* All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.
* Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, possible smut later on.
I continued walking for what felt like hours and I watched as the sky gradually began to darken, I had no idea where I had been heading and no idea where I was now. I wasn't concerned and concentrated only on moving my feet, heading to nowhere in particular.
Night had fallen all around me and the only light came from the occasional car that would pass me by. I had been wandering absently and didn't know where I was, I had tripped and fallen multiple times and my hands and knees were covered in small scratches and scrapes.
"You worthless slut." My head whipped around at the rough voice and I glared angrily and the shadows when I realized that there was nobody there.
"I know I'm a worthless slut." I screamed in response to the voices in my head and walked angrily off the side of the road and into the dark forest.
"He's taken what he wants from you and now look at you... you're pathetic... wandering the street at night and he doesn't even care enough to come find you." the voice continued to taunt me and I stormed further into the forest, determined to find the person that belonged to the words.
"I know that! I know I'm nothing! I was stupid and I shouldn't have believed that he could ever love someone as broken and used as me!" I was still screaming into the darkness as I tripped and fell, my head hitting a large rock. I could feel a small trickle of blood as I reached up to put pressure on the bump, the voices still speaking, still taunting me.
"You can't ever escape us Isabella." the voice echoed around my head and I stood up, spinning around and trying to find it.
"You don't own me! You're dead! You're both dead!" I screamed into the night air, my throat was raw and sore now, my heart was aching and my body was tired.
"And so is your daughter. She's here with us Isabella so don't worry... we'll take care of her." the voice was mocking now and I felt my chest constrict.
"No! She's not yours... you don't have her... no... you can't hurt her!" I chanted as I stumbled towards the edge of the cliffs that had appeared in front of me.
"I'm coming for her... you can't have her!" I screamed again and braced myself to jump, my daughter the only thing that I could focus on.
"Bella No!" I was pulled back and hit something hard just as I pushed my feet up to jump and as I struggled against it I felt the panic settle in.
"Get off me! Let me go now!" I commanded and began thrashing my arms and legs against my concrete restraints.
"Bella stop fighting me." her voice pleaded with me and as recognition set in my fighting turned to grasping as the sobs wracked my body.
"Carlisle, over here!" Esme's voice called out as she held me against her body and she stroked my head lovingly.
"Where was she?" Carlisle's voice asked and I felt him take my wrist in his hand as I clutched Esme tighter, refusing when Carlisle tried to turn me towards him.
"She was about to jump off the cliff over there... she was yelling at Jacob and Charlie... it didn't make much sense." Esme exclaimed and I felt her stand up, still holding me against her chest like a small child, the air beginning to move past us.
"Let's get her to the house and warmed up and then we'll try and get her to talk to us, to tell us what happened." Carlisle's voice said from somewhere beside us and I kept my eyes closed tightly, not moving not wanting to release Esme even once we were in the warmth of the house.
"What happened? Is she alright?" Edward's voice rang out as Esme tried unsuccessfully to lay me down and as I heard his voice I cringed back into her, not wanting to let him get near to me.
"Edward you need to leave the room." Esme spoke firmly and I finally allowed her to pry my fingers off her shirt and lay me down on the bed, moving to sit next to me once I was covered with a thick blanket.
"Bella can you open your eyes sweetheart?" Esme asked gently and I shook my head at her request.
"Can you try? You're safe here with us... it's just Carlisle and I in the room with you." she asked softly and I swallowed loudly as I fought against myself. There was no reason for this behavior, there was no reason for me to be acting this way.
"That's it Bella, look at me." Esme coaxed as I blinked my eyes and allowed them to adjust, settling them on Esme's face.
"Can you tell us what happened out there? What happened after Carlisle left you at the road earlier?" she asked and I swallowed again.
"I was just walking... and thinking... and then it just started getting dark and I didn't care. I stopped thinking about things... I even stopped thinking about where I was going and I got lost. Then I started hearing them... they were saying things... telling me that they had Anna with them. I just wanted her to be safe." My throat was aching as I tried to explain what had happened, my own mind missing pieces of the day.
"Did you ever see them? Charlie and Jacob?" Carlisle's voice sounded and I turned my head slightly to see him standing beside the bed.
"No... it's stupid really... I know they're both dead... I don't know what I was thinking... why I was hearing..." I shook my head and realized for the first time that I was shaking all over, my body still wet beneath the covers.
"Why am I wet?" I asked them, my teeth chattering as Esme and Carlisle spoke quietly.
"It was pouring rain dear, and you wandered quite far away." I wondered how I could have missed the fact that it was raining and that I was soaked.
"Bella I want to talk to you about what happened today but I want you to warm up and get a good night's sleep first, we'll speak first thing in the morning." Carlisle smiled at me and stood up to leave, Esme shifting and helping me up.
"Let's get you warm and dry." she said and although she smiled at me it was a worried smile.
I did as Esme told me to, having a warm shower and putting on the warmest pajamas that I had before climbing into my freshly made bed and curling in on myself. I didn't speak anymore, just simply followed her instructions and I could see her becoming upset and frustrated at my behavior.
"I'm going to make you something to eat, I'll be back in a few minutes." she said once I was laying down in my bed.
"I'm not hungry." I answered and I heard her sigh.
"You need to eat something Bella." she said a little firmer and I shook my head, refusing to give in. Esme left the room and I closed my eyes tightly, wishing for time to turn itself back so that I could return to the way I felt before I watched Charlie die.
"Bella? Can I come in?" Alice's voice was light and cheery, but I wasn't in the mood to see anybody. I kept my eyes pressed shut and went through the day's events in my mind, trying to understand what had happened, what had made me loose it like that. Alice came into the room and I could sense her somewhere beside me, but I was too focused on trying to remember the missing bits that I didn't care.
Charlie was shot yesterday. Charlie was shot yesterday in front of my eyes after attempting to shoot Esme and I. Edward didn't want me. I gave him everything and he treated me like garbage. Charlie's dead. Jacob's dead. Anna's dead. Renee and Phil are dead. The Cullens are dead.
My thoughts were only making me more upset and confused and I could feel my body beginning to shake again as the sobs threatened to consume me. There was a bubble of pain in my chest and as I finally let my thoughts flow freely the bubble started to grow, a searing pain that caused me to let out a blood-curdling scream of agony. I could sense more of the family come into the room with me but I couldn't stop the screams of pain, I couldn't hear anything that they said to me.
Finally I felt a stone hand take hold of my arm, preventing it from thrashing around and there was a small prick that I could barely register. Seconds later my cries died down to whimpers and then to nothing as the darkness closed in around me and I welcomed the quiet peacefulness of sleep.
When I opened my eyes the next morning and shifted my body to stretch I was surprised to find Alice sitting in the chair beside the bed, a magazine in her hand, her face strangely calm. I heard a crash of thunder and there was a bright streak of lightning outside my window. The stormy weather outside seemed to match my mood and as I sat up in bed I felt the remnants of the previous night's pain in my chest.
Alice didn't say anything but she eyed me warily as I stood up and made my way over to the bathroom, the uncomfortable fullness of my bladder making the trip a necessity. When I came out of the washroom Alice was still there, still watching me silently and I was beginning to feel awkward.
"Are you feeling better today?" Alice asked me quietly as I made my way into the closet and began to get dressed.
"I'm fine." I answered simply and continued to get dressed, my mind still mainly focused elsewhere.
"Carlisle wants you to go down to his study when you're dressed." she informed me as I made my way out of the closet and grabbed my hairbrush, quickly yanking through the tangles and pulling my hair into a ponytail.
I didn't answer her as I made my way out of my room and downstairs towards Carlisle's study. I didn't bother stopping at the door and instead just let myself in, sitting down in a chair across from him.
"Good morning Bella." Carlisle said and I nodded at him. Something was off his morning... first with Alice and now with Carlisle.
"How are you feeling this morning?" he asked as he sat back in his chair, his hands folded in his lap.
"I'm feeling better. I finally dealt with a lot of different things last night... it was painful but it feels much better this morning. I'm sorry for the way that I acted." I answered him, hoping that he would leave it at that.
"Why don't you tell me a little bit about what happened last night Bella, start at how you felt before you left my office." he said and I cringed back in my chair.
"I was upset about what Edward said to me. It felt like he had never really meant anything that he had said to me before, the way that he treated me... it just felt like Charlie and Jake all over again. I really did go outside just to be alone and sort out my thoughts, but I don't know what happened. I started thinking about things... about everything that had happened since my mom and Phil died. The more that I tried to think about things the more I started to hear their voices. They were taunting me and mocking me and I knew that they couldn't be real because they're both dead, but I couldn't help listening anyways. I wasn't thinking really and felt lost when you and Esme found me." I tried to explain and realized how poor the explanation felt.
"And last night... do you remember screaming?" he asked cautiously and I nodded my head.
"Yes. It was like everything that has happened to me since I came to Forks was concentrated in a painful bubble in my chest that just expanded so that I couldn't do anything but scream. It hurt badly but I didn't know what else to do." I knew that I sounded crazy.
"I think Bella..." he began and then paused to hand me a tissue as tears started to flow down my cheek.
"I think that you've bottled up so many emotions Bella that yesterday everything came to the surface. I had a feeling that it would all come up eventually which is why I wanted to talk to you yesterday. Now that this has come up though Bella, I want you to start dealing with things in a healthier way." he was still speaking cautiously and I wondered what he wasn't telling me.
"I want you to begin a sort of therapy Bella, just to work through your emotions and thoughts about everything that has happened. There are several options for you to do that. You are of course more than welcome to speak to me anytime, Jasper is also a good option to speak to, or we can find you a professional outside of the family if you are more comfortable with that option." he said and I shook my head at the last suggestion.
"I'm fine speaking to you or Jasper..." I answered and he seemed to relax a little more.
Carlisle and I decided that we would meet regularly in his office at the hospital so that I could talk privately about things that I hadn't dealt with yet or that I just needed to talk about. When we were finished I stood up to leave, wanting to apologize to the rest of the family but I remembered that I still had a couple of questions for him.
"I know that you left me alone to give me space yesterday, but I wondered why nobody came looking for me earlier?" I asked quickly, biting my bottom lip nervously as I waited for his answer.
"After I left you I was called in to the hospital, I didn't go back to the house first I just went straight to town. Everyone had heard me go after you so they assumed that you were with me. When Esme got home last night she found that you weren't home and when she called me, that's when we knew that you were missing. It had been raining most of the day though and you had apparently been wandering in circles. Your scent was everywhere and the rain had spread it out further. It took us quite a while to find you." he told me and I nodded my head.
"Is Edward home?" I asked next, wanting to find him and talk to him about what happened yesterday.
"No, Edward has decided to leave for a little while." Carlisle answered and I knew now why I had sensed that something was wrong earlier.
"He's gone?" I clarified, not wanting to believe that I had caused him to leave.
"Yes, I'm sure he'll be back but he needed some time away to think about things." Carlisle explained to me and I felt the dull ache in my chest flare up at this knowledge.
My hand came up to rub my chest absently where the pain was concentrated and I felt myself beginning to get dizzy. Sitting down in the chair again I laid my head down on the desk and closed my eyes, my hand still rubbing my chest.
"Are you alright Bella?" Carlisle was kneeling down beside me now and I tried to stay calm, to keep my breathing even.
"I'm fine... it just... it hurts." I said simply as the tears dripped down my cheek again.
"He's gone? Edward's gone?" I croaked out softly, not wanting to believe him but knowing the truth anyways.
*A/N: I want to apologize in advance, my updates over the next two weeks will be irregular and there will be non next week as I am away. Once I return however updates will be back to either every day or every other day.