Random: HEEEEYYY! I suck I know.
Hikaru: *eats chips*
Kaoru: He's mad at Random
Random: What I do?
Hikaru: whAT DID YOU DO? YOU TOOK FOREVER TO WRITE THIS WHICH STRESSED YOU OUT AND KAORU RAN OFF FOR KOYAY AND TAMAKI WAS BUSY WITH HIS GRANDMOTHER SO I WAS LEFT HIGH AND DRY FOR MONTHS!
Random: So you're pissy because you haven't got any?
Hikaru: YOU'VE IGNORED ME FOR MONTHS!
Random: Awww are you feeling neglected? Hika-roo I'm sorry.
Hikaru: *Scoff*
Kaoru: You're such an attention whore.
Hikaru: And proud of it.
Random: So anyway I'm sorry this took so long. This is the last chapter and I'm sad to see this story go. I'm pretty sure my writing style has changed over the course of this story. I think I've tied everything up. I hope you enjoy it, I worked hard on trying to make it seem realistic. I love you all!
Kaoru: Warnings: So first this wasn't beta-ed because she just wants everyone to have this because she feels terrible about not getting this out faster. SO grammer and spelling mistakes. Their is sex, agrueing, maybe trigger warnings. Not in that order! :D
Hikaru: Disclaimer: No own. But story idea do own.
Random: That was to the point.
Hikaru: I'm still mad at you.
Random: Hiakruuuu I'm do now so I can now pay attention to you.
Hikaru: Maybe...
Kaoru: AWWW THIS IS SO SWEET! THEIR FALLING IN LOVE!
Random & Hikaru: ARE NOT!
Kaoru: And their back.
Random: So anyway. If your still with me I love you if you are just reading I love you. Thank you for all the reviews, follows, and favs! If you wish to get a hold of me I have a tumblr: randomquality twitter: random_quality or random1dquality and instagram: random_quality. So now here is the last chapter to Self-loathing! I hope you enjoy!
Kendall opened the apartment door slowly, peeking his head in to see if anyone was around. He opened the door wider when he saw no one was in the kitchen, living, and dining rooms. He took the little kitten out of his pocket, and smiled down at it. He headed to the kitchen and set the kitten on the counter, getting a bowl, filling it with water, and letting the kitten drink from it. He looked up when he heard a snore. James was lying on the sofa asleep.
Kendall gulped, taking the kitten and putting it on the ground, so it wouldn't jump off the counter and kill itself. He searched in the cabinets for something it could eat. Surprisingly, finding some kitten friendly cat food. "Why do we-? Right, Katie." Kendall chuckled with a head shake, remembering a prank she pulled on Carlos a while back. He got another bowl and filled it with the food. He placed it by the water and let the kitten eat.
He walked over to James slowly, watching as his chest rose and fell slowly. He sat on the table across from the sofa. Resting his elbows on his knees and resting his cheek in one hand, he just watched James sleep. Sometimes he wondered why he put himself through the pain of loving James, and moments like this reminding him why. Looking at James helped him remember all the good times when he was happy.
The sleep overs they had back in Minnesota, where he and Carlos made Logan and James laugh so hard they cried. Their first dance in middle school when they all went together and caused havoc for the chaperones. The times where it was just James and Kendall, gazing at stars in James' massive backyard, playing hockey in the street, making root beer floats in the kitchen, stealing liquor from James' mother.
Looking at James reminded him why he was still alive.
"He was worried sick, you know." A voice whispered from behind the couch.
Kendall jumped and looked up. Carlos was looking at him, his hip leaning against the back of the couch. Kendall smiled weakly, hands rubbing his thighs. "Yeah?"
Carlos nodded, "There is a lot you should probably know." He sighed, hand rubbing at his neck. "Can we talk in my room? He just fell asleep about an hour ago. He needs the rest."
Kendall hesitated, but nodded. He got up and bent down to swipe some hair from James' forehead. He bit his lip and straightened, walking with Carlos to his room. Carlos held the door open and let Kendall in, then closed the door.
"Where's Logan?"
"Still out looking for you, or was. Did you tell him you were coming back?" Kendall shook his head, "Then yeah, still out looking for you."
"Oh, I-I should-" Carlos cut him off.
"N-No! Um, not now. He'll just come barging back and wake James and I won't get to talk to you first." Kendall nodded and put his phone back into his pocket where he'd taken it out. Carlos started pacing. "Okay, okay. So we should have told you this, heck we shouldn't have even done it, but I was bored and James was desperate, and-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa...whoa!" Kendall couldn't help the laugh that escaped, "What are you talking about, man?"
"Er...James and...I aren't together."
Kendall immediately went in panic mode. "Oh my god, it's was because of the kiss wasn't it?" Kendall felt like he was going to throw up. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he was the reason. "No, Carlos. It was a dare, Carlos. It meant nothing." Kendall gulped the tastes those words brought to his mouth away.
Carlos looked at him steadily. It was so different from the normal Carlos demeanor, that it scared Kendall a little. "Did it really mean nothing, Kendall?" He asked, and Kendall breathed in sharply. "Because it looked like it meant the world to you. I was there. You looked the happiest you had been in months, and then it crumbled and you isn't the reaction to something that meant nothing, Kendall."
Kendall could feel his cheeks flush and his eyes grow wet, and he had to look away. "I'm sorry." He choked, fight leaving him completely.
Carlos was suddenly on him, smiling widely, taking Kendall's face in his hands. "No, Kendall, no. That's wonderful"
Kendall gapped at Carlos in complete bewilderment. "W-What-I. What?"
"Kendall, Kendall!" Carlos said happily. "James and I were never together. We weren't-"
Kendall pushed Carlos away, heart picking up in speed. "What are talking about, Carlos?"
Carlos grew nervous. "James and I-uh-came up with this idea, right?"
"Carlos." He hissed. "What are you talking about?"
"W-We weren't actually dating. We came up with this idea to help each other. James...and I…" Carlos took a deep breath and Kendall felt sick. "James was terrified of coming out, me too. We didn't know how it would affect you and Logan and Mama Knight and Kaite, so we decided to do it together."
"Why as a couple, though? Why did you come out as a couple, Carlos" Kendall felt desperate for a different answer, for it not to be what he thinks it is.
"I thought it would benefit us, because…"
Kendall was tired of Carlos beating around the bush, "Fucking spit it out, damn it!" He yelled.
"I thought it would make you and Jett jealous!" Carlos blurted. "Kendall, James is so in love with you and he didn't know how to handle it. So I can up with the coming out as a couple plan to get you to notice him."
Before Kendall really knew what he was doing, he had punched Carlos square in the jaw. "The whole time, the whole fucking time, you two weren't really together?" He screamed. "The whole time I sat next to you two and watched you go at it like rabbits, it was just to get me jealous. Do you have any idea how much pain I was going through while you and James acted?"
Carlos stared at Kendall, holding his hurt jaw, "I-"
"I was in love with James for two-years before you two came out. And I kept quiet with my feelings because I thought he was straight, I could get over a straight man! But he came out with you, saying you'd been in a secret relationship. Do you have any idea how that felt? I was shattered, because James in the end didn't want me, he wanted you. I didn't even get a chance to fight for him, Carlos. You don't understand, Carlos. I lost myself. I whored around and I drank. The fact that you guys were just pretending, is like the icing on the fucking disaster of a cake. Because even though it wasn't real between you two, you still hadn't noticed."
"Kenny?" Came a small voice from Carlos' bedroom door. It was then Kendall realized he had screamed the whole time. "Oh my God, oh my God, Kendall. I'm so sorry, fuck, I let that happen, I did that to you. Kenny, Kendall, oh my god."
Kendall watched as James caved in on himself, and he realized that what he'd screamed at Carlos didn't really apply to James. Suddenly everything else Carlos said registered, and James loved him. Kendall stepped up to James and forced James to look at him, James' eyes red-rimmed and wet. "But you ended up noticing James." He whispered.
James choked on his sobs, shaking his head. "No, no, you had t-to t-ell u-s" He managed.
Kendall shook his head. "You noticed, James. You did. You found out what my mother was doing and kicked her out. You helped me, and in the end, I'm so much healthier, happier." Kendall pressed their heads together, taking a huge breath and pulling back. Kendall shrugged off his coat, then looked at James. The brunet was looking at him curiously, tears still sliding down his face.
Kendall gave him a watery smile and proceeded to take off the bracelets that hid the scars and bandages. James watched with growing confusion, until his eyes slid down to Kendall's wrists. Kendall knew he could see the old and fading scars on his wrists, and he could also see the new angry red ones he put their yesterday. Had it really only been yesterday?
He was startled out of his thoughts, when James let out a strangled cry of anguish and fell to his knees. Kendall gasped in shock at James reaction, watching as James began to crumble, mumbling nonsense to himself. "I did that. I caused this. Im so sorry. I love you so much, but I've caused you so much pain. I'm sorry, oh god, oh god, oh god." James gasped through sobs, grabbing at his hair and rocking. "I can't breathe, oh god. I did that. I caused that." He wailed brokenly.
Kendall was completely in shock. He knew it would get a reaction, but he hadn't thought it would be to this extent. He hadn't wanted to hurt James by showing him. He'd wanted to show him how much better he was. Kendall slowly crouched down next to James, moving to try and stop James from pulling on his precious hair. "Jamie, Jamie, you don't understand." Kendall cooed softly. Kendall pushed his hand between the brunets cheek and his hand, wiping away so of the tears. "Baby, this wasn't your fault. It wasn't because of you. If anything, it's my parents and mine, never yours. I shouldn't have kept all the pain I was feeling bottled up. I should have talked to someone, you, Carlos, Logan, anyone, and this could all have been avoided."
James, sobs had quieted as he listened to Kendall, but tears still fell from his red eyes. "But Jamie, that's not why I was showing you my scars. I-I did cut yesterday, before the get together thing, but it was from stress, not pain. That doesn't make what I did any better," He said quickly, not wanting to sound like he was excusing it, "I should have talked to someone about it, but it's such an improvement James. I didn't cut because of pain, because I'm not in pain, I can handle it better now. I'm still working on it, but I'm so much better now James. And that is because of you."
Kendall rested his forehead against James'. "All because of you. Logan realized he shouldn't ignore his friends in favor of his girlfriend, Carlos learned to be more confident and perspective when you two started um…"
"Our fake relationship?" James chuckled, whipping at his eyes.
Kendall smiled softly. "I'm not mad at you for that James. Yeah, there was a lot of bad that happened, but it led to good too. Your relationship with Carlos didn't push me to the edge James, yeah it would maybe have helped prolong it if you hadn't been with Carlos, but ultimately it was my own messed up thinking." The blonde pushed hair from James' eyes, and smiled gently.
"I'm so much better than I had been, James, mentally and physically. You have to understand that it is because of you, and Carlos, and Logan, Jett, Eric, Katie, all of you. All of you help me push my way out of the dark pit I had fallen in, but all of that was because you noticed I was in it, then did something about it."
James sobbed, but it wasn't that heart-broken sob of earlier, it was from relief. "I love you, Kendall. So much. I love you, so much."
Kendall let a sob of his own escape, then surged forward to connect their lips together. He'd wanted this for so long, and yeah this wasn't exactly how he thought this would go, but James loved him, had loved him. James had been in love with Kendall just about as long as Kendall had been in love with James. That fact alone was amazing.
What James and Carlos ended up doing about it was stupid and not thought out very well, but Kendall couldn't blame them. He had done the some stupid shit to avoid talking about it. That's what it came down to really, no one wanted to talk about what they felt.
"I'm sorry, James. I love you and I'm sorry." James shook his head, kissing all over his face.
"I'm sorry too. I love you so much. We still have shit to get over and talk about, but," James pulled back, wiping Kendall's tears from his cheeks, "will you be my boyfriend?"
Kendall choked out a laugh. "What? No date first? You're moving kinda fast Diamond."
James smiled. "I've wasted so much time already. I just want to be yours and you to be mine. So, will you?"
Kendall choked on a suppressed sob of relief. "Yes, fuck, yes, yes, yes." Kendall breathed, between heated kisses.
"You're acting like he asked you to marry him, Kendall, jesus." Carlos said, breaking the moment with an amused huff.
Kendall turned slowly, getting up and pushing him out the door. "Get out." Kendall smiled sweetly, before slamming the door in his face. He heard James chuckle behind him and smiled, turning around to walk toward him.
"That was kind of rude." James chuckled, getting up from the floor.
Kendall shrugged, "He deserves a little rudeness." The blond grabbed the older boys hand and lead him to James' bed. "You and Carlos were stupid. You caused us all more pain than good, but I'm giving you a break considering you just had a panic attack on the floor and you just asked me to be your boyfriend." He smiled.
James sighed and sat down next to Kendall. "But you shouldn't. I deserve every bit of rudeness you throw. Carlos didn't go about the plan alone."
"Who asked to end it?"
James blinked. "It-what?"
"Who asked to end it first." Kendall asked, tilting his head a little and raising a brow.
"Um, me- but that-"
"No," Kendall stopped him, "James that says more than you think." He stopped and looked at James, scudding his face. "What you and Carlos did was messed up, let me finish! Before you go into self-pity mode." He chuckled. James laughed, but nodded for him to continue. "But it's understandable."
James eyes snapped to Kendall's in confusion. "...what?"
Kendall shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. "Like, okay. It was terrible, but I get it. We didn't grow up in the most accepting city, James. Hell, the state for that matter. I was terrified to come out there, and I knew I was gay since middle school. Then when we came here, everyone was more open and I felt okay to do it. It still scared the shit out of me, though. You and Carlos found out together and came out together. I would have loved to have that kind of support when I was thinking of coming out. I was afraid you guys would think I had been, like, peeping on you in the locker rooms, or something. Coming out with someone I said was my boyfriend would ease that suspension, you know? So, like, in the long run? I get why you did it, it just shouldn't have gone on for so long. And...I forgive you."
James kissed him. Pulling him closer by his neck and kissing him deeply. "I don't know why, I can't even forgive myself, but thank you. I love you."
"I've been mad at you guys for so long, hidden and lost. I'm tired of it. You helped me pull myself out of a place I shouldn't have allowed myself to go. I wasn't ready or fit to be in a relationship like I wanted with you, now I am." He laughed, voice thick with tears. "Now I am and so are you. And everything happens for a fucking reason." He laughed, smiling at James. "I love you." He shrugged, brushing a hand over his eyes.
James rested their foreheads together, taking shaky breaths to calm himself down. "I love you, too. I will be making up for what I did for the rest of my life and I will never stop loving you." James breathed, pulling Kendall to him in a kiss.
They kissed each other desperately, both wanting nothing more to feel the other. Kendall has waited so long to feel completely happy, to have James like this. In his arms and wanting him. He pulled back, looking up at James and smiling shyly, brushing some hair out of James' face. He pushed James back on the bed and straddled his waist. Sliding his hands down James' neck and chest to the hem of his shirt, and pushed it up.
"Wait." James said. Kendall shook his head, but James stopped him. "Are you sure? Becuase-"
"Shh, no." Kendall said, sitting up and taking his shirt off. "I'm sure. We need this, James. I need this. I've waited literally, my whole life for this. My whole life." He said, poking James' now shirtless torso. James rolled his eyes. "I am going to ride you, because-" And Kendall smiled, because this was the most ridiculous thing, but it made sense to him, "because I finally feel in control of my life, so I'm going to control our first sexual encounter, by riding you into the sunset." He said, dropping his voice and batting his eyes.
James barked out a laugh, then another, until he was completely doubled over with laughter. Kendall laughed too. "That was the most cheesiest thing. Did you get that for a bad porno, or something?"
Kendall bit his lip. "Maybe." He giggled.
James rolled his eyes again, but nodded. He reached up and pulled Kendall forward by his jeans. "Now shut up and take off your pants." Kendall laughed as he was pulled forward. He framed James face with his hands and pulled into a kiss, smiling into it.
The kisses quickly turn heated and before Kendall knows it they're both naked and Kendall has one of his own fingers teasing at his hole. He takes a deep breath and slowly inserts his finger, working it in until he can move it fairly easily. "James." Kendall moans.
James has a hand wrapped around Kendall's cock, stroking slowly to help with the pain. "You're beautiful." He whispers, kissing along Kendall's neck.
Kendall feels like crying. It's been so long since someone was sweet to him during sex. He adds another finger and crooks it, trying to find his prostate. "I can't wait for you to be inside me, Jamie. Fuck, I need you to fuck me."
James gasped, his own neglected dick throbbing against his stomach. Kendall fucked into James' hand, he could feel the head brush against James' and it was making him mad with want. The last finger was added and Kendall sat up, placing his free hand on James' muscled chest to steady himself. "C-Condom." Kendall panted, finger scissoring and pushing deeper.
James nodded and reached for the condoms he knew was in the dresser, getting one out and putting it on. Kendall pulled his fingers out with a sigh and grabbed the lube again, pouring some into his hand and taking James' cock. He stroked it slowly, making sure to cover it in lube and bring James to full length. "I'm going to ride you so good, James. I've wanted this for so long."
James moaned, "Same, Kendall. Come on, please. No more waiting."
Kendall smirked, positioning himself over James, "Patients my friend." He said, then slowly sunk down on James' cock. "Fuck, you're big."
James smirked. "Thank you."
Kendall glared at him. "Don't be cocKY OH YES!" He yelled, voice breaking as James thrust up into him. "Bastard."
"That's Cocky Bastard, to you." James chuckled.
Kendall pushed at James' shoulder, forcing him to lay completely down. He rolled his hips in little circles, creating just the tiniest amount of friction. "I'll show you cocky." He hummed, nibbling at James' ear. He felt so powerful, above James. He was able to make James moan and gasp, he controlled when James could come. It was overwhelming. Having James inside him, below him, around him, was insane. He wanted for so long, and he finally felt like himself again.
Kendall picked himself up and, feeling the side of James' dick as he moved, then thrusting back down hard, gasping at the feeling. He thrust down harder and faster with each thrust, not caring to go slow. This is what he wanted, how he wanted to do it, he was in control.
"Kendall-fuck-you're so hot. Bouncing so perfectly, yes!" James babbled, taking in the body above him. The blond was covered in sweat, glowing in the faint light of the bedroom. His strong thighs flexed as he worked them. His cock flushed, red and dripping with pre-cum that made his mouth water. His blond mop of hair was falling into his eyes with every bounce. Kendall's head flew back and a deep moan escaped his throat, and James could tell he'd hit his prostate.
James planted his feet on the mattress, making the angle so much better and Kendall panted out his approval. "Just like that, yes. I'm so close James. Fill me so good, fuck yes!" Kendall moaned. Moving one hand behind him, Kendall used James' knee to brace himself as he continued to fuck down on James' dick, then wrapped the other around his own and jerking. "Come for me, James. I want to feel your warmth inside me." He gasped.
James moaned, watching as Kendall pleasured himself on his dick. The sound of skin slapping skin, and the wet sound of Kendall's hand on his dick, stroking to the time of his trusts, then the gasps and moans, it was becoming too much. The fact that it was Kendall riding his dick, surrounding him, squeezing at him, just put him over the edge.
He let out a loud moan and came into the condom. James watched in a daze as Kendall's, movements became faster, and his mouth fell open with a scream, releasing over his hand and James' stomach.
They both gasped for breath as the came down, smiling happily at each other. Kendall got up and let James' dick slide from his sore hole with a hiss, and James took care of the condom. "I...I haven't had a fuck like that his ages." Kendall panted, flopping on his back and letting James clean the rest up.
"I would hope so, considering." James chuckled, lying back down next to Kendall and pulling him to his chest.
"No, like. I haven't done something like that. I don't...I didn't take control. And you, you gave that back to me."
James kissed the side of Kendall's head. "You did it for yourself, Kenny. I was just provided the dick." He smirked.
Kendall laughed trying to smack James, but he caught it. He jerked Kendall forward and kissed him, before rolling on top of him and proceeded to tickle him. Kendall squealed with laughter and squirmed away. He quickly got up and wrapped the blankets around himself, "I will not be treated like this!" He huffed, face breaking into a smile when James tried to reach for him, but fell off the bed.
"Oh you're cute butt is getting it." James growled playfully, grabbing boxers and putting them on, giving the blond just enough time to run out of the room. But not before Kendall wiggled his 'cute butt' at the door way.
Kendall ran to the living room to see Carlos playing with the kitten he'd found. "When did we get a cat?"
Kendall was about to answer, but James picked him up, before he could. Spinning in a circle before setting Kendall down to kiss his lips.
"Bleh sickening."
"I'm still mad at you Carlos, the least you can do is put up with this." Carlos' smiled dropped and he felt James pull away slightly. "Wait, ugh. I'm sorry too soon."
"No, you're right. I kept you away from your happiness. I deserve it." Carlos said, looking down at the kitten. James placed a kiss to his neck and he turned to look at the eyes he's in love with.
"I do forgive you both, but I can't...trust you completely, yet. And it hurts me to say that, because I get why you did it and that's why I forgive you, but you broke my trust." Kendall whispered, threading his hands with James' over his hips. "I love you, so much James. And I love you Carlos, but it's going to take some work to get me to trust you like I did again." He admitted. He hated it, but what they did still hurt him and he had trusted them. He meant everything he said before, he forgives James and he loves James, but the trust that all of them had is gone. But they'll get it back. They were finally on the same page. Everyone was talking the way they should have in the first place. He just knew they all could fix it.
He saw Carlos wipe at his eyes, "Yeah, I can do that." He whispered.
James kissed his neck again until he reached his lips, "I love you and I will do anything for you." He promised.
Carlos stood up and cleared his throat. "But seriously, what with the cat." He said holding it out. It tilted it head at Kendall and meowed.
That's when Logan, finally walked through the door. He paused half way in to take in the site before him. James in nothing, but boxers, Kendall with just a sheet wrapped around him, and Carlos holding out a kitten. He slowly closed the door behind him. "I am choosing not to scar myself for life, so I don't want to know."
Kendall laughed loudly, leaning back into James and soaking in his warmth. "Wait…" He turned sharply to Carlos, nearly dropping his makeshift toga. "What did you mean James and Jett!?"
James coughed, Carlos paled then went red, trying to hide behind the kitten, and Logan said, "Right, I'm going to bed."
Maybe they were all finally on the same page, but they still had some kinks to work out.
Epilogue
"Honeyyyyy, I'm homeeee!" Jett sang, slamming the apartment door open.
"No, leave, I don't like you." Kendall said automatically, while putting down a bowl of Mac & Cheese for dinner.
"Well, I wasn't talking to you anyway, Kendork, so meh." Jett snarked, sticking his tongue out.
Eric walked in after Jett, pushing the younger boy out of his way, rolling his eyes. "Move, dipshit."
"Rude." Jett sputtered. Eric just smirked at him.
"See what you started Kendall." James said, walking up behind the shorter boy. "Carlos went to get soda, Jett. He'll be back later."
"Okay, so-"
"Where's my baby?" Eric interrupted.
"RUDE!" Jett repeated. Eric stuck up his middle finger.
"Right here." Logan said coming into the room.
"Baby!" Eric squealed rather uncharacteristically and ran to scoop the cat out of Logan's arms. "Did you miss daddy? I missed you…" He cooed, babbling on in unrecognizable baby talk.
"I swear, that cat is the love of his life." Jett mumbled.
"I feel this should be an insult to me, considering I was an ex-love." Kendall commented, stuffing plates in Jetts hand and instructed him to set the table.
"Nah, you make up for it by being the love of my life." James smiled, taking Kendall's hand. He twirled the blond around and dipped him, before kissing him. Kendall felt like he was going to burst with all the joy and love coursing through him.
"Bleh, sickening." Carlos gagged, walking through the still open door. "Why was the door open?"
"Care-bear!" Jett cheered, rushing over to take the bags away from him. He then dumped the unceremoniously on the counter. "You must save me from all the people don't appreciate my presence."
"Who says I appreciate it?"
"Care-bear!" Jett gasped, "You are my boyfriend! This is what boyfriends are here for!"
"Hmm? I thought having a boyfriend was to help me let off most of my energy on said boyfriends-" Carlos was cut off by Jetts hand slapping over his mouth.
"THAT'S enough of that!" Jett rushed, turning beet red.
Carlos pride Jett's hand off him and smiled, reaching up on his tip-toes to kiss Jett's nose. "Love you."
Kendall watched Jett's whole face softened into something completely fond and totally in love. "Yeah, same."
"OKAY! That is enough of this. I am not subjecting myself to this torture when my girlfriend is an ocean away for a movie shoot. That is quiet enough of the couples bickering, thank you very much." Logan interrupted loudly. "Kendall, you sister called and said her and your mother are having a wonderful time at the resort and the therapy is really helping."
Kendall smiled, nodding in thanks. About two months after he and James became official, his mom showed up at the door. She said that she'd seen a doctor and had got help and James kicking her out was what she needed. Their relationship is still rocky and Kendall struggled with trusting her, but it's better than it has been for a while. Her and Katie went to a mother daughter retreat to work on their own relationship and get more therapy for their mother.
Everything has been going really good, actually. He hasn't cut in six months. Everytime he feels the need, he goes to James or one of the other boys to talk it through. He's also gained all the weight he lost when he wasn't eating, they named the kitten Audi and Eric fell in love with her.
Eric and Jett come over to the apartment almost every day, and at first James was a little territorial of Kendall whenever Eric got too comfortable for James comfort. Kendall thought it was the funnest and teased James about it mercilessly. Half because it embarrassed James and half because he got some amazing jealousy sex out of it.
And that was pretty much all that's changed. They all agreed to talk to each other, when they need help with an issue or was feeling left or whatever. It was like an unofficial pack that they wouldn't let things get that bad ever again. Once they started, they realized they were all idiots. To think they could deal with what they went through without each other, was completely stupid and could have been avoided. That didn't make the issues they had any less painful or serious, but it would have been easier to cope with help.
"What you thinking?" James whispered into his ear, jolting him out of his thoughts.
He smiled, moving to nuzzle James' neck. "How far we've come."
"It's amazing isn't it." James breathed, brushing his hand through Kendall's hair.
"If you told me seven months ago that I would be happy, clean, and with you, I would have probably punched you in the face and drank myself into sleeping with the closest warm body."
James' grip tightened around his waist. James still blamed himself for things that happened with Kendall. It would take longer to fix something than others, but all Kendall could do was remind him that it wasn't. "I love you." He whispered into James' ear. "My scars are healing and fading. We aren't lie and deceiving. We are okay, James. Stronger than ever and we keep growing in that strength." The others boy's grip slowly untightened, tipping his head down to catch Kendall's lips in a slow, tender kiss.
"I'm starrrrving!" Carlos whined.
"Babe you had a corndog like an hour ago." Jett huffed, "In the middle of sex to." He grumbled after as an after thought.
"Don't act like you didn't like it."
"Welp, you can give my portion to Carlos, because I just lost my appetite after learning that very unneeded and unwanted knowledge of my best friend sexual kinks." Logan snipped.
"Says the one that likes to watch their girlfriend have sex with someone else." Eric smirked. Logan gapped, slowly turning red.
"I said to never speak of that." He hissed.
Everyone lost it, as Eric winked at Logan and the other boy could do nothing but stutter. James beamed at Kendall happily, kissing his forehead before grabbing the fries and taking them to the table. Kendall stood back with the chicken nuggets and looked at group around his table. His four best friends, who fought for him when he thought no one would want to waste their time with him, the enemy who was there when no one else was, and the one-night stand that turned into a life long friend. This was his new family. Everyone has changed so much, but at the same time not at all. They salvage what they thought was broken and came out stronger.
He feels happy.
He feels loved.
He feels whole.
But most of all, he no longer in drowning in self-loathing.
"Kendall, come on! I want my nuggets." Carlos yelled.
"Jett control your boyfriend. His screams are giving me a headache."
"Hangovers are not caused by my lovely care-bears yelling." Jett snarked.
"What did I tell you about drinking and not properly hydrating." Logan sighed.
"I wasn't drinking! I didn't even leave your bed yesterday!" Eric pouted, stroking Audi's head.
"I lied, Logan's the love of his life."
Logan's head made contact with the table. "Kill me now."
"Oh no! Death could not stop us from getting what we want. We'd just ask Camille." James laughed.
Logan glared at Eric. "This is your fault." He just beamed at him cheerily.
Kendall shook his head and placed the nuggets on the table. "This is such great dinner talk, guys. So normal."
"You wouldn't have it any other way though." James said confidently, as Kendall sat next to him, taking his hand and kissing it.
"Yeah." He said softly, looking around one more time. "Wouldn't change it for the world."