Chapter 14 – Guilt

"I'm boring you, aren't I?" Edward asked with a smirk. Before I could answer, he put the guitar down, and grabbed the deck of cards. "Want to kick my ass again?"

I smiled at him. I absolutely loved that he hated cards so much but was willing to play just to entertain me. It was so incredibly sweet, but I wasn't in the mood for cards at the moment.

"I wasn't bored with your guitar playing. I was really enjoying it actually. You'd never know you haven't played in twenty years."

"Eh, it's like riding a bike," he said with a wink. "Come here, I'll show you."

"Show me?" I asked confused.

"I'll teach you. You wanted to learn to play, right?"

"Yeah, but…"

I was absolutely speechless. It was one thing to play for himself again after so long, but to offer to teach me, when he had carried so much guilt for so long for not taking the time to teach his sister, was really meaningful. I could see the change in him. The anger directed inward at himself was beginning to dissipate. It was definitely a big step in the right direction. He was finally making peace with the instrument, and himself.

"No, like this," he said, moving my fingers into the proper place.

"Like this?" I asked.

"Yeah, and this finger will move…here," he guided me.

He also offered to teach me to read sheet music. It was frustrating at first, but after several days of determined perseverance, I had Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" irrevocably burned into the forefront of my brain. I only wished I liked Johnny Cash.

"If only there was Backstreet Boys sheet music here," Edward teased me.

"Hey, my love for BSB is a secret I trusted you with. No using it to pick on me," I complained.

"But… I want it that way," he sang teasingly.

I giggled at him. "So, you're a fan too, huh?"

"No way in hell! I would never be caught dead listening to that stupid band. I don't even know how they can call themselves a band anyway. Two of the old dudes who call themselves 'boys' sound like they have frogs in their throats."

"Aww, come on. You must be a closeted fan if you know the words to their song."

He grimaced. "Excuse me, but my loyalty has always belonged to *Nsync."

That did it. Now I was rolling over with laughter.

"We can't help who we love, Bella," he added, maintaining his faux serious tone.

When my hysterics finally calmed, we decided to take a break from lessons for a bit, and brave the elements to try our hand at fishing once more.

"Hopefully it's been long enough now, and that bear has moved out of the area," I commented as I looked around the terrain cautiously.

"Jake looks pretty calm. I'm sure he will let us know if it comes back," Edward replied unconcerned.

Thankfully, it wasn't long before he was reeling in a huge fish. We had another delicious meal, and decided to bring in a bunch of snow every night, to store our leftovers inside.

Since Edward and I connected on a more intimate level, time seemed to move surprisingly faster. A few weeks went by like it was nothing, and we experienced one of the first almost warm days outside.

"Wow, it feels so good out here," I said as we sat on the porch and just soaked up the vitamin D. We only had one chair, so of course I was sitting on his lap. The sky was like a painting with all the brilliant colors of the sunset, and it was pure serenity.

"The snow should be starting to melt now," Edward mumbled. His comment made us both quiet as we contemplated what that meant. I wasn't sure which was more daunting – the thought of trekking out of there in the hope of finding civilization, or the very idea of being in civilization again. We had almost grown comfortable in our isolated home, and a part of me didn't want to ever leave.

"Are you worried about what it will be like back in Seattle?" I asked Edward.

"It'll definitely be strange," he replied.

"Yeah… I can't even imagine it. Everyone must think we're dead by now."

"Maybe we should just… stay dead. Find our way down this mountain, and then go straight to Tahiti or something."

I laughed. "Don't you want to see your parents?"

"I guess so… I do feel bad that they think both their kids are dead."

My heart sank. "Oh Edward, I didn't even think about that. They must be besides themselves."

"Yeah, but by now they're probably starting to heal. I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. They really are great people… but… I guess… it's just a lot of pressure. They have these thoughts and ideas of how everything should be."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, my failed marriage for one thing."

"Oh."

"I don't know. A part of me thinks I held on to that sinking ship for so long because I didn't want to upset my mom. How pathetic is that? I probably wouldn't have even married her in the first place if my parents weren't always pushing for it."

"So, you think they're going to be upset when they find out?"

"I just have always had this need to try to please them. Like, they lost Bree, so it was all up to me to make them proud to be parents, or something. I probably need a fucking therapist."

"I understand how you feel. My mom died when I was little, and my dad a few years ago. It's silly, but since they're both gone now, I feel like there's even more pressure on me to make them proud. Like, they're in heaven, so they're always watching. My mom wanted to see the world, but she never left Forks. Born there, and died there. I guess that's why I wanted to be a photographer. It's an excuse to do what she never got a chance to do - travel."

"I think that's really cool actually. I was supposed to go back overseas next year… I really love it over there… except for the dog meat," he said with a wink. "Seeing the world is a beautiful thing."

I nodded. "I would love to go overseas," I said wistfully.

"Really?" he asked surprised. "You've never been?"

"Nope. I've pretty much kept to this continent so far. I've been all over the U.S., and Mexico. Parts of Canada. I would really like to go to Asia… Oh, and Africa. I could only imagine what kind of shots I could get out there."

"So why didn't you go sooner? I mean, instead of going to Alaska for your National Geographic shoot, you could have gone on an African safari or something?" he asked curiously.

I shrugged. "I guess Alaska was just closer to home… and cheaper, of course. I've actually traveled a lot this year for my photography, but nothing I shot before had been good enough for Nat Geo. So, with all my savings already gone, I had to use what little we had set aside for….after the wedding," I said the last part slowly.

"You used your honeymoon money to go on a solo trip to Alaska?" Edward asked incredulously.

I smiled absently, and shrugged. "Not all of it, but yeah. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity to take pictures for that magazine… I couldn't pass it up."

"It's nice that…he was so understanding about that," Edward said awkwardly.

We had discussed his relationship status a few times, but we had yet to discuss mine. In fact, in thinking about Garrett at that moment, I couldn't help but feel a wave of guilt due to just how little I had actually thought of him. He had always been my biggest support system. My rock. He was the one who encouraged me to quit my desk job to pursue photography full time. Sitting here, happy in another man's arms, I suddenly felt like a horrible person, and I felt the most horrible over the fact that I had fallen so quickly for Edward. Sure, it felt like we crashed a lifetime ago, but in reality, it hadn't been very long at all.

I spent the rest of the day in a funk. I just couldn't get past feeling like a horrible person. I had always hated cheaters. It was nothing I would have ever done under normal circumstances. But as Edward crawled into bed next to me that night, I knew my body was going to beg for his.

Everything about Edward was perfect. He was a little skinny from malnourishment, but even still, he was so beautiful.

Despite my guilt fueled funk, we made love that night with just as much passion as our first time. By the next morning I was back to fully submitting to my dedication to Edward. Like the other brief moments I thought about my fiancé back home, I quickly put him out of my mind and just enjoyed my time with the incredible man before me.

Unfortunately, it wasn't long before I was undesirably thinking of Garrett yet again…

"You took your ring off," I commented when I noticed Edward's bare left hand as he was stoking the fire one morning.

"Well, in all honesty, it just slipped off a minute ago when I was outside coming back from the outhouse. I don't know if it's the cold, or if my fingers have thinned out a bit since coming here. Either way, it was long overdue. My marriage is over. No sense in keeping that ring on."

I reflexively twirled my engagement ring. I had done it unconsciously, but Edward definitely noticed.

"You don't have to take yours off," he said quietly. "I understand."

What did he understand exactly? I had no idea. I didn't even understand it myself. I thought we should discuss it more, but the truth was I simply didn't want to. I was much happier not discussing it, or even thinking about it in any way. I was sincerely happy there with Edward, and even though I hated having my relationship with Garrett so open-ended, I still preferred to enjoy the time I was having, and not worry about anything out of my reach. Perhaps I was just a coward after all.

I made the decision to let go of my guilt, however that was easier said than done. For the life of me, I just couldn't kick that feeling. It wasn't even about Garrett. Not really, anyway. It was everything. It was the warmer days, and the idea of the snow melting. It was the formidable prospect of hiking back to a world I no longer felt connected to. There were just so many uncertainties.

"Hey, come outside for a minute," Edward said while peeking his head into the cabin. He had gone out to cut wood for the fire, but as I followed him out, I realized he had definitely gotten sidetracked.

"What the…" Looking at his little project, I was absolutely speechless. "Why?"

Edward playfully scoffed. "What? You don't know what this is?"

I smiled despite myself. "An angry snowman mother trying to round up her ten rambunctious children?" I guessed.

"No! This is the final battle in Game of Thrones. Since we're stuck here and missing season eight, I decided to make an ending myself. This is the giant… See the ice dragon?" he said while pointing to a particular mound of snow.

I pressed my lips, and reluctantly shook my head. "I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about."

He huffed. "Don't tell me you don't watch Game of Thrones?"

"Sorry, no. Alice tried to get me to watch it a few times, but it was like a gory porno. I just didn't get it."

"You have no idea what you're missing! Listen, you have to promise you'll watch it someday. From the beginning. Season one, episode one. That's the only way to watch it."

I smirked and shook my head. "You just said there's eight seasons."

"You could binge it in only a few weeks," he tried convincing me.

"I don't think I've ever watched that much TV in my life," I argued.

"You don't watch TV? What do you do in your free time?"

"Read. Cook. Go to the beach. Spend time with friends. I don't know. I was always busy. Garrett and I live together, but there were times we hardly saw each other. We were both so busy all the time."

The strange look on Edward's face made me immediately clam up. I had mentioned Garrett yet again, and I could tell it bothered him. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, unsure of what else to say.

"Sorry? For what?"

I shrugged. "I don't know… I just am."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he tried assuring me, but I wasn't convinced. I just kept feeling guilty. Guilty for thinking of Garrett, and guilty for not thinking of him. It just started feeling like it was a lose-lose situation.

That evening Edward continued with his guitar lesson, and I tried like hell to be fully engrossed. It took a while to get into it, but just as I was finally able to concentrate, we heard a strange noise coming from right outside the cabin door.

"What's that?" I asked.

Jake's head popped up from a sound sleep, and he immediately started growling.

"Something is out there," Edward said as he slid off the bed to investigate. He got within a couple feet from the window, when he suddenly jumped back, and a giant bear face appeared outside the dirty glass. "Holy crap!" Edward said, startled.

Jake began barking incessantly, which made the bear groan, before moving out of view.

"Did it leave?" I asked with my heart racing.

"I'm not sure," Edward replied quietly. He went back to the window, and looked around.

At first he clearly didn't see it, but then – "Oh SHIT!" he shouted, making me jump.

"What?" I cried, but he didn't have time to answer, and he didn't have to. He grabbed the end of the sofa bed, and pushed it in front of the door, just as there was a loud bang and a huge dent appeared. The bear was trying to claw its way in.

"Oh my god!" I cried in a panic.

The bear continued to bang and claw at the door, just as Edward continued to pile anything he could move in front of it.

After a moment, my petrified fear wore off, and I too jumped into action, just trying to do anything I could to help.

When the bear was finally convinced he wasn't getting in through the door, he moved back to the window.

"He's going to break the glass!" I screamed in horror.

Edward then picked up the table, and thrust it as hard as he could towards the ground. Once it was broken into pieces, he ran to the closet and got the hammer and nails. There was no way to cover the windows completely, but it seemed to do the trick, and the bear finally lost interest.

"Fuck, that was close," Edward said after several minutes of quiet tension.

"Do you think it's really gone?"

"I sure hope so… but my uncle did tell me the Alaskan bears can be a bit of a problem. Once they know there's food somewhere, they pretty much hang out."

"That's not good," I said worriedly. "We can't just stay inside all the time. We need to go out to fish, and let Jake run off some steam. Hell, we have to be able to go out to blow off some steam ourselves. Not to mention use the outhouse."

"I know. We just need to think of something."

"Speaking of outhouse," I whined.

"You're going to have to go back to peeing in a bowl for now." Snickering, he teased, "Aww, it's like old times."

"I'm not peeing in a bowl," I pouted.

"Then you need to hold it."

Stupid fucking bear.

….

With the bear stalking the area, we kept ourselves cooped up inside for the next few days. The walls felt like they were closing in on us the longer we were inside. That cabin was just too small to be locked in for that long, but we had no other choice. But when our "toilet" bowl really started to stink, we just couldn't take it anymore.

"I have to dump this," Edward said one particularly stinky afternoon.

"But, the bear…"

"Hopefully it's gone by now. I'd hate to be stuck in here any longer than necessary. We won't know unless we look."

"I just wish we had a gun or something."

"Hey, where's the flare gun?" he asked. "There's one more flare left, right?"

"You said we should save it in case there's a plane."

"We have seen a total of zero planes since we crashed, so I think it's smarter to use the gun for protection at this point. It probably wouldn't kill a bear, but at the very least, a flare could scare it away."

I nodded in agreement.

We dug out the flare gun, and just as I was about to follow Edward outside, he turned to stop me.

"Stay in here with Jake. I'll be right back," he said while taking the gun out of my hands.

"What? No way! I'm going with you," I insisted.

"It's too dangerous. Just let me go out alone first, and then…"

"Safety in numbers," I interrupted him. "Together, remember? Besides, how are you going to hold that gun ready, and carry the poop pot outside?"

"Good point," he conceded. "Okay, you hold the gun. But remember, we only have one shot. Don't pull the trigger unless absolutely necessary, and make sure you hit your target."

"You don't have to lecture me, Edward. I'm far more knowledgeable of guns than you are."

He nodded. "True. I apologize. Let's go."

He handed me back the gun, and then after clearing the doorway, he twisted his face in disgust while picking up the nasty pot full of nasties.

"I sure hope that bear is long gone so we never have to do this again," he grumbled.

"Amen to that," I agreed.

He set the pot back down by the door, and then slowly turned the handle. He peeked out first, and waited a few moments, before turning to grab the pot.

"I don't see it. Be ready just in case."

I nodded once, and out we went.

"Wait! Don't let…. Jake out," Edward said as the pup ran past him.

"Why not? I'm sure he needs to go poop too. The poor dog hasn't gone at all since we've been stuck inside."

"Yes, but if that bear is anywhere in the area, Jake is going to search him out and get himself killed."

"Oh, I didn't think of that," I said guiltily. Like a mama concerned for her baby, I scanned the direction Jake had run off to, and thankfully he was just frolicking in the snow and relieving himself.

Edward and I both exhaled a sigh of relief.

"Well, the bear isn't here right now, or he'd be going nuts," Edward concluded.

I relaxed my gun arm a bit, however I still kept a firm grasp on the trigger, just in case.

…

For the next few days, life slowly returned to some form of normalcy. We remained on red alert, and kept the flare gun with us whenever we were outside, but the bear seemed to have moved on. The one good thing about our close call with the animal was that it kept my mind busy, and I wasn't as consumed with the guilt I was feeling previously. It was still there, of course - always lingering in the background, but I tried like hell to ignore it as best as possible. I only hoped I did a good enough job to convince Edward… but somehow, I doubted it.

Every time Garrett did slip into my mind, even momentarily, I'd reflexively look up at Edward, and he'd always be staring right back at me, as if he could read my mind and was hurt by my thoughts. I hated that feeling. I hated the idea of upsetting Edward in any way, but especially about something like that. Something that didn't even matter while we were isolated up on that mountain. Garrett may as well have been on a different planet, because that's how far away he felt from where we were. Everyone, and everything, felt like a distant memory. All that mattered was Edward, and Jake, and me. I truly, sincerely, believed that.

But like the changing of seasons, my entire world was about to shift once again…

"It's actually warm out here right now," Edward commented as twilight filled the sky with colors above us. It was the best time for fishing, so we were out at the water, and had just dropped the line in. "I mean, it's warm-warm… not just cold-warm."

"It's not exactly Hawaii, but yeah, I know what you mean," I said while taking off my groves and scarf. It was still too cold to go without jackets, but the season was definitely changing.

Our time in the cabin was almost over. However, I certainly didn't realize just how little time we had left.

A chill ran up my spine, and then…

"No, Jake!" I shouted as I looked up just in time to see him run off into the trees.

"It was the rabbit," Edward told me. "I saw it."

"Crap. Well, I'm sure he will be back soon."

But he didn't come back soon, and night was quickly closing in.

"I'm going to go look for him," I said while standing.

"Bella, he's a dog. He can handle himself. It's almost dark. You certainly don't need to be wandering into the woods alone at night."

"Come with me then," I suggested.

"I need to get these fish cleaned, and inside on ice, before it attracts predators. Come on, Jake will be fine."

I understood what he was saying, but I couldn't shake that horrible feeling I was having. Something was wrong. Something was about to happen. I could just feel it.

"I'm just going to go look at the edge of the tree line."

Edward huffed. "Fine. Take the gun with you, and come right back. Bella, please don't actually go into the forest."

"I promise."

It was slightly terrifying walking alone towards the trees. My instincts were on high alert, and my intuition was going crazy with some kind of warning… I only wished I was able to properly decipher it.

I was concerned that Jake was in danger, little did I know he was the only one who wasn't…

A deep rumble noise made me jump, however it didn't come from the trees in front of me, it came from behind.

I automatically turned, and there, in the distance, was the bear. It appeared to be swiping its massive paw at something in front of the cabin. It wasn't until whatever it was fell to the ground, that I realized it had actually just attacked Edward.

My heart stopped….

...

***A/N: I'm running from all your rotten tomatoes on this one. Hold on to your hats, it's about to get real (eeek!)

As always, thank you so much for reading!