stop talking."

Sam huffed but stayed quiet and Dean slowly let him go, stepping back and palming his face as he turned around, away from Sam and the truth. Sam grunted and Dean turned around to find his brother's expression turn into one of sadness as if he couldn't understand why Dean did the things he did, why he could just accept and go after the things that scared him, that made him happy. "Sam, please."

Sam shook his head and stepped forward, large hand resting on Dean's shoulder as if to ground him and reassure him all at once. "You're my big brother Dean, I love you, and I'm going to stand by you no matter what but right now you really need to think about what it is exactly you want, not what you think you should want." Dean sighed and shook his head but he didn't shrug off Sam's hand and didn't try to deny it, any of what Sam had said.

They stood silently for a few moments before Dean huffed and knocked his shoulder with Sam's, nodding towards the entrance of the bar. "Come on, let's get you back on that date." Sam gave a soft smile and shook his head, hooking his arm around Dean's neck as they started for the door.

"Nah, think we'll stick around, hang out. You look like you need some company, or at least a designated driver to get your ass home," Sam chuckled and Dean groaned, shaking his head.

"Man, I don't know if I can deal with Lucifer tonight," he groused, eyes narrowing when the man in question came into sight. Sam laughed, his head thrown back in amusement and Dean couldn't help but smile as they made their way towards the table where Lucifer and Jess sat, chatting and sipping on the drinks that Sam had ordered earlier. Dean assumed Ash had brought them over and he soon found himself sliding into the bench next to Jess at Sam's insistence. She grinned and gave his arm a light squeeze before sliding over a glass of water over as Lucifer chuckled behind his tumbler.

Dean was surprised to find that while he didn't exactly trust Lucifer in terms of Sam, he could definitely tolerate him and his wicked sense of humor as well as his obvious avoidance of anything to do with either Anna or Castiel though Dean supposed that was due to whatever Sam had whispered in his ear when they had first sat down. Before Dean knew it, an hour had flown by and he was having a very hard time not cracking up at a story Lucifer was telling when a commotion from the other side of the bar drew his attention.

Ellen had returned from the back and was confronting a customer who was getting a little too friendly with another customer in one of the corner booths. Dean frowned and looked over at Sam who was leaning out of his seat to get a better view. His eyes widened and his lips thinned when the bar went silent and the slightly slurred tones of a cultured british accent filtered through. Dean stilled and he could feel all eyes at the table turn to him as he slowly pushed himself up out of his seat. Sam reached out and grabbed his arm, shaking his head from side to side slowly, willing Dean to leave it alone.

Dean shook his head and pulled away, slowly making his way across the bar and sure enough, there was Balthazar sprawled out in the booth, a young twenty-something sitting halfway on top of him, biting his all-too-swollen lips as he smirked and tried to placate Ellen with wide hands and soft apologies. "This is a family establishment, sirs, so I must insist you separate or vacate the premises," Ellen stated, hands on hips and hard glint in her eyes booking no argument.

Twenty-something argued anyways, lips pulled in a sneer as he turned towards Ellen and said loudly, "you're only asking us to leave because we're two men. If we'd been a straight couple, you wouldn't give a shit." Ellen rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest and Dean wondered at how anyone talked back to her when faced with that look.

"That is not the case at all. The fact is that you two were about five seconds away to fornicating on my table and in case it had escaped your notice, public exposure and sexual acts are illegal by law here in Kansas. So again, either separate and conduct yourselves in a manner that befits this establishment or you get the hell out of my bar." The kid huffed and turned back to Balthazar as the older man sighed heavily and dropped his hands.

He groaned loudly when Dean made his presence known as he came to stand behind Ellen, lips pulled in a frown and hand settling softly on Ellen's shoulder as he asked, "Need any help?" Ellen shook her head but didn't shrug off his touch as she stared down the two men slumped in the booth. Balthazar's lips curled into a sneer that rivaled the kid's next to him and he lurched forward and out of the booth.

"Of course you're here, Winchester," he growled, steadying himself with a palm pressed flat to the table.

Ellen frowned and turned towards Dean, jerking her thumb towards the drunk brit. "You know each other?" Dean opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by Balthazar's loud bark of laughter.

"Know each other? He's fucking my boyfriend behind his girlfriend's back," Balthazar laughed and Dean blanched when Ellen's head whipped quickly back to the man. "Who also happens to be my boyfriend's twin sister," Balthazar finished with a chuckle, finger waggling loosely in the air. He stumbled forward and into Dean's space, nose centimeters away from Dean's, his breath warm and foul with the stench of vodka. "Great man, Winchester. Just tromps into lives and fucks them up."

Dean pulled back and glared at the other man as Ellen pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. "Get him out of here Dean, I don't need this." Dean nodded and reached forward, grabbing Balthazar's bicep to haul him out and throw him in a cab but Balthazar reeled back, falling back into the booth and the younger man who had been trying to leave after Balthazar's loud outburst.

"Keep your bloody hands off me, you neanderthal!" Dean held his hands up and Balthazar cursed and pushed himself wobbly back to his feet. "I can find my own way out, I certainly do not need your help."

"Fine with me," Dean bit out, sweeping his arm out grandly towards the door. Balthazar stumbled forward, a sneer on his lips, before he found his balance and made his way out of the bar.

"Make sure he gets in a cab, the last thing I need is a lawsuit because that idiot fell down outside my place of business." Dean resisted the impulse to tell her to fuck off and nodded, turning to follow the older man out when Ellen stopped him with a hand on his arm. "If any of what he said is true, I hope for your sake that you figure your shit out and fast. That is not how your daddy raised you.

Dean tensed but nodded and followed Balthazar out of the bar, his hands fisted at his sides, his knuckles begging for something to hit.

Castiel groaned and turned into the pillow, hoping that whoever was at the door would cease and desist the banging within the next few minutes. He pulled the duvet closer and curled his legs to his chest. He sighed and reached out, feeling the cool sheets next to him and he wondered if the banging was Balthazar. He sighed and pushed the covers off, pulling himself up to sit on the bed and rub at his eyes. He rubbed at his eyes and pushed himself up off the bed, padding his way out of the bedroom and into the hall.

The banging grew in volume though they came at fewer increments as Castiel made his way to the door. He paused in front of it and took a deep breath before turning the lock, bolts thunking into place. The banging stopped and Castiel sighed softly, turning the doorknob slowly and pulling the door open. He was surprised when he saw a bruised and slightly bloodied Dean Winchester standing in Balthazar's stead, his shoulder pressed up against the doorframe, hair matted to his forehead, shirt wrinkled and dirtied, and green eyes tired.

"Dean."

Dean nodded and reached forward, his thumb skimming across Castiel's cheekbone as Dean stepped forward into the apartment and Castiel's space, his breath fanning soft across Castiel's lips. Castiel closed his eyes and stepped back, pulling Dean with him as he shut the door.